I am Scared

Disclaimer: I tend to float all over the map, so bear with Me on that, and have patience, please. When I write sometimes, it's more free thought writing, not organized, and things tumble out. Regardless, it's all raw and from My soul, heart, mind, body, and spirit, as they all speak when I write. (Sometimes all at once, and it's distracting........hee hee)

I'm scared:

To be bound, like the helpless slut i know i can be and You want me to be.

To be gagged, so my attempted cries for mercy falls on deaf ears, and She pushes me further into my submission than i'd ever thought humanly, gloriously, wonderfully possible.

To be fucked used endlessly by Her, because that's how She wants it until She's grown tired.

To be spanked, paddled, flogged......... because She desires it, as Her release, as much as i do, as my own.

To be teased, left there, frustrated, because this pleases Her.

To have my hair yanked back hard........to refocus my distracted thoughts, because She is to have my utmost attention always.

To hear Her commanding voice.......sending chills to my core, even when She mutters.

To anticipate Her every need, because being in tune with Her desires makes perfect sense to me.

To be reborn to Her liking......because Her cleansing and renewal is what I crave, desire, need, thrive on to fulfill Her desires to Her satisfaction.

To be stripped and torn down to my basic core....to have Her build me up better, stronger than I and She ever thought possible.

To submit .................because without Her Dominance over Me, I'm nothing.

To compliment..............because i don't complete Her, but rather enhance Her natural beautiful work, as She's perfectly complete as She is.

To be Hers, without reservation, without hesitation, undeniably, unequivocally, heart, mind, body and soul.

To be pushed by Her...........because She wants my thresholds pushed further than ever before imagined.

To be called slut, whore, bitch, cunt............because She can help make me all of those things and so very much more.

Safe, Sane, Consensual is what this is all about, this lifestyle is all about, or at least should be, in my eyes.

All these things, are for Her, as my needs are secondary, though not mutually exclusive of Hers.

These are all the things I seek in a Dominant lesbian woman........yet, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of Her power, I'm afraid of Her strength, and I don't mean physical, I'm afraid to inexplicably trust Her so completely because She may find out who the real Me truly is: a scared, hurt, damaged, distrusting, little girl inside. A little girl who is defiant by nature and nurture, who's worn her battle scars well, and has made it through. A little girl who is damaged beyond what she lets O/others see, who snaps at every imagined offense to her sensibilities, no matter how innocently made or jokingly lighthearted. A little girl who's so distrusting of all men, because of the actions on ONE solitary one. A little girl, who's bark can be as big as her bite, most days, would rather run, when fear overwhelms and overtakes her very soul because her fight or flight response has been tilted to flight nearly every time. A little girl who's jaded, who thinks every Dom's got an angle, a hidden agenda, a motive to satisfy Their needs, leaving hers unattended. A little girl, who knows that she's acted unfairly to all Males as a result, unfairly so, but dead scared to ever dare try to be with a male Dominant, for fear of that simple appendage between His legs, and knowing the damage it has done to her life.

My fears are real, they are not imagined. They have graced Me to survive some of the harshest conditions I've ever had to face, graciously allowing Me to come through My darkest hours and find some semblance of light. I'm scarred, both inside and out, but, more importantly, on the inside of My brain. It don't work like it used to, it never will again. It will never work the way it was intended to, the way God originated it to work. I work hard to keep that simple semblance of sanity that I've got left, tightly locked in a "safe place", along with My fears, in a chest, side by side the two of them. My body is no better. I've FM, Osteo Arthritis, a back that's crappy, on good days, and nightmarish in lock down, on bad, pains and aches that nearly all the major narcotics barely scratch the surface of, an Atrial Heart Valve with a hole in it. My body has been bruised, battered, beat up, beat down, and literally put in a coma. The fact that I stand at all is a testament to My strength to survive, because that's exactly what I am: a survivor, not a victim. Not anymore, Not ever again. I've come through many different trials and tribulations in My now, 46 years. My 46th birthday is August 12, 2013, and I thank My God each and every day for making it this far. Most days, I'm fairly doing well, genuinely, still, there are others, where I'm barely making it along.

This doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make me indecisive, unsure, confused, lost, a joke, a "nightmare", a gossip mill main topic. It makes me, me.

I crave a TPE dynamic that suits not just me, but my Dominant as well. The chemistry must be there. Stimulate my mind, make me quiver at the very thought of Your voice, make my knees buckle just being in Your presence, know that my heart will thump so hard out of my chest in anticipation of Your arrival home, whether from work, the store, or a mere simple walk with the dogs.

Though My fear chest is much larger than My sanity chest (and FYI: No, i'm not nutty as a fruitcake, nor am i psychotic looney material), i feel someday, somehow, i may be able to find my One, who sees both chests filled massively unevenly, and will eventually, help me make the larger chest will swap places with the smaller one.

My walls are high. They've taken 46 years to build, and will not be torn down in one day, nor one week, nor one month, and certainly not easily. These walls about me have protected me from the "big bad wolves" that have come and gone from my life, both male and female. I will fight You almost every step of the way, know that up front. My submission is earned, as is Your Dominance over me. You will push, and i will push back. Not outright nor passive aggressive disobedience, but pushing boundaries both You to me, and i to You. I will respect You and what You're trying to teach me, but, it will not be a walk in the park. As tough, yet firm as i am as a Dominant woman, i'm more so as a submissive one.

Perfect? No, nobody is, despite what T/their delusional belief about T/themselves. Bratty? yes, somewhat. Cheeky? Yep Humorous? Always Obedient? mostly, as being bratty, tends to do that. Hard worker? Absolutely. Eager to learn? You betcha. Willing to change? For sure.

Your doormat? ABSOLUTELY NOT

Well, this concludes my ramblings. i'm still here. i'm still standing. i'm still willing to give this a go.

Patience is key for this to work with U/us. If You're impatient as a rule, i pass. While strictness is a welcome and wonderful trait, coupled with impatience can lead to disaster.