I Couldn't Help Myself Ch. 01

The farewell party was fun and long. Matt, of course had a few drinks, maybe one or two too many, but not enough to do any serious harm. Nevertheless, I wasn't about to let him drive home on his last day of work. Since the party was up in his neck of the woods, a good 30 minutes from the office and almost full hour from my house, I figured I might just crash on his couch for the night and he could drive me back to my car in the morning. He was agreeable to this. After loading up the car with his going away gifts, we were soon on our way to his place. Though his employment with the company ended that Friday, he wasn't moving away for a few more days and the start of is new job was a over a week away. Suffice it to say, it didn't matter that we had stayed out late drinking, neither of us had any plans or any where to be the next morning.

On the drive to his apartment we talked about the new job, people he would miss the most, as well as other things. It was no secret that Matt was gay, very openly in fact, so it came as no surprise when the conversation shifted to guys and sex. I of course was not offended by such talk and I listened and smiled when he would reveal the things he has done with a fellow or two. Though he was a bit on the effeminate side, it was not that annoying flamboyance of one broadcasting his lifestyle and worse, one that sought constant attention. Nor was he the type to force it down your throat either. No, in fact he was for the most part, very easy going and quiet. I have no doubt that because of his gentleness and sensitivity that he would probably play the more feminine role in a relationship.

The alcohol decreased his inhibitions as it often does to people who consume it, so when he touched upon the subject of oral sex I suddenly found myself curiously interested in the topic and I listened intently as the conversation deepened. Without realizing it, I actually engaged him on the subject, asking him question after question like how it is done or how it feels to do it, if he's ever had it done to him, if he's ever had a man cum in his mouth, etc... . I believe he actually found it amusing, my continued questions, but his next response caught me completely off guard.

"Have you ever thought about doing it?" He asked.

"Doing what?" I answered, knowing full well he knew that I knew what he was talking about. I of course just laughed and rolled my eyes giving no reply.

"C'mon, you know ... giving a guy a blow job?"

No answer.

"Well?" He repeated.

"You know I like girls, Matt" I finally replied.

"So. I like girls too - I also like sucking cock - what's the problem?" He laughed.

"I like having mine sucked - but by a woman" I firmly, but humorously retorted.

"A blow job is a blow job. If you were to close your eyes, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference." He said

"Perhaps, perhaps not." I said as the discomfort started setting in.

Not discomfort caused by any offense to his conversation, but for the fact that my mind was awash with imagery while Matt gave up the description of his experiences and even more so, because I became aware of the consequences of those thoughts, namely a certain pleasurable, albeit embarrassing reaction that began to manifest in my pants. Matt continued to torture me with his interrogation.

"What seems to be the problem? You're thinking about it, aren't you? C'mon ... admit it. You are!"

"You want to know what it's like don't you?" He continued.

"Would you like to suck or be sucked?" he asked.

"You're drunk!" I said.

"Of course I am - I'm also horny. What about you?"

"Can we please change the subject?" I laughingly asked.

"You want to. I can see it. You've suddenly gone quiet, but you're not telling me to shove off either - you want to!" He smiled.

"What I want is to do is hit the sack, I'm tired."

Just then we arrived at his apartment. It was late and quiet so I wasn't worried about anyone seeing me enter with him. The thought of course entered my mind of other guys he had brought to his place for who knows what, but I didn't seem to care at that point what anyone would think if they did in fact see me. All I wanted to do was to go to sleep, but that didn't seem to relieve the tightness in my underwear or the embarrassing bulge that was no doubt visible. I of course did everything I could to conceal it, but because I had a drink or two at the bar, my inhibitions were relaxed for the moment as well - I was not sure if he had noticed or not, but thankfully he said nothing as we walked to his door.

All the time we worked together, I never once imagined engaging with Matt in any flirtatious banter despite the fact he would often display it to me and others in the office. And I was never offended when he would make suggestive comments to me in a friendly attempt to get me to put his jobs ahead of the other account executives work. But now we were in his apartment, alone together, with me, slightly and uncharacteristically aroused. For a moment, I began to wonder if we would regress back to the conversation in the car. His apartment was spacious and clean and I immediately felt very comfortable as I sat down on the couch.

"Do you mind if I take off my shoes"? I asked.

"Not at all, make yourself at home. You can take your pants off too if you like." He smiled

"would you like that?" I asked surprisingly.

Matt immediately turned around surprised as well and smiling, gauging whether or not I was just teasing him or if I was serious. I'm not sure what vibe I was giving off as I wasn't quite sure what I was thinking myself. Just then that cautious, nervous feeling came over me - that feeling of wanting to do something naughty but being too afraid to act and then my thoughts turned inward.

"Whoa - what the hell am I doing?" I asked myself.

"This is Matt for crying out loud ... he's gay, you're not." I tried to reassure myself.

"So why am I suddenly having these crazy thoughts, and why am I getting turned on?"

Matt returned to his task of the moment which was to go into his room and change into something more comfortable - namely a t-shirt and his bikini briefs. I on the other hand, tried to push those earlier thoughts out of my head and relax the sexual tension that was building within me as Matt emerged from is bedroom with a pair of pillows.

"PINK BIKINIS?" "REALLY?" I laughed.

"And satiny smooth as well I can see!" I continued.

"Are you staring at my bulge mister?" he jokingly asked.

"OF COURSE NOT!"

"It sure looked like it to me for a minute."

He was correct, I did indeed glance at his package for a brief moment as he stopped in front of me. Putting the pillows down on the couch he continued to stand there, then unexpectedly he spun around like a princess, showing off his underwear, perhaps thinking I would enjoy it, he then asked;

"What do you think? Do you like them?"

"Suuuuure." I laughed.

"They're very comfortable, and they hold me in just right." he said as he again spun around again to face me.

Suddenly, in a very playful and flirtatious move, Matt took hold of the slim waist strap of the underwear and jiggled the contents therein not unlike a male stripper would to a group of horny women. "Woo hoo" he said just before he sat down next to me and laughed. We continued to laugh and joke around for several minutes in a sexual manner, I suppose he might have been testing my reactions to this behavior, for what reason I don't know, but I was feeling "giddy" for lack of a better word as the conversation became more serious.

"Thanks" he said.

"For what" I asked.

"I know you're straight and I have enjoyed working with you. You've never made me feel uncomfortable in any way. I know I made overtures to you once or twice, not expecting you to reciprocate of course, but you never reacted negatively toward me either and I appreciate that." He said.

We were sitting shoulder to shoulder on the couch as he continued and in a show sincerity, he reassuringly placed his hand on my arm and stroked it once or twice. The sensation was, at the very least, pleasurable and I could swear I could sense a growing attraction emanating from him. I was not disturbed in the least, in fact, a strange sense of curiosity began to emerge in me as well. So much so that on some as of yet unrecognized level, I found myself hoping the conversation would continue to see where it might ultimately lead.

I looked at him and smiled as our eyes made contact and held for a moment suggesting that thoughts of an attractive nature were spiraling in our minds. Thoughts I was unaccustomed to, but finding suddenly difficult to push away. I became aware that though I was quite confused, I was nevertheless, outwardly exhibiting signs that signaled to Matt that I might pursue and even welcome the idea of a moment of, for lack of a better word ... physical contact.

"I like to think I have an open mind" I said. "Besides, I never felt threatened by you in any way either."

"Not even when we were in the car, on the way here?" he laughed.

I hesitated in my response, because to say no would be a lie. A lie in the sense that though I didn't feel "threatened" per say, but I did in fact feel "something". And that something was still lingering and growing.

"Well" he softly repeated and smiled.

"No, of course not ... I didn't feel ... threatened." I said ambiguously.

"Uh Oh ,,, what does that mean?" he smiled and perked up.

"Nothing!" I quickly answered and turned away.

I could see him out of the corner of my eye leaning foward with a smile trying to see my red face and again gauge my meaning.

"I am definitely picking something up!" he said.

"You are quite mistaken young man." I weakly retorted smiling, turning my face back around, looking down in an obvious attempt to avoid eye any further contact. I was again beginning to feel that nervous, but curious sensation and without a doubt I was becoming even more flustered and aroused.

"What the hell is happening to me - what am I doing - am I actually flirting with him?" These thoughts raced through my mind as my heartbeat began to accelerate and with it my breathing.

"What's the matter?" He softly whispered.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?"

I could distinctly hear a bit of genuine concern and also guilt as the question trailed off. It seemed to me that he felt that he was beginning to cross some imaginary line and was worried I would now in fact become hostile toward him.

"No ... not at all." I said in a sympathetic and reassuring tone.

"You are not making me feel uncomfortable - don't think like that" I smiled.

Despite my increased breathing, my tone was calm and gentle - though I hadn't noticed, I was speaking to him exactly as I would speak to a girl in the same situation. A tone that indicated that I was comfortable with the situation and didn't mind the fact that he was sitting so close or even touching me.

"This is what I was talking about before." He said.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean - here I am sitting next to you on my couch, in my underwear, making a pass at you, and you are being nothing if not nice to me." He said.

"Most guys like you would have jumped up off this couch and ran out the door by now, not to mention possibly even slugging me in the jaw for such an obvious move - but you don't. Why is that?"

It was becoming increasingly difficult to hide the sensations swirling through my body and my mind began to reel with dizziness. I was actually extremely flattered that he admitted he was indeed making sexual advances toward me, but in the end, uncertainty took hold.

I really need to go to sleep if you don't mind." I nervously replied.

"Of course you do." He softly said and smiled.

"I suppose those pillows are for me?" I asked.

"No, they are for me. I'm sleeping out here on the couch."

"What? Why?" I asked.

"I want you to be comfortable. You drove me home and I want you to sleep in my bed, while I sleep out here."

"I can't take your be- ..." I said as he interrupted.

"Yes you can and you will - no discussion, it's yours, don't argue - besides, it's a king size."

"Are you sure?" I again protestingly asked.

"Yes."

"But before you go to bed, I want to give you something." He said.

"Whaaaat?" I asked suspiciously looking into his devious eyes.

"Close your eyes." he said.

"You're not going to ... you know ... what you said in the car ...? I surprisingly asked.

"Nooooo! - But I'd certainly like to." he again joked.

"What ...? I repeated, shocked and excited by the fact that he, in no uncertain terms, his desire to give me a blow job.

"Just close your eyes!" He laughed.

I humorously obeyed his request and closed my eyes. I could then feel Matt begin to move closer as my heart began to race.

"What is he going to do?" I thought.

Just then I could feel the warmth of his face near mine. I didn't need my eyes to know how close he was as I could detect a faint trace of alcohol from his breath. I knew he was very close. But what happened next was something that completely knocked me off guard. For some inexplicable reason I opened my mouth slightly and moistened my lips with my tongue as if in anticipation of a forthcoming kiss. My face remained steadfast in his direction, my heart pounding, my breath quick, but soft.

A moment later I could feel his nose softly touching my face as his mouth drew near to mine, and with that, the question was answered, the mystery had been solved. Everything was revealed to me as his lips softly pressed against mine. Matt was kissing me, if only for a brief moment, he was offering his affection to me and all I could do was return the gesture. Our lips touched for what seemed like several moments and gently slid over each of the others and then parted for a second. Astonishingly, I moved toward him and again we locked onto each other for a repeat of the first. I couldn't help but let my tongue slip forward ever so slightly and gently flick his as well and as our lips gently and slowly parted for the final time, he spoke.

"Thank you."

"For what?" I whispered as I opened my eyes to see his face still so close and his dreamy eyes staring into mine.

"I wanted to do that at least once before you drive away tomorrow and I never see you again. I've actually been wanting to do that for a long time." He confessed.

"You've wanted to kiss me ...? I asked incredulously.

"Does that surprise you?"

"A little." I said.

"All that time at work, everyday, in the office ... you've been wanting to kiss me." I repeated and strangely, I couldn't help but to feel slightly flattered.

"Well ... what did you think? That was your first time ... wasn't it?" He asked.

"It was ... different ... I feel ... I feel ... strange." I stammered.

There was nothing more I could say at that point, my body was trembling at what had just occurred. Matt had kissed me and I found, much to my surprise that ... I liked it. But I was so very unsure about doing it again and I was a bit frightened as well. How could I have allowed him to do that? And how is it possible that I found it enjoyable - easily as enjoyable as kissing girl for the first time. I was torn at that moment, torn between continuing with this sexual encounter or darting for the bedroom for the night. There was only one problem ... I couldn't move. I was paralyzed, not by fear, but for the fact that my penis was fully engorged and protruding. There certainly would be no hiding from Matt now and my plausible deniability would evaporate if he saw my in that state. At least sitting down afforded me the slight ability to hide the truth as a couch pillow covered the evidence, but there was no mistaking it, I was so out of control hard, the embarrassment would have sent me running for the door.

I think he knew I was confused and scared because he backed away and moved over. slightly. As he did, I couldn't help but notice that he too was in a state of arousal as well and possibly a little embarrassed about it too as he quickly covered himself with one of his pillows.

For several moments we sat in awkward silence, mixed feelings coursing through my head and body. Should I move to kiss him again? Will he even want to, and if so, then what - how far can and will this go, I wondered? The sensation and realization that I had just been kissed by a guy was almost overwhelming and I fought with the urge to continue

until the tension had abated enough for me to stand and exit to the bedroom. I paused and turned before entering to say goodnight, Matt replied but didn't look at me. I wondered perhaps if he was regretting the encounter and if I should stay and talk with him about it. Or perhaps he was feeling a bit of rejection that I didn't continue. Either way, in the end, I figured it was best to simply leave him be and not worry about it. In the morning perhaps we would simply have a laugh about the whole thing, blaming it on the alcohol - no harm no foul.

The next morning I awakened fairly early by a slight movement on my left side. It was Matt laying next to me quietly. I opened my eyes and turned my head surprised that he was lying next to me.

"What? What's wrong"? I sleepily asked.

"I'm just wondering how much longer you are going to keep your hand there?" he asked.

It took me a moment or two to process what he was saying.

"My hand?" I asked.

It was at that moment I realized that as I was laying in the bed, I had somehow positioned myself so that my arm and hand was resting mostly on his penis under the covers.

"UHH!" I gasped and removed my hand.

This woke me right up and brought me to my senses.

"Oh Matt, I'm so sorry for doing that! I had no idea I was touching you that way."

The embarrassment was almost overwhelming, but there was something else as well. I had noticed that when I realized I was touching his penis and moved away, I actually dragged my hand it over it's length and could feel it's size, girth and hardness. This again caused an uncharacteristic reaction in me as I continued to profusely apologize to Matt.

"Please don't be angry, I had no idea ... You know that I would never try to take advantage of you like that ...?" I stammered.

"Really! ... Oh gawd, I'm so embarrassed ... please forgive me, Matt. The last thing I wanted to do is upset you." I continued.

"It's alright." he said.

"I'm not angry at all - don't worry about it." he said reassuringly.

"Are you sure ... I, I mean... ."

"Stop ... it's OK, I'm really not angry at all."

After a few moments, I finally asked the queston.

"Well, what are you doing in the bed - I thought you were on the couch?" I said, trying to shift at least some of the blame to him.

"The couch was too uncomfortable and I came in at about 2:30 am. You were all the way over to the other side, so I climbed in over here on this side." He said.

I then realized that I had in fact, moved during the night to encroach on his side of the bed and it was then that I must have inadvertently encroached a little too much with my hand coming to rest where it did.

"When did you notice my hand was there" I asked curiously.

"Ooooh - about 5:00 am." he admitted.

"5:00 am? It's almost 8:00. Are you telling me that I had my hand on your cock for almost 3 hours?"

"Yes." he groaned.

"Well why didn't you wake me or move it?"

"I figured you would eventually move, and I didn't want to wake you." he said.

I laid there for a few minutes before turning on my side to face him. Curiously, I had not moved away to put any distance between us, and then it started. That nervous anticipation I had felt the night before and it began to grow, as did something else a little further below under the covers. I could hear Matt huff and puff and turn his head from side to side every few minutes as his inability to go back to sleep continued. I on the other hand, couldn't help but replay the situation over and over in my mind, reliving that moment I had moved my hand and felt his rock hard cock. This turned me on immensely - as much if not more than the kiss we shard the night before did.