I Did Mind, I Did Matter

It was easy to get her in and impossible for her to get herself out. Air and sea were the only viable means of transportation heading north and she couldn't afford either.
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Chile extends about 2,500 miles south to the tip of SA and Antarctica where there would be no escape. Nor would going east over the 22,000' high Andes Mountains and then 750 miles across the Argentina pampas to Buenos Aires get her no closer to home.

Going north meant passing through a dozen corrupt and guerilla-ridden countries from Columbia to the US border with all the border crossings and checkpoints, and her not having any pass-through visas. There were also the problems of drug cartels and bandits.

A 7,000-mile retreat north on the ground from S.A. to N.A. by a lone female "gringo" through all the remote areas was impossible to anybody but "GI Jane" with full armament and backup. Thank God I didn't teach the bitch to shoot or give out any names to use.

To the west, unless she decided to swim up the coast half the length of SA and all of Central America into San Diego, or hitch-hiked a ride on a drug-smuggling boat, her only option was to enter the seagoing 'trap'.

Having selected the port, my next task was to get matchups of all the possible cruise ships and freighters stopping in Valparaiso that would give me enough time to set everything up.

In 1995, the Internet was barely more than Usenet and BBS's, so I worked through travel agencies to hunt down three Pacific cruises that met my criteria, and tentatively picked one that was registered in Hong Kong and would most appeal to her. It rolled a lifetime of dreams into a six-month-long, all expenses paid vacation that that would stop for a day in Valparaiso about nine months from now.

Like a seagoing bus, it stopped at all the tropical isles and every tourist hotspot from the Antarctic to the Arctic. My ex would need to pack everything from bikinis to snowsuits.

My problem then became finding tramp freighters that fit into my plan as the 'trap' and work a deal with one of the captains.

Freighters come in two flavors -- corporate and 'tramp'. Corporate means large companies and immense ships under long-standing contracts with lots of strict rules of their own. No funny business is allowed, and a thousand-foot-long container ship didn't fit my plan.

Tramp freighters, owned by smaller companies and individuals, were tiny, considerably cheaper and abided solely by the "laws of the sea" -- the Captain's orders overruled all else. I needed one of these slow boats to China that works when and where there is supply and demand, no matter how small the port. They might go back and forth between the same two ports for years on end, or they might not hit the same port twice in a decade.

I called the Valparaiso port authority and asked if they could fax me what information they had about the smaller, non-corporate freighters that had docked there in the past year -- names, dates, country of origin or registry, owners of record, contacts, etc...whatever they had. They faxed me a list of twenty-three with basic information I could work with.

Within two days time, I had located the freighters' owners and called their offices to find out when a ship of theirs would be back to Valparaiso. Through various means, I was able to quickly pare the list of tramp freighters down to four and got the names of the ships and their captains, their normal radio frequencies and call signs, and recent photos of the ships.

Their home offices faxed me mostly B&W photos of rusty, crusty, barnacled bathtubs. If any of those floating caskets could get up enough steam to actually create a bow wake without blowing themselves up, no self-respecting porpoise or flying fish would surf it.

An old army buddy I drank with on occasion had a Ham radio and often comm'ed with ships at sea around the world. I called him and explained what I needed to do and that I had a bit of a time crunch. He told me to come right over to his house and we contacted the ships' radio operators via Morse code. I had to work a deal with one of their captains or my grand plan was a bust.

Within two weeks, I talked with all four of them via collect calls from various ports. One was too drunk to understand what I was saying; another wouldn't consider it. He was a straight-up guy, for a tramp steamer captain. The other two captains had no such qualms and proved their mettle at haggling; but one demanded too much and gave too little.

I found I could work with the other captain and it appeared we would be able to negotiate terms we were both willing to accept.

"Captain, I'm looking for a non-corporate ship that spends as little time in port as possible; and I want my ex-wife to be kept aboard your ship for at least three years without shore leave and no communications outside the ship.

"Señor, I am one ship of three plying the Pacific and Indian Oceans for a private owner who decides where and when our loads come and go, and we often have to anchor offshore for days until he can find us another load. We sail the west coasts of the three Americas, across to Asia and India, and down Africa. We have just come off shore leave and only Buddha knows when we will have another.

"On the date you mentioned, we will be taking a load of copper from Valparaiso to Seattle where we will trade for iron bound for China. There, we will get a load of cheap electronics and other trade goods to bring back to the smaller markets of Central and South America."

"Captain, in exchange for taking my ex-wife aboard, I will wire you an upfront payment to agree to our deal, another payment each year she is aboard, and a final amount when our deal is concluded and she is returned alive to any US port. We will agree to the amounts.

"What you offer is very tempting. My crew is a tough, multi-national bunch who would fuck a skunk's ass while he's squirting, but they may bruise her. Does that concern you?"

"No, captain, a little bruising won't affect our deal. If you can time your departure to be on the evening tide of the day I inquired about, it would work well".

The captain raised another important point. "That can be arranged, but this is a working trade vessel and the only way the authorities will allow her to leave port on my ship is if she has 'able seaman' papers. I would have to add her to the ship's crew roster as a cabin girl. However, I can have a set of Chilean papers ready for her when she arrives at the dock that will work to get her out; but I will not have time to bribe the proper official and get his real signature, and a forged signature would raise a red flag should we return.

"I will keep her passport and papers locked in my safe until the end of our agreement unless they are demanded by officials. If the ship's papers are inspected on our return to Valparaiso, she will be discovered; but fortunately, we only visit Chile two or three times a year and they've only checked my papers twice in the last ten years.

"In any port we visit other than the US, or if she tries to get aboard another ship, the forgery will be discovered if she can't answer a port official or ship's officer fluently in Spanish/Quechan dialect; but I will make certain she stays aboard."

"Fine, Captain; and please use cost of the papers and bribes to collect all the money she has before she boards your ship. She should have about $1200 USD. Don't let her hide any of it. Search her and her baggage. If she does get loose, she must not have money. It's yours as part of the deal, keep it."

"You should also know she can swim at least a mile and needs to be watched when in sight of land. If she sees shore, she's going overboard, even into a school of sharks. She would never believe that being a bitch doesn't change her flavor all that much to a hungry 16-foot Tiger shark."

When I described my ex and her history, and faxed him a very personal picture I had no further need of, he talked me into allowing him to keep her for additional years at his option without further payments from me; and to allow him to "loan" her to the other two ships in their fleet for a little extra money after his crew tired of her, maybe rotating ships annually (anally?).

I agreed, provided it was limited only to his fleet; and regardless of which ship she was on, he would be personally responsible for returning her to the US alive or my plan would have served no lasting purpose. Plus, she had to be aboard his ship when each payment was due from me.

Each year, I'd fax him a unique message with the current date displayed on it and a note for her to assume a new pose. He would take a picture of my ex in that pose holding that fax clearly showing the message and date, and fax the picture back to me. Then I would wire that year's payment to his account.

We agreed on the final terms, conditions, and amounts for the upfront payment, the annual payments for each of the first three years beginning as soon as she stepped aboard with her seaman's papers; and a final payment for putting her ashore alive on U.S. soil at the end of her "vacation".

Upon closing the deal, I immediately wired the upfront payment to the account he gave me. He would receive the first year's installment payment as soon as she was aboard with her papers and the ship cleared the harbor.

Now with the port, liner, and freighter locked in, I went to work on the 'switch' process. It was seven months before the sailing date.

I needed a cover to provide the prize, so, I created a new corporation, using the ID of a young US ex-patriot who had just recently died from natural causes in a foreign country to be the Agent of Record for the state of incorporation.

While I waited for the corporate charter, I advertised in the big city newspaper near my ex's hometown for a recent college graduate who would handle a lot of the details and wouldn't ask questions.

With six months to go, I found Sandra who had a 2.5 GPA and a recent local college BA. My ex should be able to relate to her, easing possible concerns. We spoke over the phone.

"Sandra, this job entails doing much of the preparation work for a new TV practical joke show, as well as playing a small role in the joke we're doing as a test for the studio. We'll secretly tape the 'winner' in public and we may also tape in your office, so you'll need to adopt and practice a stage name and a fake history."

I explained the job would only last nine months or so; but if she did well, I would give her a great recommendation as a facilitator for an "edgy" TV show to kick off her career.

The 'You Won!' package would be sent to the target of our joke ninety days before the show would move to Chile. If all went well to that point, Sandy's job would last that final three months after delivering the package, plus a week or two to close up the local office.

She agreed, and I flew out to meet her the next morning. We settled on a reasonable salary and I hired her. As the only human being I would actually be face-to-face with during the operation, I never told her my real name or anything about my life or the TV program that could jeopardize the plan.

While I was in town, I also found out Claire was pregnant. She told me she was going to name the boy after me and Steve as the father. Good job, Steroid Cuckold. You must have some awesome lead in your pencil, since she says you haven't fucked her in three years. Let's see if you can pony up $600 for a DNA test and a few more grand in legal fees to fight paternity. If not, you get to pay for raising my baby boy out of your ex-wife's belly for the next eighteen years.

By the way, Mo' Fo', there's something else still comin' at ya.

Sandra set up a local bank account with a debit card under the new corporate Tax Id and the SocSec of the dead Agent of Record from the charter with a facsimile of his signature; and I wired in the funds to get rolling from an offshore numbered account.

Ownership and control of those accounts was tied up in a maze of legitimate corporations, LLCs, LLPs, and "blind" trusts in which I, and now our dead compatriot Agent, both had an interest and could draw upon using only proprietary pass codes.

Anything can be hidden by burying the answer in so many disconnected and convoluted facts and threads that it would take an army of Chinese mathematicians too much time and dedicated effort to trace it. Even the IRS gives up when costs exceed expected revenues, and smart CPAs refuse to try for fear of liability. Lawyers will keep trying because they get paid $100-200/hour, for their $12/hour paralegal failures until the client squeals.

I would pay the freighter captain and the refundable portion of the cruise directly from my numbered account. The company debit card would be used to pay all other company and plan-related items such as office expenses and salary, travel tickets, publishing the 'You Won!' packet we'd be putting together, etc.

We scouted some cheap office parks for space for a small office and Sandra put the deposit on the card. I told her to call me when she had the office operational, then flew home so I could do some of my regular work and take care of my tasks in this plan. She had it ready in no time. In the meantime, I had some business cards made up and shipped to her.

When she called me, I gave her the phone number of the cruise company reservations desk, the name of the cruise ship, which cruise package I was interested in, and the date it would be in Valparaiso. I asked her to get the price of joining the cruise there and to request all of their marketing material about that package be sent to her ASAP. When she let me know the cost of reserving a top-side cabin, I would wire the funds to cover it so she could charge the non-refundable deposit to the company card.

After making the cruise reservation, she started researching airline flights from the local airport that would land in Santiago as close as possible to when the cruise ship would sail, and for any information they had about transportation from the airport to the docks in Valparaiso.

When she had the flight information, she called the Chilean bus company to find how long it would take to get Sarah from the air terminal to the cruise liner dock and what times of day they made the run.

Sandy called me to let me know that the last possible flight was from San Diego and scheduled to land in Santiago the afternoon of the day before the cruise sailed. Buses ran every four hours from 6am to 6pm, so 10am the next morning was the best time for the bus trip.

"Get the tickets from home to Santiago for that flight and a bus ticket for the 10am run to the docks the next day. Make sure all the tickets are non--transferable and non-refundable; and have the bus company send us the ticket or a voucher to insure there are no problems with that leg. Also, reserve a room for her one night stayover at an off-airport hotel. She can pay for the cab both ways."

I also had Sandra get a non-refundable, non-transferable return flight from Seattle where the cruise was scheduled to end back to the home airport. It would never be used, but was a necessary cover piece for our 'joke'.

We kept working on the 'You Won!' package: adding the VHS tape from the cruise company and the pictures I got from the Chilean Tourist Bureau; details like payments for rent, cars, and pet care while Sarah was at sea; and advice about converting her own money to Traveler's checks and stopping newspaper deliveries. We kept refining and polishing it right up until our publishing deadline.

Sandra found an upstart advertising and printing company that would produce a professional-quality version of our 'You Won!' package for $500 in under thirty days.

At 120 days before the departure date, we took the 'You Won!' package to the publisher so the finished product could be in Sarah's hands exactly 90 days before the departure date. I also paid the balance owed for the cruise out of my hidden account.

The 'bait' would be a tasty morsel indeed. For my ex, having never been more than a few miles from her hometown, the VHS tape and various pictures would preview her expected luxurious journey to a litany of Earthly paradises, an adventure to give her major bragging rights back in her little home town.

It was intended to make her think that, when she returned home, it would take years to tell all her tales. If I had my way, she would have plenty of tales to tell - harrowing tales of life lived on the high seas...tales to make men quake and women swoon.

When it was done, the published "You Won!" packet looked very professional and contained all of the glossy visual and printed information we wanted her to have. We both checked it with a fine-toothed comb and signed off on it. Sandra prepped it in a FEDEX box with a "Priority - Same Day" delivery slip, and set it on her desk to wait until 90 days before the flight out.

I took Sandra out for an afternoon of fun, an evening of dining and dancing; and a night of even more fun. I began writing her letter of recommendation on my flight home. Oh, what I could have written in that recommendation, but I focused on her efficiency, business acumen, and entrepreneurship. That 2.5 GPA understated her true value in business, and didn't even approach her value in bed.

When the calendar clicked down to the mailing date, Sandra took the package to FEDEX office and had it delivered to Sarah via courier right on schedule.

Three days later, Sarah took the bait and arranged to meet Sandra at the office to officially accept her 'prize'. Sandy explained over the phone that as the prize required overseas travel, a passport was required. Since the passport would be good for ten years, Sarah would need to pay for that, in cash.

When Sarah arrived, Sandra explained the flight, hotel, bus, passenger dock process and timing. Using the phone's loudspeaker while Sarah listened, Sandra called the reservation desks for the cruise line, airlines, and the bus company in Chile and all confirmed that there were prepaid-in-full airline reservations in her name from her home, a bus to the cruise ship, and a flight home when it was over.

Then she had Sarah fill out the passport application form. She pointed out the passport application process could take a couple of months once it was sent in. No passport...no prize. Sandra added the certified cashier's check she'd gotten for the application fee to the envelope, and Sarah gave her Sam's money to cover it.

Sarah had to go a few buildings away to get two passport photos taken to be sent in with the application. When she returned with the photos, they mailed the application and photos from the leasing company's office mail room down the hall.

Sandra went over the rest of the package and got the necessary information from Sarah about her rent, car payments, and two pets; and made the phone calls while Sarah listened in on the arrangements with the landlord, the company holding the car lien, and the pet kennel / stable we'd selected.

Sarah agreed to make any other necessary arrangements on her end, and to be ready to travel three hours before flight time with passport in hand. She would be picked up at her home and receive the tickets and last-second information prior to entering the airport terminal.

I put a PI on the other very important problem I needed to know absolutely everything about; and gave my lawyer a heads-up regarding an anonymous "Friend of the Court" brief I wanted filed for the health and safety of a minor child when the time was right (as soon as Sarah was officially 'a missing person'').

With my glowing references, Sandy spent most of her time over the next ninety days job hunting and going to interviews. She finally nailed one down that was a distance up the western coast from my home.