I Didn't Have a Choice

"You're no longer married to Karin. You divorced her remember?" the voice in head screamed. I didn't get any sleep that night or the next night either. What the hell was I doing having dinner with her now almost every week. I knew I still loved her, but it wasn't natural what we were doing. And how about Karin? It looks like she's moved on from what I could tell.

Karin e-mailed me that she wanted to go to the same seafood place that I'd seen her at on Friday night.

"I've made reservations for 7:30 and we can go to the lounge to dance if you're up to it," she told me. "I'll see you there," she signed off with.

I almost didn't show up. More than once I almost turned around and went back home, but it was time to have the "talk" finally with Karin and I wasn't looking foreword to it.

Dinner was quieter than usual as though we both had something to say and weren't sure how to bring it up.

"How's your dinner?" she asked.

"Not bad, about the same as it was last Saturday when I was here," I told her.

Karin got this sad look on her face and said nothing as she sipped her wine.

"How long have you two been going out?" I asked.

"A little while," she replied.

"Karin, you don't have to explain anything to me. We're divorced and you've got your own life now," I told her as the words stuck in my craw.

I would rather have had Karin take her knife and stab me in the chest than to hear what she said next.

"We're just going out but he wants me to go to bed with him and I really do miss a man next to me at night," she said as she finished her glass of wine.

"Well I guess it's now out in the open," I said wiping my mouth with my napkin before standing up and throwing it down on the table. "The reason we got divorced was because you didn't want to have sex anymore, but I guess it was that you just didn't want to have sex with me any longer. At least now I understand," I said maybe a little too loud.

"Steve please sit down and let me explain," she tried to say.

"No thank you Karin. This is my second meal here I haven't finished because of you. I guess you've moved on and I hope your new guy is better in bed than I was," I said as I threw a hundred dollar bill on the table. "Thank you for a wonderful and most enlightening evening, but if you don't mind I think I'll call it a night."

"Steve!" Karin started to say.

"Don't bother getting up, I know my way out," I said as I turned tail and almost ran out. I lost my dinner in the parking lot before I could get to my car. And for the second time, I got fucked up. I wasn't sure if you could drink yourself to death, but I tried my best anyway.

Karin called and e-mailed me but I never returned either.

"I didn't say I went to bed with him, only that he wanted me to. I do miss a man in my bed, but you're the man I miss lying next to me. Please don't shut me out, I couldn't take that," she wrote. But I did.

For the next three months, I had sex with fifteen different women. White, black, tall, short and most were pretty good looking. I guess I kind of went out of my way to please them because they all gave me high marks in the bedroom. But it wasn't what I was looking for. Sex with a hot looking woman is great, but lovemaking with that special someone is off the charts. There was one woman, Rose, I went out with more than once, but she was looking to settle down, right now, and I wasn't ready for that. So, my life basically sucked.

About a month later I got an e-mail from Karin, it was the first one I'd had in a long time.

"Steve, I'm in counseling and trying to handle a few issues. I know I don't have the right to ask you this, but would you consider coming to a session or two. My councilor thinks it would help her understand a few things," she wrote.

I thought about it for a couple of days and wrote back I didn't see any reason why not. "Just let me know where and when," I told her.

We were sitting in the doctor's office waiting for her appointment when Karin broke the ice.

"Thanks for doing this," she told me.

"No problem," I replied now kind of looking through her.

When we got inside Karin introduced me to June, her doctor.

"Great, a female doctor," I thought to myself. "Now I'll have two women on my ass for the next hour and a half," but that wasn't the case, only one.

"Well Steve," she started. "I'd like to thank you for coming. I know it can't be easy for you, but there's a few areas I need your point of view on what happened in your marriage," she told me.

"I'll try my best."

"All right, after your divorce became final, why did the two of you continue going out? I guess it was just dinner and dancing but I understand there was some physical contact and kissing going on between the two of you? I need to understand why? Why hadn't you decided to move on at that point?" she asked.

"June, we didn't hate each other, quite the contry. I was still loved her at that point, I just couldn't stay married to her. We always enjoyed each other's company and I still loved to dance with her," I told her. "It wasn't until that night that I decided to move on since Karin had already. We were kidding ourselves and I guess I was still trying to hold onto a little piece of my marriage as crazy as that sounds."

"But you're the one that divorced Karin. You could have stopped that at any time," she replied.

"Look June, I wasn't going to stay married to Karin because I would have ended up cheating on her. She no longer wanted sex with me any more and I wasn't dead yet. I believed, and still do, it's wrong to cheat on your wife, so I divorced her."

"Steve, did you have sex with anyone else before the divorce became final?" June asked.

"No I didn't. It was a long time after before I took anyone else to bed," I replied.

"Let me guess, it was after that night at dinner when you two had that argument."

"Maybe, I don't remember exactly," I told her.

"Come on Steve, you felt Karin betrayed you by sleeping with someone else, so you paid her back by finding someone else to sleep with, is that about right?" she asked me.

"Look June, it's not about me, it's about her," I told her getting a little annoyed. "We're no longer married, Karin can go to bed with whom ever she wants, it makes no difference to me any longer," I told her.

"Come on Steve, do you really expect me to believe that. The woman you spent twenty-two years married to, the woman who turned you down for sex time and time again for what, thirteen months now telling you she was going to do the big nasty with someone else? Didn't that kind of piss you off? Isn't that why you stormed out of the restaurant?"

"Damn right it was," I shouted at both June and Karin. "I guess I no longer did it for her, so she went looking for some strange cock. The only reason we got divorced in the first place is because Karin no longer wanted any sex, and now she wanted sex, just not with me. I loved that woman more than life itself and she made my fucking life hell. Everyone turned against me because I was the bastard who divorced the perfect wife. If they only knew my perfect wife was a fucking bitch then maybe I wouldn't have been quite the asshole everyone made me out to be," I said standing up. "I don't need this shit. Been there once, and I'm not about to live it a second time," I said walking out of the room to a stunned June and Karin.

I was so hot; I had a hard time driving. I called work to tell them I needed the rest of the day off and headed for the nearest bar. After two drinks I stopped. What the hell was I doing? Karin was still running my life and I was letting her get to me, no more.

I called Rose up and had a heart to heart talk with her. I still wanted to see her, but I wasn't ready to settle down with her or anyone else quite yet. So if she still wanted to go out under those conditions I'd be more than happy to oblige.

Next, I wrote an e-mail to all three of my kids. It was a scathing e-mail stating exactly why I divorced their mother. I told them that I still loved them, but that they were acting like spoiled brats and that this was my last correspondence with them.

"If you want to talk to me, then it's up to you get a hold of me now. I've tried to be a good father, but I'm over that now. Either get your head out of your ass or write me off for good, and at this point I don't care which anymore." I sent one e-mail and copied all three.

Finally, I started a cooking class. I'd been doing microwave meals so long, I'd forgotten how to boil water. It met three times a week and once a month we had a potluck on Saturday night. For the first time, since my divorce, I was in charge again.

I was having a lot of fun again. I was still dating Rose and someone also from my cooking class. Work was still busy, but I had a much better mind set. Every once in a while I'd see one of my old friends and instead of turning the other way, I'd now go up to them and make them as uncomfortable as hell. Life was good.

Karin still sent me an e-mail once in a while but I never responded to them any longer. My kids never got back to me, but I heard through Karin that they'd sat down one weekend and asked her the real reason why I'd left. She said she was honest with them, but I had my doubts. Karin asked if I'd come back to the counseling sessions, but I never replied.

"Mr. Stephen Moore?" the caller asked me at work one morning.

"Yes, this is Steve. How can I help you?" I asked.

"I don't know if you remember me, my name is June. I met you at one of your ex-wife's sessions," she told me.

"How can I forget," I told her. "I'm sorry for losing my temper but I think under the circumstances you can see why," I told her. "How can I help you?"

"I was wondering if you would be willing to come back for another session? I promise to go a little easier on you, but I think it would help Karin put closure on her marriage."

"I thought she'd already done that?" I replied.

"Steve I don't feel comfortable about discussing this matter over the phone. If you're available tomorrow afternoon at 2:00, I can go over the areas I would like to discuss with you."

I looked at my calendar. "June 2:00 works for me I'll see you then," I said hanging up. I wasn't looking forward to seeing Karin again, especially after our last meeting.

"Thank you for coming," June said leading me into her office.

"No problem," I said looking around for Karin. "Is Karin running late?" I asked.

"She's not coming Steve, I wanted to talk to you alone," she told me.

"What about patient doctor confidentially?" I asked.

"Karin told me last time that I could discuss anything and everything with you or with her three kids if necessary. Would you like a cup of coffee or a bottle of water before we get started?"

"No. I'm fine. Why don't you hit me with what you want," I told her getting comfortable.

"All right. Steve, Karin still doesn't understand why you left, or hasn't totally come to grips with it. After a ton of test, she's found out that she has a chemical imbalance that's been giving her mood swings among other things. I guess it was your e-mail to your kids that forced her to look further. They never saw a problem, but besides Randy they didn't live with her," she told me.

"But what does that have to do with me?" I asked.

"Steve do you still love her?"

"June, that's a hard one. I did before, but over these last few months I don't know anymore. I've kind of moved on and have really started to enjoy my life for the first time since our divorce. I don't think I want to go back to where I was."

"How about if you were going back to the wife you once had? The Karin you loved before she went kind of nuts?" she asked.

"That's a tough one. I kind of remember the way it used to be, but with all the shit that's gone on since, it's hard to remember if we were really happy or just content to be with one another."

"Your kids want me to tell you that they're sorry for what they put you through," June told me.

"Screw them. They've got two hands and ten fingers. Why haven't they picked up the phone or e-mail me over the last year and a half; even after they found out I wasn't the asshole they thought I was. I found out that I don't need them. I wanted them in my life, but I no longer need them. Same with Karin."

"You've gotten a lot harder over the last couple of months Steve and you're not as sensitive as you were the last time," she told me.

"You can only beat a dog so long before he just doesn't care any longer and dies or gets mad and bites you back. I'm not going to take their shit any longer; I've chosen to live. So, if I can help Karin great as long as it doesn't affect my life any longer. I tried, she fucked up, case closed."

"Well Steve I think I've got all my questions answered. I appreciate your help in this matter and if I need anything else, I'll call you. Thanks for coming in," June said standing up and extending her hand. I went back to work and had a great rest of the week.

We'd just finished having sex and we lying there enjoying the after glow.

"Steve, that was nice," Rose said kissing me. "I love that little thing you do with your tongue, but not as much as what happened after," she said biting my lower lip. "My mom's watching Danny and I'd like you to spend the night, that is unless you're planning on meeting someone else after you leave here," she said.

"I don't think I've got the energy to take on two hot blooded women in one night, but if you want, I'll try, but I can't guarantee anything," I said trying to make a joke but it didn't work.

"I know you're also seeing someone else so I thought I'd ask," she replied.

"Rose, I've been honest with you since day one. I like you a lot, but I'm just not ready to settle down just yet," I told her.

"I know that, but I now hate that word."

"What word?" I asked kind of dumbfounded.

"Like. If you'd said loved or cared a lot about, that would be one thing, but liked; is so impersonal," she told me.

I guess I didn't know what to say, so I just looked at her. We both knew what was coming next.

"Steve, maybe it would be best if you did leave. I've got a lot to do tomorrow morning and with you here, I'd probably not get much sleep," she said with a faked smile.

I got dressed, gave her a nice kiss and left for the last time. She wanted something I just couldn't give her. "Hell, I don't think I even have it in me anymore," I thought to myself as I drove home in the early hours of the morning.

I still dated Beth from my cooking classes. The sex was great, hell, it was the best sex I'd ever experienced but we both knew it was just for fun. We were miles apart except for the bedroom. She was bi and every once in a while she'd break a date because her "friend" was getting jealous that we were spending too much time together. I once suggested we have a threesome, but Beth said that her friend was way too possessive for that to ever happen, unless I'd be content to just watch the two of them go at it. I told her I'd have to get back to her on that.

That's when Sue walked into my life. I had nothing to do one Sunday, so I decided to go condo shopping. I picked an area that was close to my work, the lake and the jogging path through the park and starting going from open house to open house. They came in all sizes and shapes, but I was getting a little frustrated at what they wanted price wise.

After listening to the realtor give me his spiel and taking the tour I told him I didn't think it was worth the asking price.

"The pools not done, the workout room has only three pieces of equipment and they want $600.00 for monthly fees? For what?" I asked. "Also, the workmanship is a little shoddy, I can still see the dry wall joints for Christ's sake," I said maybe a little too loudly when he said they were only $225,000.00. "I'm sorry, it'll be a cold day in hell before I pay anything like that for this place," I said starting to walk out before noticing I had a follower.

"Excuse me," she said trying to get my attention. "I couldn't help but over hear you talking to the realtor," she started. "You seem to know what you're talking about when it comes to quality. Maybe you can help me," she said as I stopped and turned to face her.

"Sue Collins," she said holding her hand out.

"Steve Moore," I replied. "What can I do for you?" I asked.

"Steve, I'm moving down from Atlanta and don't know a soul down here. I'm looking for a place to live but it seems I don't know what I'm looking at. I thought those condos looked pretty good. If it wasn't for you, I might have made a huge mistake," she explained.

"I don't know everything, but I'm pretty handy and I know quality workmanship," I told her.

"Would you be against me tagging along while you, or should I say we, looked?"

"Not at all, I'd be delighted."

That's how I first met Sue. She was in advertising and was opening up a new branch in Orlando. She was thirty-nine, divorced with one grown son who was in the military. Best on all, she was easy on the eyes. At about 5'6", and I guessed maybe 135 pounds she looked pretty good. Her auburn hair was cut pretty short because she loved to bike and long hair got in the way she informed me. Over dinner the following Saturday we laid out a plan to look at four units together on Sunday.

We met for breakfast and hit the first place at 10:00. It was ok but a little run down. We spent about forty-five minutes at the second and almost an hour at the third one that was new and had everything we both were looking for. The fourth one was an old house that had been recently converted into three condos.

"Wow," is all we said as we drove up. An old Victorian that looked like it had just been built. I guess I kind of ignored Sue as I walked around with my mouth wide open, it was beautiful. Who ever had done the work, had done a fantastic job. The kitchens, bathrooms, and the rest were like something out of design magazine.

"What do you think?" Sue finally asked.

"I think I'm in love," I said smiling at her.

"Not me, I'm asking about the house,' she said with a laugh.

"Their asking $265,000.00 for the penthouse and $250,000.00 for the two downstairs units, and I think their worth every penny," I told Sue. With all three floors, there has to be over four thousand square feet," I said before I heard someone say forty two hundred to be exact.

"There is over forty two hundred under air and that doesn't include the covered patio in the back or the three car detached garage," the realtor informed us. "If you're interested, I can give you the full tour and tell you what's new and anything else you may want to know," he told us.

"Lead on," I said speaking for the both of us.

For the next two hours we looked into every room including the crawl spaces and attic. Both the electric and plumbing were new including the appliances and bathroom fixtures. It was heated with a combination of natural gas and three roof mount solar panels. There was no pool but the backyard had enough room to put one in. The taxes were about normal but the fees, which included insurance and maintenance, were a little high. He kept pushing us to make an offer, but we said we'd get back to him. We finally left and decided to talk over dinner.

"Well, what do you think?" an excited Sue asked.

"The house is almost perfect but I'm not sure about the price. I think they'd take $10,000.00 less for the penthouse and maybe $7 to 8,000.00 less for the downstairs units," I told her.

"What are you going to do Steve?"

"My ex is still living in my house with my daughter Randy but, I think maybe I'm going to try for a loan. It's almost too good a deal to pass up. Why don't we get an appraisal done and see what they come back with. I'll call the realtor and say we're interested but we need to do a few things before we give him an offer. This way he knows were interested and will give us first chance at them," I told her as I did the math in my brain.