I Do Only Means Maybe If Your Lucky

I never knew Ann was jealous until we went out to dinner with a group of my friends after work. I'd known most of these couples for at least fifteen years and we were all used to the teasing that went on between us. When Diane grabbed me and pulled me to the dance floor, no one was shocked. When she dirty danced with me, everyone thought it was hilarious, that is, everyone but, Ann. I danced with a few of the other wife's and it wasn't until Terri grabbed my ass that I realized there was a problem.

"I want to go home," was all Ann said to me.

"You ok hon? Are you feeling sick?" I asked.

"I just want to leave now," was her reply.

"I joked around with the group in saying that we had to leave because there was a personal matter we needed to take care of," as I left with a wink.

Some of the guys told me to get it when I could because after we got married there would be "none anymore." As a few of their wife's gave them the evil eye.

I grabbed Ann and we headed out to the parking lot. She was quiet until we got into the car, and then came the explosion.

"How could you act like that out on the dance floor with those women?" she yelled. "They had their hands all over you and all you did was smile," she continued. "Do you care so little about me that you can just embarrass me in front of everyone? Those women acted like stinking tramps tonight, and I won't stand for it," she shouted.

"Relax, Ann. It was nothing more than a little grab-ass between friends," I told her. "Those women have no interest in me. They were just fooling around. That's all," I tried to explain but it didn't do me much good.

"I can't believe their husbands would allow them to act in such a shameless way. If you had acted like that, you'd be cut off for a whole year. Do you hear me?"

"Yes I did, yes I really, absolutely did hear you Ann," I thought to myself. I'm glad I did hear this.

"I don't think I want to be friends with people who act like that," she continued. "My friends don't lose control. It's no wonder that Carla cut you off sometimes."

"Carla's problem was that she forgot that marriage is an equal partnership in all areas including the bedroom," I told Ann. "She never had any problems with my friends, because she was secure in the fact that I'd never cheat on her, especially, with one of my friends."

"Well, that was her down fall. Most men cheat with someone they know, be it a friend or someone they work with," Ann said to me. "If I even thought that you were cheating on me, I'd kick your ass to the curb in a heartbeat. So don't even think of it."

So that certainly got me thinking. "Did I really know Ann, and what the hell was I in for years from now?" I asked myself. There was no way I wanted to go through another divorce. I wanted to be happy this time so that's when I decided to come up with a type of pre-nup agreement.

It only took me a few days to come up with a list of things that would make me happy. But what about the other things, the things I'd have to compromise on with a wife. They weren't so easy. I spent the better part of a month putting it down on paper and had Greg proof read and make legal suggestions. In the end however, it came down to what I wanted, or should I say, needed to make me happy. This is because it was my responsibility in the end to look out for myself.

What I ended up was the following, looking at the short version.

Paragraph #1: What constituted sex: anal, oral, hand jobs, blowjobs, screwing and most of all, lovemaking.

Paragraph #2: How often sex was to occur: Three to four times per week normally. Then, I listed exceptions like vacations, business trips, sickness, or injury, and the likes of. "It goes on a week to week basis and you couldn't bank extra sessions.

Paragraph #3: Dealt with what happens when one or the other doesn't perform, or refuses the other, sex. The injured party can get his/her needs taken care of by a person of his or her choice and the other party should pay a reasonable fee to have it done. Also, the act didn't constitute cheating because one party was not fulfilling their part of the agreement.

Paragraph #5: What constitutes cheating: I listed ten examples of what I thought would cover 90% of the cases; of which, not all included intercourse. The last one was that I simply stated that it would be an "act" that you wouldn't do in front of your spouse.

Paragraph #6: Covered divorce. We would leave with exactly what we brought into the marriage and 50% of what we accumulated while being married. There would be no alimony, child support, or anything else because we both worked and we didn't plan on having any more children.

Greg put it into a formal document and made everything legal including all the terminology, such as: to with, in accordance with, and not to exclude, and so on. It was pretty impressive, if I do say so myself. So much so, that Ann threw it in my face and refused to sign it.

After I gave it to her, Ann didn't call me for a week after stomping out the door. There were no e-mails, calls or even text messages until the following Saturday when she showed up at my door. "I'm sorry about last week" she started. "It's just that you took me by surprise. That's all. When I finally realized it was a joke, and you weren't serious, I decided to forgive you," she told me. "I'm going to take you out for dinner tonight, and after that, I'm going to make love to you until one of us can't walk anymore, and I don't care which one of us that is," she said with a smile. "So get your ass changed, as you've got ten minutes."

I decided to let it slide for tonight, I wasn't totally crazy, and it had been a week since we'd made love. True to her word, she nearly screwed me to death. We played grab-ass in the shower Sunday morning, and continued making wedding plans as if nothing was wrong. It was three weeks later, that I brought it up again.

"Hon, I don't see why you have a problem with the pre-nup. If you want something changed, let's talk about it," I told her.

"Steve, all it tells me, is what type of sex we're going to have, how often, and if I don't feel like it, that I have to pay for a hooker to service you. Doesn't that pretty much cover it? Don't we do it enough for you right now? How many more times a week can you get it up anyway?" she asked in a loud voice. "Marriage is more than just sex, Steve. It is about caring, loving, and being together," she said in a now quieter voice.

"Ann, look please. It applies to both of us, not just me. I think we have a great sex life, but I don't want it to end or get stale," I told her. "That was the main problem with my ex-wife. She believed that once every two weeks was enough for me, because that's all she wanted. I'm a very highly sexual person and it's very important to me. I feel the closest to you when I'm making love with you. Why wouldn't you want to do it whenever we could?" I asked her.

"Ok. Give me the agreement and I'll look it over. Satisfied? Now get your ass over here, momma needs some loving," Ann said while ripping off my robe. And that's what you call a happy ending to a weekend that started badly.

The wedding plans went on as scheduled. I asked her a couple of times about the pre-nup, and all she would say is that she had it covered. "So you don't have any questions about it?" I asked.

"Nope, I understand what you want," she replied. So that's how our conversations went.

Two weeks before the wedding, I was having a few brews with a couple of buddies. I didn't need or want a stag. "Ann sign the pre-nup?" Greg asked.

"Haven't seen it, but she say's that she has no problem with it," I replied.

"So, in other words, you haven't actually seen it or don't have it, in your possession. Do you?" he asked.

"Not yet, but it'll happen," I told Greg.

Just then a couple of the other guys put in their two cents. "Jackie's laying two to one odds that Ann doesn't sign it," he told me.

"A couple of the other wife's have told her that she would be a damn fool to sign it, because it is so one-sided," one told me.

"Personally, if I was doing it all over again, I would have my wife sign it, or I wouldn't go through with the wedding. I get sex maybe once a week, if I'm lucky. And God help me if I make any suggestions about spicing it up a bit," he said finishing up his beer. "The questions I usually get is, "You don't like the way we make love? Or, whom are you comparing me to? Are you cheating on me? You just can't win."

I listened to all of the comments, sloshed down another beer, and thought; "if she doesn't sign it, what then? Was it a deal-breaker? How did I get myself into this mess?" I asked myself. But I knew.

The day of the wedding was perfect. Greg and I stood at the altar waiting for Ann to walk down the aisle with her father. The church was almost packed but there seemed to be more people on Ann's side than mine. Was I nervous? "Hell yes I was nervous."

Just then, the music started. Ann slowly walked down the isle, with her father, who handed her off to me, before taking his seat in the first pew. We approached the priest and he told us to relax because that in ten minutes it would be all over. However, it didn't take that long.

He went through his list of questions and when he came to; "Does anyone see any reason that these two should not be joined?" I spoke up. "Ann, do you have the signed pre-nup with you?" I asked.

"I don't have that damn thing with me, Steve, I'll get it later," she told me.

"That's ok. I have an extra copy that I've already signed," I said pulling it out of my jacket pocket. "All you have to do is sign it at the bottom and Greg here will notarize it later."

"Steve, I'm not going to sign that damn thing right now. This is our wedding. We'll worry about that later," she told me.

"But, you promised Ann," I told her.

"Steve, I'm not going to sign it now, or ever, so let's forget about this foolishness and just do what we set foot here to do," she said while looking at the priest and trying to smile.

I turned around and faced the crowd of guests. "As many of you are aware, I asked Ann to sign a pre-nup agreement," I started. "She said that she would, as she put it, take care of it, but I guess she hasn't. I 'm told that almost all of the women present think that she would be a damn fool to sign it, because a lot of it deals with our sexual lives going forward from today. I can't with a clear conscience go forward with this marriage knowing that instead of talking to me about it, she just ignored it, while thinking that it would go away. Ann, I'm sorry to say that it has not." I said while walking down the stairs away from the altar.

"Steven Moore. Get your self back up here or so help me," she started to say before I cut her off.

"Is there any women in this church right now who would sign this agreement?" I asked while holding up the pre-nup. The church was dead quiet as all the women were shaking their heads in a no fashion. After what seemed like an hour, but was probably less than a minute, I lowered the document.

"Steve. You have embarrassed yourself enough. Now get back up here, so we can continue," said a mad Ann, as the church was dead silent.

"I would be honored to sign it," I heard a voice from the back of the church say. In the last row of pews, right next to the door a middle-aged blonde stood up. "I'll sign it now, in front of God, and everyone else if you'll let me," she said walking up the aisle.

"Shut her the hell up. Get her out of here," Ann yelled.

"Let her talk," I told everyone.

"I guess I know now that a marriage isn't some kind of game where each one tries to gain the advantage and win," she said out loud. "I guess there are rules and if you break them, you lose, no matter whether you think it's fair or not. So if you'll allow me, I'll sign that agreement and if it means we have to include Rose, so be it," she said smiling.

"Give me that damn agreement, I sign it. Ann said while shouting at me. "Someone give me a damn pen," she yelled.

"I'm sorry Ann. As you can see, it has an expiration time of 10:00 this morning, and it's now after 10:30. The offer is off the table," I said walking down to Carla. I offered her my arm and we walked over to where my kids were sitting. "Come on kids. Lets go home," I said as we all walked out of the church together.

My understanding is that it got a little crazy after we left. Ann's father asked her why she didn't either sign it, or tell him that she wasn't going to, because he was now stuck with all this food. I was called a whole lot of bad names by most of the women, but the guys clapped as I walked out. I'll bet a lot of them we're going to get cut off tonight.

Greg drafted up a new agreement that Carla and I both agreed upon, and we signed it the following day. Greg married us a week later in our backyard with just our family present. The cruise lines wouldn't let me substitute Carla for Ann, but gave us a credit we used on our honeymoon cruise a month later.

To add insult to injury, our wedding made the news and local paper. It quoted Ann as telling a reporter that "Steve could go screw himself and that he wasn't that good in bed anyway." She moved away a short time later to God knows where.

Rumor has it; she met a guy six months after the wedding. He proposed eight months later, and that is when she hit him with a pre-nup. Last anyone heard, they were hashing over the terms of the agreement.

"Are me and Carla happy? Yes. Very much so. Do I think it'll last? I hope so, but if not, I've got a free get-out-of–jail-card, and I'm pretty sure Rose is still around.