I Dream of Angels Pt. 02

For the next several days, I tried thinking up names for the girl in my dreams, but none seemed to fit. Actually, it was like my mind wouldn't accept and recognize what I picked to be her name. I would think up a name, and when I'd try to say it while imagining the girl and associating her with it, the name would suddenly become inaudible to me. I would hear that sound from my dreams, the muffling sound that always blocked out her name, even when I spoke it. I could feel my lips shaping the word and my vocal cords shaking to create the sound, but I could never hear it when I spoke it.

As always, my meetings with the girl were much less calm and platonic than that magical night. I would wake up, we would talk a little, and sometimes I would be able to wrap my arm around her and hold her for a few minutes, but it never advanced past that.

I was standing in the boy's bathroom at school, muttering curses in front of the urinal. I had been there for more than five minutes and I needed to piss like a truck driver, but I couldn't even break the seal.

"Goddammit, I don't need another health issue. Just piss already."

I finally groaned as the reserves were released, but as soon as I looked down into the urinal and saw the color red, I gritted my teeth and began to shake in frustration. After finishing my answer to nature's call, I walked over to the sink and leaned against it, trembling from head to toe.

"SON OF A BITCH!" I roared, punching the nearby wall and splitting my knuckles.

With my hand bleeding, I walked out of the bathroom and back to class, where a math test was being taken. Returning to my desk, I began stuffing my things into my bag, splattering blood from my hand and muttering curses.

"Marcus, is something wrong?" the teacher asked from her desk.

"I need to leave, I need to get to the hospital. It seems my kidneys are now failing."

I was with my parents in Dr. Turner's office, who was looking over the results from my blood tests. With a sigh, she closed the folder.

"The good news is that the damage isn't permanent, at least at this stage. The bad news is that the kidney failure was caused by highly excessive pill usage. We originally had you set at the maximum possible level; did you think you could go even further without consequences? Just the number of pain killers alone you're taking are enough to kill you, add in the anti-convulsion meds, the blood thickeners, and everything else, and it's a miracle you're still alive."

"Right, so I should just get on my knees and thank God that I'm not dead yet, I should just be grateful that I get to keep living each day with never-ending agony and mind-tearing seizures," I muttered, keeping my face downcast with my hood over my eyes.

My parents looked at each other in both nervousness and fear, wishing that there were something they could do.

"I'm afraid that you're going to have to start cutting down on your medication if you don't want to continue urinating blood. You may even have to give up cold turkey until your immunity wears off so that when you resume taking them, they'll be affective once again. If you keep going at those pills the way you have been, your kidneys will become completely unusable and you'll need a transplant, and considering your disease and your drug habits beyond pills, no transplant committee will let you so much as look at a healthy donor."

"Beyond pills? Marcus, what is she talking about?" my mom asked desperately.

"Last week... I tried heroine. It was just once and it didn't work as well as I had hoped. I certainly don't feel any cravings for it."

"Marcus, are you crazy?! After everything you've been told about drugs and after all the times we've warned you about their dangers, you would resort to using heroine?" my dad exclaimed, more upset and desperate than angry at me.

"Well it's not like my life can get any worse!" I yelled before getting up and storming out of the office.

In the weeks that passed, my parents tried to limit the amount of pills I took, but it was just as difficult for them as it was for me, because just by looking at me, they could tell how badly I needed them. As expected, my pain increased, as well as the intensity and frequency of my seizures. I stopped sleeping, unable to ever calm myself down enough to relax. As January moved onto February, I finally gave in and quit taking my meds, allowing my body to work the chemicals out of my system and lose its developed immunity.

I spent that hellish week at home in bed, howling at the top of my lungs while the seconds ticked by with sadistic slowness. Without anything to even muffle the full stimulation of all my pain receptors, my body was essentially ripping itself apart from the inside out. I couldn't even tell when I was having a seizure or not, it just all felt the same. Every second, I felt like my flesh was being shredded away by flaming chainsaws while twin lobotomies were performed on my brain with jagged icicles.

My parents had to stay home from work to take care of me, as I could not go to the bathroom or feed myself. They could do nothing but sit by my bed and listen to me scream, always trying to think of a way to help me. They tried to endure it, unable to ask my little brother or older sister to look after me without feeling any more guilt than they already were. For days, my sense of time blurred. I was unable to tell night from day, hot from cold, or dream from reality. When I was awake, I often hallucinated, and the only times I ever slept were when I finally managed to pass out from pain or exhaustion, and even then, it never lasted longer than an hour.

Lying in bed, in the throws of a seizure, I felt a deep thud in my chest, as if my heart had just slammed against my ribcage. My sweat became clammy and I began to lose my control over my limbs. Barely able to breathe from the pain already surging through me, I felt a second powerful thud in my chest. I could sense my pulse, hear it pounding in my ears, and feel the loss of rhythm. My heart was struggling to continue beating, unable to bear the strain any longer. Neither of my parents was in the room and I couldn't call them, my lungs refusing to work.

'Is this it? Will I finally die?'

My heart at last stopped, but instead of closing my eyes, I continued to stare upwards, watching as the ceiling of my bedroom vanished to reveal the eye of God, spinning overhead. My bed disappeared beneath me, my room following suit to reveal the vastness of space. I was so close to the celestial nexus that I could almost see the individual tongues of flame in the typhoon surrounding the black hole pupil. The star occupied the entire horizon, as if slicing reality in half so that one side was the dark cosmos and the other side was the sea of nuclear fire. I was about a kilometer from the surface of the black hole, which had shrunk down to the size of a ten-story building.

'So close... I'm so close...' I thought, desperately reaching out to be accepted into desired oblivion.

The clothes I had been wearing were vaporized from my body, signaling my last ties to the real world being severed. But answering my silent call, the girl from my hallucinations appeared, flying out of the black hole towards me, arms outstretched, tears in her eyes. She slowed as she reached me, coming to a stop before gently embracing me and holding me close with our unclothed bodies pressed together.

"Marcus, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I know how much you're suffering, I know how much pain you are in," she whimpered, crying with her face buried in the side of my neck.

She then looked up at me, her blue eyes trembling. "But it is not your time to die yet, just a little longer. Please, darling, hold on just a little longer, for me."

I tried to say her name, but once again, only the indecipherable noise was heard. In reply, the girl smiled and wiped away her tears. Wrapping her arms around my neck, she leaned forward and kissed me. "I love you, Marcus. With all my heart, I love you. This is the most selfish thing I will ever ask of you, but please, live on! Please, you must wait just a little longer! Go home, Marcus, it is time for you to go home. You still have to name me, remember?"

She then separated from me, pushing me away. The moment her hands touched my chest, a single powerful heartbeat rocked me to my core, causing cracks of light to flash across my vision as if reality itself was fracturing. I reached out to her, trying to call her name while a second beat of my heart sent more cracks through the fabric of space.

The girl floated back towards the eye of God, tears rolling down her cheeks but a smile on her face. "I love you," she murmured.

A third beat of my heart broke the cosmic vision and I woke up, back in my bed with my arm raised, still trying to make contact with the angel. My heart had resumed beating, albeit slowly. While it surely would not last, my pain had all but disappeared. Just as she had, I too began to cry, letting my arm drop and cover my face.

"I love you too."

Eventually, I was able to resume taking my medication, and it was hard for me not to swallow every pill I could get my hands on. I'll admit, they certainly took the edge off, but I had already made up my mind. I was done. I didn't know why the girl wanted me to wait, but I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't handle living any longer.

It was February vacation and a winter storm was howling outside. The blizzard had been going for almost three days and power had quickly been lost. The house was dark, the only light coming from the eerie gray aura passing through the windows. My family had gone to a friend's house to enjoy their electricity and running water, while I had chosen to stay home. I wanted to be alone for this. I sat at my desk in my room with a glass of water and a pile of pills next to me. They were sleeping pills, painkillers, and everything else I had. I was slowly writing a suicide note, trying to use my best penmanship. I included the instructions for my funeral and how I wanted to be buried. I finally put down the pen. My hands were almost always trembling, but now they were finally steady.

"Goodbye pain," I said before I took a handful of pills and swallowed them, followed by the remainders.

I then moved over to my bed and lied down, staring at the ceiling and contemplated my life while I waited for death to come. It really had been a worthless life. Maybe I would finally learn what relief was in dying, but considering my luck, I would probably just end up vomiting the pills and surviving. In time, I could feel my body becoming heavier, my pain dulling, and my mind slowing down. I was almost there, so close. Closing my eyes, I whispered one final goodbye and apology.

I was hovering in front of the black hole, still eating the star from the inside out. The black hole itself was now only about the size of a toolshed. The whole mass looked less like an eye now and more like gargantuan maelstrom, with a holographic black orb in the center, hiding the true heart of the quantum singularity. I was a hundred feet away from the surface of the black hole and the girl from my dreams was hovering in front of me. The two of us were naked, and while she was smiling, her smile was sad and there were tears running down her face.

"So, you couldn't wait. I hold nothing against you for it; it's unimaginable that anyone could even last half as long as you did. I'm so proud of you, Marcus. Your will is unparalleled."

"What's going on?" I asked as she and I were pulled closer and closer to the star-eating black hole.

"We are moving onwards into eternity. It's a shame, it was my dream for us to live our lives happily and together, but as long as we have each other in this eternal realm, I have no complaints."

"Wait, what do you mean?"

I reached out and tried to grab her hand, even though she was well out of reach.

"I wanted to live my life with you, to exist solely for you, and to die with you. I wanted to see the world before coming here, to see everything before returning to nothing. It's pointless now, you made your choice, one that I fully understand and love you for. Come to me, Marcus, and let us return to the Source together. Let us become one within the end of all reason."

I began shouting her name, but as always, I heard nothing but that indescribable noise. I had not been able to find out her true name, so this moniker was all I could use. I cursed as the girl slowly made contact with the surface of the black hole, resting upon it like she was sunbathing on a boulder. After only a second, I was forced to watch in horror as she slowly began to be absorbed into it, sinking beneath its surface like it was made of tar. I followed soon after, desperately trying to bring myself to a stop but unable to fight the gravitational pull. I collided with the black screen, feeling no pain in the impact even with it being quite solid. I tried to push myself off, to fight gravity, but with the slightest exertion, the surface beneath my hands gave way and I began to be sucked in. Simply acting on instinct, I took a deep breath before my head was pulled in. The girl was in front of me, just out of reach, hovering in a vast spinning torrent of bright violet light, a vortex leading onwards into infinity.

As my lower body was slowly absorbed into black hole with me, the girl looked me and smiled. "Your dream was to live happily with the one you loved, so that too became my dream. Your wish was to find your soul mate and be happy for the rest of your life, so I sought to grant you that wish. Do not be afraid, we can still be together forever."

My eyes widened and I fearfully gasped as her body slowly began to dematerialize, breaking up cell by cell. Looking down, I realized that I too was falling apart, my flesh and blood literally being shed from my physical form, but without any pain or sensation.

"If I had waited, what would you have been?" I shouted desperately as I finally entered the vortex fully.

With her legs and much of her torso gone, she opened her eyes and smiled at me. "Whatever you wanted me to be."

From her words, a blinding epiphany flashed in my mind, I now understood, and I had regained something I thought I had lost. I reached out to her while the flesh painlessly melted off my fingers. "Tell me, what was your wish?!"

"To live and be happy with you," she murmured, as the top of her head and her left arm began to disappear.

"That was my wish too, so I'm going to grant it! I want to live my life and be happy, and I refuse to do either of them without you! I change my mind, I want to live, and I want to live my life with you!"

I then called out her name, her true name, finally able to hear it. At the sound, the girl's one remaining eye bolted open, and the twisting vortex of violet light began to churn violently. I shouted her name again and reached out with everything I had and grasped what was left of her hand with what was left of my own. As soon as she and I touched, our bodies were fully reformed.

"Marcus," she gasped.

I said her name in return, making her smile warmly and blush.

Holding onto her tightly, I looked back at the surface of the black hole. It was so close and yet so far, like fresh air to a drowning man. Pulling the girl with me, I reached up with all the strength in my body and soul, not caring if my muscles tore and my bones snapped in the process. Just as I thought I was about to fail, my fingers broke through the surface and I grabbed on, feeling the exterior become hard beneath my grip. Roaring in desperation, I pulled the two of us back up and the dark hole released us with a geyser of violet energy shooting out like a volcanic eruption. The girl and I were thrown out into the cosmos, clutching each other for dear life.

"So can we live our lives together and be happy?" she murmured with her face buried in the side of my neck.

I smiled and held her close. "Yes, we can live and be happy. We'll be together always, Angel, my Angel."

My eyes opened and I immediately turned my head and threw up, emptying the contents of my stomach onto my bedroom floor. The majority of the pills were still intact, letting me survive by the skin of my teeth, but enough had been absorbed and dissolved into my bloodstream to leave me feeling sick and dizzy. Gasping for air and shaking more than ever in my life, I spat out the last of the vomit and wiped my face. I had tried to kill myself and lived, but that dream, had I really chosen to live or did I just throw up as a natural reflex?

As I lied back and stared up at the ceiling, I realized that I was not the only one in that bed. Looking over, my eyes widened as they fell upon the unconscious Angel. She was right beside me, covered in blood and some sort of other liquid, but... she was there. I knew that this was different than all of the other times I had woken up next to her. The way she was weighing down on the mattress, the way the blood on her skin was staining my sheets, just the way she looked... she was real, she was completely real. This wasn't a hallucination.

My initial shock was replaced by fear, realizing as if for the first time that she was covered in blood. I reached out and pressed my fingers against Angel's neck, checking her pulse and finding a strong and steady heartbeat. Moving as quickly as my chemically-shocked body would allow, I dashed out of my room and over to the bathroom, grabbing all the towels I could and coming back. Climbing back onto the bed, I rubbed her down with the towels and wiped away the blood and the other mysterious fluid that covered her. I looked desperately for any cuts or signs of injury, but I found nothing. She was completely unharmed.

After again checking her pulse, I stopped and just stared at her, completely memorized. Angel, the light of my life and the girl of my dreams was literally right here in front of me. How had this happened? How could a human being just suddenly materialize out of thin air? My questions were interrupted by the noticing of a foul odor in the room. Oh yeah... I had vomited on the floor.

I smiled and looked down at Angel, gently pulling the blanket over her naked form. Real or not, I couldn't let her wake up to such a mess. While I waited for her to gain consciousness, I cleaned up the vomit and sprayed the stained carpet with every chemical I could get my hands on to remove the smell. The rustling of blankets could be heard as I was returning from dumping the towels in the laundry room. She was starting to awaken. More nervous than ever in my life, I sat down on the bed and wrapped my hands around hers. Her eyelids slowly rose, showing her two beautiful blues.

"Hey," I said softly with a small smile.

She gave a small hum and a look of peace, as if waking up from a much-needed sleep. "Hi."

A flutter ran through me at the sound of her voice.

"Do you remember anything?"

She closed her eyes and was silent for several moments and a look of worry crossed her face. "I don't know."

After everything I had seen, this did surprise me a little. Ok, so the situation was 99% perfect...

"Are you sure?"

She was silent for a few more moments. "Wait, I remember... my name. My name is Angel, I think."

I smiled at her realization. She was real.

"Who are you? Where am I?"

"My name is Marcus, and don't worry, you're safe. You're in my home. I found you outside, crying for help."

What was I supposed to tell her, that she had somehow materialized out of thin air because I dreamt her up?

"Now, how do you feel? You don't look hurt."

"I feel fine, just tired. Thank you for saving me. I can tell that you are truly kind just by touching you."

With a sugary sweet smile on her lips, she clutched my hands tightly. I could feel my face becoming red in embarrassment. Holy shit, she really was an angel.