I Hate You

I noticed Justin's smile was gone again when I was trying to pick out something to wear for an audition for Romeo & Juliet. His eyes seemed to almost push at me. "Why do you do that?"

I had no idea what he was talking about. "Do what?"

He grunted. "Wander around nude all the time." He rolled over and went back to reading his textbook.

I suddenly felt self-conscious. I mean, I didn't care if he wanted to look at me or not but I didn't think I was exactly unpleasant to look at. Hell, I liked what I looked like when I looked in the mirror. Tall, black hair, strong jaw, lean body, wide shoulders, I was put together pretty well. I didn't exactly spend time ogling myself, but an actor should know what his physical appearance lends to for parts.

I looked down. Yeah, I was naked. I'm a thespian; we have to change in all conditions back stage; at a certain point you just stop worrying about it. "I didn't know it bothered you."

He made a dismissive sound. "Did I say it bothered me? I was just curious."

"Never thought about it, really, you rather I keep the towel on?"

Justin shut his book and jerked off the bed in a huff. "Why the fuck should I care what you wear, Bryan?" He grabbed his textbook and board. "I'm gonna hit the library."

He brushed past me and left before I could get a word out. Something was wrong. I just wish I knew what it was. I didn't have time to run it down. I had auditions to get to.

I was so stoked. I'd been cast as Romeo for the Shakespeare performance during "theater week". What was even better was that Tina was cast as Juliet. We were perfectly matched for the parts. Tina was one of the best actresses in Campus Theater. I couldn't think of someone else I'd rather be working with on the performances. We had a month to get our parts perfect, and like the consummate professionals we were, we dove in feet first.

I had to tell Justin. We got back to the room after we received the rehearsal schedule and I couldn't contain myself. Justin looked up, his face a mixture of bewilderment and annoyance as I drug Tina in with me. "Justin, I got the part!"

For a brief moment, that puppy dog smile curled his lips. "Which one, you only rehearsed a half dozen?"

"Romeo!" I stepped back and gestured to Tina. "This is Tina; she's Juliet."

His smile tightened and he looked her over, assessing. "You'll make a great pair."

"We're going to have to rehearse a lot; we've only got a month." I couldn't wait to get going.

Apparently, neither could Justin. He just nodded and tucked his laptop into his backpack. "I've got some research. You guys can use the room."

I hadn't wanted to banish him from the room. I'd wanted to share my happiness with my best friend. That kind of killed the fun. "Ok." He was almost out the door before I asked, "See you at dinner?"

He paused. "Yeah, sure, I've got to eat anyway. Thanks."

I just didn't get it, so I cornered him at dinner. "Ok, Justin, what gives? Last semester you didn't mind when I rehearsed in the room."

He frowned at me. "Well, last semester I wasn't taking twenty one credits."

I shrugged. "Granted, but that hurt when you just walked out like that. I thought you'd be happy for me."

Stabbing at his mashies he sighed. "I am. But look at it from my point of view; Romeo & Juliet is a romance."

"So?" I couldn’t see how that would affect anything.

His eyes were sad when he looked back up at me. "It'd feel like I'm the third guy on a date, Bryan. I know it's just a play but you guys are going to be declaring your love and kissing and stuff." He shrugged and looked at his plate again. "It'd be too distracting."

"It's not like I'm dating Tina or anything, Just. It's just acting."

He shrugged. "I know. Let's drop it, ok?"

I sighed. "Ok."

Either I was over at Tina's room or she was over in ours every day. I should have seen something was really wrong. Last semester Justin had enjoyed when I rehearsed with others in the room, but from the first day he kept ducking out when we used the dorm room. I honestly thought it was that he needed to study for finals and didn't need the distractions. Exams were only a couple weeks after "theater week" and he was taking the course load from hell. I thought that was all it was.

Justin had ducked out to hit the library, as usual, just after Tina arrived. We went over the scenes again, fine tuning our tone and inflection and trying to be two people in love. Maybe we did that too well. I don't actually remember which one of us didn't stop the kiss, but it had kept going and going. It didn't stop for longer than a few moments when we were stripping out of our clothes. Sure, our lips were a lot of places other than our mouths, but I think it was just one long, ecstatic kiss from the point we stopped talking to the point Tina was under me, crying out from her second orgasm, as Justin walked in.

The look on his face was indescribable; if you mixed horror, heartbreak and betrayal together you might get close. I was scrambling off the bed, stammering, while Tina was trying to cover herself. Justin just glared at me with that look and finally blew. He didn't actually say anything in English; it was more like some primal sound of pain. It made me feel like I'd betrayed him.

"Justin, wait!" I grabbed his arm as he tried to get out the door. The look of raw pain in his eyes caused me to flinch back.

That's when he said it and left. It felt like my life was over.

*****

I was still sitting on the bed, staring at the floor and trying to understand why I hurt so much when Justin came back in. It was after 1am. He looked like he'd been sick, or crying, or both.

He didn't say anything. He just pulled out a bag from under his bed and started putting some clothes in it. I stared at him in stricken disbelief. "What are you doing?"

He shrugged. "Jeff said I could room with him till the end of the semester."

That hurt worse than when he walked out five hours before. The first time had a good dose of shock in it to numb the pain. The idea that he would just walk away from our friendship was like a slow, burning acid that seemed to eat its way from my heart to my gut. "Why?" I think it was the fact I had to choke it out that made him look at me. "I thought we were friends."

He was crying again. "I guess that's all we were, Brian. It's not your fault I thought it was more."

I blinked at him. All the times he'd looked at me and smiled at me came flashing back. The puppy-dog smiles, the private jokes, the times we'd just sit and talk till all hours, they all looked different when viewed at from that point of view. The first time he saw me shirtless over the summer, the times I came out of the shower without worrying about a towel, all those shy, flustered looks suddenly had new meaning. The most surprising thing was I'd been playing along. Me, Mr. "thanks but I'm not interested", had been flirting right along with him. God, I was such a fucking dick.

He had turned back to his bed during my revelations and had finished stuffing what he'd need into his bag. I looked at his back and had to ask, "Do you really hate me?"

Justin looked at me again; it was as if I'd slapped him. He didn't say anything, but I could see his answer in his eyes. His eyes didn't leave mine as I stood up and crossed the gap between our beds. He was trembling as I bracketed his face with my hands. Fuck Romeo and Juliet, the volumes being spoken by the way he trembled said more than a thousand flowery diatribes about love. I bent down and kissed him.

He whimpered as I pulled back, and looked at me like I'd just punched him. "Bryan…" I put my finger to his lips. I didn't want any words. I didn't want to talk myself into or out of this. I'd spent so much time focusing on words and speeches and dialogue that I'd missed all the rest of what was being said. I wanted to listen to the rest of the conversation; I wanted to feel what we were saying with our bodies all the way to my soul.

I kissed him again and he responded. His hands, gripping my hair, were gaspingI've wanted this for so long. My hands, sliding down to find the hem of his shirt, moanedLet's not wait any more.

The shirt, however, saidYou're such a fucking klutz. It nearly strangled him and caught on his glasses before I got it over his head.

His cheeks were flushed with excitement and more than a little embarrassment as he settled those ugly-shit frames back on his nose. Slowly pulling the specs off, I set them on the desk and studied his face. My fingers traced under his eyes, brushing away the tears and whispered though their awe filled touch,You have such beautiful eyes.

His lips sought mine out, beggingPlease, tell me you meant it. I think the chill that ran down my spine and the moan that escaped my lips said enough.

He didn't say anything; Justin was as hooked as I was. To anyone listening you'd have thought we were "trying to stay quiet," but we weren't, we were communicating on so many levels that words would have ruined it.

Can I? His eyes were searching mine as he brought his hands to my chest. I nodded and closed my eyes as Justin's lips began searing my skin with tentative but hopeful kisses. It was all I could do to keep standing as he got to my abs. I was achingly rigid and his tongue kept brushing my tip as he tasted my navel.

Then he licked me. The only part of me that didn't scream was my voice. My fingers were digging into his shoulders as he lathed around my head like it was an ice cream cone in danger of melting. He was killing me. After only a minute I had to drag him back up. He looked disappointed, but when he saw the sweat and tremors his lips curled into a smile that saidOh, you liked it.

I pressed the smartass little bastard back on the bed and fought with his jeans. The desperation in my fingers snarledJust wait till I get you back! I yanked off his jeans and briefs in one motion and stopped. He was so pretty; ok, pretty wasn't the right word because there really wasn't anything effeminate about his features. That's the problem with trying to find words, sometimes there simply aren't ones that work.

My body stretched out over his and I just lay there, trembling, as every place we were connected sighed,Yes.

He began kissing my neck again; his hands wandering as his lips asked,Is this ok? My fingers smoothed away his concerns as I marveled in the silkiness of his hair. His hands made it to my ass and elicited a moan as they squeezed. My hips were panting,God, yeah, as we ground against each other. I shuddered as his fingers brushed between my cheeks and touched me. It wasn't unwelcome but I wasn't ready.

Sorry, was what his hands whispered as he started pulling back.

I clenched my cheeks and held his fingers there. The reassuring pressure promised,Next time.

That had him looking at me. His eyes were so full of emotion that I couldn't understand it all. I just nodded and let my lips pressing against his say the rest.Yeah, there will be a next time.

He suddenly gripped me and he couldn't hold back the startled cry as he flooded our bellies with his release. Biting my shoulder he rode through the shock of it. His teeth hissed,Oh fuck, oh god, oh…

That did me in. Just the idea that I could do that to someone without saying a word threw me over the edge. I clenched my eyes shut and exhaled my own strangled surprise as I joined him. When we both stopped shaking, I sank down against him and nuzzled his neck. Justin's fingers played sleepily in my hair, saying,I don't want this to end.

Rolling over on my side I pulled Justin to me and spooned against his back. As my arms held Just, the soft tremble that passed through him sank into my heart. With my cheek resting against his hair, I looked at the wrecked sheets of my empty bed. I had no intention of going back to it. My nose brushed his ear, asking,Forgiven?

His contented sigh and rapid descent into sleep was all the answer I needed. Body language, who knew?

*****

The applause was deafening as Tina and I took our second bows. As the curtain fell for the last time, Tina hugged me and kissed my cheek before practically dancing toward the dressing rooms. We had a new understanding after that night of release. It was more honest, more real, and I was sure it would be a friendship to last a lifetime.

Justin smiled at me, his eyes moist, as I came off stage. The curl of his lips and the tense excitement in the way he stood said,That was awesome. I didn't need to ask. Everything he did spoke volumes on how he felt about the performance; but we had our game, and I enjoyed it. "What'd you think?"

I looked into his eyes and couldn't help catching my breath. Without his glasses, he really did have the most beautiful eyes. His lips curled into the most mischievous smirk I'd ever seen. "I hated you in that scene."

I snaked my arm around him and his body did that tremble that will always make my stomach do flip-flops. I nuzzled his neck and hoped everyone was watching. They knew me as Mr. "thanks, not interested", but the way our bodies fit so effortlessly together affirmed,Thanks, I'm taken. I kissed my way back up to his lips before smiling into Justin's misty eyes. "Yeah, I know; I hate you too."