I Missed Myself

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“Is that how you came up with Angela?”

“No, I chose Angela because I came back as an angel.”

I reached over the table and held her hand. “You are an angel. For what you did for me that night, and for what you did for me today.”

“Your new life is just beginning. After lunch, the next best thing is shopping.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready for that?”

“Today we’ll just concentrate on essentials. Like shoes.” She motioned for our waiter to bring the check, and reached into her purse for her wallet.

“Let me pay for this,” I said, realizing as I said it that I had no money with me.

“That’s okay, my treat. Besides, you’ve got to get used to other people picking up the check. One of the many advantages of being a woman.”

She showed me how to fix my lipstick in my compact mirror, and then we were back out on the sidewalk. She stopped at the window of a smart shoe store on Michigan Avenue and started to point out some styles to me.

“You weren’t kidding,” I said.

“Jennifer, we have to get you some shoes that you can wear without stockings. You’re lucky it’s not too hot out today.” I looked longingly at her bare legs and midriff, and wondered if I would ever have the confidence to go outside like that. Then I looked at my reflection in the plate glass window. Here I was, standing on Michigan Avenue in a dress and high heels, wondering whether I could wear a belly shirt. She caught my smile and gave me a hug. “I think you like this,” she said.

Before I could answer, she went inside. She asked to see a pair of black low heeled pumps, one size larger than the ones I was wearing. When the salesman returned with them, she pretended to try them on, and then said, “They’re too big for me, Jen, but I’ll bet they’d be perfect on you. Go ahead and try them on.”

I sat down nervously and pulled my dress down over my knees as the salesman, a young man with long hair and an earring, slid one of my shoes off and slipped Angela’s selection on my foot. It fit perfectly. He put the other shoe on me, and I minced around the store, practicing little turns before I returned to my seat. “How are they, Ma’am?” he asked me.

I nodded and smiled, and he took them off and boxed them up for me. Ma’am. I had just been called Ma’am. I looked over at Angela, who had a huge grin on her face. She paid for my shoes, and we went back out onto Michigan Avenue, laughing as we walked along. We spent the next few hours poking into shops, spending the most time at a large drugstore where Angela helped me select a complete assortment of cosmetics, sponges, brushes, and hair accessories. Finally, laden down with packages, we headed back to my apartment, and this time I strode up to the elevator with confidence and smiled at the people inside as we rode up to my floor.

After we went inside, I kicked off my heels and collapsed onto the couch. She sat down next to me and started to rub my sore toes through my nylons. The sweet feeling between my legs was turning into an ache of desire. “Did you enjoy being a girl today?” she asked.

“More than anything I’ve done in a long time. You know, it’s funny, but I’m almost glad this happened to me.”

“Almost?” She took my face in her hands, and kissed me on the lips. I responded instinctively, and the next thing I knew she was reaching up my dress and pulling down my hose and panties. My aching penis throbbed as she took it into her mouth, and she caressed my empty ball sack as she sucked on me. When I was a man, a blow job never failed to get me off almost instantly, but now I rocked back and forth as the feeling of pure ecstasy went on and on. Suddenly, I felt the old familiar spasms, and I cried out as I ejaculated weakly into her mouth. My penis went limp before I was done, and a wave of revulsion swept over me as I fell back onto the couch.

“What’s wrong?” she whispered.

I was crying as I tried to explain. “I hate this! I’m a guy, not a girl. I want my old life back.”

“Yes! Thank you, God,” she said as she fell down onto my chest.

“What did you say?” I asked her as I fought back my tears.

“Sit up, Jonathan, I’ll tell you what just happened.” She waited while I adjusted my panties and stockings, then she pulled off my scrunchie and began stroking my hair as I stifled my sobs. “I spent a lot of time with shrinks and doctors before I had my operation. There are two ways a guy in your situation can react to what you just went through. If he is a transsexual, like I am, he wants nothing more than to stay a woman forever. But if he’s a normal guy, or sometimes even a transvestite, once he has an orgasm, he feels ashamed of himself. Sorry, Jonathan, but you’re not girl material.”

There were so many things I did not understand. “How was I able to get off?”

“Your body still has a residual amount of testosterone in it, just like a transsexual on hormone therapy. You’ve seen those porno videos featuring chicks with dicks getting off.”

The thought did not appeal to me. “Why did it take me so long to come?”

“Because you’ve been emasculated, silly!” She could see that this cut me to the quick, and she took my hand. “I’m sorry, Jonathan, but don’t you realize what this means? You haven’t lost your mojo! You had your balls cut off, and you were still able to have sex, great sex. Once you start taking testosterone shots, you’re going to be a stallion.”

“How about what you said?”

“What do you mean?”

“You said ‘Yes, thank you God.’ What did you mean by that?”

“Guys really are dense sometimes,” she sighed. “I love you as a man, can’t you tell that? I may be a lot of things, but one thing I’m not is a lesbian.”

“Then why make me go through with this charade?” I asked, pointing at my dress with a manicured finger.

“I took a calculated risk. I knew that you would never want me once you found out I used to be a guy, unless you had a taste of what I went through. So I took a chance. Did my girlish deception succeed?”

This time I took her face in my hands, and when I kissed her, the old familiar feeling came back once more. Slowly, lovingly, we undressed each other, and when I took her, it was as a man, face to face, her beautiful breasts against my smooth chest, her long legs wrapped around my back. Like before, my erection seemed to last for an eternity, and when I finally came, it was a whisper of things to come.

From the author of The Jessica Project.

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