I Sing

When I was born was always a mystery to me. My Pa never talked of my mother and so all I remember is being. He told me I looked like her when he was drunk but gave no hint how. My two little sisters, big brother, my Pa and I took care of the farm up in the Mountains of Kentucky. Pa and Sam worked the fields. I worked the house, raised the twins. Terry and Merry were my first loves. So little and frail, they mewed like kittens when I first remember them. Golden hair, blue eyes peeked above the blankets I swaddled them in. Blankets I had made from a tablecloth, the largest piece of cloth I could find that Pa would let me use. He said my efforts to keep them alive were a waste even beat me for it. He said I was slacking on the house and he wouldn't stand for it.

So I kept them in the kindling box behind the stove. They stayed warm there and quiet unless they were hungry which was all to often. When they cried and Pa was in the house I had to take them to the barn. I made the bottles from some tightly woven material I found in the attic. The bottles leaked a little until I covered the outside with bees wax. I fed them what milk Pa and Sam didn't drink from our old cow and let them suck the meat from my plate when milk wasn't enough and when we had meat. When we didn't I made a liquid from mashed beans and water. They drank it if they were hungry enough. There was always something I forgot to take care of around the house. A shelf not dusted, a corner upswept and so every night I was beat with Pa's belt. Sam started beating me when Pa was too tired. He had to do it or Pa would beat him sometimes Sam enjoyed it, I think.

I tried to make the house pretty. One day I made curtains from a dress I found in an old box. Pa came home. He took one look at the curtains and tore them down from the window. Shoved them into my mouth and down my throat till I thought I would die, but then he showed me what dieing was. He tied me to his bed, spread my legs and forced his thing in me. I tried to scream, and cry and fight all at the same time but it did no good, just like when he beat me. I was bad. I had to pay. Sam came in and he took seconds. After, they beat me with the belt again. I still don't know what I did wrong that day but the curtains were burned. That's the only time I saw Pa waste anything. The material was still good I could have made dresses for the twins with it or diapers but Pa burned it and that was that. I never made curtains again. Soon after Pa said his ma was ailing and he took me to her house to stay. I never saw the twins again. I heard later he sold them to a passerby, got a good price. He bought a horse soon after so he could ride to his ma's to visit me and to town for more whiskey. I took care of Grandma; she just lay in the bed. I fed her like the twins. I used their old bottles. I dusted the shelves. I cleaned the corners. I even worked the small fields near Grandma's house but Pa and Sam still came almost every night to beat me and do the other thing.

One day I notice my belly beginning to swell. Grandma said I would have twins. I pictured having Merry and Terry again. Saw myself birthing them in my dreams and cried for days. Grandma sang from her bed most everyday. She sang songs like "Sweet Chariot", and "The Little Church on the Hill". She sang " I Sing" a lot, it was her favorite. I worked the house as she sang weakly in her bed. It was like if she sang until she died she would go to heaven. She sang about being free, which I took as meaning going to heaven. She couldn't read but had a Bible that rested by her bed. It lay on the stand, proudly; on top of some lace she had made herself when she was well. The Bibles edges were worn, its pages frail as the twins. Inside she told me were fantastic stories about God and his son. I pictured them as Pa and Sam. She remembered some of the stories and would tell them to me as I worked and as my belly got bigger. One night Pa came late. He was drunk and beat me terribly that night. He said I had been with a boy down the road. I had never met the boy, just Pa and Sam.

After I lost the twins and buried them up on the hill by the big tree. I imagined it was a church and I sang, " I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free…" for the first time myself. I imagined the twins with wings rising up from their little graves and flying up to join Ma in heaven. A couple of days later Grandma died and I buried her myself up on the hill too. I imagined her with my twins and Ma in heaven. I sang all the songs I could remember. Sang all the time I was digging, crying and dragging her body up the hill.

I sang the whole time while I cleaned the house and I sang as I cleaned the shotgun I found in the attic. I loaded the shotgun with powder and shot that lay beside it in the box I had found under the cloth I had wrapped Grandma in for burying. It was lace like the lace under the Bible, I imagined Grandma making the big tablecloth like she had told me she had made the little piece that the Bible laid on. After that I sat in the corner by the stove and I sang as I waited. It was dark before I heard Pa coming. I heard him get off the horse and I heard him walk up to the door but I never heard the shotgun fire. All I heard was my voice as I sang, " I sing because I am happy, I sing because I am free…" but it wasn't Pa it was Sam. I buried him on top of the hill too but on the other side of the tree. The shotgun resting by the tree already reloaded. Pa came later and I shot him too. Buried him beside Sam all the while singing, " I sing because I am happy, I sing because I am free…" I imagined Sam and Pa going somewhere other than heaven; I wouldn't let them hurt anyone again.

I went back to what had been Grandma's house and cleaned until everything shined. I went back to Pa's house and it was a wreck. It looked like it hadn't been cleaned since Pa had taken me to Grandma's. It took all night and most the next day but I cleaned and I sang until it shined too.

I was working the fields when the sheriff came. He took me to town and put me in jail. I just kept singing. At the trial, the judge took offense when I sang so I was quiet. I was quiet when he read I would be in jail for the rest of my life. I was quiet when they striped me. I was quiet when the jailor ran her hands over my scarred body then handed me the best clothes I ever had worn. White pants and a shirt to match. I worked quietly in the jail until what ever they told me to do was done, then the next job and at night I imagined myself up on the hill with the rest of my family. Resting under the ground besides Pa and Sam because the judge had said I would never go to heaven being a murderer as I was.

One day we got a new jailor, Miss Cindy took a dislike for me. I never knew why. I worked as hard as ever but it was never enough. She would have the men jailors beat me, and have their way with me as she watched. When that didn't make me cry anymore she came up with other ways. Miss Cindy took an electric cord and cut off the insulation and would touch me with the bare ends with the other plugged in the wall. The men jailors held me or tied me and watched until she said it was their turn.

I don't know why but I never had any more babies. One day as I worked in the laundry getting everything as white as I could, Miss Cindy and her men came and took me down stairs. They put me in a big pipe that was partially full of bodies and liquid and said they would leave me there till I died. They said I had killed the twins Merry and Terry, my twins, Grandma, Sam and Pa. I imagined I was on top of the big hill under the tree besides Pa and Sam. They came back and took me to my cell. I curled up on my bed and I still imagined I was on the hill besides Pa and Sam. Miss Cindy would come and have her men beat me, but I wouldn't cry, or move. They did their best but I just imagined I was already on top of the hill beside Pa and Sam so there was nothing they could do to hurt me any more.

Miss Cindy said I was faking it to get out of work so she had them put a camera in my cell to catch me move. I never did. The beatings stopped too. I just kept imaging myself on the hill, in the hill. One day it got dark, I heard the other prisoners say the power was out. Miss Cindy came in my cell and started beating me with a belt. I jumped up and I took the belt away from her and I choked her with it. The cell door was open. The other prisoners yelled for me to come let them out but I just curled up on my bed and I sang, " I sing because I am happy, I sing because I am free…" Later the power came back on and when the camera showed Miss Cindy dead on my floor they came and took her body away. They didn't seem to hear me singing. They said I couldn't have killed her. I didn't have the strength so someone else must have come in the cell and did it while the power was out. I sang. I imagined being on top of the hill singing in the sunshine for my twins, Grandma, Sam and Pa.

A few days later they came and took me to another place. It was like prison but said the people there weren't prisoners, just sick in the mind like me. It looked like the prison to me. Including the rooms that were cells just fancier. The doctors came to see me curled up on the bed. They tried to get me to talk about Merry and Terry. They tried to get me to talk about Sam and Pa. They tried to get me to talk about Grandma and the tree on the hill. I sang.

They got me up and made me walk, I sang. They put me to work in the laundry. I worked hard making everything as white as I could and I sang. The doctors told me that Miss Cindy had been my mom. She had run away from Pa and became a jailor. She had known I was her daughter, she had known I had killed Pa. The dress I had made the curtains from had been hers.

One day they came and gave me a dress. I imagined it was like the dress I had made the curtains from and I cried as I put it on. They handed me $50.00 and walked me to the door and I sang. I walked all the way back to the Kentucky Mountains and I walked all the way up to the hill by Grandma's house. I sat under the tree on the side that I had buried Pa and Sam and I sang loud enough for grandma and the twins to hear on the other side. I sang and I sang and I sang. " I sing because I am happy, I sing because I am free..."