I Stop Losing

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she said, pushing by me.

"Well good evening to you too, bitch."

"Melanie is not happy. She feels guilty and conflicted and..."

"She's staying at home."

"She's upset. She's trying to get him out of her system but you keep being an asshole to her."

"An asshole? What an interesting description. And please tell me why, pray tell, her sister is encouraging her to fuck around and telling me to suck it up instead of rooting for her happy marriage?"

She glared hard at me. Then her face softened in a very unconvincing fashion. "Look...we've been through this before. The last couple of times, the relationship didn't end well. There wasn't any..." she searched for the word, "closure. This time, she's trying to work it all out of her system. She doesn't want to leave you! I've been talking to her and she's hysterical at the idea! But she needs...room. She needs to put her demons to bed."

"The only thing going to bed is her with that asshole." I opened the door. "And you've taken sides and you aren't on mine. Don't call me any more with your 'suggestions'. Don't come over here anymore unless your sister invites you. Don't worry, if she does, I'll make myself scarce."

Her face twisted into more anger "You are making a big mistake! She'll leave you over this!"

"The only mistake I made was letting you talk me into this in the first place."

"Do you know what she's doing right now?" she said spitefully.

"Maybe. And the only thing sadder then that fact is the satisfaction you are getting that it's happening. Isn't that odd?" She left in a huff.

Melanie got home a half hour after Beth left. I watched her with her bags of stuff. "Have fun dear?" I asked.

"Yeah. The store was a madhouse."

"And how was Tanner's?"

Silence. "I swung by...but only for a half an hour."

I just grunted. We were back to the lying by omission again. I didn't believe her, but she was still being honest to direct questions.

"I've been a good wife all week. I was thinking..."

"Yes?"

"I was going to go to Tanner's Friday night."

"That's an interesting definition."

"Of what?"

"Never mind. You want to go out Friday? Another overnight?"

"I'm not sure. I just wanted to...I don't know. Take the edge off."

"Take the edge off. Well, we can't get in the way of that." I said with as little sarcasm as I could muster. "Okay, I'll get my own, dinner and watch a movie or something."

She gave me a sharp look. "You aren't going to call any of our friends, are you?"

"Nope."

***

Friday evening came around. She seemed merrier then I'd seen her for the last week. Don't get me wrong. When we were doing things together, she seemed happy enough. But there was a little extra pep in her step. A Lightness of Being that seared my soul like a laser.

True to her word, she cooked herself a light meal, offering to cook for me, which I declined. I offered to do the dishes later so she could get ready, an offer she readily accepted.

I jumped into the common bathroom and spruced up while she used the master bath.

When she came down the hallway, she looked ravishing. Her hair was done up and teased. She wore a sheer sleeveless top which was low cut and a tight new miniskirt which I hadn't seen yet. Interesting that she was hiding clothes from me. It was a smallish apartment. Stocking graced her succulent legs with some black heels with a little gold metallic bow on the front. She was carrying a bolero jacket for the brisk weather.

I was seething inside. First the fact she was so happy, and second she was expending WAY more effort on this dipshit then she did on any of our outings.

She headed for the door a little before seven and was surprised when I joined her at the door. We headed downstairs for the car park. "Where are you going tonight?" she asked.

"Mitchell's Steakhouse." I said as I swung into the car, putting the key in the ignition.

"That's a very expensive place! We've been spending so much money already." she started to complain to me.

"You're telling me. And it's worse since I'm treating your parents." I shut the door.

I was already rolling backward when an absolutely white Melanie staggered behind my car, holding up her hands as she struggled in her heels and miniskirt to get behind it before I pulled away. I can't describe the look of horror on her face. She quickly ran over to tap on my window. I rolled it down, a bit exasperated.

"You're just joking, right?" she said desperately.

"No. We hadn't seen them in a while and I hate to eat dinner alone. So I invited them out when you made your plans."

"What did you tell them?!?"

"Nothing. I didn't' say you were busy. I didn't even say you'd be there. Do you mind? I'm already late."

"Did you tell them I wouldn't be there?" she almost screamed.

"No. I didn't think it would matter."

"You ASSHOLE!"

"Calm down. The neighbors are watching. Do you want me to tell them why you can't come to eat with them?" Her chest was heaving as she gulped in large breaths. In other circumstances, I'd have been a bit aroused. How far we had fallen.

"You've got to call them! You've got to cancel!"

"No. I don't 'got' to do anything. This goes three ways. I go to dinner with your mom and dad. They are probably close to already there. Second option is you join us. As my wife you're always welcome in my plans. Third off, you can call your mother and cancel yourself."

"But she'll ask questions!" This thought truly terrified her and I had no idea why, though you can be sure that I'd be thinking about it.

"Okay. Come with me."

"I can't go like this! I look like a whore!"

"Yes you do." I said blandly. She shot dagger eyes at me.

Wasting no time, she pulled out her phone and started strutting away from me toward the apartment. "Hi, mom? I'm sorry, but HE is just so late today..." was what I heard as she started to jog up the steps to our place, bouncing as she went. It seems someone forgot her bra...

***

Dinner didn't go too badly. The ride there had been positively glacial. She'd put on one of her interview suits and replaced her make up with something a lot less 'lady of the evening'. It had taken her every minute of the drive over to remake herself.

At one point while we were still being seated, her cell rang and she jumped as if touched with a live wire. She just reached over and silenced it...then turned her cell off. I got a lot of surreptitious glares from her.

It was obvious that her mother caught her tension immediately. She asked after her a half a dozen times. I liked her parents. Wait, let me modify that. Compared to how I felt about their slut of a daughter and her pimp sister, the mild tension of socially interacting with the two people whose daughter you are banging was a piece of cake.

It was funny. Every time the subject changed, and I decided to start or ask a question, Mel got very tense, unsure what I'd be saying. More grist for the mill. It was obvious that unlike their other daughter Beth, they had no idea about what she was doing and she was terrified I'd tell them about it.

Of course, the subject of grandchildren came up. "We're not ready." I said flatly, startling the three of them. While we were still young, I'd been on the baby bandwagon from the beginning.

"What he's saying is that there's some trouble at his job and we want to make sure we're financially secure." Melanie tried to rescue. Of course we heard the old bromides of how no one is every financially ready for children and things just adjusted naturally. I nodded and ordered another bottle of wine.

Hey, at least the steaks were good.

If I thought the drive over was cold, the drive back could liquefy carbon dioxide. "How could you do that to me?" she hissed as soon as we were in the car. "She asked me all kinds of questions in the bathroom!" I nodded. "I told her we were going through some tough times."

"Well at least you didn't have to lie." That pretty much was the end of the conversation there.

When we got home, she ran inside and was out in five minutes with a bag. "I'm going to go and fuck him until his cock falls off!" she snarled at me when she passed me on the steps and she left.

"Please do." I muttered to her back. "Maybe the fucker will bleed out."

***

Ed's place was hopping like normal. I'd been back a couple times when Mel was fucking Tanner, just to touch base, keep him advised and to get some moral support. The atmosphere of the place had grown on me and I wasn't as depressed as I was before. It made a lot of difference knowing someone was in my corner, that I wasn't alone.

Ed put a gin and tonic in front of me which I sipped at delicately before I drank it. He just grinned at me. "How are things on the home front?"

"Her parents don't know. I'm not sure if it's the fact she's cheating on me or the fact that she's cheating on me with Tanner, but she was terrified I was having dinner with them tonight."

He rubbed a glass in a cloth. "So what does that suggest to you?" he asked, watching me closely.

I sighed. "Nothing. If I have to blackmail her into being a good wife, then the marriage is dead already and I might as well have the papers dropped off today." I took a drink. "But isn't that what I'm doing now?"

The bartender frowned a bit. "It seems like it, but there is a difference. You are simply making her aware of the natural consequences if and when this gets out. You aren't threatening to expose her as much as making her uncomfortable inside her own lies."

"She doesn't think I have the guts to expose her and throw her worthless ass out. But she doesn't want this to get out."

Ed winced. "Well...that's something else for you to mull."

I nodded, finished my drink and left.

***

I was surprised as hell to wake up the next morning to the feeling of lips on my cock. The drink must have put me down harder then I thought if she could drag the sheets and blankets off of me without waking me. I checked twice to see if it was actually Mel. Isn't that sad?

And yet it was, her brunette locks hiding the action as her head bobbed up and down. I rather cynically watched her and my mood made her have to work for it. But a blowjob is a blowjob and after rather more effort then she expected, I shot down her throat.

She looked up at me with a smile plastered on her face with a twinge of regret. "I'm sorry what I said yesterday. You just..." I saw a surge of anger leave a wake across the surface of her face, "took be by surprise is all. You keep making this harder then it already is. I want to try to fix things. Make them like they were before." Again with a winsome smile and it broke my heart.

I laid back on my pillow and looked at the ceiling, no longer able to look at her face. "Okay. I wasn't intending on telling them anything, you know."

She crawled up my body, wedging her head in the crook of my neck while her thigh nestled between my legs, rubbing slightly. "Can we fix things? Have we broken things so badly that we can't make it right?"

"Maybe." I paused. It was easier if I didn't look at her. "I had a trip to Memphis planned for this coming weekend. You and me. A nice hotel near Beale Street. Barbeque, live music, a steamboat ride."

"That sounds wonderful...Honey, can we afford it?"

"Probably not."

She tensed for a moment and then nuzzled a little closer. "Okay. Let's do it. When do we leave?"

"I'll drive you in to work Friday morning and pick you up after school."

It was a good day. She made breakfast again and did the pile of laundry. She seemed a lot more attentive of that lately, probably because she'd lost half of her sexy clothes. I'd cancelled her Victoria Secrets card and she hadn't said a word.

Lunch was quiet and I decided to putter around, doing oil changes on our cars, more for something to do. My mind had a lot to consider. She hadn't said a word about Tanner after the revelations of this morning and I didn't want to ask.

After I finished, I took a shower and considered. She hadn't made any promises. Was this about her parents? Was it guilt? Regret? Love?

After I finished, I approached her in the kitchen. She was starting to set up dinner. "How about we just grab a couple of hot dogs at the movie theater?" I offered.

"What?" She looked at me searchingly.

"Why don't we go to the movies? Go on another date. That chick thriller you wanted to see came out last week and we haven't had a chance to go."

She smiled after a brief hesitation. "Okay! It will save me from doing the dishes."

The movie was what you'd expect. There was a ghost and a murder and a poor put upon wife. A movie about revelations and knowing things about people. It was pretty obvious before the second reel started that the husband did it.

It was a revelatory movie for me too. During one scene, the on screen wife went to a cabinet which reflected the room behind her. She opened it and picked up a small box. When she closed it, there was an obviously dead woman reflected in the glass. The director didn't run any mood music to lead up to the shot, so it was a total surprise.

Melanie didn't jump.

I'm sure there were a lot of explanations for that, but I went with the simplest one. I was done clinging to straws.

She approached me in bed that night, and I put her off. "It's a bit early for me yet."

She looked sad. "Let me know when you're ready."

I rolled over and slept well.

***

Memphis was all I could hope it would be. Not exactly a tourist Mecca, but the food was good, Beale Street had a nice pedestrian walkway with bars lining up and down the street, always available for drink and company. The music was phenomenal. It would have been perfect except I'd have liked to have gone with someone.

Friday afternoon, I had carefully loaded up my bags and driven to the airport, quite neglecting to stop by the school first. It might seem petty, but strangely, I didn't care. In the interests of not wasting my money, I turned my cell phone off so I could enjoy the trip without distractions.

Still, by Sunday morning, I felt somewhat guilty so I changed my flight to an earlier one using one of Mel's credit cards to pay the fee. Arriving home, I turned on my cell and noted that I only had six messages.

When I got back to the apartment, I found her filing her nails on the sofa.

She glared at me while I set my bags down inside near the kitchen nook. "How could you do that to me? I had to call a cab. At work! Do you know how embarrassing that was?"

"I can venture a guess."

"No you can't! I was so happy we could reconnect! I was looking forward to that trip! Then you never showed up!"

"You mean I ran off to have fun all by myself without regard to how it would hurt you? Yup, I have no idea how that feels at all."

She looked like I had slapped her face, then it reddened in anger. "Why are you being difficult about that? I told you I was getting him out of my system."

"No. You were getting him INTO your system. You spent a lot more time fucking him then you did with me, and I know you've been dating him and going out."

Her eyes darted back and forth. "What are you talking about?"

"That movie. It was a thriller and you never jumped at any of the scary scenes. Not once. Why is that?"

She shifted gears. "You're changing the subject. Why are you trying to drive me away into Tanner's arms? I would think if you didn't want to lose me, you'd treat me with more respect."

I looked at her for all of five seconds. Then I laughed in her face.

Her face twisted up in disbelief. "You WANT to lose me?"

My face felt like it was sneering. I wasn't sure about my expression. "Lose you? You know...for a while there, I thought I was losing you to Tanner. That this guy was cleaning my clock as a partner. But you know what? I was wrong." I tried to put my thoughts into words. "The Greeks used this little garland to denote victory. And the only person who can put it on your head is your partner. So I was never losing to Tanner. I was never fighting Tanner. I was fighting you. You plucked that wreath from my head and choose to put it on him. And that tells me all I need to know about our relationship."

"You...!" she began.

"Save it." I sneered. Yes, I was definitely sneering at this point. Then I flicked my fingers in a dismissive gesture. "Go on...run off to him. Because I've been thinking a lot about what you said to me. If everything you said is true, I don't have a thing to worry about. If Tanner wanted you for a wife, he'd have had you a long time ago. He doesn't. He's had every chance. Your first relationship, your second little fling and now this one. So I may need to worry about you running off with Tanner. But I don't need to worry about him taking you. He just wants to fuck you...literally and metaphorically. I'm sure it's a real turn on for him to come in and destroy your relationships and you're obviously a stupid enough to let it happen."

Her face turned ashen and her mouth opened and closed a number of times. "You...you don't know what you're talking about," she finally choked out.

"Of course not." I turned and got a beer. While my back was turned, I heard a rustle of cloth, the rattle of keys hastily grabbed, the drag of her purse off the counter and the slam of the front door.

I sighed. Like a dog returning to it's vomit. I'd had a lot of time to think about all she said and how she acted with Tanner. Every time he came into her life, she dropped everything and ran off to become his whore. Then he went away. This thought niggled in my brain. SHE never left him...

With a muttered curse of my own, I grabbed my car keys and headed to the door...

***

Even on a Sunday afternoon, Ed's place had a respectable crowd. The jukebox was spitting out tunes and the man himself was tending his bar, talking quietly to a couple of patrons.

He broke off when he saw me so upset and headed over to the waitress station to meet me. I was seething with rage. "How's it going...." was all he had time to get out before I reached over and grabbed his stupid black vest in my hands, half dragging him over the counter.

"You knew! You knew from the start!" I almost screamed at him. When my words were done echoing, I realized that the rest of the bar was quiet except for the music warbling from the jukebox and the unmistakable sound of a whole lot of chairs being pushed back from tables. The hairs on the back of my neck rose up of their own accord as I felt a large looming presence behind me.

"Everyone calm down." Ed said mildly. "My man here is having a bit of a rough day."

I slowly released him and held my open hands in front of me, signifying the fact I didn't want any trouble, particularly not in the wholesale quantities that the patrons seemed ready to unload upon me.

Ed looked over at Reba, who was in the midst of putting a bottle back on the shelf. "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! You were going to hit him with a bottle of Glenfidditch? He isn't that good a customer! HE gets the stick. If you're going to hit anyone with a bottle, smack that lush Lenny! He's keeping the place afloat!"

There was a trill of laughter from the crowd and things seemed to calm down. I didn't feel that I'd be unceremoniously dumped into the alley anymore less or less intact.

He gave me a look and motioned me into the dark corner. He set a drink in front of me. "Care to enlighten me what that was all about?" he asked carefully. He was peeved and I can't say I blame him, but I was still upset myself.

"You knew!" I said in a scarce restrained whisper. "You knew he always left her. You had to have seen it! You figured out the school thing! You knew that she wasn't going to...to..." I felt like crying again. Not for Melanie, but for the treasured dream I had lost. The time before Tanner. What might have been. What I wanted to be again. Somehow in the last few weeks it wasn't about Melanie the person anymore but about wanting to regain the dream. Melanie the Idea.