I Told You So Ch. 14

It happened almost two years after that Thanksgiving. I had been feeling out of sorts for weeks - generally run down as if I was on the brink of coming down with a cold or flu but never actually getting sick. When I fainted for the third time in less than a week, Ben insisted I make a doctor's appointment. Joe's travel schedule for his job had increased but the trade-off was that when he wasn't traveling, he worked from home so he was able to take me to my appointment since neither of them were comfortable with me driving at that point.

I was alone in the exam room when my doctor came in with my results. She had run a full panel of bloodwork to rule things out, and apparently a pregnancy test was one of them. I sat there in stunned silence after she kindly informed me I was perfectly healthy and about to be a mother. She offered her congratulations with a smile that grew amused when she took in my reaction. She'd been my doctor for seven years so I was very comfortable with her. I just watched her with wide eyes and shook my head.

"What?" I whispered for probably the tenth time.

To her credit, she didn't laugh at me. She simply smirked and squeezed my arm.

"Don't worry. The idea will become reality in, oh, about seven or eight months."

"But - but - I never missed a period," I protested.

She nodded. "It happens to some women. You say your periods are very light - it might have been implantation spotting that you thought was just a very light period that cycle."

I looked at her in horror. "Oh, my God," I said faintly.

"It'll be okay, Chelsea," she said warmly. "Let's get you in for an ultrasound."

She gave me some informational pamphlets on nutrition and wrote me a prescription for prenatal vitamins. I somehow managed to get dressed and make it to the waiting room, where Joe took one look at my expression and panicked. He hugged me tightly to him and hurried me into his car. He turned on the ignition to warm us up and faced me, taking my hands in his.

"What is it?" he asked in a rush. "What did the doctor say?"

It never occurred to me that I should wait to tell Ben first. I couldn't not say it. And I knew Ben wouldn't be upset by that.

"I'm pregnant," I croaked, my eyes large.

I felt like I hadn't blinked since I left the exam room. Joe dropped my hands and sat back in shock.

"Whoa," he said quietly.

We sat in silence for a few minutes before I asked him to take me home. I texted Ben on the way, telling him that it wasn't bad news but I needed him to come home from work as soon as possible. He was waiting for us when we got there; Joe had driven excruciatingly slowly. Ben met us at the front door, taking in our astonished expressions with alarm. Joe and I hadn't spoken since I'd shared the news. Now I gave him an apologetic look and led Ben to our room. He sat on the bed, watching me anxiously with concern.

"I'm pregnant," I whispered, pacing the floor, my eyes locked on his.

His head came back in surprise and a second later he smiled that heart-stopping smile. He got up to embrace me.

"God, you had me really worried," he mumbled into my hair. He pulled back to look at me, still smiling. "This is wonderful."

I felt my eyes fill. "Really?" I asked doubtfully.

He lifted my chin with a finger and kissed me gently. "Of course it is. We're going to have a kid!" he said excitedly.

I smiled tremulously. "Yeah," I said weakly. "It's yours," I added quickly.

Somehow during the drive home, my mind a jumble of a thousand different thoughts, I had still managed to do the math. The ultrasound had dated the pregnancy at nine weeks. With Joe's sporadic work schedule and general life getting in the way, he and I hadn't been together that often the last several months. Regardless, I knew it was Ben's. Even if the ultrasound hadn't been accurate to the few days surrounding conception, I had only been with Ben for the weeks around that time.

Ben looked at me with concern and affection. "I know," he said softly. "But it wouldn't matter - this is our baby; all of ours," he told me quietly.

"No," I said, looking at him in dismay. "This is your baby - yours and mine." I took a shaky breath. "Ben, things have to change." I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

He wiped the tear away with a sad expression. "They don't have to," he offered.

I nodded, sniffing. "They do," I whispered in despair. "They do," I repeated.

He studied me for a moment, then wrapped his arms around me and led me to the bed, sitting me down and taking me in his arms.

"I can't raise a kid like this - I won't," I said, gulping as more tears came. It was like I could actually feel my heart breaking. "I just - I can't do it." I looked at him helplessly.

He nodded slowly. "All right. But, we don't have to make that decision now," he added.

I shook my head. "It's the right thing to do," I said decisively. And I knew it was, difficult as it would be. "But it's also what I want. I'm sorry if you don't agree -"

He interrupted me with a kiss. "I do," he said simply. He still looked sad. "That's not to say I'm not upset about it - worried for J..." He shook his head slightly. "Christ, I'm simultaneously thrilled and depressed right now." He hugged me tightly.

"I know," I muttered.

Suddenly I was exhausted. I couldn't comprehend what we had to do; didn't want to deal with the reality of how things were going to change now.

"I need to take a nap," I said, falling to my back on the bed. "Is that okay?"

Ben smiled tenderly, scooting me to the top of the bed and tucking me in. He lay with me for a few minutes, nestling me in the crook of his arm, our hands joined on my stomach. Then he kissed my forehead and left me to sleep.

When I woke, I saw that it was dark outside. I propped myself up on my elbows and looked around in confusion. Ben was in one of the chairs near the balcony and got up when he saw me move.

"Did you sleep okay?" he asked, stroking my hair. "Do you feel better?"

"Mm-hm," I murmured, leaning into his hand. I looked at him suddenly. "You didn't tell Joe -" I stopped when he shook his head.

"I knew you'd want to talk to him," he said gently.

I nodded.

"Are you hungry? I'll bring you dinner in bed."

"That's okay -"

"Hush, let me pamper you," he said sweetly, giving me a kiss.

I was embarrassed and didn't feel like I deserved to be pampered, but I was hungry. Honestly, I also wanted to delay the conversation with Joe. The sadness was bundled up in a pit in my stomach and I felt like my heart was in my throat. I'm going to miss him so much, I thought.

Ben brought dinner and we ate together in bed, talking little. He returned after clearing the plates and took me in his arms.

"He's in his room," Ben told me, stroking my back.

I met his eyes tentatively. "I want to spend the night with him," I whispered. "Is that okay?"

"Of course," Ben said, smiling softly.

I snuggled into him, letting him comfort me. I think I stayed there for at least half an hour, loathe to move. Finally, I slowly moved out of his embrace and gave him a kiss before going downstairs.

I knocked on Joe's door and opened it without waiting for him to speak. The room was dark but I could tell he was awake. Moving slowly to the bed, I sat next to him and crossed my legs. He sat up and leaned against the headboard. Through the faint moonlight coming in the window, I could see him watching me sadly. We sat staring at each other for a long time before he raised a hand to cup my face, his thumb gently stroking my cheek.

"This is the last time," he said, only slightly questioningly.

I blinked back tears. "I think so," I whispered.

He held out his arms and I came into them, both of us lying down. He stroked my hair and my face, running a hand down my body until it rested on my belly. I covered it with my own and met his eyes.

"I don't want to hurt you," he said quietly, his fingers running across my abdomen.

"You won't," I said.

My body had already arched toward him at the simple touch.

"I want you to do whatever you want," I told him, my voice husky. "Make it worthwhile," I added with a teasing smile.

He smiled wistfully, staring at our hands on my stomach. He looked at me before speaking.

"Every time with you has been worthwhile," he said seriously.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

He silenced me with a slow, deep kiss. "I'm not sorry - for any of it," he said tenderly. "Every moment of the past three years has been a treasure. I don't regret any of it."

He gave me another kiss, alternately brushing my lips softly and exploring my mouth with his tongue. Our eyes were trained on each other, my usual response to him leaving me breathless.

"Tomorrow things have to change," he murmured, grazing my cheeks and temple with his soft lips. "And that's good," he added before kissing me. "But just for tonight I can pretend you're all mine...and I won't have any regrets about that either."

"I am yours," I said in a soft moan as his lips found my earlobe and then my neck.

He moved slowly, undressing me and caressing every inch of my body, looking at me as if it were the first time he was seeing me. He teased my legs and thighs before settling himself at my heated center and bringing me to a slow orgasm with his mouth. When my legs released their hold on him, he moved up to kiss me, his hand replacing his tongue. He gripped me to him tightly, his fingers swirling and stroking me to another climax. Not giving me a chance to recover, he dropped to his back and lifted me up so I hovered over his head.

"Grab the headboard, kitten," he said with a playful grin.

I did, and this time he brought me to the peak with his mouth and hands until I was bucking wildly over him. Gliding his hands up my back, he nudged me down to lie on top of him, stroking my sides and kissing me as I gasped for air.

"What would you like, honey?" he asked, his lips brushing against mine.

I kissed him and slid along his length in answer. He grabbed my behind, pressing me to him. I moaned as we rocked against each other, adjusting our hips until he slid into me. I moved on him shallowly, our mouths not parting until I felt myself climaxing and my head flung back.

"Joe - God - oh - oh," I cried, my hands gripping his chest, his fingers pressing into my hips.

I slumped back onto his chest and he gripped my hair. Planting his feet on the bed, he thrust into me before I could completely recover, bringing me to the edge twice more before pulling me off him.

"I love you, kitten," he said in a low growl.

I was still trying to catch my breath when he spun me around on top of him and plunged his tongue into me again. I began stroking him, running my tongue from base to tip while whimpering around him. He closed his lips around my clit and I gave a long groan before taking him in my mouth, deeper and deeper until he broke away with a gasp. He returned his attentions to my aching button and I continued, fondling his scrotum.

Suddenly he pushed me forward and scrambled up behind me, pushing my legs together between his knees and entering me slowly. He rocked almost gently, curving his body around mine, his hands finding my breasts. I buried my face in the mattress when I came again. He flattened my body to the bed, turning my legs to one side and still thrusting into me from behind. I twisted my upper body to face him, gripping his arm with one hand, the other running across his chest as I watched him. His hair was damp and falling onto his forehead. His expression changed from lustful desire to a grimace of exertion to loving affection and back again.

"Come for me," I murmured, my eyes on his. "I need you to come."

He sucked in a breath, pausing his movements. He growled and grasped my shoulder, pulling my body to meet his. My back arched and my hips came off the bed slightly as I felt another orgasm beginning.

"Fuck," he shouted.

Moving his hand to the back of my neck, he tugged until my body was half-sitting, bending forward until our foreheads were almost touching. He stared into my eyes as he came. I grabbed his wrist and cried out just as he finished, dropping back onto the bed and pulling him with me, writhing against him as my climax ended. I held him tightly, not wanting him to move.

"I love you," I whispered, stroking his shoulders.

His face was pressed against my neck, his body shuddering. There was a long silence before he raised his head to kiss me. I almost couldn't bear the look of pain in his eyes.

"I love you, too," he replied with a small smile.

He rolled off me and I turned, tugging him to rest his head on a pillow, snuggling up next to him.

"Are you staying?" he asked quietly in surprise.

"Yes," I said, kissing his chest.

He let out a long sigh and flipped the covers over us.

Sometime in the middle of the night we woke with our limbs tangled and made love again, silently. We slowly undulated together as if gliding along a stream until we crested, then relaxed peacefully and fell asleep with our arms around each other. In the morning, we took a bubble bath together and, after an attempt to do it in the bathtub left us laughing giddily, we ended up on the plush bath rug, finishing in an explosion of sparks and screams.

We made breakfast together and sat while reading the paper as we ate. We didn't speak much, if at all. The morning felt both normal and heartbreakingly final. I made a plate to take to Ben and Joe stopped me as I walked by the table, resting his hand on my arm. He slid his arm around my waist, leaning up for a lingering kiss. Our eyes held each other's for a long moment. Without looking away, he slid his hand to my belly, placing it low on my abdomen. I covered it with my own, watching his eyes. We spoke without words, our thoughts of love and respect and regret transferring through our joined hands and our locked eyes.

He dropped his hand slowly and I stepped back before turning to leave the room to go to Ben and the rest of my life.

-

We named her Josephine Claire. She had the same honey-colored hair I'd had in my youth, and her father's stunning jade-colored eyes. She was a spitfire from the beginning, arriving three weeks early and seemed to keep moving since. She had also inherited Ben's amiable spirit and confidence; I was startled by how quickly her personality made itself known.

Ben and I made the spontaneous decision to get married in Las Vegas about a month after we found out I was pregnant. Joe was there with us, of course. It wouldn't have been right without him. As Ben and I were saying our vows, my gaze flicked over Ben's shoulder and met Joe's for a moment. He was watching me intently. It was as if I could hear him speaking along with us in his mind. When the officiant announced we were husband and wife, Ben turned slightly and threw an arm around Joe's shoulder for a squeeze. We kissed when instructed, Ben's arm still around Joe, and then the three of us hugged.

As a wedding gift, Joe used his points to get us a magnificent suite. He also gave me a Celtic wedding band that I wear on my right ring finger. Ben told me later that they had gone ring shopping together and Joe had suggested it to him, but Ben felt it would make more sense if it came from Joe and instead got me a more traditional band. Our situation was still bizarre and unusual, but Ben wasn't wrong; it did make sense.

We were all charmed by Josie, desperately in love with this adorable creature who demanded all of our time and energy. Joe had moved out a few months before she was born, buying a condo nearby. We still saw him almost daily when he wasn't traveling. Josie adored him. My parents were their usual absent selves, only visiting once a year, if that. But between Joe and Ben's parents, Josie had two sets of doting grandparents who came to town as much as possible.

Ben and I were happy, though there was a piece missing without Joe. Still, with the constant exhaustion of having a baby and then an energetic toddler, it was easy to push that out of our minds. When we weren't working or taking care of Josie and the house, we tried to focus on each other to make sure our relationship stayed strong. Joe was still a part of our lives, a part of us, but things were obviously not the same. Ben only suggested once that it would be okay if we wanted to go back to the way things were, but I was adamant. Much as I missed Joe, and I did, that was not how I viewed our family life.

Despite the hole in my heart without Joe - at least the way I had grown accustomed to having him - life was good. I had never spent a lot of time thinking about having children, so I was surprised at how quickly I fell in love with motherhood. What struck me most was her relationship with Ben. He was an amazing father, which didn't surprise me. But from the start her eyes would light up when he came into the room, her head immediately turning in his direction if she heard his voice. I was the one she turned to for comfort; Ben was the one she looked at with wide-eyed amazement, as if she couldn't believe her luck that she got to spend time with this marvelous man. I knew exactly how she felt. For his part, while he never neglected me and always made sure we were each other's top priority, the unrestrained joy with which he interacted with Josie made my heart feel like it would burst.

Sadly he didn't live to see her third birthday.