I Told You So Ch. 15

"You don't even know what you want, do you? Or what you're thinking."

His words were more of a statement than a question. I looked at him, startled. Even after all these years it was always a surprise when he and Ben could read my mind.

"Chels, the last thing I want is to make things harder for you. But -" He stopped and took a deep breath. "But you need to figure it out for you. For Josie. You know Ben wouldn't want you to go on like this. And more importantly, it doesn't have to be like this."

I looked at him blankly. He gave me a sympathetic look.

"It doesn't have to be like this," he repeated softly. "You can be happy again. You have to decide you want it. Because you deserve it. And Josie deserves it. Hell, Ben's memory deserves it."

My face crumpled and I covered my eyes. Joe moved closer to me on the couch but he didn't touch me.

"I don't know how," I whispered in a choked voice.

"I know," he said tenderly.

I felt his hand rest lightly on my hair and moved away from his touch. Joe sighed and dropped his hand. There was a long silence before he spoke again.

"Listen, I'm going away for a while," he said hesitantly.

"What?" I asked in shock.

He nodded. "My boss offered me a position overseas, in Belgium - it's just supposed to be for six months. I wasn't going to take it, but now, the way things are...I don't know. I think it might be best."

"But - what about Josie?"

He sighed again. "It won't be that long," he said awkwardly. "I just - Chels, I can't handle being here when it seems like I'm hurting you more than helping. And honestly," he continued with another sigh. "Honestly, I think it's worse for me being around you now. With the way things are - I can't handle it."

"So your solution is to just take off," I spat out.

He looked offended. "Obviously I can't be the one to help you with this," he said coldly. "Even if I could - and I have wanted to - clearly that's not what you want. You can barely look me in the eye and you can't stand to have me touch you. What exactly are you going to be missing when I'm gone?"

I flinched and bit my lip. "Fine. Go ahead and leave. Sounds like a great idea," I said sarcastically, regretting my words instantly.

"Don't do this," he said slowly, sounding like he was trying to control his temper.

"Do what?" I snapped.

"I know you're pissed. You're so pissed you can barely breathe. I get it, believe me. But don't take it out on me when the only thing I've ever done is be your husband's best friend and the guy that loves you."

I stood suddenly, crossing my arms. I was embarrassed by the truth in his words but my lingering rage was overpowering it.

"Okay," I said.

"Okay?" he repeated in confusion.

"Okay. Have a safe trip. I guess I'll see you when you get back," I said flatly.

Joe stood and watched me, hurt and sadness and anger competing on his face. We didn't move for at least a minute, then suddenly he closed the gap between us. One of his hands cradled the back of my head, the other on my cheek, and he pulled me to him for a kiss.

It was a hard kiss, but not rough; it was fierce with emotion. His lips caressed mine decisively, his tongue seeking mine. He poured all of his feelings into that kiss, telling me without words all he felt for me - the love and friendship as well as the frustration and anger. I was too stunned to move my arms but my body responded to him nonetheless, just as it always had. He broke the kiss so abruptly that I lurched forward a little before righting myself and staring up at him. Even if I could have read his expression, he didn't give me time to examine it.

Running a finger down my cheek, he whispered, "I love you, kitten."

Then he was out the door before I could take a breath.

I stood in the same spot, frozen. The only movement I made was to uncross my arms and place my fingers on my mouth, still feeling his lips on mine. Those lips. Longing spread through me in a deep ache, overshadowed only by the guilt and fear clenching my heart.