I Want a Divorce

"You better stay away from him or . . . or"

"Or what big sister? You can't do a thing if you have a legal separation in place. And the kicker is that you are the one who is asking for it. All these years you have bragged what a good provider he is, what a good husband and father. Most of all you've talked about how great a lover he is and how many orgasms you have. And you want to throw that away? How stupid can you be? Did you turn blonde all of a sudden? Like I said, let me know as soon as he's available. This is one time in our life I will welcome a hand me down from my big sister. Bye."

Darlene tried to calm down after the call. It didn't help that she looked back at the lists of women. She saw Jenny his secretary of six months she had met. A single mother of one who was short in stature, absolutely gorgeous but almost 20 years younger than Jeff. However, there she was first on the list which meant she had indicated interest in dating her husband. "Probably desperate for a sugar daddy to take care of her and her child." Two names on the list were women in the neighborhood, one who was married! "I guess that's what the "M" next to her name meant." The other two names sounded like other women who worked where Jeff did. She only recognized the names of a couple of the women on the "find out if interested" list. They also were from the neighborhood. Jeff had done a lot of free handy man work for the neighbors. Although he had a degree in psychology, he had worked through college as a handyman. He enjoyed the work and built up business so much, he now had three crews working under him. "I guess he was looking at the women's plumbing as well as their house's plumbing." Three women on the list did not have names just the notation of "waitress at Waffle House, barista at Starbucks, and clerk at Walmart." "I wonder how many other women find him as attractive as Erica. I really didn't think he would date during the separation. Maybe he has someone already in mind too!"

Jeff entered the house and saw his wife looking over the legal pad. He was pretty sure what the next topic of conversation would be. "Well Jeff, it seems you haven't wasted much time finding a replacement for me! My own sister, how could you?"

"I was just trying to catch up with you and your selection of a boyfriend."

"What . . . . what do you mean? I don't have a boyfriend. I just want to explore some new relationships."

"Like with Robert Turner?

"How do you know about . . . What's Robert Turner go to do with this?"

"I was at Walmart today and ran into Sylvia, your boss's secretary, on her lunch break."

"She is an old gossip. Don't believe anything she says." After a pregnant pause Darlene could not help but ask, "Out of curiosity, what did she say?"

"Sylvia said 'I understand you are good friends with one of our new associates, Robert Turner.' I must have looked puzzled to her because she explained, 'Since he visits your wife's office several times a day and they have lunch together every day, I asked Darlene what was going on. You know our president has a strict policy on intraoffice fraternization. Anyway, she explained that Robert was on old college buddy of yours and that you all do things together frequently.' I looked at her like 'now I remember' and said 'Oh yeah, Robert. I am used to calling him Bob.' So that's why I think that Robert is at least one of the men you wish to experiment with during the separation. How far have you all gone so far in your 'exploration?'

"I was just trying to get that busybody out of my business. Robert is just a friend. We haven't done anything much except talk. And I guess he might be someone I would want to date. He is very nice to me and compliments my looks even when I'm not at my best."

"Anything much? Have you two done anything you would have minded me seeing?" As Darlene remembered quickly the elevator scenes, her facial expression gave away the answer. "Maybe more importantly, have you two done something his wife would have minded?"

"Wife? He's . . . he's not married. Who told you he was married? What kind of woman do you think I am?"

"Well, you're not very curious about the men you want to explore with. Here I'll call up his Facebook page again. That's where I got the information. After a minute of computer search, Jeff continued, "Is that Robert Turner?"

"Well, yes."

"What does it say about his marital status?"

"It says married to Cynthia and he has two boys." Trying to come up with an explanation quickly, Darlene volunteered. "This could be old information. He could be divorced now."

"Look again. It was updated three days ago. Don't you think he would have updated something as important as whether or not he was married? And look at what his wife last wrote: 'The boys and I can't wait to join Robert when school's out. Johnny and Robert, Jr., however, have been important players on their high school baseball team and may make it to the state tournament! We will be reuniting our family as soon as the school year is over or maybe later if they do make it to the state tournament.'

"That SOB. I swear he didn't tell me he was married. I wouldn't do anything to break up someone's marriage."

"You don't seem to mind breaking up your own marriage." Silence ensued.

Darlene knew she was busted. She needed time to think. Robert was the main reason she wanted the separation, but she couldn't let Jeff know that. "Well, he was just one of several men I might be interested in dating. I can make a list just like you did."

Jeff jumped in, "Oh my gosh, I just thought of something else important. If we do decide we want to stay married after the divorce, we should give each other a copy of a medical report to make sure we are both clear of STDs."

"You are just being hateful now."

"Just being careful. I hadn't really plan to date someone since it might just be for 90 days but if I feel the need for sex, I just might seek out a prostitute. I'm sure you would want to feel safe just like I would. Remember it's not just you. It's who you have sex with and who they have sex with before you and so on." Jeff tried not to show how much he was enjoying turning the screws on Darlene's scheme.

While Darlene stewed, Jeff changed the subject. "Okay Dar, I promised to bring you up to date on what I had done to aid the separation process. I got a lot done today, most with a start date of 1 March. The bank and credit card accounts are the main things you need to deal with right away, so you have easy access to your money. The mortgage, utility payments, etc. can be dealt with in the next week or so. Oh, I do have some positive news on the financial end of things. Did I tell you that my secretary, Jenny, is the night apartment manager at the Royal Arms? Those apartments are near work, so I asked her about vacancies and they have a two-bedroom apartment vacancy, but I have to move fast. Normally they would be too expensive, but she said if I would become the apartment maintenance person, I could have a 50% discount on the rent. That means more money for you and the kids."

Darlene jumped in, "You didn't sign a lease already did you? Remember we have 90 days and you just might be able to move back here if you play your cards right." She wanted to say something about his secretary being a gold digging bitch but decided that would make things worse.

"No, I haven't signed a lease . . .yet. I'm afraid I had to explain why I was looking for an apartment though. She said that usually they don't rent on a month-to-month basis but since it would just be for 90 days, she thought she could get approval. When Jenny found out about the separation, she did say she would like for me to ask her out. I was surprised with the age difference and all. I had no idea she found me attractive. I told her that I was flattered but the rules at work did not allow employees and their supervisors to have anything but a professional relationship. Jenny said that she could get a secretarial job somewhere else if that was all it took. So that's why I put her on the list."

Steam was coming out of Darlene's ears. She was biting her tongue because her thoughts would have made things even worse if she turned them into spoken words.

Rather than wait for Darlene to say anything, Jeff went on. "The other bit of news is something you should really like. I have booked two tickets for a ten-day holiday in Hawaii. I was waiting to tell you because it was supposed to be a surprise for our 20th anniversary."

Darlene's demeanor changed 180 degrees. "Hawaii! Oh Jeff. You know how much I have always wanted to go there. That's fantastic. I can't wait for us to lay on the beaches and swim in the ocean. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

Jeff's facial expression, however, did not mirror his wife's. "WE are not going to Hawaii. When you told me you wanted a divorce, I had to assume we might not make it to our 20th anniversary. When I tried to cancel and get a refund, they said that at this late date I could only get a 20% refund. After I thought about it, I realized that going to Hawaii was really more your dream. I thought you should still go so I did get them to change the tickets to you and one person to be named later. It might be a very helpful start for your new relationship if you could offer your new man an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii."

"But . . . Jeff, you're the one I wanted to go to Hawaii with. We could postpone the separation thing. In fact, I'm thinking of cancelling the whole thing. I'm not that unhappy with my life now that I've had a chance to think of it."

"I'm sorry Dar. I've given this a lot of thought. I don't think I could enjoy myself knowing we would be coming back to possible divorce proceedings. Even if you cancelled the divorce, you can't cancel your having said you want a divorce nor can you cancel my imagination about what you and Robert did when you didn't do 'anything much.' I'm afraid I believe you have already committed adultery even though you may not have actually had intercourse. I probably will go on with the divorce no matter what you decide even though I cannot imagine my life without you and being only half a dad to my girls." Jeff then went upstairs to the guest bedroom.

Darlene was devastated. She only knew one place to turn. Miranda. She called.

"Hello Darlene. What's the status of things?"

"Miranda, things have all gone to hell. Jeff has found an apartment and his skinny assed secretary has already made a play for him and my sister wants a shot at him too. The worse thing is that he had us tickets to Hawaii for our anniversary and gave them to me to use but he won't go. He said I could use them to take my new boyfriend. What am I going to do?"

"Hey, what's the problem? You and Robert will have a great time of sun, fun and incredible sex."

"No, I found out that Robert is married and that his wife and kids will be moving here in a few months. I can't, I don't want to go to Hawaii with him. I want to go with Jeff."

"Wait a minute, I just figured out what is happening," Miranda countered. "Damn, Jeff is trickier than I gave him credit for. He is lying about having booked the trip before today. That was just to make you feel guilty and cancel the divorce proceedings. Call his hand and he'll be giving you everything you want. Don't worry, with your hot little body you'll be able to get boyfriends as good or better than Robert in no time and still have your husband and family."

"Oh my gosh. I never considered he could be that evil. Son of a bitch. I'm going to make him pay for this. Thanks Miranda. I was about to give in. He's going to really be sorry. Talk to you later."

When Jeff came back downstairs, he had a small piece of luggage. Darlene said, "So you're trying to appear you're already moving out? Don't worry and good riddance."

"Actually, I was just going to take a few things over to the apartment so as not to move out too much at one time and spook the girls. Jenny said I could go ahead and move a few things in before the first since the apartment was vacant anyway. Your mood seems to have changed since we talked earlier. Let me guess, you've talked to your marriage expert Miranda. You really should talk to a marriage expert if you want to keep being married. Miranda is a divorce expert. That's all she has been successful doing."

"Don't try to get at me by dissing Miranda. She's got my back. She was able to point out your scam about tickets to Hawaii. You made up that story just to get me to drop everything. It won't work. I still want the divorce and I can't wait till the separation. There are plenty of guys who want me and will give me what I need."

"You're absolutely right, at least about the guys wanting you. I don't doubt for a minute you will have many offers as soon as they know you are available. I have always thought I was the luckiest man alive to have a woman as good looking as you, as great a partner in parenting, and, until recently, as loyal a wife and lover. The part you're not right about is the Hawaii trip and I can prove it. Call Lois Simpson at Flight Rite Travel Agency. She's the one who set up the trip. Here I'll call."

"Flight Rite Travel, Lois speaking. We've got some great last-minute deals you don't want to miss. How can I help you?"

"Lois, this is Jeff Sinclair again. My wife is on speaker phone with me. It's okay now to tell her about the trip. She had some questions."

"Sure Jeff, I'm so sorry you can't go. You seemed to be really looking forward to surprising your wife and enjoying the getaway. What questions did you have Mrs. Sinclair?"

"Tell me exactly what does this so-called trip supposed to include?" Darlene snarled.

"This is our ten-day, two island trip - our most popular. Hotel, meals, transportation, hula lessons, luau, tiki dancers, surfing, swimming, dancing all in a romantic setting. I've been with my husband a couple of times and it's really spiced up our marriage."

"And when did my husband first book this trip?" Darlene was sure this would expose the ruse.

"Let's see, according to my notes, he first called about three months ago then he chose this particular trip two months ago and paid for it two weeks after. Yesterday he called to cancel and get a refund. I was sorry I could only give 20%. I was pleasantly surprised he said to go ahead and you would find someone else to go with you. That tells me what kind of husband he is. You're one lucky lady. What other questions do you have? You do need to tell me the name of the other person as soon as possible. I can't actually reserve the plane tickets until I have the person's name."

"No other questions. I'll call with the name soon."

Darlene tried to think what Miranda might say based on this information. Within seconds she knew, "You think you've fooled me again don't you? You've worked a deal with that Lois woman to pretend you had planned the Hawaii trip before I said anything about divorce. Well, I'm smarter than that." She was proud of herself for figuring it out without Miranda's help.

Jeff sighed loudly and offered, "Would you believe your parents?"

"What have my parents go to do with this?"

"Who do you think was going to keep the girls while we were gone? Here, let's call them."

Darlene was caught off guard, "No, you don't need to do that. I need a little time to think."

"Sorry Dar, I've already dialed."

"But Jeff . . ."

The call was answered by her mother who saw the caller ID, "Darlene, how are the girls? Good to hear from you."

"Hi Mom," Darlene said hesitantly.

"Hi Mom, this is Jeff, we're on speaker phone together."

"Wait a minute and I'll get your father also." Darlene and Jeff could hear in the background, 'Harold, it's Jeff and Darlene. Come to the phone, dear.'

"Hey guys, what's up?" Harold said in joining the conversation.

After Darlene didn't say anything, Jeff spoke up, "This has to do with the Hawaii trip. Darlene knows now so you don't have to keep it a secret."

"Son, we are so sorry you can't go on the trip. You didn't really tell us why when you called this morning. I hope it's not an illness. When you phoned and said you wouldn't need us to babysit during the Hawaii since you weren't going, it disappointed us because we were looking forward to having the girls with us for ten days. And we were sad for Darlene that you could not go with her. We know how much she would want to go on the trip but would much rather have you go than someone else? Have you decided who to take yet Darlene? One of the girls? It would be hard on whichever one was left behind."

"No, Mom, I haven't decided yet. How long ago did Jeff talk to you about the Hawaii trip?"

"I'm not sure. Harold, do you remember?"

"It was at New Years wasn't it? I'm pretty sure. Two to three months ago. He said he wanted to give us plenty of notice. so we could stock up on junk food. Those two can really eat and never seem to gain an ounce."

Darlene's mother interjected, "Jeff, Darlene is something the matter? Why are you asking when Jeff talked to us? Is there a problem between you two? Oh God, are you two breaking up?"

Darlene responded, "No Mom, well not really. We sort of decided we needed some space, some time away from each other for a while, kind of recharge the marriage battery, then probably get back together."

Jeff interrupted, "Dar, I'm not going to lie to your parents. They have always been honest and straight with me. Mom, Harold last Sunday night Darlene told me she wanted a divorce." Gasps could be heard on the other end of the line.

Darlene tried to rescue herself, "That's not what I really meant to say, the first part of divorce procedures is a 90 day separation. I wanted that time to find myself, explore new opportunities, improve myself so I could be a better wife and mother afterwards."

"Bull shit!" exclaimed Harold. "I know hippie, liberal bull shit when I hear it. Darlene, have you got a boyfriend on the side?"

"No, Dad. No . . . . not really."

Jeff wanted to say something but thought better of it.

Harold continued as sobs from his wife could be heard in the background, "Well it sure sounds like it to me. I can't believe you would do something like that. We raised you better. I'm so disappointed. Don't expect us to be polite to your new man Darlene. We're sorry Jeff. At least, will you promise that you'll let us still see our grandchildren after the divorce?"

Darlene now sobbing as well jumped in before Jeff could answer, "There's not going to be a divorce. Jeff has blown this all out of proportion. I take it back. No divorce. No separation. I'll talk to you later when things calm down."

Jeff looked at Darlene as she cried. Finally, he spoke, "You need to get yourself together, the girls will be home soon." Then we started to the door with his suitcase in tow.

"Where are you going? Didn't you hear me? I don't want a divorce. You don't have to go anywhere."

"Darlene, you unilaterally declared you wanted a divorce without talking to me in advance. Now you think you can unilaterally declare we won't divorce because it's not turning out the way you planned. You didn't seem to realize that I had a say in things. After what I've learned about you in the last week, I'm not sure that divorce isn't a bad idea. I'll be taking a sleeping bag from the garage and staying at the apartment tonight."

"Jeff, please don't go. I'm sorry. You said everything was okay before I mentioned that nonsense about wanting a divorce. Can't you just forget it and go back to the way we were? You said you were happy."

"I was happy, very happy. But I can't forget you said you were unhappy and how you had your separation fling with Robert all planned out. Like I said, you've already committed adultery as far as I'm concerned. Sally told me it would be easy for her to draw up the divorce papers since it's the standard divorce terms. She probably can have those tomorrow."