I Want To Be In Love

"Doing what, Kevin? I don't know anything about non-profit work," I said. He started to say something, but I held up my hand to stop him. "Kevin, I know what you're thinking. And I appreciate the gesture, but I can't work for you. Not now. This is something I have to do on my own."

"Why?" he whispered.

I took a deep breath. "Because I need to know that I can make it without someone else. Right now . . . My ex-husband and I weren't very smart with our money. We bought too many things and lived way beyond our means. I'm smarter than that; I know I am. You don't know how humiliating it is to have to tell your kids that everything they had grown up expecting has gone away. We spoiled them rotten, you know. Now . . . now I just wish I had been smarter."

Kevin gave me a hurt smile, but I knew he understood.

"We were too dependent on both our salaries," I continued. "Only I never fully realised where our money was going. We spent our money on things we didn't need and didn't save up enough for a rainy day. I just accepted that we'd have six-figure incomes for ever and ever. When he filed for divorce, neither of us considered how much it would cost us and how hard it would be to divvy up our assets when the value of our house was a fraction of what it was two years ago."

A silence fell over us until our entrees arrived. We made some more small talk; both of us wanted to avoid any serious discussion of us.

We were too full for dessert. He asked what I wanted to do; I deferred to him. He drove around for a little while but soon we ended up back in his living room.

There was a part of me that wanted to jump him right there. But he seemed cautious. I can't blame him; it's not like there were any expectations. In fact, based on the way I had treated him lately, he was probably rightfully wary of me.

"So where does that leave 'us'?" he asked finally.

I settled on to the couch next to him. Our hips were touching. Our arms intertwined.

Over the last month and a half, I had been pondering this very question. I didn't have a good answer for myself, much less for him. Still, I knew I had to come up with something. Anything less was unfair to him.

"I've missed you, Kevin," I admitted. "I've missed you every night since we were last together. And I missed . . . I didn't know how much I missed the little things you do for me. Like holding doors open and little pecks on the cheek. Kenzo—my ex—never did anything like that. And when we were together . . . you treated me so well . . . I realised that I want that."

"Then let me do those things for you," there was a pleading look in his eyes.

"There's a part of me that wants you to," I said.

"But . . ." I could see him wince.

"But I don't know that I really wanted you or if I just like the idea of falling in love. Does that make sense?"

He nodded reluctantly.

"I'm sorry, Kevin," I said, half-expecting him to throw me out right there.

"So why did you come by tonight?" he asked after a long while.

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I wanted someone to share my good news with . . . And I wanted that someone to be you."

"How'd you find me?"

"Well, Kev . . . there's this thing . . . it's call the internet . . . maybe you've heard of it . . ."

We both laughed. Kevin put his arm around me and pulled me close. He kissed me on the forehead. We sat there on the couch for a long time, neither of us speaking. After a while, we changed into night clothes then curled up under a blanket to watch TV.

I appreciated that he wasn't all over me, although a part of me would have been okay with that, too. Instead, we cuddled. His arms felt so good around me. I loved listening to his heartbeat.

Eventually, I fell asleep in his arms, drooling on his shoulder. At some point, he carried me to his bedroom. Through the haze, I felt him lay me down on his bed then spoon up behind me. His strong arms enveloped me, but he never groped my body.

He brushed the hair out of my face, then kissed me on the cheek.

It may have been my imagination, but thought I heard him whispering to me.

"Melanie, what do I have to do to make you fall in love with me?"

***********

When I woke up the next morning, both of us were still fully clothed. Soft light shone through the curtains. I lay curled up with my arms wrapped around a pillow.

I blinked the sleep away and saw Kevin laying next to me. He was facing me, his eyes open. There was a longing in his gaze.

"Good morning, sleepyhead," he said softly. I returned his dreamy smile.

He reached out and caressed my cheek. As his hand ran over my skin with a delicate, feather-light touch, I turned and drew his index finger into my mouth. I smiled to myself as I saw Kevin close his eyes and bite his lip to keep from crying out.

Leaving a trail of soft kisses along his hand, I pulled him closer to me, until our lips were bare inches apart.

"I missed waking up with you," I whispered. That much was true. I've always been a snuggler. I love the feeling of another person's warm body against me. In college, the best was my gay boyfriend who used to call me a "heat-seeking missile" because I almost always ended up on top of him in the middle of the night. My ex-husband wasn't much for tenderness, but my kids love to cuddle just like me.

"And I missed falling asleep with you," he said evenly.

I missed making love with you, I thought, but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth.

As we lay there, I wondered how long he had been watching me sleep. His blue eyes were hypnotic. I could have very easily lost myself in them.

Finally, I turned and looked over at the clock. It was after ten. I never sleep in that late!

"What time do you have to go?" he asked softly. I could hear the dread in his voice.

"Not until tomorrow," I turned back and saw him at a loss for words. "I told my parents they wanted me to come back for a second interview today."

"So they don't know?"

"Nope," I snickered. "Today will be just you and me. . . . Unless you already have plans."

"I, um, nothing that I can't get out of," he stammered.

"Well, I can think of one thing you can get in to," I purred seductively.

"And what would that be?"

"Me."

With that, I pulled him to me. Whatever else he had to say was pushed to the back of his mind. I rolled over on my back and he rolled with me.

The hunger was back in his touch. My hands tugged at his clothes until his t-shirt and boxer shorts were thrown across the room. Similarly, my nightshirt and panties disappeared.

"No, Kevin," I whimpered as he went to kiss his way down my body. "I want you inside me."

I spread my legs as my old high school friend entered me slowly. I closed my eyes and moaned. My pussy was already slick with anticipation.

He bottomed out and leaned in to kiss me. Only then did I look him in the eyes.

"I've missed this," I said softly. "Make love to me, Kevin."

Our lips met again and he slowly began to pump his cock in and out of my pussy.

We made love long and slow that morning. His hands roamed over my body. Squeezing my breasts. Caressing my ass. Pinching my nipples.

But the best part was when he cupped my face and kissed me. He didn't force his tongue down my throat or knock his teeth against mine.

His lips were so soft and warm. He gave me a series of soft pecks, followed by a deep, juicy, soul-cleansing kiss that made my spine tingle.

All the while, his cock worked against the nub of my clit.

My hands went to his ass and pulled him as deep inside me as he would go. I could feel his balls pressing against me.

When we could take it no more, we both came. I could feel his warmth filling my womb. His eyes fluttered and he collapsed on top of me, even as the room started to spin.

With every ounce of my being, I tried to hold on to that feeling. You know the one: There's one person in the world you want with you all the time. All you feel is bliss. Life can't get any better. And you're as close to that special someone as you can possibly be.

***********

"My mother knows about you." I rested my head on Kevin's shoulder. His arm was still draped around me.

"What does she know?"

"She knows that we ran into each other and spent three days holed up fucking like rabbits," I giggled.

"You didn't tell her that, did you?" The look on his face was priceless.

"Of course not, silly," I snickered. "She read between the lines. Mothers have an intuition, you know."

We hadn't left his house. The morning stretched into the afternoon. In fact, we only left his bed to shower and make a quick brunch. Then we retreated under the covers. We didn't make love again, instead savouring each others's warmth.

"Does your father know?" Kevin asked hesitantly.

"I don't think so," I replied. My dad was kind of dense. And I didn't want to bring up the subject of dating with him. Not so soon after my divorce. It was bad enough that my marriage had failed, but ending up in the arms of another guy—and a white guy at that—so soon was something I didn't even want to contemplate. "What about your parents? They saw us at the airport."

"Dad wanted to know why we never went out in high school," he said softly. "And Mom thinks I'm still in love with you."

My heart skipped a beat.

"Are you?" the words were out of my mouth before I knew I had said them.

"Yes," he blurted out.

It took me a second to look into his eyes. He didn't look embarrassed or uncomfortable. He wore his heart on his sleeve. There was no pretense about him. No games. With Kevin Westcott, what you see is what you get.

And right then, I wanted him more than anything.

Only I couldn't bring myself to tell him that.

Kevin took a deep breath. "Okay, Mel. Here are all my cards: I've been in love with you since high school. You're smart and funny. When other girls would only talk to me because they wanted me to do their homework for them, you were nice to me. You're the prettiest woman I've ever seen. When I saw you in that airport six weeks ago, I felt like I was getting a second chance."

The blood started to pound through my veins.

"I think about you every night when I go to sleep," he continued. "I miss you. I miss holding you. I miss talking to you. Hell, I even missed you grinding your teeth in your sleep. I'm thirty-six years old and single, Mel. I've spent my whole life waiting for the right girl to come along and now that I've got her, I don't want to let you go. I'm successful and can provide anything you or your kids need. I know you've got other priorities in your life, but give me a chance, Melanie. Please."

"Oh, Kevin," I gasped and choked back the tears that came. It took me a second to gather my thoughts. When my breathing was under control, I tried to speak. "I've missed you, too. I was thinking about us the other day. Not 'us' together, but back when we were in high school. You were the one guy who was friends with all of the girls. We knew you weren't just trying to get into our pants. You're smart and handsome. But right now . . . I don't know."

"Why not?" he asked quietly.

"Because right now, I don't know that I want you for all the right reasons," I looked away, unable to bring myself to actually face the hurt in his eyes. "When we were in high school, I could have gotten any of you boys to do my homework for me. Not because I needed you to, but because I could. That's what I feel like I'm doing when I'm with you. I feel like I'm using you."

"Why, Mel?" Kevin whispered. "You're not using me if I let you."

"Because you deserve better than that," my voice started to quiver. He pulled me close. I wiped my eyes. "Kevin, I owe money to more people than I can count. Credit cards, my mortgage, my divorce lawyer . . . they're all after me. And I've got two kids; you do understand that they're part of the package, right? And then there's my ex-husband. Like it or not, I still have to deal with him, too."

I took a deep breath.

He smiled as if he knew something I didn't. He caressed my face again and kissed my forehead. "Melanie, you always have to be in control, don't you? Everything has to make sense?"

All I could do was nod. Fearfully.

"You always have a plan. Even when your plan falls apart, you come up with a new one," he said softly. "We were always very much alike in that way."

"So what changed for you?"

"I got swept up in something bigger than me," he replied. "Part of it was hard work. Part of it was being smart. But most of it was pure, dumb luck. When Johnny and I sold the Citadel engine right out of college, there were about four other developers marketing similar programs. Our presentation was second-rate and we were nervous as hell, but on some level we appealed to the company and they picked us. When I got a chance to look at some of our competitors, they had written better programs, but somehow, we got the contract."

Kevin paused for a second. I lifted my head off his shoulder and lay on the pillow next to him. Our eyes met.

"That's how I feel about us," he continued. "I don't know how to explain it. But something put us in that airport together. Fate, karma, whatever . . . Something bigger than us. We were meant to be together, Mel; I can feel it. Not eighteen years ago, not even last year, but now. I know you're not where you want to be in your life, but maybe it means you need to look to outside yourself for the answer."

I lay there for a second, unable to refute his argument. He was right. At least about the control thing. It's one of my flaws. That's what's been so hard about my life lately; between the divorce and unemployment, I have not been in control and that bothers me. I'm used to being self-reliant. I'm accustomed to success.

And lately, my life has been one failure after another.

Still, old habits die hard. Despite his best intentions—and the fact that Kevin is actually a whole lot smarter than me—I wasn't about to give in to my emotions and run off with him on a lark.

"I'm not ready for that right now," I whispered regretfully. "Be patient with me, Kevin. I'll come around . . . just not today."

He smiled ruefully, then unloaded one of his one-liners. "If I'd wanted patience, I'd have been a doctor."

I groaned and he started to giggle childishly. I assaulted him with a shower of tickles and playful punches.

Very soon, I found myself pulled close to him. We kissed gently.

"I'm sorry for bringing you down, Kevin," I said.

"Don't be," he replied with a sigh. I guess he understood where I was in my life just then. "I am happy you came by. You've brightened up my week."

"Look at it this way," I suggested. "I'm using you for the sex."

He laughed nervously and pulled me in for one more kiss.

"Come on," he said. "Let's get a shower and then we'll get something to eat."

"What then?"

"Some friends of mine are playing at a coffee house tonight," Kevin rolled out of bed. I followed him into the bathroom. "I told them I'd stop by for a little while."

"That sounds like fun," I stepped under the warm running water. We washed each other and were soon dressed.

All the while, I could tell that Kevin wanted to say something more. His touch was suddenly tentative. It was as if he were holding back now. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was.

I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too. We both knew it. I was basically asking him to "wait around" for me while I got my shit together. I had no right to do that to him. It wasn't fair.

It seems so . . . so . . . high school, doesn't it? Here I was, thirty-six years old and still stringing boys along. Only this time, it wasn't just any boy, it was Kevin Westcott. The one guy in our class who was not only decent to all the girls, but even good, to us . . . to me.

We went out to dinner. Neither of us spoke much. We held hands in the car.

All the while, I felt as if a wall was going up between us. It was my own damn fault, too. Was this really how I wanted my relationship with Kevin to be?

Over and over, I asked myself the same thing.

What are you afraid of, Melanie?

***********

"Can I show you something?" I asked.

"Sure," he replied.

Ever so slowly, I lowered my body on to Kevin. His cock stuck straight up in the air. My labia spread as he entered me.

I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming. After several months of abstinence, having a real live cock inside me felt heavenly. That it was attached to someone who was ready to fall in love with me only made it that much better.

My pussy was slick from Kevin's considerable oral talents. If they were still awake, I'm sure his neighbours heard me praying because I called out God's name a lot. Or at least praising Kevin's technique.

When I had taken about three quarters of his length, I stopped. His eyes fluttered open. His hands went to my hips, as if to pull me all the way down on him.

"No," I said as he started to thrust his hips up. I gave his cock a good squeeze with my vaginal muscles. He smiled wickedly. "Can you feel that, Kevin? Can you feel how deep you are inside me? That's as far as Kenzo could go. He wasn't as long or as thick as you are."

Just as a man can never tell a woman how beautiful she is, a woman can never tell a man that his dick is too big. Or that any of her other lovers were smaller than him. Yeah, sometimes it may be a lie, but it still feels good to hear the words, doesn't it?

We both gasped as I lowered myself all the way down. I began to grind my hips against him.

"And that means you are in virgin territory now, Kev," I brushed the hair out of my face and smiled. "No one has ever been as deep inside me as you are right now."

"Tell me that no one else ever will," he whispered.

"Kevin, I can't—"

"Mel, you don't have to mean it," a pained look flashed across his eyes. "Just tell me."

I leaned over and kissed him. After listening to his friend play at the coffee house, we returned to his place. I was leaving in the morning. Tonight would be our last night together. For how long, neither of us knew.

He carried me to his bedroom then undressed me slowly. We took turns going down on each other before I rolled him on to his back and mounted him.

"What was that last song your friends played?" I asked. He looked confused. Kevin's friends were very talented. They played a good mix of acoustic music, from original tunes to popular songs. After the show, he introduced me. There were a few raised eyebrows, but everyone was nice and they didn't give him too much of a hard time for bringing a date. "Was it one of theirs or a cover?"

"It was a Melissa Etheridge song," he said quietly.

"You know the words." It wasn't really a question. "Sing it for me."

"In front of total strangers won't you kiss me," Kevin's voice is one of his hidden talents. He was never in the school chorus, but he really can carry a tune. "Flowers for no reason but you miss me. Oh-oh-oh—"

"I want to be in love," my voice joined in with his in an awkward harmony.

Kevin's eyes got wide. My lips went to his and I gave him as passionate a kiss as I could muster. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me close.

Finally, I pulled back, letting him see me naked and exposed for him.

His eyes predictably locked on to my chest, but his gaze managed to work its way up until we were looking into each others's eyes.

"Yes, Kevin," I knew what he was thinking. "I want to be in love with you, but I don't know . . . I'm not ready."

He brushed the hair out of my face. His eyes seemed to bore right into me. I could have fallen for him right then.

But I didn't.

I pulled his face into my chest. Partly because I knew how much he liked by breasts. Partly because if I didn't have to look him in the eyes, I could stave off my feelings for just a little bit longer.