I Want You To Know I'm Watching

Note to self: when Lauren gets back, I have to instruct her to burn this diary if I ever accidentally kick the bucket. I can't bear the thought of laying helplessly in my grave while my family inherits all my things and stumbles upon a strange black notebook... This is officially now something no one can ever read!

(Except when David and I finally hook up someday and I can share excerpts of my diary with him while taking a romantic gondola ride through the canals of Venice.)

SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2018:

Embarrassingly, I woke up today naked with a teddy bear and a vibrator by my side. I've done worse, I guess.

Nevertheless, my state happened to be convenient, as I was still in a naughty mood after some pretty intense dreams. I curled up under my sheets, feeling them softly move against my naked body as I slid my fingers between my legs, still working through the frenzy that David had driven me into for days now. I spread myself open, then circled my clit, journeying back to what I had witnessed last night, unable to let it go, still suffering the intense arousal of my new, taboo habit.

Then, it happened.

The single most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life...

I threw some clothes on and walked out into the living room, making my way through the kitchen, toward the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I passed the kitchen table, I noticed a white piece of note paper sitting there, weighted down with a salt shaker. I panicked, not knowing why David would have left me a note, but immediately assumed it was bad.

The note simply read: "Hi Kim, I decided to go into the lab today. BTW, I think you fell asleep last night before disconnecting from the web cam. That little green light is pretty bright! It kept me up all night... Just a reminder to shut it off before you go to bed next time... - David". He even followed it with a cute little winking face that's permanently etched into my mind.

FUUUUUUUUUCK. I nearly died right then and there. I've never been more mortified! I mean, Jesus! I was watching this guy jerking off for two nights in a row! He knew the whole time! Ugh.

I spent the day obsessing about what he must think of me. I mean... if I were him, I'd probably have called the police! I decided there was no way I could look at him, ever again. This afternoon I went out to a bar and tried to find some excuse to not even come home. Jun was supposed to join me, and I needed the distraction, but she had something come up at the last minute. I was sitting there, after I don't know how many drinks, realizing that I never even removed the fucking web cam from his room. I just left it there, as if I was ready for round three. Too late for that, I guess.

Anyway, I couldn't stay out forever so I went home with no real plan for damage control... but it was weird. He greeted me happily, like nothing happened. At first I thought maybe he didn't know if I saw his note yet, but then I realized that I had put the salt shaker back on top of the microwave earlier, and left the note in a different position. I eventually calmed down a little bit when I realized he wasn't going to kill me.

Finally, I just said something like, "Uh... about that..." and then I apologized. I'm sure he could see how absolutely embarrassed I was, but he was actually really nice about it.

At first he sort of sheepishly said, "Um... April Fool's? I... uh... knew all along...?"

As much as I appreciated his shrugging it off with a joke, I still reassured him that it was wrong, and that it wouldn't happen again. But he just comforted me and said he didn't mind. He seemed nervous... but flattered I guess? Maybe I would have been, if I were him? I don't know.

I'm so confused...

MONDAY, APRIL 2, 2018:

Tonight I asked David not once, but twice, if he was going to bed. Why did I do that? Am I stupid? He got this hopeful look on his face, thinking that I was being impatient and wanted to watch him again. I didn't mean it that way! Frankly, I don't know how I meant it. I felt so stupid watching him race to brush his teeth and hurry to his room.

And then, like an idiot, I avoided my computer at all costs, no longer able to bring myself to watch him, knowing that he knows I'm there. But I DO want him to know that I'm watching.

David, I want you to know that I'm there, that I enjoy every minute of it. How you suffer under the weight of your own unrequited passions like I do. How you feel the desperate longing for a warm body. How you can't help but secretly lead yourself into a world of pleasure because, sadly, you have no one to do that for you.

I want you to know how I carry you with me all day, in my mind, under my skin, in the sudden reflections of car windows as I pass by. Your lips on my neck, your hand cupping my breast, your fingers slipping down between my legs. Your ghost clings to my body. You're a phantom presence haunting me day in and day out that I can't seem to escape.

I want you to know how I live you with, breathe with you, dream with you, day after day, night after night. How you helplessly hold me in your grasp. How when we share simple moments together doing chores, or picking up groceries, I feel like dropping everything right then and there and expressing how I feel with a few simple words or a deep kiss.

Isn't there somehow you can just know this, so that I don't have to struggle to tell you? So we can skip past the awkward part and just get on to our future status as legendary lovers that they will write about for years after we're gone?

Can't just once it be that easy?

I'm sitting here writing a morning entry for once-- not thinking about my embarrassment over what happened yesterday, not thinking about how much of an idiot he must think I am, not grateful that he didn't call the police.

I am simply feeling REGRET.

Why didn't I keep my mouth shut? Why did I insist it would never happen again? Why didn't I poke and prod him a little bit more to uncover how he feels about me, just in case there's something really there?

I want everything to go back to normal, to go back to my computer tonight and watch him. And not just watch him, but watch him without the crushing weight of fear and guilt. I want to enjoy it, and for him to enjoy it, knowing that I'm there. I just want to connect, even if I have to accept the fake, virtual reality of it all. I just don't want to be alone with this.

TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2018:

I don't know what to say about today... but I do know where to begin, because anything that happened prior to this evening doesn't really matter anymore...

I feel like time now needs to be divided into BD (before David) and AD (after David). After what just happened, I feel like I'm a new person.

It all started when I told him I was going to bed. As I was saying it, I realized how awkward it has become, especially after last night when I led him astray-- when I let him think I would be there watching, but then just abandoned him. I wasn't sure if he was upset, hurt, confused, or what. And now I didn't really know how he would interpret me simply saying goodnight.

Almost an hour passed, and I was sitting in the dark at my computer, glassy-eyed and browsing the web as usual, despite being sleepy. The whole time I was completely oblivious to my fatal mistake-- sitting down there in the dock at the bottom of the screen, the last remnant of my voyeuristic plans, back in a purer time, before I was caught red-handed. The innocent little icon for the web cam app was just sitting there, waiting to be clicked, slowly luring my cursor with its gravitational pull.

I didn't want to click it. It just happened. Somehow, as if it were already a force of habit, despite all that just happened, despite telling him I'd never do it again, I brought David streaming right back into my bedroom.

Worse, when the screen popped up, I saw him quickly glance over, no doubt surprised by the appearance of that infernal green dot that gave me away. He stared at it, at me, and I just sat there dumbly, staring back. I thought, "Why am I still fucking watching this??" I mean, I was basically sitting there ready to watch him masturbate again, and TELLING HIM I WANTED TO.

As it finally sunk in what I just did, I started to panic. I was like, "No, no, no-- wait! I didn't mean to do that!" but of course he couldn't hear or see me. And that's when everything changed. With a simple smile and a wave, he made clear that he was happy to see me; or my dot, that is. He seemed relieved, in fact. And, you know what? Suddenly I was too. Suddenly, weirdly, I was elated.

Smirking, David raised a finger for a moment, as if to tell me to wait a moment. So I sat there quietly with my hands in my lap, cautiously attentive. He clicked around on Lauren's computer for a few seconds, and lo and behold, he brought up some porn to watch. He glanced back over at the camera.

"Yep, still here," I thought. Then he stood up and began to take off his underwear.

I couldn't believe what was happening. He thought I was asking him to put on a show! I started to laugh. His penis flopped out and he sat back down. He grinned over at me, as if he could tell that I was grinning back at him. I was. My eyes were glued to the video stream as he began to slowly stroke himself, his cock quickly coming to life and standing at attention. I relaxed into my chair myself, slipping my hand into my panties, finding myself now eagerly prepared to join in.

And silly me, I thought it would stop there. With the two of us pleasuring ourselves, forever wondering what it might be like if there were no boundaries anymore, if they all just came crashing down. I moaned softly, my heart aching for his touch, his real, present and unimagined touch. Then, just like that, as if reading my mind, he stopped and looked thoughtfully at the web cam.

David got up and vanished from the frame. I started shaking the moment I heard the soft creek of his door opening on the other side of the apartment. My heart pounded as I heard his steps move softly across the living room, drawing nearer. There he was, crossing the room, completely naked. His erect penis swinging about in the very room we spent most of the evening together in. Our private little bedroom fantasy world was suddenly, inexplicably breached.

I was like, "Is this really happening?" I had been watching him jerk off. He knew it all along. Ha-ha. The joke's on both of us. But now things were supposed to return to normal. Back to my sad life.

Instead, no. I could literally hear him coming over to my room. Naked. No clothes on. Big fucking you-know-what between his legs, no doubt making its presence known. I didn't know what to do. I was only in my t-shirt and panties myself.

I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard a soft knock at my bedroom door. "Yes?" I said, like a moron, as if I didn't know who it was.

"Kim... would you like to... skip the web cam altogether, tonight?" he whispered.

Despite the scandalous nature of what he was suggesting, his voice still seemed so polite, so obliging, so gentle and caring. Somehow, as if operating on auto-pilot, I managed to open the door a crack and peek out. I found him standing there, bare-chested. I couldn't bear to look down...

I could feel my voice quiver as I blurted out, "Okay." Then I opened the door wider and he walked inside. I finally looked down and, yep, there was his boner, as beautiful and perfect as I imagined it would be in person. He seemed nervous and shy about it, on account of me gawking at it. I wondered if he was second guessing this. If he was afraid he'd gone too far, and would ruin everything. Suddenly I wanted to comfort him, sensing how anxious he was.

He sat trembling at the edge of my bed, staring at me with wide eyes. I sat beside him, feeling like I was about to faint. I swear, we just sat there looking down at his penis together, stranding upright in his lap, both as embarrassed as the other! I couldn't help but laugh, and then he laughed too. Thank God, we both relaxed just a little at least. He apologized in case he had made me uncomfortable. I quickly dismissed his concern, but didn't exactly know what to do. I mean, I couldn't even believe this was happening.

I guess I shouldn't blame him for approaching me. I basically invited him to ask me what's up. And let's be honest, this is what I wanted to happen. But if I wanted it to happen, why was I so scared shitless? I thought, "Why can't I just let this happen?" but instead I said, "I'm sorry I was so curious."

Poor David almost stuttered when he responded, saying, "That's okay, it's fine to be curious." He stood up briefly, lifted his arms to either side, and slowly did a 360, to show me all of his body. "Besides, I'm also really curious about you..." Ugh. He was adorably innocent, but he looked like he was going to hyperventilate. Then again, so was I.

I couldn't believe I was about to act on his curiousness about my body, that I would share it with him the way he had done for me. I saw him take a hard swallow, staring at me with wide eyes, as I rose from the bed. Still, I could feel my nervousness slowly being overtaken by excitement and a strange desire to be free and open about all of it, finally.

I fumbled for the base of my t-shirt, unable to look away from him. As I slowly lifted it away from my body, I felt a cool draft of air sail upward and swirl past my breasts. With a shiver, I pulled it up over my head. Before I could see his expression, I could feel the loose swing of my naked breasts, now revealed to him. My head popped through the opening of my shirt and I saw David gazing at my dark nipples, mesmerized by their soft bounce as my breasts settled into place.

Admittedly, I am pretty busty, and I secretly like to think that guys notice. David, without a doubt, was into them. It's as if guys regress to childhood when they see a pair of boobs, desperate to bury their faces in them and suckle. I wanted to laugh. It's exciting to observe someone that turned on by the mere sight of your body. I suddenly felt empowered. I felt in control of this, actively choosing what I wanted to happen between us. I rarely ever feel that way around guys.

The moment he instinctively glanced down, knowing what was next, I grew nervous again. I'm far more self-conscious about that area. Nevertheless, I grabbed hold of my panties and prepared to do something I hadn't done in front of a guy in a long time. I slid them down to the floor, then feeling self-conscious about my breasts swinging forward, stood quickly back up and clenched my teeth. David gazed down at my hairy crotch with utter fascination. But a good fascination.

I quickly took a seat by his side, tapping my bare foot on the floor, unsure what would come next. Apparently he knew, saying, "I'll sit here, and you can sit over there..."

I watched David sit back against a pile of throw pillows at the end of my bed, violating Alessandro's domain. I sat at the other end. Cautious but excited smiles began to slowly infiltrate our otherwise nervous expressions. Somehow I got myself to lean back as well, sliding my legs apart. I watched his eyes moving lower. It's intimidating, being spread eagle in bed for a guy to jerk off to. But holy fuck, is it also exciting to see how much it gets him off!

David began stroking himself, slowly at first, then a little faster. I began circling my clit, already on my way to becoming a hot mess. We both started chuckling. It started to dawn on both of us what we were actually doing-- masturbating together, not in secret, not in shame, not hiding in our rooms while trying to be as quiet as a mouse. Really going at it, in front of each other!

I could tell how wild I was making him, gazing at the gentle dance of my boobs, glancing down at my fingers as they skated diagonally across my clit. I watched him tugging at his penis, gawking at the way his balls bounced about in the process. Soon I could smell his heady, mildly spicy scent. I don't know what it is about the smell of a guy's cock when he's aroused... I drives me crazy. I wondered if he could smell me too, if he recognized that scent from my secret tryst with his pillow.

I made the bold move to slide over and sit beside him. The close proximity of our naked, aroused bodies was electrifying. I don't know which of us leaned in first, but suddenly we were kissing. Whenever I kiss a guy like that I feel like our tongues are thumb wrestling and I have to resist the urge to laugh.

Next, he dared to reach up and cup my breasts, sliding his soft hands over them, then pausing as if surprised by the hardness of my excited nipples. I decided to go for it, too. I just reached down and grasped David's cock. I felt him flinch briefly and then relax. I gave him a gentle squeeze and felt his erect penis surging in my hand, like a beating heart.

I felt myself becoming increasingly wet, and as if on cue, David's hands slid down over my boobs, down the side of my body, and toward my inner thighs. I tensed up when I felt his fingers running delicately over my soft pubic hair, then stiffen and glide smoothly over my labia. He looked up at me and we just gazed at each other for a few moments, as he began to slowly stroke my pussy.

I was sure he could feel my heart racing, my body trembling, my eyes darting left and right, searching for the subtle cues of his affection. And then he surprised me by not begging me to pleasure him. He begged to pleasure ME, basically telling me how badly he wanted to express his feelings and make me understand how much my mere presence had made him suffer these recent days.

David laid me back. He softly caressed my body. He made me feel safe and adored. He planted kisses everywhere, in places that few people have ever seen, let alone touched. And then he slowly lifted my knees, moving them apart, drawing closer and closer to the most intimate part of my body, as I quivered in anticipation of his next, and most erotic kiss.

I cannot overstate just HOW much better it feels to have your pussy eaten by a cute guy, rather than a precocious stuffed bear. (Who's STILL fucking watching me, btw!) Moreover, David's overwhelming affections and urgent desire to lead me to a place of unbounded pleasure left me beginning to revise my initial understanding about which one of us was really the longed for and which was doing the longing.

His tongue frantically explored my body, navigating my delicate, slippery flesh, teasing and tugging at me until my own body felt like it was humming just like my trusty vibe. He circled and coaxed my clit, tormenting me with his refusal to go in for the kill. I felt myself spinning, unraveling, losing my mind, until he began to flick his tongue across my hard nub and set me on fire with a burning lust.

David plunged a finger inside my body, driving it deep into my satiny depths while sweeping the tip of his tongue over my sensitive clit. Each time it emerged from my body it revealed the excesses of my pleasure, thickly coated and glistening with my cum. I felt weak, succumbing to this unexpected, erotic thrill, focused on the curiosity of his lips and tongue until could stand no more and begged him to stop, to give me a chance to catch my breath.

He rose from my crotch, wiping his glistening chin, revealing just how much I must have been gushing in his mouth. We both laughed. It was a joyous laugh, a laugh full of surprise and emotion. Then we embraced, desperate to feel our bodies press together, desperate for both our lips and minds to connect. I know it's weird, but I realized how much I love to taste my own pussy on a guy's lips, to experience just how wet he had made me.

David gave me the most adorable, wild look. I knew what he wanted. I wanted what he wanted. I wanted him to take that beautiful cock of his and find it a new home. I wanted nothing less than to feel him inside me, filling me deeply, completely, in a fit of passion that we'd have to spend all night recovering from.