I Was a Teenaged Metahuman Ch. 01

"Why do you care about azaleas?"

"When my dad was around we had them all over our yard, his dad, too. I used to love helping tend them. Grandpa used to say, 'The best feeling in the world is to care for something smaller than you.'" He fought off the usual wave of sadness that hit him when he thought about this. "He took me to the festival every year. Grandpa got an award for his, but I don't remember what it was. It was a long time ago."

She patted his arm sympathetically, "Let me think about it, okay?"

He knew what that meant.

She added, "And where are your friends, anyway?"

"They've got girlfriends."

"So?"

"When a high school senior gets a girlfriend, that's it. It's over. He's with her constantly, now and forever, until they break up. Until then he has no friends. We eat lunch together maybe once a week if I'm lucky."

"That's kind of harsh."

"Yeah. So anyway, happy birthday."

*

Azalea Festival

The next week he was walking up the school hallway when he saw Felice talking to some guy he didn't know. He was tall and handsome with a confident smile and expensive clothes. When he leaned in to kiss her, she didn't object like she had with Max, and despite comments from their nearby friends, it went on and on.

That's him, he thought. I guess that's it for me.

*

Felice's message read: why does my mom want ur number wtf.

He replied: prob more yardwork.

Then he got another text from an unrecognized number. Hi Max it's Valerie. Checked out the Azalea Festival and it looks like fun! Still want to go?

Felice texted him as well. wat did u tell her?

He texted Valerie to accept and immediately his phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hi Max," said Valerie.

"Hey! Going to the festival, huh? What time can I pick you up?"

"I've seen your car. We should take mine."

"No, I insist," he said firmly.

They took her car. This was advantageous for two reasons: the first was she picked him up, preventing him having to talk to Felice, who had gone into Super Paranoia Mode and was convinced that her mother had conned her, Felice's, darkest sexual secrets out of the unsophisticated Max. The second was of course excellent gas mileage.

They were driving to the festival when Max started to get texts from Felice.

Where r u going with my mom

wtf dude

is this why u didnt ask me out

WAT U TELL HER

"Who is that?" asked Valerie, unable to ignore his phone's constant buzzing.

He wanted to tell her but kept his mouth shut to protect Felice's privacy. Unfortunately, that made it obvious who it was.

"Is she freaking out?" she asked.

"I guess so."

"What's the story with you two?"

"Well she's worried you're going to trick me into giving up all her privacy."

"Hah! I already did that! Remember when I told you mothers and daughters talk? Well that was an exaggeration. She hadn't told me what you two did. You did!"

"Oh, no!"

"Yeah, busted," she grinned, taking a moment to pass an SUV. "So you can be straight with me. C'mon, you don't have to give details."

"Nah, I'm good."

Instead of pressing, she simply eyed him coolly while she devised another angle of approach. Or so he thought. All she did was to simply lean over and switch on the radio.

After ten miles of Led Zeppelin he was ready to crack.

"All I will say is this: She likes some other guy. She lets him kiss her in the hall at school but not me, but when we get together it's like we're boyfriend and girlfriend."

He eyed her grimly and said, "This leads to but one conclusion: I am just her plaything."

He braced for laughter and was utterly unprepared to see her wince on his behalf. She put a hand on his knee. "Oh, Max, I'm so sorry."

"She's not having sex with me and I wonder if she is with the other guy. And if there's more than one other guy. I'm sorry, I know she's your daughter. But if she's dating two guys..."

"You can wonder, but don't you dare accuse. Understand?"

"Okay."

She gave him a sympathetic look, "And it's understandable to wonder."

"Thank you."

Primly, she added, "And if you don't mind me saying so, It sounds like it's been very challenging for you."

"You mean it sucks."

"I do."

He grabbed a handful of his hair and released it. "And the worst thing is that she's done nothing wrong. I have no moral high ground or anything. She didn't lead me on and didn't lie. This is all just me, being an idiot."

The festival was much bigger than they expected, overtaking almost the entire town. You actually had to work a little to see azaleas, as the rest of it was dominated by the usual county fair-style attractions such as concessions, exotic fried foods, a marathon, live music and pig racing, to name just a few of the attractions.

*

Standing in line for a shaved ice, she told him a story about her own brief spell working in a county fair after she moved out of her home.

"It's not really as dangerous as people make it out to be. As long as you travel in groups you're safe from the other carnies and the rubes. Some of us working the games of skill kind of banded together."

"Which one did you do?"

"A few different ones. My favorite was the bb gun game: Star Shooter."

"Oh my god! I feel like I'm talking to a celebrity! You shoot the star out of the paper, right?"

"That's the idea," she replied.

"I suck at that game!"

"Of course you do, it's rigged."

*

Outside the Beer Wagon, while she sipped gratefully at another pilsner, he told her about his friends. "Vayden is a mister business, get rich quick, work all day and party all night kind of guy. Lynwood is a little more awkward but he's smart as hell. He'll invent a device to rule the world one day, and then Vayden will steal it, dumb it down, and make millions off it."

"And what about you?"

"I don't know. I'm the guy who's always reading or working in the yard."

"You're the charismatic one," she said.

"No." Then, "You think?"

"Definitely. You're a charmer."

"Not charming enough, apparently." He started thinking of Felice again. He had to stop that!

She favored him with a worldly smile, and the tip of the beer bottle resting against her lips made Max have to look away. "Don't beat yourself up. Girls her age don't know what's good for them."

"Then what hope is there for me?"

She stared at him for a while but when he didn't speak further, she laughed and pushed his arm just like Felice did.

*

She dragged him into a big tent, where outside was advertised The Amazing Armadillo Man.

They sat on folding chairs on grass. A guy stepped onto the raised stage and gave them an intro, then out came the Amazing Armadillo Man who, according to his emcee, was indestructible.

He looked like he was wearing a dry khaki lobster suit, and it didn't seem comfortable. However any idea that he was in costume were banished when Max looked closer and saw the flakes around the edges of the chitinous panels, powdery dryness in the seams. With those clumsy-looking, two-fingered hands, the guy would have to use a tool to scratch himself.

He was tough, though. The emcee beat, stabbed, and burned the Amazing Armadillo to no effect.

"My great-uncle was a metahuman," Max said. "He could teleport, but only about a foot or so."

"What good is that?"

"He used it to keep farts from following him."

*

At the vast and enchanting beds of bright flowers, Max couldn't resist taking out his phone and photographing them. It only took a few frames before he was including Valerie as well. She posed for several pics, then raised her own phone, and they couldn't help giggling and making silly faces as they took pictures of each other taking pictures of each other.

*

The sun had just set when they got to the head of the Ferris Wheel line. The operator was saying, "Right this way folks. Sir, hold on tight to your girlfriend as we buckle up... there."

Max didn't mention it and she didn't either, at first. However he'd done the reading and understood enough to know that their failure to mention anything was significant.

She broached the subject. "I didn't correct that guy down there," she said from atop the wheel, gazing at the spectacle of the town spread out below them and the clouds gloriously floating above.

"Be honest," he said slyly, also knowing this about her. "It felt good that he thought you looked so young."

"Well... Yeah." She grinned so hard. "That's why I didn't correct him. But why didn't you?"

He loved the way the fading sun painted the scene. If he were an artist he would capture the moment. "It felt good, that someone thought I was in your league," he said.

"You are so sweet," she said, and surprised him with a kiss on the cheek.

*

"Hey," said Valerie over another beer, "I thought of a superhero name for your great-uncle."

"What?"

"The Crop Duster!"

*

They were staggering off the tilt-a-whirl, breathless from laughter and leaning on each a little more than was strictly necessary, when Valerie did that jerky body-spasm thing that meant her phone was going off in her pocket. She pulled it out and with a look of mild exasperation, answered it.

"Hi, Honey!"

"I'm at a festival so no, I can't turn it down." She pressed a finger to her other ear.

She said, "Well, of course he is. Who else do you know who likes azaleas?"

Max would have given anything to be able to hear what she was saying, and in a flash of insight he imagined he could hear Felice on the other end saying, with acid in her voice, "Is this some kind of mid-life crisis thing?"

"I'm afraid you have the wrong idea, Honey," replied her mother. She was speaking calmly for his benefit, and it was having the opposite effect in Felice.

"Then help me understand why my mom would go out on a date with my boyfriend," Felice would be saying.

Valerie's eyebrows climbed, as did Max's. She looked warily at Max and turning away, lowered her voice. "Your boyfriend? Did you tell him that?"

He could almost hear the tone of Felice's voice. "That's none of your business. Mom, what are you doing? You are weirding me out!"

"What's the problem here, Honey? He's a fun guy and he's been a perfect gentleman." Valerie smiled as she said this and eyed him appreciatively.

"Ugh! Why are you doing this to me!"

This pushed Valerie's patience a bit too much, and Max felt his own blood simmer in sympathy. She turned her back on him and ducked her head to say privately, "He told me you weren't exclusive. Is this true?"

"That's none of your—" Felice started to exclaim but she was cut off.

"Is it true?" she demanded.

"Yes, but—"

"Then what's your damage, Honey? The poor guy's into you and you could care less! You're just stringing him along in case things don't work out with Rich-y Nick!"

"I am not!"

"You just got back from a date with the other guy. So don't accuse me of impropriety when I'm just having a nice time with a friend."

"Aaaaaargh!" growled Felice. "Stay away from him!"

"How was the pool party, Felice? Did you have a nice time swimming and frolicking in the sun with Rich-y Nick?"

"Don't call him that! Dammit! Why can't you just be a normal mom?"

"I am perfectly normal. And watch your language, young lady."

"Ugh!" complained Felice, and hung up.

Valerie took a few deep breaths to calm herself before turning back to Max.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"Don't ever have a teenage daughter," she replied wearily.

He was thoughtful for a moment. "Look, I don't want our friendship to strain your relationship with Felice. I know family is important."

She tossed her head as if shaking off a buzzing fly, her eyes fierce. "How noble of you," she said sarcastically.

Stung, he held up his hands, palm-out. If he hadn't been in a strange town he'd have just left. Instead he claimed a need for a restroom break and abruptly walked off.

He found a spot near the port-a-johns where he could sit and try to make sense of what was going on. His phone buzzed and he looked at it. A text from Felice: why are u trying to date my mom u jerk? dont call me anymore.

His eyes prickled a little but that was it, thankfully. He was a pawn in some fucked-up power struggle.

Bitterly, he texted her back. I thought we had something special but I was just ur side piece.

Immediately he felt stupid and wished he could un-send the message.

And he sat, and brooded, and awaited a reply that didn't come and tried to make sense of his situation.

No, he realized, he wasn't trying to make sense of it. It was plain enough. He was just trying to reinterpret events in a way that made him feel better. Ultimately, he decided, it was better to hang on to the truth no matter how it hurts.

But there was a glimmer of light here: he had a friend who was fun to be around. He got up to find her and saw her standing nearby, watching him with patient compassion.

He waggled his phone dejectedly. "She dumped me."

"Oh, Honey," said Valerie, and gave him a hug with plenty of comforting back-pats. "Are you okay?"

"Is the other guy really rich?"

"What makes you think he's rich?"

"You called him Rich-y Nick," he said.

"How much of our conversation did you hear?"

"I heard all of it," he said, realizing that was unusual and also creepy.

"You have really good hearing!"

"I'm sorry. You have a right to privacy. Next time I'll hum or something."

She gave him a sympathetic look and patted his shoulder. "You poor guy. You need ice cream. And no, you shouldn't listen in on people's conversations."

They went to a concession stand and walked away with sugar cones loaded with chocolate, tinking them together like wine glasses. "To freedom," she said with a smile, and he couldn't help a tremulous smile of his own.

"Freedom," he said, trying to shake it off.

"She can be such a jerk sometimes," she said. "We were having such a nice time."

"C'mon, let's walk it off. The gardens are over here."

They strolled through the rows of spectacular blooms and he started to feel better. They watched the pigs race and the ducklings go down the waterslide and after a few prize-winning livestock displays they decided to call it a day.

He drove while Valerie metabolized her alcohol. After a few minutes in the warm car she began to doze, and Max couldn't help but glance over at her, admiring the smooth line of her hips and her full bosom, her fine features framed by dark, brassy hair. Her lips were fuller than Felice's, and the extra years had made her seem not worn but just...

Comfortable.

Optimized.

Experienced.

She would be soft, he suspected. Probably a little aggressive. She'd know things about lovemaking that a guy his age couldn't dream of. He didn't think she dated much, so she was probably overdue for companionship.

The thought made his own companionship start to swell in his pants so he stopped stealing glances at her. Once it had subsided, however, his eyes couldn't help but roam and delight in the view, causing more swelling which he reduced by averting his gaze once more.

As his physical reaction began to wane, he was suddenly struck by a powerful and alien thought: Too bad his dick is so small. Immediately this was followed by another thought: I haven't been laid in too long.

His face reddened and he turned his full attention to the road. He didn't dare glance over at Valerie until he'd completely subsided, which took them almost to the edge of their county.

When at last he did look back at her, she was watching him through half-lidded eyes.

"Did you say something?" he asked.

"No, why?"

"I thought... Nevermind." What had that been! He was so horny he was hallucinating!

They drove the rest of the way making innocuous small talk, and then stopped in front of his house.

"This was awesome," he said.

"It was. Thanks for inviting me. I'm really glad I came."

He leaned over the seat to give her a hug, then got out of the car with her perfume and the faint, unforgettable aroma of her sweat in his nose. He whistled as he walked to his front door.

* * * * *

Any resemblance to persons living, dead, or wandering the Astral Plane is purely coincidental and frankly, kind of funny. If you like this story, please vote. If you want to make the author's whole day, leave a comment.

* * * * *