I Was Cured

"I wanted to impress Laima and try out my Testonian to ask if she could suggest some fun places to go. Given my very limited vocabulary I simplified the question to "Where can we go for fun?" Please correct me Laima but I recall that I said

"Wo et nus vido per gudos?"

Laima nodded so I went on, "Last night the Google translation came back with"

"Where can we go for a good time?"

"A little suggestive perhaps, but given that Laima was talking to a non-native speaker I'm sure she would have made allowances. What tipped the scales was that there are apparently two forms of 'we', one which means 'you and me only' and another that, as in English can also apply to other people who may or may not be present. Not knowing that there were two forms I used the former 'nus' which now explained the look of revulsion on Laima's face. Even though I had no idea why, since it was obvious I had offended her I apologized and bade a hasty retreat. I tried a second time with a slightly modified question but since at the time I didn't know about different forms of us I made the same fatal mistake again."

A very pale looking Laima stood silently while my Nellie appeared to be lost in thought trying to take it all in.

"The only thing I was guilty of was unintentionally offending Laima with my poor language skills."

Neither woman said anything so I continued, "Now, probably the most interesting thing I discovered last night was that a contestant to-be in this little race has the right to contest the evidence put forth by his sponsors, who usually is the aggrieved wife but in my case it is the both of you."

"All good citizens of this town know this rule and would challenge any false claim immediately so there is no need for an official review of the evidence. A very backwards practice in my opinion but no more so than the whole race thing itself. All you have to do is submit your evidence to the town council and arrange for a race date. I of course was unaware of my rights and was given no chance to exercise them ANYWAY!" I barked, making both women jump.

I then looked straight at Laima and for the first time lost my cool. "You rushed this through knowing full well that I WOULD NOT and COULD NOT contest it. Whether guilty or innocent you ensured that I would suffer in the place of your cheating ex-boyfriend Josun who never got caught. Every boyfriend you have had since has been followed and photographed but all you have is a thousands of innocent pictures and a stomach full of bile. Your private Facebook entries make for a very disturbing read." I spat. "Isn't that the way it went down Lamia? ... Laima?" .... She averted my eyes and nodded.

Laima nervously started to back away. "Please stay Laima. Believe me, you will really want to hear what I have to say next." She came back but still did not meet my eyes.

"How did you know?" asked a very worried Laima.

"That will all become clear soon, but I'm not done yet."

I continued, "Apparently, should a sponsor submit weak or insufficient evidence of adultery then a fine of 10,000 Zlobani is levied against the sponsor and paid to the accused party. I imagine any member of COUNCIL with two working eyeballs will find your evidence to be both WEAK and INSUFFICIENT."

"But I don't want your money Laima, and my wife's money is my money anyway so I'm not going to go there."

Both ladies started breathing again, realizing that I was going to let them off the hook.

"However, and this is where it gets good!" I said pausing to get a reading on the faces of the two women in front of me. "The law further states that should evidence be falsified then it is a serious Federal crime and the punishment is far more severe."

Laima knew exactly what the punishments were and broke down completely. Her voice was ragged and words were almost unintelligible. "Please, Vito. I beg you. I can't. ... Noooh, please don't, please!!"

Nellie stood frozen to the spot nervously regarding her new friend and confidant collapse in front of her, not knowing where this was going but knowing it wasn't good.

Once Laima realized that I wasn't going to be swayed by her pleas I went on to explain to Nellie that punishment was for the sponsors to perform the competition for their own gender followed by a year in jail for every item of evidence found to be falsified or every lie told.

Nellie's mouth opened wide in shock then she started to sob.

"I don't know how much you know about the female competition Nellie but it is a series of events where the contestants earn points. The more points you earn the easier it will be on you in the final round. I'll let Laima tell you the rest, but my favorite event is the 'Circle of Cunnilingus' where the women lay on the ground with one leg raised on a stool, all connected face to pussy. The goal is to make the women your face is buried in to climax as quickly as possible. When a women cums she has to leave the circle and is awarded a point for every woman she has previously given an orgasm to. When I saw the video I couldn't believe how much squishing and slurping could be heard!"

"But I'm not a lesbian!" cried Nellie.

"That's okay my dear, they are very progressive about such things here and do not discriminate based on sexuality so straight women can compete too!" I said with mock glee, trying to keep a straight face.

"The last event is sick in the extreme and one that mirrors the potential for loss of testicles in the men's race. While it is certainly not life threatening, let's just say there are different types of life-long physical changes made according to the number of points you have acquired."

When both ladies had calmed down somewhat I reminded them that this would only happen if I asked for a review of my evidence. "So, in exchange for my not turning you both in I want you to do something for me."

Both Nellie and Laima eagerly agreed to my substitute penance until I reminded them that I hadn't told them what it was. "I will let you know what it will entail after I get back from the hospital." And with that I turned and slowly walked towards the shade.

Before I got six feet away I heard Laima ask Nellie how I knew everything that I did so I spun back around. "Why don't you tell Laima what I do for a living Nellie?"

"He's an IT network security consultant, and he probably spent most of last night looking all this stuff up," Nellie despondently replied.

I nodded and added, "And a damn good one too or I wouldn't have been able to keep Nellie here in the lifestyle that she thinks she deserves. I should say that both your Facebook accounts were trivial to hack and the town's council servers were not much better. A large part of what I did was very illegal so you won't hear me say that again, but let's just say it was also very fruitful."

I spun back around and again headed off towards the shade but I never got there. The last thing I remember actually seeing was the sky as my head hit the cobble stones.

"Oh my God, he's down!!" cried Nellie, running over to my prone body. One of the race officials quickly made his way over with a small bag and took out a small bottle and a pin. Nellie then demanded to know why the official wasn't calling one of the ambulances over.

"They often fake it so before we can declare him out of the race I need to check a few things." said the man now placing the open bottle of smelling salts under my nose. Getting no reaction he continued with several pricks with the needle to which I made no movement.

"OK, he's really out" the official called over to the medics who quickly brought the gurney over, released my boys from their bonds and we sped off to the hospital.



********



"He's awake! ... Nurse! ... Nurse!" Even in my disoriented state I recognized the not so dulcet tones of my soon to be ex-wife. What I didn't know at that point was why there would be nurses involved and why she would soon taking on the "ex" designation. The pain in my balls coupled with the Testonian accents of the medical staff around me soon brought it all back.

"DAMN MY NUTS HURT! Can't I get some hospital-happy-juice?"

Nellie looked guiltily aside but did not say anything.

My cousin Jim was a medical technician and had often referred to the pain-meds in the IV-drip as "happy juice" and how hospitals were "rationing this nectar to save on moolah" as he put it. Given the pain I was in I figured that penny-pinching was not limited to the U.S.

"Well, could you at least get me an Aspirin or ten?"

Again, she did not meet my eyes.

"Ehmm ... contestants are not allowed pain relief. It's, er ... it's part of the punishment." She sheepishly admitted.

"I must have missed that rule, but why am I not surprised?" I uttered in disgust. "What is surprising however, is to see you!"

"You know I would never leave you," replied Nellie in the most sincere tone she could muster.

"More like you COULDN'T leave me Nellie; at least not right now." I waited for a response and realizing one was not forthcoming followed with. "Right now I'm betting that you thought that an early return to the U.S. would be a good idea, but you can't find your passport, can you?"

Nellie still didn't say anything but her face told me everything I wanted to know. "You probably tore the room apart looking for it but it wasn't there. Hell, it's no longer even in Testonia. The night before the race I mailed your passport home so it should be winging its way across the Atlantic by now."

"What! You mailed it? How? You were guarded the whole night," Nellie asked.

"Indeed I was, so I asked the nice gentleman outside my door to mail a letter to our son. Said letter just happened to contain your passport." I responded to my forlorn looking and now silent wife. "Don't worry we can get another at the U.S. Consulate or have it mailed back, but in either case you will be here for a week or so at least."

"So did you talk to the doctor? What's the prognosis on my balls dear?" I asked changing the subject and trying to sound as upbeat as possible.

"The doctors say that there is a lot of bruising but thankfully no permanent damage. You should be fully healed within a few weeks," answered Nellie.

"I was so worried about you when you didn't run. I was sure you were going to be castrated."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Her behavior yesterday belied the seemingly sincere words coming out of her mouth right now.

"On the way here the medics told me that there is a time limit of three hours and had you not passed out they would only have been able to intervene after that time. You would have been castrated. I'm so glad it didn't come to that but strangely the doctors found cotton wool in your nostrils and it took some time to revive you."

"The race by-laws state that a contestant may only leave the race before the three hour mark if they complete the fifty laps or become unconscious to the point that they cannot be revived. The test for unconsciousness is not public knowledge but fortunately is pretty arcane and only involves smelling salts and pin pricks. I was mentally ready for the pin pricks and I was lucky they didn't get too close to my mouth with the smelling salts."

"Anyway, I was actually out cold due to the Oxycontin overdose. It didn't seem so fortunate at the time but if I had never been hit by that car I would never have had those left over tablets."

"There is still more you need to know but for now I see you have my clothes so I'm going to get myself checked out. After that we're going to pay a visit to Laima."

On our way back to town Nellie repeatedly tried to disavow me of notion that I had been unjustly fucked-with and was just blowing things way out of proportion. At first I was simply an uncultured American in a foreign land and had apparently neglected to respect 'their ways'. Then the tears flowed and the pleading ensued. It finally took my rejection of 'taxi-head' in the back seat of the cab to tell her that her efforts were going nowhere. Our driver looked back through the mirror several times and just shook his head.

Back at the hotel we passed the front desk behind which a surprisingly upbeat Laima stood. "Welcome back! Before you go to your room I would like to introduce you to my uncle Festus, the Major of Gonada. He is anxious to talk to you both, you in particular Vito, and I am instructed to take you straight there."

"Funny I was just going to ask you to see him myself, but I think we need to clean up before we can meet any dignitaries so give me a few minutes and I will be right down." I responded, although I fully intended 'right down' to mean an hour or so. The sons of bitches could wait. While Nellie showered I checked on things back in the States and replaced some data that had appeared to be missing.

When we returned to the lobby there was a car waiting outside and the three of us were escorted to it by two of the largest human beings I had ever seen. Driving through the streets I was reminded why we came to Gonada in the first place as the untouched architecture of the town was outstanding. For some reason it that all escaped me yesterday!

Inside the town hall we were shown to an ornate sitting room and told that His Mayorship would be out momentarily. After forty five minutes he made his entrance with feigned apologies for tardiness due to 'pressing council business'. I've always hated the pretentious power-hungry management type and while I did not expect to like him I found it was loathe at first sight.

After introductions, he began, "I understand from my niece that there was a misunderstanding with regards to the underlying reasons for your race yesterday."

"If by misunderstanding you mean outright forgery of evidence and prevention of due process then I would agree with you."

"Now, now Mr. Russo those are slanderous words and I urge you to be careful. You are guests in our country and we are in a forgiving mood right now but that can quickly change," Responded Festus, bringing a wry smile to Laimi's face.

"They are only slanderous if they cannot be shown to be true, and I can show certainly them to be true."

"Well I'm afraid I have some bad news for you Vito, the photographs and PI's report that were submitted as evidence have apparently gone missing. We have searched our servers and while we have a record of the submission we can only guess that a hard drive corruption wiped them out," Festus said with a smile.

"Isn't that so very convenient!" I replied, which again brought forth a grin from Laima.

"Under the circumstances we feel that it would be in everyone's best interests if you just let this matter drop and then perhaps cut your vacation short so we can all get back to our normal lives."

"Before I consider doing that I would ask you to please look again as files can sometimes be misplaced even on servers. So if you would just humor me and turn your monitor to show me the empty file directory then I will happily leave and consider this matter closed."

Irritated, but knowing that the files had been deleted that very morning by an underling Festus turned the monitor and logged into the town's Justice System servers. He was pointing out the folder structure as we progressed, the entry manifesto of my 'conviction' and was about to say 'the empty folder' when he gasped as the icons of the photographs within started loading on his screen.

"I don't know what to say, but we shall have to see if these are the correct photographs or not before making any decisions," Festus blurted out.

"Oh they are the correct photographs. Just look at the time and date stamps from yesterday!" I said.

While he struggled with what to do next, which I imagine would probably involve my incarceration under some very creative charges, I made my coup de grace. "Oh, look at these photographs at the end!" I said taking his mouse and clicking on the three stills that then filled his screen.

Festus quickly went from pale to a rage in a matter of seconds. Each image showed old Festus with the secretary that showed us in on the very desk we were sitting in front of.

"What! Where did you get those pictures?" Festus yelled.

"I don't know how you could accuse me of such a thing! My work is to prevent break-ins not engage in them and I would never stoop so low as to do that to you," I said looking him straight in the eye to let him know that is exactly what I had done and could do a lot more.

"They must be faked just like yours were!" He blurted out before stopping dead realizing what he had just said.

"Oh I think they are real all right. That is the FIRST TIME I have seen these pictures Festus however they are in full resolution and look completely authentic to me. Your cameras up in the corner must be very high-res, I'm impressed." I then tilted my head to the side to further examine the last image. "But I have to say that while anal is not my thing you two do seem to be enjoying it!"

That must have shocked Festus in to the realization that his Niece was also present and he snatched the mouse from my hand and swiftly deleted the whole file folder, unintentionally making things even worse for himself.

Festus picked up and then barked into the phone. "I want security in here right now, and call the Head of Police! I want an arrest warrant issued immediately."

I knew I only had a few seconds so I began as soon as the Mayor slammed the phone down. "While we are waiting I want to tell you something that you probably don't know about computer systems such as the one you have there," I said pointing at his display. "There is a mechanism called 'journaling' which records every change to the file system so that it can be recreated if some files were to be accidentally corrupted or lost. It is also often used in legal domains to record the action of every authorized user to catch intentional tampering of data."

"Those pictures of you and your secretary having extra-marital sex LITERALLY on government property were recorded into the journal and now the journal also shows that the Mayor deleted them." I said looking straight into the furious eyes of the Mayor.

"Now I'm sure that the person who found those pictures on your office security system and placed them into the Justice System servers should be very concerned for his or her personal well-being at this time. If I were that person I would have enacted some measures of self-defense. Such as, I don't know, copying the images to servers throughout the world and setting up time-delayed anonymous email-bots to send them to the press and Testonian Central Government, just in case anything onerous were to befall them, such as being thrown in jail. If the person who setup the bots is unable or unwilling to stop them before the emails fly then you and your niece will have your own competitions to participate in. And that's before we even consider all the negative publicity and potential jail time."

At that point two security officers burst through the door, both looking to the Mayor for instructions.

You could see the wheels turning as he desperately wanted to fry my ass but knew I had him by the nuts, which I thought was quite a fitting metaphor considering everything. Before he could make the wrong decision I quietly mouthed, "Do you remember what finally brought down Nixon, Festus?"

After several tense seconds Festus turned and told the confused looking officers that "It's a misunderstanding, you can both leave."

After calling off the police, it took him a minute or two to calm down before he could even look at me.

"Alright, Mr. Russo you seem to have the upper hand, for now at least. What do you want?"

"Very simple, Mr. Mayor. To even the score. I may not be a big-shot Politician but I know that if you let people get away with fucking you over they will walk all over you the next chance they get."