I Wouldn't Hit You

Nine months ago you thought you left me here without a single dime. Before that you had been going through the money faster than it came in.

Now you are living on the rich side of town with the son of that banker you're working for. I use the word working in the loosest sense.

Now that I think back on it you were the one that talked me into remortgaging the place at that bank. You also insisted that I should put any of the new vehicles and equipment into your name incase I went bankrupt; just a precaution you said.

The day I was served your divorce papers I called my lawyer and made sure everything was in order. Everything I had purchased was in the corporate name of the farm. You were never listed as a corporate officer; my sister is the only other one besides me.

You always wondered why I used my lawyer as a tag and title service, instead of the fellow down on Main Street. You complained that I always paid too much; insurance is never too expensive.

I was able to access the new mortgage account on the computer in the farm office. I guess you didn't notice that on the bank's records. I know you did not pay the loan payments for over 6 months. The day you left me I was working at the feed mill; you were moving out all morning, didn't think I knew did you? And you had me served at 3:30. You chose that time because at the end of business that day the farm was going into foreclosure. I was well aware of that; the mortgage was due to be paid off at 3:50 the same afternoon, electronically.

At 5:00 when you walked out the door to the bank to go home you were met by a process server who gave you a package of divorce documents, claiming adultery. I could not go for theft or embezzlement because your name was on the accounts that you took the money from. I had all of your accounts frozen; yes I knew about the 2 accounts at your bank and 3 in the next town where you had hidden all the money. My lawyer, and his investigator, had been very busy for the last 5 months before you left.

Everyone knows some background now. Here is the rest of the story.

We live in an area where everyone has a 2 part name; someone with one name is an entirely different critter than the rest of us. I promise you will get over this.

I am Billy Joe Arnold, BJ to most of my friends. My wife that I was telling you about is Mary Jo. We went through school together all 12 years. We became a couple in the last year of high school.

My only other sibling is a sister named Bobbie Jean. She married, Tommy John Revere, the son of the owners of the feed mill in town. I work there 3 days a week, except in planting season. There are 5 of us who work there. There are old Mr. Revere, Tommy John, Bobbie Jean, myself and Cindy Lou. (Some of you English purists will be horrified to see that I did not list myself last. That is because I want to draw attention to Cindy Lou for a minute.)

Cindy Lou is the younger sister of Mary Jo, by 3 years. She was a tomboy growing up, and still is at 27 years old. She has only been on one date with a guy; that was senior prom, with her cousin Jimmy John. She can ride, rope and herd cattle better than most everyone around these parts. She knows more about growing crops than most too.

When she graduated high school she applied for the open job at the mill and was promptly turned down. She looked old Mr. Revere in the face, got nose to nose with him and growled "I am going to work for you. I will do more in a day than any of the guys; I will do it better and quicker. After 2 weeks, if I have not kept my word you will owe me nothing and I will walk away."

She still works there after 8 years. And she does a damn fine job.

For the record; old Mr. Revere likes to be called just that, or Old Man for short. He inherited the title 5 years after the death of his father. He tells everyone "...it took him 55 years to earn that title and he will not turn it down." Everyone calls his wife Young Lady. Don't you dare imply she is old or she will prove she is not a lady either!

Mary Jo and I were married the year after we graduated high school. I was working the farm with my Dad and working a few days a week at the mill to make spending money. Mom and Dad had put a doublewide on a corner of the farm for us. It was away from the working area with the main house and all the out buildings. Mary Jo worked in town at the Happy Head Salon and Nails. "You will glow with shear delight" was their slogan, their main claim to fame.

Dad always told me to never trust Samuel Smith, the local banker, "He will turn you over, chew you up, spit you out and keep a smile on his face the entire time; you will thank him when he is through."

Dad would smile every time he said "He's slicker than whale shit, and about as useless."

Sam was a biweekly customer at the Happy Head. He only had a band of hair about 2 inches high around his head and a crappy looking mustache. His son, Elwood, always followed an hour later. He reminded me of a cross between something the cat forgot to bury and another something that slithered out of a swamp. I have no idea of the percentages of each.

Somehow over a period of months they managed to convince Mary Jo that she was just who they needed at the bank. She came home that evening bursting with joy; she was going to quit being the nail girl at the Happy Head and go to work for those two.

I told her that we did not need her wages; she only spent every cent on clothing and women's stuff. She needed those things to look good at her job. That is what she told me. We also had a nice amount in savings.

At this time we had been married for over 9 years.

The next day my world was shattered.

Normally I drove into town with the grain deliveries, Mom and Dad wanted to stop at the diner after dropping off grain at the mill. The brakes on our grain truck failed on the way into town with the load. There is a 2 mile long gradual downhill stretch on the way into town, with a curve at the bottom. State police said they found the gearshift stuck in low, people along the way claimed that the motor had to be over the red line on the tach. The emergency brake was set and the shoes were completely worn off. We had about 800 miles on those shoes.

The truck had too much speed and failed to make the curve; it ran into a telephone pole and burst into flames. It was too fast to have hurt them I was told.

State police could not prove that the truck was tampered with, but a loose brake line was the fault. When everything settled down 3 weeks later Mary Jo informed me she was going to work at the bank. "I already quit at the Happy Head."

I tried to talk her out of it but was told I was trying to hold her back. Now where would she learn to say something like that; she could barely tie her shoes and count over 20. She started to spend time out with the girls from the bank in the evenings. One day the sheriff brought her home too drunk to even sit up. She was driving home after another night out when he pulled her over.

I put her on the bed and her skirt rode up over her butt; there were no panties on and bruising of handprints on her ass. The river of sperm flowing from both openings back there was the deciding factor about my divorcing her. I got pictures as proof, and samples for DNA.

We had really cooled down in the bedroom, starting about 2 months after she started at the bank. That night I checked her purse and found she was on the pill and she also had a cell phone that I did not know about.

The next day she went to work very late, I spent 2 hours searching the house for any more interesting items. I found evidence that she had been on the pill the entire time we were married. Apparently she had kept the first pill dispenser as a souvenir. It looked to me like every time her prescription was changed she kept the first new container. I told you she was not very smart.

I called the doctor to verify my suspicions. I talked to the nurse and was told the dates the prescription changed; I was right.

The entire time we were married she had told me "...it must be you that is the problem, I check out fine."

Shortly after the folks died I tried to explain the finances of the farm to her. She was not interested and told me so. "You go ahead and run the farm; I will just take care of the household and mortgage. Everything will be fine, you'll see."

She never learned that we had 2.75 million in farm accounts that just sat there drawing interest. Dad put all his money in the bank about 12 miles down the road. Dad mortgaged the farm to buy a new combine a few years back. "You always need to show that you have good credit; by paying off a mortgage each month we show that. All that cash in the bank don't mean nothing, if you have not had any recent credit." Dad always was the smart one. His grammar left a little to be desired.

Mary Jo convinced me that we should go with a mortgage at the bank where she worked. The interest rate would be a lot lower and there would be no points because she worked there.

Soon after the new loan was in place I signed on to the computer and found the web site that gave me access to the account. She never went into the office out in the barn because it was too filthy in there. I started to leave a bit of manure between the door and the office just as a little insurance.

About 8 months before Mary Jo decided to leave I called for an appointment with my lawyer. We went for a ride to a diner in a town a bit away from ours. As I drove he took notes. He recommended that I install a video security system on the farm, record all phone calls and put a GPS on all of our vehicles. He asked if I wanted her under surveillance and I said to do it all.

I gave him the access codes to the mortgage so he could watch when the payments were made.

Norman, my lawyer, is almost the smartest person I know; his father, Erl, was still smarter. Erl is a master of disguise, I saw him at a Halloween party looking like an 18 year old girl. Until he opened his mouth, to yell at a man to go away, no one knew who this girl was. Remember the comment about people with only one name being entirely different critters?

In less than a month we had all the necessary information to file for divorce. I told them to keep going. I wanted overkill to the max.

Erl knew why they wanted the farm; it was in the center of a tract of land that a group, owned by the bank, was looking to convert to a huge shopping center.

Meanwhile I went to the doctor claiming to have slipped when getting down from the tractor. There was a massive groin injury, according to the notes. I was given pain medication and some other pills. What they were all for I will never know. Every day as scheduled I threw the required number of pills down the commode. I told her it was too painful to perform any sex act. I then went to a clinic an hour away and was declared to not have any STD's.

Erl was not without resources, he found a prostitute who had contracted herpes. You know...the love bug. The woman was working as a nail technician in a town many miles from us. Erl convinced her to apply for the open position at Happy Head. No one lasted more than 3 weeks at the job after Mary Jo quit. We would pay her $200 a week and cover her rent while she was there. If she could show proof that she was screwing Elwood Smith the payment would go up to $500. Anything she earned doing nails was hers to keep. There was a $10,000 bonus if he contracted herpes.

Within the month she was getting $500. Norman, Erl and I got the biggest laugh when we saw that his pecker was about as big as a roll of nickels. Amy, our prostitute, said he was the worst lover she ever had. I believe it after watching the tape where she insisted that he eat her out.

After watching Elwood with Amy I realized Mary Jo was not with him for the sex. We started to dig deeper; that is when we found out that she had many different accounts with moderate amounts of money in each. I thank God to this day that Erl is not as ethical as a lawyer should be; maybe that is why he retired. Without his working on my case a lot might have been missed.

In total she had diverted just over $300,000 to her own accounts in a little over 9 years. I doubt that she realized how rich I really was. She will never find out now; if I have my way.

Erl has a good friend named Bob. This guy is a wizard on the computer. He hates cheating wives, he had one. If a file exists he will find it. His Photoshop skills are the best around also. By the time he was done his wife was almost given a jail term for perjury. His first clue was when her second child came out as a mulatto. His slogan was "If you burn the bitch you still have more than half of the job left."

I told Erl that it was OK to use him, but all the evidence had to actually have occurred. The situation was bad enough that I did not want anything fake to screw it up.

I was kind of aware that I would soon be served with papers for the divorce. The day I was served I was working on the loading dock with Cindy Lou unloading a truck; that girl is the best on a fork truck. She saw the server trying to get to me and ran him off the loading dock with the forklift; right on his heals until she got to the stairs. I called her into the warehouse and said "Let him do his job, I have been expecting it. She gets served in 90 minutes when she leaves work. Anyway, she already cleaned all her crap out of my house."

Five minutes later her credit cards were all cancelled, her cell phone on my account was turned off and her car was towed away from the bank to parts unknown. All I had to say on the phone to Norman was "Do it."

Cindy Lou was beside herself with anger. I took her out to dinner and got her good and drunk to finally calm her down. The next morning on the loading dock she was in no shape to do anything. Between the hangover and the anger she was ready to kill the first person who came near her, except me. She wanted to hang all over me and comfort me. Finally the Old Man came out and told us to go get a room; "I don't allow that sort of stuff around here!" he yelled.

Bobbie Jean came out a few minutes later and told us to take the day off with pay. "Be ready to work tomorrow." she said.

As I drove out to the middle of nowhere I explained most of the details of what her sister was doing to me. I explained how I was tested for STD's and was clean; I had not touched her sister since then. Cindy Lou wanted me to drive her into town so she could beat the pulp out of her sister. I told her that my revenge would be worse than anything she could do with her fists.

"Don't you bet on that!" was her heated response. "How can she treat you like that?"

"She is doing this because she has no self respect" I muttered.

"There is no way for you to stop me, I will pay her back" she screamed. I do believe her.

"Save it for after we are finally divorced, please! If you care about me even a little you will not screw up the plans that are in motion." I pleaded.

"If I care for you even a little? You are my sun and moon; you are the best thing to ever enter into my life. Why do you think I never date anyone? Since the first time I saw you I knew we were destined to be together!"

"I know," I almost whispered "so does everyone else at the mill. "

"Was I that obvious?"

"Only to those who see you day in and day out," I snickered. "Mary Jo does not have a clue. She is too wrapped up in her little schemes."

We had just pulled into a small park. I pulled a large lunch out of my trunk and we sat on the river bank to eat it. I told her as much as I could without tipping my hand in the divorce filings.

She was much calmer when we got back to town. I dropped her off at the mill so she could get her car. Before getting out she shyly gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek. "You are the first man I ever kissed, other than my Paw!"

I watched as she drove off.

Over the next few months we became closer and closer, I went to dinner at her place, she came to mine. We sat together at lunch at the mill. We always kept a respectable distance between us whether at lunch, her place or mine. The windows were always open to the world. There was no way we could be accused of any wrong doing. My friends told me about the awkward jerk that followed me around all the time. One time I rounded a corner and waited for him to catch up with me. I grabbed his collar as he hurried by, he about shit himself. "Why don't you just walk with me, I've known you were back there for 4 months. I am not stupid enough to allow you to see anything to report to your employers." I took him to lunch that day, he never returned.

At Cindy Lou's insistence we both spent a lot of time with the others who worked at the mill. It might be one or the other of us or both together. To the outside world it appeared as though we were all a big happy family there. (We were.)

When Mary Jo left me she took all the motor vehicles except the old ratty truck that I always drove. I had bought it used before we graduated high school. Over the years I had various modifications and upgrades done to it to make it run the way I wanted it to. That truck was only in my name; she assumed that all the others were in her name only, and took them when she left. About every other month one of them would disappear from where she hid it, never to be seen again. She reported them as thefts to the police. I had called the insurance agent and cancelled the policies on all of them. She never noticed. When I cancelled the policies I told the company to stall giving her any information or payout for the loss. Most of the time, she did not know when they were removed from her hiding spots. We just retrieved the GPS information and went to get them at a time of our choosing. When she moved them it made no difference. Erl had my keys to them and drove most of them away. Once he had to borrow a front end loader from a construction site down the street to tear out a fence and wall. He returned the machine with little evidence of the actions it participated in. The owners all swore it was secured in such a way as to have prevented it's use when the police asked.

She spent most of her time driving one of Elwood's BMW's. To pay me back for taking the vehicles she had many of my farm implements repossessed by the dealer. He called me to ask what was going on. I told him to just go ahead and follow her instructions; while he had them he could go over them and make sure that everything was in the best condition possible. You can't recover anything you don't hold a lien on.

Since he was given a work order by the bank to seize the property I said he should bill them for the services and tell them without the repairs they would get less than half of their actual value at sale.

Would you believe the bank paid for the repairs and storage?

The little side fling Elwood was having with Amy was still going on strong. About 3 weeks before the divorce hearing things became strained between Elwood and Mary Jo. Elwood suddenly decided to grow a goatee and mustache. Thelma Marie who owned the Happy Head chased him out of her shop one day and told him in no uncertain terms to "...never show his scrawny ass in her shop again."

The next day the rumors started to flow around town that he had herpes blisters all over his mouth. The surveillance cam in the beauty salon showed clearly enough that he did indeed have them.

Amy was paid her bonus money and advised to leave town. To our surprise she declined to leave. Instead she moved in with Erl and they became lovers. Erl later told me he "...was 75 and had to die from something. I am being careful and will miss her if she leaves."

The next week Mary Jo came around to see me and plead that I take her back.

"Never!" was my reply. I should beat the shit out of you but it is not worth degrading myself in that way. My Daddy told me only a coward would beat on a woman, no matter how much she deserves it."