If Only: An Undelivered Letter

To Y.Z.:

First of all, I just want to say no matter what I write in this letter, you need to know that I hate you. With every ounce of my being. You got under my skin in the most devilish way a man ever could and I will never forget it.

I'm not sure where I should start, and honestly I never really know where to start with you. You were so absolutely wonderful and unexpected that everything just happened so fast and it's jumbled in my head, some of it completely lost in my daydreams. I wish I still had our earliest conversations somewhere for reference or a rainy day read. But that was before I knew how much you were about to mean to me. And with everything that has happened, I can't even tell you that. The one person I don't want to hold anything back from is the person who showed me I need to bury it deep inside. So I'm writing you this letter, a letter you will never read because you hurt me as well as... well, loved me.

I can't even decide what burns me the most about you. Teasing me for so long, your eyes and smile, the way you know how to whisper in my ear to send chills down my spine and make me throb between my legs. The mental and emotional pain that pulsated through my veins when you took back your words and closed your door. I want to hate you so much but as I sit here alone in my thoughts I realize that even now, over a year since you first captured my attention, that you are the only man left in my heart. I know that I would follow you through hell and back just to keep getting my fix. My brain keeps telling me to quit you but that voice is nothing compared to the side of me that aches for you to touch me again. I fell for you and you left me to crumble from the inside out.

Now that Kenny is gone I realize he was feeding my addiction more than I wanted to admit. My stomach has been in knots since I heard he wasn't coming back. I truly do not want to say this out loud... I needed him in my life. He was keeping me distracted from the drug that is you. I fucked him once and so badly wanted to fuck him again that it's going to eat at me for days, maybe weeks. Maybe if he would have kissed me hungrily again, like that night in his kitchen. His arms around me, my hands in his hair, his tongue dancing with mine. That was the single best moment of our friendship because it made me so hot and horny I would have done anything he asked of me. I needed him. I never even realized how much I needed him until he was gone. Did he consume me? No. Did I want more of him? Hell yes. Would I have chosen him over you? Yes, at one point I would have. He helped me to almost be free of you, but then there's the one reason I've never been able to let you go: you can't let me go.

I remember how we started. That day at work talking to Mike about sexual fantasies. You told me one of yours and he told me one of his. I brought up my stories on Literotica and you said you have read those and asked to read mine. I told you no because I was still shy around you but it opened each of us up and we talked more. We found things we liked, disliked, asked for advice, all that "new friend" stuff. Then one day I sent you to the link to my first story. Your initial response was not what I expected: you asked me why. Maybe my answer was my first genuine mistake with you, because I replied that I trusted you. Then you read my stories and realized there was more to me and we went deeper, which is where the real trouble started. We messaged each other. I would step outside in my front yard because you were going to drive by and you wanted to see me. I mean, we even did the classic chick-flick romance cliché of clarifying from the beginning that anything we did from here on out was not going to get "weird" between us.

I should have known then that you were different, and I should have stopped. But I thought you were safe because you were married with a family just like I was and we were just friends. And I know you won't admit it now but I bet I could have gotten you to admit it back then... you were just as addicted to me as I was you. Well, you did write me once that "I want to drive you just as crazy as you drive me." Before we knew it I was talking dirty with you, sending you naughty pictures and enjoying your reaction because getting a man hard is one of my favorite things. I have enjoyed teasing you more than I could ever describe. You were good at making me wet, needing more than just your words touching me. We got naughty in the break room a couple times; our first kiss. You slipped a finger inside me; your first taste of me. I invited you out of town with me to do what you wanted to me, tie me up, spank me, put me on my knees to taste you before you fucked me like an animal.

That day wouldn't work for you so you made plans for me, giving us a couple hours. I agreed, followed you out of town to a secluded place you knew, wearing clothes I didn't care about so that you could cut them off of me. Do you still remember how fucking sexy I looked to you, wrists zip tied to the luggage rack of your van, shredded white shirt hanging from my arms, panties ripped apart and around my ankles, my naked body exposed for your pleasure? I remember the fire in your eyes; the soft, teasing kisses that left me wanting more. I was nervous but I've never been so horny in my life. I wanted your handprints in bright red on my ass, your cum in my mouth and your cock thrusting hard and deep in my tight pussy. You said when I asked you if there was somewhere else you wanted to put your cock besides deep in my mouth that it was the sexiest thing you had ever heard. You fucked me so good I never wanted it to end.

That was a year ago. We met up a week later in a more public place by the lake for some hot kissing, my mouth on your dick and your finger inside me just long enough to leave us both throbbing. I wanted to fuck you that day, too. I can only imagine the self-control you had to keep from ripping down my bikini bottoms and burying your dick in me right there on the beach. You know, it wasn't even three weeks later that we both realized our friendship had gone way past weird without getting weird. I still have the picture you showed me that made you think of me, the one with the words "I loved her not for the way she danced with my angels, but for the way the sound of her name could silence my demons". At that moment, I knew... you loved me and I loved you and we were fucked. I was your "if only". I joked that you admitted it first but I said it out loud first, and all this was wonderfully blissful for about two weeks.

The rumors started around work. Both of our spouses had heard them and it ate at us. We tried talking less but I couldn't handle it. I didn't even get into as much trouble for it as you, but my home life was rough for several months after that. You shut me out. Well, tried to shut me out. Broke my heart a few times. God, I wish I knew how to shut off my feelings like you did. Fuck, you started acting like it had never happened and you just wanted to be friends. You took back that you had ever loved me. If I had any sense in me I would stop talking to you altogether, but I was addicted you and still am. I fell in love with your eyes and your smile. It got easier for me, and I hated you occasionally but it wasn't enough. You know things about me I couldn't even begin to explain to another person. I knew I needed to stop; I honestly tried. Which is why you will never read the other stories I've denied you thus far, no matter what our agreement is. You can't have another piece of me.

I finally accepted our friendship had changed, and over the past few months I got better at not letting you in, and you being the good friend you are you never pressed me to know more. I even stopped sending you pictures of me at one point, but you begged me a few times for more after admitting you kept all of the others. And you still wanted to make me your dirty whore. With Kenny being in on our secret, and him and I starting one of our own I had to brag to someone, and I can only imagine how you picture the two of us in your dirty head. You are still my closest friend. I hate it as much as I need it. Not a hour goes by that I don't think about that smile that only I can bring to your lips when I'm teasing you. I still know what I do to you, making you want to rape me to put me in my place, and wish I could hold back what you do to me. Do you have any idea how good it felt to hear that you were a little jealous that I sucked Kenny's cock and swallowed every drop of his cum? And that the thought of him getting to taste my wonderfully sweet juices before fucking me made you jealous too? God, I think I wanted to fuck his brains out just to make you want to punish me more. Someday, you said. Someday you will take me and show me what you want to do to me, use me for your pleasure. Tie me down, beat me into submission. Fuck me until I scream, tears rolling down my face. My ultimate sexual fantasy that has been stirring inside for over half of my life. I'm throbbing right now just for the chance to please you again. Damn you.

Anyway, I just have to say that you never should have continued leading me on like you did. You shouldn't have taken advantage of my feelings and let me feed on your ideas. You took back your emotions and expected me to be okay. I'm still dealing with that every day, even though I tell you I'm fine. I'm not fine, I'm not okay. Yes, I need you to tie me up and fuck me like you have wanted to since you came back and saw me. The dark fantasy I have wanted to experience could only be fulfilled by you because I will never trust anyone like you again. You're still my "if only." Your power over me flows through my veins.

I love you. Forever etched on my heart.