If Only Ch. 01

"If only..."

Angelus watched her as she left the house. He was connected with her, and her pain caused a tear to roll down his face. He knew that at that moment it took everything within her to hold her head high, to not let the pain consume her. He wished he could reach out to her, wished he could take it all away. But that was not the plan.

She walked the street alone, tears streaking down her cheeks. She loved him, more than life. She wanted to be with him, but it could never be. They both loved each other, more than some could hope to feel in a lifetime. But...his inner demons had finally won the war. She could no longer fight for him, it killed her too much. He was everything she wanted; if only he knew what was more important...perhaps things would not have had to end.

She wanted to run endlessly, hide herself from the world. But it would never happen. She dreamed of a world she could escape to...somewhere where the calm was tangible. But in this world, such a place does not exist.

She wrapped herself in her thoughts and let them comfort her. Her eyes were open now. Never would she let this heartbreak happen again...even if it meant she never loved again. A piece of her died that day...or so she thought.

*****

It had been seven years, and Kara had still not let anyone in. She didn't see how men longed for her; didn't see the hurt in everyone's eyes that knew her. She had exquisite beauty; but she never knew. She had long nurtured the idea that the one she was looking for, she had already let go. And yet, she came to this conclusion for she had not met another whose mind entertained her soul...as his did.

Kara was walking through the streets, letting her mind take her far away, when a sudden chill ran down her spine, and she realized where she was. That same street years ago...all the pain from the years long gone came rushing back, forming into a tangible pain in her heart.

She clutched her shirt, gasping for breath. The pain was too great, it had been held far too long. It took a strength she did not know she possessed to find a place to turn. She had never known an alley existed there; it seemed as if fate were guiding her.

Angelus watched, worried that Kara might not be strong enough to make it. When her hand reached the wall of the alley, she collapsed, her screams of pain so severe only Angelus could hear. Kara's hands clutched the snow beneath her as she realized it was the same day, seven years later. Eventually, the pain consumed her, and she drifted into blackness.

There was a comforting light around her.. its presence was indicating something in her mind; yet she could not grasp the meaning. She felt herself being drawn as she floated through a feeling she had not felt in years...that haze of love that takes away all fears... emptiness... pain. But she passed through it, and as she struggled to stay there, she got further away... and felt the all-encompassing pain of reality.

*****

He watched her seem to fight something in her sleep, saw the pain evident on her face. He wondered what such a beauty could be haunted by. She lay there like an angel, her long brunette curls framing her face. She was not tall, but then again, she was not petite by any means. Her bosom matched her bottom; she was not too skinny either.

If it weren't for the slightest bump in her nose, she would have been as perfect as a doll. He could only imagine what her eyes held; and so he yearned to see. He noticed a tear slip down her cheek, and was perplexed to no end.

Reality slapped her out of sleep. Her eyes snapped open, only to meet the curious eyes of...of a man. Fear crept up her spine, and the man watched her eyes turn from surprise to horror. It was the last thing he expected from someone who looked so beautiful. Nor did he expect her eyes to contain a deepness...that he was already lost in.

Suddenly he realized her situation. "I apologize, how rude of me. I am Cadogan." He waved and gave her a cheeky smile. He thought he saw a flicker of amusement in her eyes, but when she said nothing, he thought he imagined it. "Umm.. I found you in an alley. You have been unconscious for hours."

With that fear crossed her face again. When she tried to speak, her voice hitched. He caught on immediately. "Oh how stupid of me. You must be dying of thirst." He scrambled around, eventually leaving the room. In any other situation, she would have burst out laughing, but she felt so strange...she could not pinpoint the sensation.

When he returned with a glass of water, she eyed him for a moment; then figured that if he meant her any harm he would have done it by now. As she took the glass from him, her fingers brushed against his and she froze. His touch rustled something deep within her...and she knew exactly what it was.

Her gaze startled him. He didn't expect it; then again, he didn't expect to ever feel tangible attraction. Her touch seemed to send an electrical charge through him. Her eyes were searching his, and to be honest this felt uncomfortable, and he wanted to know why. "Miss, you seemed to be fighting something in your sleep...is everything alright?"

His voice held a sincere concern that she had not heard in a long time. Sadness crept through her, and he saw it in her eyes. He wanted to reach out to her, comfort her, but she slowly raised the glass to her lips and took a drink.

She eyed him up and down before she spoke. He was a very handsome man, the type that was not usually single, but married already. Yet she saw no ring on his finger, he never rubbed it indicating he had never worn a ring on that finger. She looked back into his eyes and could clearly see his confusion; it put her in a lighter mood.

"I am Kara. Thank you for your kindness Cadogan, but I must be on my way now. She started to rise, but the pain in her chest threatened to take over again. At her gasp, he rushed over, taking the drink from her and gently persuading her to lay back down.

"Let me take you to the hospital Kara."

"Thank you Cadogan, but that will not be necessary. I already know what this is and why. I do not need to waste money nor take pills that will do nothing."

"Well, stay here as long as you need. Do you need a phone to contact your family?"

"I have no family Cadogan, but thank you."

"Oh. Well, considering the time, what would you like for dinner Kara?"

"What?" Kara gave him a quizzical look, letting her mind entertain the thought that this guy was quite the catch. But she quickly kicked that out of her mind when she remembered the last time this happened.

"Tell you what." Cadogan said as he set the glass down on the side table, "I will see what I've got in the fridge, and you tell me if anything piques your interest." Cadogan left the room, and Kara tried to take in exactly what was happening.

Suddenly, Cadogan bellowed from the kitchen. "Okay! I have bologna and cheese! He said it with such enthusiasm Kara stifled a laugh.

"I think I'll pass on the bologna, she answered meekly.

"Alright! What about leftover pizza!. like anchovies?"

With that she actually let out a giggle. Cadogan heard and smiled. Besides, he was having a hard time making up stuff that was not in his refrigerator...he loved to cook.

"I will take that as a no," Cadogan hollered. Let us see what is behind drawer number 1! How about...a roast pork loin dinner with carrots and mashed potatoes! Kara's mouth watered instantly.

"You have that?, Kara croaked.

"Well, I would have to cook it first!....Can you wait about an hour?"

"Sure." {I hope he isn't just trying to impress me, and that he actually can cook} Kara thought. Her stomach started to remind her she hadn't eaten all day. She heard some rattling in the kitchen, and a few minutes later, Cadogan popped in the room, wearing a white apron and a crooked chef hat...he had flour on his face.

Kara bust out laughing. She couldn't stop. It had been so long since she had had a good laugh; it seemed to erupt from her body. It seemed as though it was just what she needed, because it was not making her chest hurt.

Cadogan just looked at her, awed. He thought she was beautiful before, but now...it was quite the understatement. Her laughter was like a song to his ears, one that he didn't want to stop hearing. He had a new goal now.

"I beg your pardon?! What is so funny?!" Cadogan said with his hands on his hips. That made Kara laugh harder. Cadogan's face began to screw up as he tried to suppress his laughter. All Kara could do was shake her head. She was beyond words.

"Well miss funny, I came in here to ask if you would like something to snack on while dinner is cooking...an appetizer if you will." Kara tried to stop her laughter, trying to take deep breaths. Her hands were covering her face, trying to hide her red blush. Her hands slowly moved to her cheeks, and she looked up at him with a smile on her face.

"Wha-whatever [giggle] you have." She bit her lip to contain the laughter.

Cadogan raised an eyebrow. "Cheese and crackers to your liking?"

"Yes"—her breath hitched. "Please."

He returned shortly with sliced cheese and her favorite crackers...Keebler. She licked her lips, she couldn't help it. He saw it, and it almost made him moan. He noticed she was almost out of water.

"Is there anything else I can get you to drink?"

"Water is fine; ...thank you Cadogan." She put a certain emphasis on the thank you as if to say she didn't deserve any of the things he was doing for her.

"My pleasure Kara." He said looking into her eyes. She smiled. Her mind was nagging her, telling her that this was too good to be true. But she didn't want to listen right now, besides, she was hungry and she couldn't wait to taste the buttery, flaky Keebler cracker and have it melt in her mouth, garnished with cheese. Her little fantasy was interrupted by Cadogan bringing in her water.

Amusement donned his face when he realized she was savoring the crackers, with her eyes closed. He watched her put a whole cracker in her mouth, and took that as his cue. "Ahm!" Kara's eyes snapped open, and a red blush crept up her cheeks. "Here is your water," Cadogan said just barely keeping from laughing.

Kara was about to say thank you but at the last second she realized she had just stuffed her face, and all that came out was a "Mmph." Cadogan chuckled, and left the room, tending to dinner. He came back a little while later to check on her and took her dishes. As he walked back into the kitchen he heard the familiar scratch at the door.

Every day, a Weimaraner came to the back door, looking for food. The dog was still young, but his landlord was a stickler for dogs, so he could not keep him, though he wanted to. Perhaps Kara would be the perfect match; then again Boris' big blue eyes could win over anyone. He kneeled down to Boris and whispered in his ear.

Boris crept over to where Kara was lying. She seemed to be deep in thought or had dozed off. Boris ever so gracefully leapt up on the bed without disturbing Kara. He crawled on all fours toward her and waited.

Kara finally managed to suppress her nagging thoughts and opened her eyes, meeting blue ones inches away from her nose.

*

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