If You Could Do It Again... Ch. 03-04

Dylan was talking himself into and out of meeting with Paul the entire ride down but when he realized he was in New Paltz figured there was nothing he could do about it now. He parked in the municipal parking lot and walked around town for a bit before heading into the bar / restaurant where they had planned to meet. He was early but sat down and ordered a beer hoping it would calm his nerves. He had gotten halfway through it when something made him look to the door and he saw Paul Stark walk in. Dylan felt like he had gotten punched in the gut. He was older, Dylan noticed, but still handsome and sexy. Paul had always had a quiet strength within him that made people resent him. It was like they knew he could take anything they had to give and come out the better person. `God, he looks good.' Dylan thought.

Paul looked up, saw Dylan staring at him and felt his mouth automatically curve in a smile. He sat at the bar looking as beautiful as ever and he was there to meet him. Paul's heart skipped a beat and he forced himself to walk forward. Dylan got off the stool and met him halfway.

"Wow." Dylan said.

"Yeah." Paul answered.

"Jesus, what's it been? Twenty five, twenty six years?" Dylan asked.

"Thirty two."

"No. Can't be."

"Fraid so."

"Wow." Dylan said.

"Yeah." Paul answered. "You hungry? Want to get a table?"

"Yeah, let me just grab my beer." Dylan went to get his beer and take a moment to quiet his nerves as Paul sat at a table overlooking the busy street and get a hold of himself.

"So," Paul said as Dylan sat down across from him. "I guess you got into Duke."

"I did." Dylan said laughing. "Yeah, I did. It was everything I had hoped it would be."

"And engineering?"

"Yup. I was working part time with a construction crew and got to know the engineer real well. He showed me some things and by the middle of the semester I was declaring a major."

"It apparently worked for you. You own your own company."

"Well, my partner and I do but yeah. It's pretty great. I love what I do."

"That's great." Paul said. The two sat smiling at each other unable to help it.

"I still can't believe you wrote me." Dylan said. "I was thinking about you for the last few days and then all of a sudden there you were."

"Yeah, that's kind of how it happened for me too." Paul took a sip of his beer and thought of what he should say and what he shouldn't. "I was thinking about you and wondering what you got up to and then I did a search and found your company so I thought I'd send you an email and here we are."

"Yeah, life's crazy huh?" Dylan said.

"Life is definitely unwell." Paul agreed.

"So what have you been up to?" Dylan asked.

"I went to New York after graduation. Well, after you guys graduated, I got my G.E.D. and took some remedial courses to help kids get into college. I got a full scholarship to Columbia."

"No shit?!"

"No shit."

"That's great!" Dylan said. "I don't mean to sound like an ass. I always knew you were smart and could do it, but you-."

"Had a lot of challenges to get through first." Paul finished for him. "Yeah. It was tough but I made it. I got a business degree and worked for some pretty interesting people. I made some money and figured I'd get out of it while I still had a heart, you know?"

"That's great. I'm glad for you." Dylan smiled. "Looks like we both did really well for ourselves, unlike most everyone else from Denniston."

"Do you hear from anyone?" Paul asked.

"Every once in a while, someone will give me a call or send me a letter. Sometimes they just stop by the house but I don't have anything in common with them anymore so, no not really. A lot of them have sad stories, some of them made out ok."

"How's your sister, Laura?" Paul asked.

"Good!" Dylan smiled. "She's married with kids and is the principal of a high school down in Long Island."

"That's great! I always liked her. Tell her I said hi."

"I will. I'll actually be going down to see her for Thanksgiving." Dylan said.

"You're parents?" Paul asked but realized at their age it was a tricky question.

"They both died."

"I'm sorry."

"Well, dad had Alzheimer's and mom's heart wasn't so good toward the end. They had some nice years in Florida so I think they were happy." Dylan knew he had to ask but wasn't sure if he should. "What about-."

"Dead. Eddie died in the flood, pissed drunk as usual and mom died a couple years later of cancer."

"I'm sorry."

"We weren't close."

"No." Dylan understood. "Still... sorry."

"Thanks." Paul said as the waitress came to take their order.

"Are you married?" Paul blurted out after she left.

"No. I'm divorced. You?"

"No. Never married." Paul said and Dylan nodded.

The conversation suddenly seemed to lag with them both realizing the topic they wanted to ask each other about but neither could bring themselves to.

"How do you like New Paltz?" Dylan asked, desperate for something to break the silence.

"It's great. I have some friends who live nearby and kept coming up from the city to visit them. I figured it'd be nice to have a place so I didn't always have to stay with them or get a hotel. I found a nice house and just started spending more and more time up here. Then I decided to leave the city for good. How do you like Albany?"

They spoke of their lives and things which had happened over the years but both of them realized that it was better not to delve too deep. After sharing a good meal and a few more beers their caution began to wane and they edged closer and closer toward the topic which loomed before them. Paul told Dylan a favorite memory of taking a trip with Todd and Eric to New Orleans where Eric had inadvertently insulted a voodoo priestess who ran after them throwing dried chicken parts at them and cursing them in Creole.

"I felt so bad but we didn't know it was her mother's grave." Paul said chuckling and saw Dylan wipe tears of laughter from his eyes.

"That's awesome. And she threw a chicken at you?"

"Well, it was like chicken guts, feet and stuff. I guess, if you counted it all up it'd make a whole chicken but we just wanted to get the hell out of there." Paul laughed.

"So Todd is Eric's boyfriend?" Dylan asked. Paul felt a little nervous but figured it was time to be honest.

"Yeah."

"You're gay, Paul?"

"Yeah, Dylan. I'm gay." Paul watched Dylan's face, but he just nodded. "Are you okay with that?"

"Yeah, Paul. I'm fine with it." Dylan smiled and picked up the check. "I've got lunch."

Paul just smiled as he left to pay. He still wasn't sure whether or not they shared a memory but at least he had a friend. At least he had Dylan again in his life.

"Are you ready?" Dylan asked.

"Yeah." Paul and he walked out into the crisp fall evening and realized they had sat talking for hours. "Do you have to get back to Albany?"

"Not right away." Dylan said. "Is there anything in town you feel like doing?"

"Well, it's not fun but I have to do some shopping. If you feel like coming, we can try to think of something to do after."

"Sure!" Dylan said, got his car from the parking lot and followed Paul to the grocery store.

Paul and Dylan walked up and down the aisles talking and laughing as Paul filled his cart with items on his shopping list. Paul felt more comfortable talking about his past now that Dylan knew he was gay and accepted him. Dylan enjoyed listening to Paul talk about the things he had done since they had last seen each other but felt little licks of jealousy every time Paul mentioned one of his lovers. Even though Paul never spoke of them in detail, the very thought of them spending time with him that Dylan hadn't somehow irked him to no end. Dylan wondered if he should just bring up the "dream" or forget it and try to begin something new entirely. The desire and emotion that Paul evoked in him made him certain that he wanted something more from Paul than just friendship but he was certain how to go about that.

Paul was certain that Dylan was straight. He had been married and divorced and though he knew plenty of men who had done that before making the switch to men, Paul just couldn't allow himself that Dylan would be one of them. He tried to resign himself to being just friends who Dylan, though his heart felt just as stomped on as when he dreamed Dylan had left him alone in the woods. He had been wrong in thinking the dream would have healed something inside him, for the need for Dylan was just as strong now as it had always been. Paul looked forward into his life and saw it being a lonely one as Todd and Eric had warned him about, but the only solution to that was standing next to him and as unreachable as the farthest star.

Paul turned down the junk food aisle and was listening to Dylan tell him about a prank he had pulled on his frat brothers when all of a sudden he stopped in mid-sentence. Paul looked over, curious to see what had caught his attention.

"I love Chips Ahoy cookies!" Dylan said and picked up the bag.

"You gotta love 'em." Paul answered, feeling a strong case of deja vu. "They're perfect."

Dylan looked back at Paul, his eyes wide as he remembered being atop the mountain sharing the bag his mother had packed for the swimming trip.

"Even better than my mom's." They both finished.

"You remember." Dylan said.

"I thought it was a dream." Paul answered.

"It was a dream. Or I thought it was a dream too."

"You dreamed about me?" Paul asked.

"Yeah. A few days before you wrote me. It was the weirdest thing that ever happened to me!"

"I woke up in my parents shack in nineteen seventy nine." Paul said..

"I woke up in MY parents house in nineteen seventy nine." Dylan answered.

"That was you."

"You were there."

Both took a steadying breath, trying to gain control of their emotions. Paul's heart filled with confusion and hurt. It hadn't been the scared eighteen year old Dylan who had rejected him but this man he stood with now. Dylan felt joy fill his heart, Paul had loved him not only back when he was nineteen but now as a fifty year old man. He stole a glance at Paul and thought, `this man loves me.'

"I think we should have a talk." Paul said. "An honest one, finally."

"I think we should too." Dylan agreed.

"Follow me to my house?"

"That's fine."

Paul paid for his groceries and they both loaded them into the car.

"Thanks." Paul mumbled.

"No problem." Dylan offered, got into his car and pulled it in line behind Paul's.

They made the trip to Paul's house and ten minutes later, were pulling through the gate at the end of the drive. Dylan whistled as he saw the house.

`Holy shit!', he thought. `Paul Stark did well for himself.'

Dylan parked his car behind Paul's and got out to help him bring the groceries in. After they had finished Paul put what perishables he had bought away, took a look at the rest of it and said `fuck it'.

"Coffee, tea or something harder?" Paul asked.

"Something harder." Dylan said.

Paul nodded in agreement and led the way into his living room to fetch the scotch from the bar. He poured two fingers of a very nice twenty five year old single malt and downed his in one shot. Dylan's only response was to raise his eyebrows before following suit. Paul refilled their glasses, sat down on the couch and set the bottle on the coffee table before him. Dylan sat at the other end of the couch and took a sip.

"So what do you think happened?" He asked.

"I don't know." Paul sighed. "I was going to either get confirmation from you that you had a memory of that night or that it never happened and it was just a dream."

"How were you going to get confirmation?"

"I was going to mention... the night on the mountain and see how you reacted."

"And if I didn't remember?"

"I was going to see a shrink."

"But I do remember."

"Yeah, you do."

"So what now?" Dylan asked.

"Fuck if I know. I didn't think much passed getting confirmation." Paul said. "I have no idea what to do now."

Dylan nodded and downed the rest of his drink before reaching and grabbing the bottle for another two fingers. After he had poured his, Paul held out his glass to be refilled.

"Can two people share a dream?" Dylan asked and Paul suddenly realized that besides a quote about chips ahoy cookies, neither knew what the other thought happened that night.

"What exactly do you remember?" Paul asked.

"I remember I had a really shitty day, came home and went to bed. When I woke up I was back in Denniston, in my parents house. My mom was there and my sister. Jesus! Laura was so small and young!" Dylan smiled and Paul found himself smiling in return.

"I saw your mom and Laura when I went back. Laura told me that you were up at the swimming hole." Paul said.

"My mom was there too, huh?" Dylan winced imagining how that meeting took place. She had never liked Paul or the fact that they had been friends, but she couldn't convince her husband to deny Dylan from spending time with him.

"Yeah, she was." Paul said and let his tone convey the gist of what happened.

"I'm sorry."

"It was no different than I remembered. The whole town thought I was scum."

"Not the whole town, Paul." Dylan said and Paul glanced over to see bright green eyes looking into his.

"No, not the whole town. You, Laura, your dad were all pretty good to me." Paul smiled. "It doesn't matter, Dylan. What else do you remember?"

"Well... "

Dylan told Paul all about waking up and cursing his mother out, heading to the store to spend time with his dad and then heading up to the Baker's pond to go swimming.

"And that's all you remember?" Paul asked.

"More or less." Dylan lied but he wasn't ready to let Paul know that. "So what happened when you woke up?"

Paul recounted his own time back in nineteen seventy nine, with waking up and finding his mother alive, getting sent to Mrs. Welch's house and then also going to Baker's pond to see Dylan. He left out the part about his father backhanding him onto the floor though. Some things were definitely better left in the past.

"... and then Sarah and your friends left." Paul ended, not sure if he should continue with the rest of the story. He glanced over and saw Dylan nodding but he wasn't sure if he was nodding because he accepted the story, knew it was a lie, or just happy not to talk about what happened between them.

"It was a crazy fucked up day." Paul said. "Or dream. Or day. Whatever the fuck it was."

"Yeah." Dylan agreed and Paul picked up their glasses to bring them into the kitchen.

He had just rinsed them off and placed them in the dishwasher when he heard Dylan's voice from the kitchen doorway.

"I remember we stayed up there after Sarah and the guys went back to town. We swam more, right?"

"Yeah, I remember that too." Paul said, feeling surprised to find Dylan so close when he thought he was still in the living room.

"And you couldn't go home cause your father was up at his stills and would be drunk when he got back."

"Yeah."

"I remember I stayed with you cause you were going to sleep at the pond overnight. You hadn't had anything to eat that day. We shared sandwiches and chips ahoy cookies and talked about colleges."

"Uh huh." Paul said and turned around to find something to do with his hands.

`Fuck! Why can't I have a dirty dish or something!' Paul thought as he started scrubbing the very clean counters.

"I remember we held hands." Dylan said from just behind Paul.

"We may have done that."

"I remember we hugged and then you kissed me." Dylan said and turned Paul to face him. "I remember I kissed you back. I remember making love to you and you telling me that you loved me right before we came."

Paul couldn't tear his eyes away from Dylan's as he was hypnotized by his voice and his words.

"I remember I hurt you after that. I called you a faggot and I left you up there alone." Dylan said and gently stroked Paul's jaw. "Do you remember that Paul?"

"Yes, I remember that."

Dylan took Paul's face in his hands and looked deep into his eyes.

"I am so sorry."

"Why did you do it, Dylan?" Paul asked as a lone tear betrayed him by slipping down his cheek. "I've loved you for so long and you did that to me. How could you?"

"I don't know. I was confused. I didn't know if it was a dream or real. I thought if we changed too much in the past that might effect the future."

"You're marriage and your ex-wife?" Paul asked disdainfully.

"No, Paul. I would have gladly given up my marriage and my time with Jessica for you."

"Then what?"

"My daughter, Robin." Dylan said simply. "I didn't know if we had already changed too much for her to exist. I couldn't do that."

"I can't really argue with that, can I?" Paul asked.

"You have a right to be angry, Paul. I can't and won't take that away from you. Do you think you'll be able to forgive me?"

"I forgave you as you walked away." Paul said with a sigh. "I had gone there to tell you I loved you and I did. I didn't expect anything more from you."

"You came all that way to tell me you loved me." Dylan said.

"Yeah, I guess I did."

"I'm glad you did, Paul. I love you too." Dylan said and leaned in to take Paul's mouth with his own. Paul pulled back surprised.

"What's going on?"

"I'm kissing the man I love after being separated from him for thirty two years." Dylan smiled.

"Paul, I always had feelings for you. I just thought it was friendship. And I guess I've always been a little attracted to guys. But I did what I thought I was supposed to and that was get married to a woman. When we went back that night and you said what you do to me, my feelings changed. All I knew was that I wanted to be with you but I couldn't change anything because then my daughter wouldn't have been born. I'm not saying I understand what happened or that I did the right thing but I'm here now."

"So I'm just supposed to believe that you want to start a whole other life with me now?"

"I hope you believe that because that's what I want and I pray to God that's what you want to." Dylan said, letting his hands stroke Paul's forearms. "You've loved me for so long, why can't you believe I love you too?"

"I want to Dylan, it's just that-."

"You're scared." Dylan finished for him.

"Yeah. I'm fifty years old and should be settling into my comfortable life, not starting something that could end in disaster when the man I love realizes he made a mistake and is really straight."

"Paul, I don't know what I am other that I'm in love with you. If that makes me gay, then I'm gay and will be for the rest of my life." Paul still looked unconvinced. "Don't you think I'm scared too? I'm as old as your are babe, and I'm wondering how I ended up starting a new relationship, not only a new relationship but one with a man. I'm going to have to come out to my friends and family. Jesus, my daughter! But the one thing that calms me down, the one thing that makes me realize this is the right thing for me to do is that I'm starting it with you. The thought of you being by my side for the rest of my life makes me feel happy and safe and confident and excited!"

Dylan smiled and Paul saw a glint of that eighteen year old boy in his eye. He smiled back and felt the same.

"Take a chance on me, babe."

"You sure you want me?" Paul asked.

"I'm sure." Dylan said.

"Then you got me."

"And I'm not going to let you go." Dylan said and took Paul's hand in his. "Let's go to bed, baby."

They went upstairs to Paul's bedroom and stood in the doorway staring at the bed.

"Are you okay?" Dylan asked.

"Yeah, it's just the last time you saw me naked I was a buff eighteen year old."

"So was I, but that's not the point. It wasn't your body that really got to me Paul." Dylan said and turned his lover's face to his. Bright green eyes stared into bright blue ones. "It was you."