If You Want To Be Happy

"Well then, is Haynes doing something to harass you? Because every time you return from Atlanta you have darkest cloud hanging over you and it takes days to regain your normal attitude."

"John, please let me handle this, I'm a big girl. I know you saved me from that scumbag in Denver, but I've learned my lesson and I need you to trust me."

"It's hard babe and it's asking a lot from a man who loves you. Just remember I'm here for you, just remember not every man has the same scruples and morals as me, your brothers, or your dad. There are pigs out there that aren't above seducing a married woman and if that doesn't work, using liquor or pills to get their way."

I think I scared the hell out of Tess when I mentioned liquor or pills. God, I hope nothing happened this last trip.

And things came to a head within the next month after my warning to Tess.

This is where we came in - where my story started. With me sitting at our dining room table and a stupid song about never marrying pretty women running through my head. Waiting for Tess to come home so I can give her the news. The last few weeks have been murder. Tess has been out of sorts. There's something on her mind that she's not sharing. Something's up.

Tess walked in the door and the look on her face scared me. We'd been married just over two years and I couldn't read it. But I had to get this out of the way, she needed to know.

"Tess, sit down, we need to talk."

Tess's brown eyes got bigger. "I have something important to tell you as well, but you go first."

Maybe Tess's news would make mine easier, maybe.

"Tess, I've been offered a job as COO for Jeff Owens' new start up. He offered me a great salary plus 2% of the company for me to join him. It means moving to San Jose, California. I want you to quit working for these assholes at the bank and I want you to come with me to California."

Tess froze. Why couldn't I read this woman's face? It's probably true that men as just plain clueless when it comes to women because what Tess said next was enough to blow me out of the proverbial water.

"John, I'm pregnant."

"What?"

"John, you and I are going to be parents. I know I should have told you sooner, but I waited until after my second month because I was scared I might miscarry. You need to know today because I gave my two weeks' notice this afternoon. I'm sick of the bullshit at the bank. I should sue their asses, but just want out.

"Yes - I'll go to California or wherever with you. I want to raise our baby and be a mother and housewife. I want to be waiting home for you when you come home from work. I want the life my mother had, no outside job, 100% there for her family."

I jumped up and wrapped my arms around Tess; lifting her to her feet and squeezing tight until I thought of the baby growing in her belly and let go. Yea, I know, but I told you I'm just a clueless man. Of course the baby couldn't be hurt by my hugging Tess and I was excited, dammit.

Tess and I hugged and kissed for a few minutes, she had tears in her eyes and really started crying when I told her my new salary meant she didn't have to work; she could stay home and raise our child and that I hoped this was just the start of our family. Suddenly, Tess stiffened in my arms.

"Wait John, what about Robin? How could you possibly leave Austin with Robin here?"

"That's the best part, babe. The company needs a patent attorney. Roger has already accepted the position. Robin is moving to California with her mom and stepdad."

And that's what we did. Moved to California. Not only did Robin get a little brother when Tess gave birth to our first baby boy, but she got a sister within a year when Sandy had the first of two children with Roger. They live four doors down in the same San Jose cul-de-sac.

Am I blessed? You bet. The company is doing well, we're not filthy rich monetarily, but we have all we need and much of what we want. But most of all, we have love, family and friendship.

Everybody loves when these stories end with the bad guy getting his just desserts, and I did consider physical harm. I may not be directly related to the famous "Al", but that doesn't mean I don't know people in Chicago who would be happy to bust a kneecap or two for a couple grand. Some say living a good life is the best revenge and I can't imagine a better life than mine. But just to make sure I anonymously mailed one copy of the elevator photo to Haynes' wife and another to the HR department at mega-bank. Tess's face is mostly blocked by Haynes', but the mirror in the back of the elevator did a nice job of capturing his.

Before I leave you, I should let you know I found the answers to two mysteries, but one remains.

It turns out Tess is three-quarter Irish and what you've heard about Irish women is true; an Irish woman absolutely loves having sex with the man she loves. It's something in their DNA. Tess's sensual reaction to our lovemaking is her physical way of responding to our commitment since that Friday night so many years ago.

The Chinese character on Tess's back translates as "Truth." Tess had it inked after an incident in college when she misrepresented herself. She felt ashamed and vowed to do everything she could in the future to be honest to herself and others. And to my knowledge, she's kept that vow.

But the bell button stud? I've asked a few times and always get the same response. Tess gets an impish smile, "Someday maybe, if you're still with me when we're old and gray – until then a girl's got to keep a little mystery."

I looked it up and I need to re-write the old Jimmy Soul song from the 60's.

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, better make a beautiful woman your wife, as long as that woman is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside.

I know they don't rhyme, but I like my lyrics better.