Illegal Alien

"Good," I said, 'n all I wanted to do was sleep, except as soon as I did, the nightmares would come 'n fuck, I didn't want to sleep.

"Shit, ma'am." Mendoza walked in. "Reilly's just sent up a bunch more from the waterfront. I put 'em in the pens."

"How many?" I asked, tiredly.

"Hundred or so, 'n he said it's a mix, they weren't holdouts. No resistance. Old apartment building, 'n he moved everyone out and sent 'em up."

"Guess I better start putting them through," I said, 'n there went a squad at least, 'n that'd be one of Delta's platoons under strength. Fuck it.

"Eat, first ma'am," Montoya said. "They'll keep until tomorrow." I nodded. Yeah, they would. Go down, inspect the kitchen, make sure they knew I was keeping an eye on things, eat, 'n then....

I shivered, coz now I was scared of sleeping. Things came for me in the dark, inside my head and I couldn't escape them and I could never wake up from those dreams, and in them they looked at me. Stared at me from those empty eyes, the bodies standing there gouting blood, looks of terror on their faces and they haunted me at night, and they weren't the worst. The worst were the things in my head I didn't remember, except for the terror that lasted even after I woke up, shaking and sweating.

No, I didn't want to sleep and I'd keep going till I dropped, and I did that most days now but it didn't help. The dreams still came.

"Give 'em MRE's," I said. "Toss them some blankets and yeah, tomorrow."

Standing, I almost fell but Montoya was there and once I started walking, it was okay 'n I breathed in as we walked outside, into the cool night air and it was fresh, fresh and clean off the sea, and I emptied my mind and breathed in, in and out, but the tension didn't go like it used to. It was always there, winding tighter and tighter 'n...

"Made some yang chow fried rice for 'ya, ma'am," one of the cooks, Malabanan, she smiled shyly, holding out a large bowl 'n Jesus, it did smell good 'n I took it and I sat down and I ate it. All of it, and it was real good. Shrimps, 'n god, I loved shrimps with that sweet chilli sauce. Anything spicy, really.

"Thanks, Eva," I said on the way out, 'n she smiled that shy smile, 'n I felt good for a moment until I remembered when she'd joined us and how and why, 'n fuck, I wanted to kill again. Anything. Something, coz it'd been that makeshift prison the ratdogs had set up and they'd started killing the detainees as we stormed the building, 'n I'd been right up front with Montoya trying to get in front of me and failing coz I wanted to kill every one of those fuckers, and Brad had only been dead a coupla' weeks back then, and I didn't really care if one of them got me.

Eva. I remembered her. The room, the bodies, half a dozen ratdogs gunning the prisoners down and her family were all around her on the floor, bleeding out as we burst in and they'd missed Eva, and she was standing their, fear and acceptance of death written across her face as I burst through the door and started shooting.

Ratdog scum went down one after the other, fast as I could pull the trigger and that look on her face as she realized we were there to rescue them and then she looked down at her family and she'd known she was the only one left, and I just kind of held her for a second while Standford put a round through each the ratdog's heads, 'n then the medics burst in, going over the prisoners checking for any still living 'n my team, we had to move on coz the shooting was ahead of us 'n we were the point of the spear.

There were more to rescue, a lot more, and there was only us.

We'd rescued a good few that day, but not nearly everyone in there. Lot more ratdogs died and yeah, I was the angel of fucking death that day, 'n Eva stayed right on my ass and she wouldn't leave me, even if it meant running into the bullets and facing death again and again as I led my fireteam through that building, 'n a coupla dozen of the survivors had stuck with my task force once they found out what we did. Eva, she'd been one of them.

Seventeen, and she'd seen death that day. Known she was gonna die and then she didn't and she signed up 'n I couldn't do anything wrong as far as she was concerned. She knew what I did, what we all did, and she couldn't do it herself but she could cook up a storm. Grew up in her Mom and Dad's Filipino cafe and the guys all loved her. Everybody's little sister, Eva was.

"What's wrong ma'am?" she asked, 'n I realized I was standing there with the tears pouring down my face and Montoya had his arm around me, 'n I looked at her and shook my head and stumbled out, 'n I had no idea why I was crying either. Crying 'n shaking and fuck, what was wrong with me?

"Hey, chica," Montoya said, and it wasn't the Captain and Sergeant Montoya anymore. It was Ramon and Jenny and his arm was around me and I was clinging to him and crying into his shoulder outside in the darkness where no-one could see us.

"It's okay, I got you, Jenny," Ramon said, very quietly, holding me and I needed to be held. I needed that, coz I was surrounded by the ghosts of the dead, in my head, and those flamers, those bubbling screams as they flapped and twisted and beat at themselves on the way to the ground, I couldn't make then go away. Not this time.

"I ordered it, Ramon," I choked out."They burnt alive in there and I ordered it and they're still screaming, Ramon. They're screaming in my head and they won't go away." I tried to burrow my head into his chest, and he just held me. Held me tight.

"It's okay, Jenny. It's okay, you'll be fine."

"It's not, Ramon. It's not. I miss Brad so much, I miss him." And I clung to Ramon, sobbing, coz there was that emptiness and that pain where Brad used to be and he was never coming back. Never. And Ramon? Ramon held me tight and I needed that, and I breathed in the security and the masculine smell of him, and I knew Ramon wanted me.

It was the look on his face. He needed me. He wanted me and he needed me and it was the need that called to me. I needed Brad, and Brad was gone, and he was never coming back, but Ramon was here and Ramon needed me and I needed someone. Someone to hold me, and I looked up an him and my arms slid around his neck.

"Ramon," I whispered, my cheeks wet with my tears and he looked down into my eyes and he kissed me. He kissed me so gently, tenderly, and I sank into that kiss, dark and warm and soft and safe and secure as my mouth opened to his, as his tongue slipped into my mouth and met mine, caressed and explored and tasted and he wasn't Brad. He'd never be Brad, but Brad was gone and I needed to be held.

"Ramon," I whispered again as his lips lifted from mine, and my eyes searched his.

"Jenny," he breathed. "Mi alma, my love," and he kissed me again, and I lost myself in that kiss and the ghosts in my head faded, faded with every moment and that tension inside me relaxed, slowly dissipating.

"Jenny," he whispered, and now his face was twisted, tense, worried. "You're Brad's..."

"Brad's gone," I whispered, resting my cheek against his uniform, his shoulder, because he was shorter than Brad. Short and stocky and dark-haired, where Brad was tall and blonde. "Brad's dead, Ramon. He's never coming back and I miss him so much."

"Mi alma," Ramon whispered. "We all miss him and I shouldn't...not with..."

"Hold me, Ramon," I murmured. "Just hold me tight and don't say a word."

He did, he held me tight, he held me in silence and I welcomed that embrace, that warm security in his arms and I knew that was what I needed. To be held, but what about Brad? I loved him so much. I missed him so much and he was gone. Gone and he wasn't ever coming back and there was the baby. His baby, and I hoped it was a boy. Hoped so much, and I knew I had to live for our baby.

"Jenny..." Ramon murmured, and I felt his arousal, his desire, his need and his love? I heard love in his murmured words.

"Ramon." I tilted my face up now. "Brad's gone, I know that. He isn't coming back and I loved Brad." I hesitated. "I love Brad, he was my husband and I'll always love him, but he wouldn't want me not to go on with my life and...." I swallowed. "I'm going to have his baby, Ramon, and he's only been gone a couple of months."

"I know, Jenny," he said, holding me close. "We all know." He held me closer, tighter. "I love you, Jenny. Let me look after you, let me care for you. Let me push away the nightmares, coz I've heard you screaming in the night, Jenny, and I know. Let me take that pain and hold it back for you, let me care for you." He kissed me and there were tears in his eyes. "Let me care for your baby, yours and the Captain's, I'll care for him as if he were my own son, Jenny, coz you know how we all feel about the Captain."

I did.

"I love you, Jenny."

"Ramon." My eyes held his, and inside, the ice began to crack but his arms around me held me together. In Ramon's arms, I was safe and that blackened screaming face with the red flesh beneath the charred surface, that was just a memory now, not a nightmare. "I still love Brad, Ramon. I'll always love him."

"I know that, Jenny, we all loved him in our own way, every one of us." He buried his face in my hair. "Let me look after you, Jenny. Let me hold you at night, let me protect you, and who knows, time passes, wounds heal, maybe...."

His voice held hope, and it was hope I needed. Hope, and safety, and arms around me, holding me, keeping me secure, and our baby would need that safety, that security. Our baby, Brad's and mine, he'd need somebody. He'd need a father, and Brad would understand, I knew that. Brad'd always been the one with commonsense, and almost, I heard his voice whispering in my ear.

"Find a good man to look after you and our baby, Jenny." For a moment, I could've sworn he was in that room with us, but I knew he wasn't. I shivered all the same, wishing he was.

I knew Ramon was a good man. I knew he cared.

"Maybe," I whispered. "Stay with me tonight," and that was all I could give Ramon now, that was all I wanted to give but I knew he understood, his eyes said that, his lips brushing mine were my answer, and I was alive again as we walked together to my room, and the door closed behind us and we looked at each other.

"Jenny," he said, his hands taking mine, and we looked at each other and suddenly I was shy, shy and blushing a little and then I was in his arms again and he was holding me, stroking my hair as I buried my face against his shoulder.

"My alma," he murmured. "My soul, my love," and he knew he loved me. He loved me and he cared for me and he'd hold me tight and he'd chase the shadows away and for tonight that was enough. That was more than enough and I smiled now, smiled a little sadly as I tilted my face upwards for his kisses.

"Shower together," I said, because you can't escape the splashback at close range, and we both had that smell of guns and blood and smoke and death on us, and I needed to wash that away. Scrub myself clean of the blood and the smoke and the scent of death, and we both began to peel off our weapons and our webbing.

"You're beautiful, Jenny," he said as I unbuckled my belt and peeled my trousers off and tossed them into the corner with the other stuff than was gonna go to the laundry in the morning.

"Really?" I asked, 'n I was shy now, blushing as he looked at me but I didn't hide from his eyes.

"Really, Jenny," he said softly, and somehow I knew his voice would always be soft and gentle with me. "You know, back before, I could stop thinking about you, because there was you and the Captain, and I was gonna move on, apply for a transfer, and then..."

He didn't need to say it, and he hesitated and he didn't.

"But you're still here," I said, and my own voice was soft and gentle and vulnerable.

""Yeah," he said. "I had to stay, Jenny, I had to do my best to keep you safe and Maddock, she assigned me..."

"As my bodyguard," I said, half smiling. "Did you ask her?"

"No." He shook his head. "But you needed someone to guard you and it had to be me or Frazer. We're the best."

He wasn't being modest. Those two, they were.

"And Frazer, he knew. He told Maddock to assign me, and she did." He looked at me and that look on his face. Need. Desire. Care. He cared for me and I reached up and I touched his cheek with my hand and there were tears there.

"I love you, Jenny," he said, softly, taking my hand, kissing my fingers. I love you, mi alma." He hesitated. "Let me care for you, let me keep you safe... I ask nothing more, Jenny, nothing that you can't give me."

"Ramon," I murmured. "Oh, Ramon," and I was in his arms again and he was naked against me, his mouth on mine, and his naked body brought heat and desire, his arms around me held me, gave me security and his eyes, dark and burning, they fed me with his strength and I sucked on his tongue, moaning into his mouth as he pressed hard against my stomach.

"Now," I moaned, reaching down with one hand between us to find him and hold him and I knew he needed me and I needed him too. Wanted him. Wanted that comfort and I held him and I stroked him, hot and hard.

His hand joined mine between us, cupping my sex, finger probing and I was wet, wet and slippery and his finger slipped inside me as he kissed me, his tongue probed deep into my mouth as he lifted me up and back, lowering me onto the bed and I spread my legs wide and drew them back for him, and he plunged two fingers inside me, stretching me open, plunging deep as I arched my back, my hand drawing him to me.

"Ramon," I moaned. "Ramon, inside me... I want you inside me."

His fingers slid from inside me, his cock found me as my hand released him and he pushed, entering me and filling me thickly on that first thrust, sliding into me all the way until all of him was inside me and his weight was on me, his eyes looking down into mine as he took me and there was no pause, he was moving inside me, thrusting, plunging, taking, loving, and I knew he loved me.

The rapt look on his face, his eyes searching mine, his hand beneath my head, holding me as his lips found mine and he kissed me as he took me, his chest crushing down on my breasts, his body muscular and powerful on me, my thighs cradling him as he made love to me and I lost myself in that rhythmic thrusting within me, the movements of his body against me, those deep sliding thrusts giving me such pleasure.

"Oh god, Jenny, you feel so good," he groaned, and I gasped, my hands moving, sliding on his back, holding him as he pressed into me and he felt so good inside me, on me, and it was a goodness that I needed, a closeness, warmth and heat and he smiled and I smiled back up at him, no longer thinking, losing myself in his as he was losing himself in me and it was an escape, I knew it was, but it was something I needed.

"Ramon," I moaned, my back arching, mt breath coming in gasps as he thrust and thrust and thrust again, thick hardness filling me, making me his in this moment and he was sliding against me inside, all the way up inside and I could feel him there, high inside as I drew my knees back, opening myself wide, giving myself to him without any restraint and he took and I needed that taking.

He worked himself inside me, jolting me now, each thrust forcing me down against the mattress, his body slapping against mine and his face was tense, strained, the sound of his breathing loud as he took me and I was moaning, moaning and sobbing and gasping as he drove himself into me and he was filling me deeply again and again, sinking himself into me.

"I want it," I sobbed. "I want you, Ramon." And I wanted him, I wanted to give him his pleasure and his release and I wanted what he was giving me. I wanted that security, his arms around me, his body against mine and my own pleasure and excitement grew with every movement of him inside me, sliding into me, thrusting and taking and I was close and I wanted that release so much.

"Jenny," he groaned. "Oh God, Jenny... Jenny."

"Faster," I begged. "Harder, Ramon, make me finish..."

He strained against me, one hand under my butt, lifting me, holding me as he thrust deep and hard and he was riding me now, riding me hard and fast and I welcomed that, wanted what he was giving me, ached for him to finish and he grunted with every thrust now, his cockhead sliding against my channels walls deep inside me and I was wet, so wet and slippery around him as he plunged deep and I shivered and moaned and sobbed.

"Ohhhhhh," I sobbed, and that orgasm that'd been building since before he entered me took me in rapturous pleasure, ripples and then waves of delight washing through me as I collapsed in limp surrender beneath him and he was thrusting hard and I knew he was close and I smiled as he thrust hard up into me, grunting as he came.

Grunting as he erupted inside me, thick hot burts of his semen spurting out high inside me as he found his release deep within me and I gasped, feeling his cock pulsing and throbbing against the walls of my channel where I clasped him and I moaned, moaned and gave myself to him completely until he'd finished and he was lying on me, limp and relaxed, breathing hard.

"I love you, Jenny," he whispered, kissing my nose.

I smiled now, and my lips parted, seeking his kisses and he gave them to me without restraint, still inside me and he stayed there, giving me what I needed, giving me the comfort of his body and the comfort of his love and one day, perhaps one day I could love him in turn but for now, this was all I had to give, and I knew that he accepted that and I slept in his arms.

My eyes opened, slowly, and I was smiling. Nestled against a warm body, strong arms around me, breathing in that masculine scent of sweat and sex and for a moment, just a moment, my heart leapt with joy. Until I realized it wasn't Brad and it hadn't been a nightmare. I knew who it was. Ramon. I remembered in that next moment, and in his arms, I was relaxed and warm and secure, and I'd slept all night, dreamlessly, for the first time in two months.

"You awake now, mi alma?" His voice was a whisper, his hand stroked my back.

"Si, Ramon," I murmured, not opening my eyes, basking in that warmth and security and in his arms around me and his naked body against mine. "What time is it?"

"Five," he said. "Relax, mi alma. Sergeant-Major Maddock stuck her head in earlier, nothing's happening, Kratman's on duty, he told Maddock to tell you to sleep in, and you know nothing gets by him."

"No," I said sleepily. "It doesn't." I was glad Kratman was one of mine. Walked in months ago, old Army Ranger. Been a senior officer, way more senior than Brad but all he wanted was to command a Company in action, and Brad had given him that. I always listened to him, coz Brad had listened to him, so I did, and what he didn't know wasn't worth knowing, and he'd saved my ass, our asses, more than a few times.

Kratman was on, so yeah, I could relax. Except....

"Jesus, Ramon. You think they know 'bout..."

"Us?" He smiled, and yeah, my eyes were wide open and he was smiling that guy smile, and I wanted to smile, and I wanted to cry. "Only Maddock, Jenny, and you know she'd do anything for you." He hesitated. "We all would, Jenny."

I knew he would. Maddock. Some of the others. All of them?

"Close your eyes, mi alma," he said, very softly. "You haven't slept without a nightmare in weeks, not since..." We both knew since when. "Sleep now. Rest."

I closed my eyes, knowing I wouldn't, but I wanted the warmth of his body, the secureness of his arms around me, my body relaxed, and I nestled against him, thinking no, I wasn't going to sleep but I could relax, just for a little....

"Huh?" Sunlight through the curtains and god, what...

"Eight," Ramon said. "Don't sweat it, ma'am. Kratman's keeping an eye on things."