tagHumor & SatireI'm Getting Nothing for Christmas

I'm Getting Nothing for Christmas


Synopsis: A short Flash story and satirical song about a cheating wife who has been caught one time too many

Sex contents: A bit of Sex

Genre: Ribald Holiday Humor

Codes: Satire

Originally Posted at SOL: 2009-12-21


The blame for this story and poem are strictly mine!

With sincere apologies to Sid Tepper and Roy C. Bennett


"I'm getting nothing for Christmas!" Janet Egan sadly spoke out loud to herself, rocking back and forth in her chair. Quite all alone in her misery on this quiet Christmas Eve her voice didn't echo hardly at all in her small motel room. Her fingers endlessly caressed and probed the empty ring finger at the spot where her wedding band of over ten years had been until just recently. Alone and nearly destitute, she was just sitting in her little motel room waiting... just waiting for the official divorce notification paperwork to arrive the day after Christmas. She had nothing to do now except sit and rock away in the little desk chair. Even the television was broken and the surly motel clerk showed no signs of replacing it anytime soon. She couldn't go anywhere else. In fact she was quite surprised that her nearly maxed out credit card had enough available balance to allow her to check into this flea-bag motel for a week. What she'd do next week, she had no idea.

With the lawsuits that her soon to be ex-husband was filing against her previous employer, she wasn't even sure that she'd have a job to go to on Monday. Her final severance check might have to last her for a very long time.

It just wasn't fair at all! Alright, she had violated nearly every single one of her marriage vows, but it wasn't like she had rubbed all of her numerous affairs in her husbands face. Somehow, he had discovered that she had been cheating on him a bit... well rather a lot actually. But it wasn't like all of her ex-marital relationships were done on purpose just to humiliate her husband. Besides, he was taking these little tiny indiscretions all a bit too seriously. Maybe she could try talking to him again in a few days after he had cooled down.

He had definitely over-reacted anyway on the basis of just a handful of photos taken by a snooping private investigator... well that and all of the video footage. And then there were those numerous witness statements and all of the hidden camera footage from those two hotels. Still, hardly anything worth getting all bothered about! Coming home from her business trip to find her remaining clothes packed in suitcases on the front doorstep and her remaining things already packed into moving boxes had really given her a quite unexpected fright. And no, the fine necklace jewelry set that he had previous bought for her and wrapped for Christmas had been already returned to the jewelers. She's snuck a peek inside the Christmas paper wrapping the day before she'd left on her last business trip.

Now it was gone like everything else in her marriage!

She had fooled him so well and so completely for so long that the shock that he knew all about her recent affairs, well most of them anyway, came as a quite unpleasant surprise. Someone had ratted her out and snitched on her, informing her husband of her minor little indiscretions. But who? It seemed like everyone at work knew that she was having nooners with nearly every male in the office and then late afternoon and evening 'business meetings' with her boss, his boss, his top boss, her best friend's husband, his best friend, a dozen or so of their golfing buddies, three of her neighbors. Not to mention the odd casual one-night stand she often picked up at her favorite bar in the lobby of the fancy hotel near her office. Then there were her casual flings with the pool boy, her fitness instructor and two different UPS delivery drivers. Oh, and not to forget her torrid Thursday afternoon lesbian assignations with Lilian in the Purchasing Department.

Upon lengthy reflection, she decided that perhaps she had been just a tad indiscriminate and possibly a bit indiscrete.

Janet rocked some more back and forth in her chair until it was quite dark outside her motel window. Slowly she began to mutter some more, randomly and haphazardly....


I'm getting nothing for Christmas
My poor dear ex-husband is mad.
I'm getting nothing for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

I got bored and had some flings;
Somebody snitched on me.
I banged the pool boy and made him feel like a king;
Somebody snitched on me.
It was just my marriage was in a rut,
So I went out and acted the slut!
Apparently somebody snitched on me.

I stopping wearing undies and I shaved my rug;
Then fucked my manager and then his boss Doug
His salesmen then grabbed and filled my holes to plug;
All three at a time until their cranks were snug;
But somebody snitched on me.

I sucked off two men on my business trip on a plane;
Somebody snitched on me.
Then I met all of their friends and let them run a train;
Somebody snitched on me.
I then fucked my clients until they all begged for more.
Now all my family and friends think I'm just a common whore.
I never guessed there was a gumshoe peeping at the door;
So somebody must have snitched on me.

I guess my dear cuckold hubby thought I was dumb,
To return from a trip with my ass and cunt still dripping cum,
And so well fucked and totally banged like a drum,
But it's sadly far too late to zip my lips mum,
Because obviously somebody snitched on me!

So you better be good whatever you do
'Cause my ex is hunting down all of the guys I blew,
To lay down some hurting upon the men I've screwed,
Not to mention the several cunts I've chewed!
And you'll all be get nuttin' for Christmas too!

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