I'm the Monster Now

"It's not a coincidence," I said. "I'm the monster now." He jumped up and stared at me.

"Gary, sit back down," I said. "There's more to the story. There are a lot of things that Tricia didn't tell you."

"How do you know her name?" he asked. Then he just looked at me and sat back down.

"By the time that you and Tricia had met, I was already curious. I started to think that maybe I'd done something wrong or hadn't done something I should have. I had a PI follow her for a while to see if she was doing something and that was when I found out about you. Surprisingly, your pattern was different from mine. She got you into bed almost immediately. The sex is great isn't it?"

He nodded his head nervously. "Enjoy it while you can. As a word of advice...Do what I did and it will last longer. Read every article you can and keep changing things up. You'll last longer. You see Gary; right now you're the night in shining armor who has ridden in to do battle with an evil fucking monster to save Tricia. Once she gets bored with you...then Gary, you'll become the monster."

"I got in contact with the guy she was married to before me. Gary, my marriage to Tricia lasted for seven years. I'm by far the longest serving husband she's ever had. I truly hope that you can beat my record and..."

"How many times has she been married?" he asked. "I thought you were her first husband...so you were her second?"

"Gary, I was her fourth husband," I said. "Her first, she got married to when she was twenty. It lasted three years. Her second husband lasted five years. The guy before me lasted close to four years. And like me, he never laid a hand on her. I saw him all of that time like some kind of beast, when in reality; he was just another average guy like me. He tried his ass off to hold onto her, not because he wanted to keep torturing her, but because he loved her so much. Even after finding out about me, he was willing to take her back. I don't have that kind of love. So when I found out about you, I strung her along long enough to get the kind of deal he got. I don't have to pay her any alimony and she just moves in with you. You're going to have to be careful Gary. She's going to be forty soon, so when it's your turn, she's going to want some kind of security. If you hold onto her longer, you may end up being the one to foot the bill."

"But...but...b... How do we even know that it's the same woman?" he asked. I passed him my wallet. I kept lots of pictures of Tricia in it since we didn't have any kids. He looked at my wedding photos and pictures from vacations and trips and holidays. In almost every picture, our faces were pressed together like newlyweds and we were smiling.

"It's her," he said sadly. Underneath the sadness, I could see a little bit of anger.

"She looks miserable doesn't she?" I asked sarcastically. "I guess it's because of me torturing her."

I noticed that one of the waitresses was standing near our table. "We're almost done Jessie," I said.

"Oh, I don't care about that," she said. She tossed her head and her long brown curls cascaded over her shoulders. She came over to me and leaned over. "I overheard you saying that you're divorcing Tricia and I wanted to tell you that when you start dating again, you should put me first on your list. You should let me know when that happens so I can switch to an earlier shift."

She got up and smiled again and headed back to the bar.

"Anyway," I said. "I'm only telling you all of this so that hopefully you'll be more successful than I was. And I'm also telling you because as soon as this is all over, I'm moving to a different state to start over. I just don't see the point in remembering all of the places I hung out in with Tricia and seeing them on a daily basis. This way, when your turn comes, if it comes, you won't have to come looking for me, you'll know up front. And remember, you should probably get a pre-nup before you marry her. I'd get the kind where in the event of infidelity she doesn't get shit." He gulped very loudly and took a big swig of his beer.

"From what I understand," I said. "She's like a two stroke motor. She keeps flipping back and forth. She gets off on the cheating and the search for her knight in shining armor. For a little while, the cheating makes the sex incredible. Then it becomes normal and she starts to lose interest. And that's when you become the monster and she has to find a new knight to rescue her from you. You're going to feel pretty shitty for a while when you become the monster, so I want you to remember something. Like I told you already, I met the guy she married before me. He wasn't a monster. He was just a normal guy. He was kind of a sucker like you and me. The real monster here is Tricia. Just remember that and you'll be fine. I already have a few dates lined up and some of them seem really promising." I waved at the waitress as I left. Gary seemed to be really shaken up.

I walked out of the bar, got into my Mustang and peeled out of there. For the first time in a while, I felt better. I felt like my life was ahead of me instead of behind me. Maybe I'd started it out with trickery because the whole lie detector routine was faked, but I'd done something to make life a little bit better for the guy who came behind me. And all of my answers had actually been truthful.

I pulled into my driveway and went into my house. I decided to have dinner out on my deck. I threw one of those precooked lemon pepper turkey breasts into the oven while I lit a fire in my fire pit. I did a few exercises while it cooked. I wasn't out of shape but I had time to get into better shape now that I wouldn't be spending most of my time with a selfish, self-centered woman. My next woman wouldn't be a fucking monster and I intended to take my time finding her. This time it would be true love and...

I stopped ruminating while I went to answer the door.

I looked out through the peephole and saw Tricia standing there.

As I opened the door, she smiled at me.

"Sorry Honey, my key doesn't work," she said. "Can you get my stuff out of the car? What is that smell?"

"Tricia, what are you babbling about?" I asked. "Remember, I signed your divorce papers this morning. You grabbed a bunch of you stuff and moved out. You told me that I could throw anything you left away. You took all of your clothes and loaded them all into that hulking SUV I bought you. Your key doesn't fit because I had the locks changed."

"Ed," she said. "I'm a woman. Maybe I have a hormone imbalance. Maybe it was a test. Maybe I just wanted to see if you'd really let me go or if you loved me enough to fight for me. I don't want a divorce. I never did. Now bring my stuff into the house and get me a plate of whatever that is that you cooked, and then let's go to bed. It seems like ages since we made love."

"Whose fault is that Tricia?" I asked. "For the past few weeks I've been begging you for it every night."

"Well, tonight you're going to get it," she smiled. "Anyway you want it, for as long as you want it, and every night from now on."

"I'll bring your stuff in in the morning," I said. I opened the door, grabbed her arm and dragged her up to my bedroom. Tricia knew that she needed to make things right with me so she was great. I had her in three or four different positions and I even fucked her ass. When I was totally sated, I picked her up and gently carried her down the stairs.

"Ooh, you haven't done this in a long time," she gushed. "This is just like on our honeymoon. You'd wear my pussy out for hours at a time and then carry me downstairs and feed me. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, I didn't turn towards the kitchen. I walked right up to the front door and opened it. I stepped out onto my porch and walked down the three small steps to the ground. Then I unceremoniously dropped Tricia on her ass and walked back into the house.

A second later she was banging angrily on the door. "What the fuck was that about?" she asked. "I told you I love you. We're back together again. How can you treat me like this after what we just did? We just made love. I even let you have my..."

"Fucked," I said.

"Huh?" she asked.

"What we just did was fucked. There was no love in it. The fact that you didn't see the difference makes me wonder if you ever loved me or any of those other poor guys at all. We are not back together Tricia. You asked for a divorce. I agreed to it. The papers are signed notarized and filed."

"But we can cancel that anytime we want to," she said.

"But we don't want to," I said. "I don't want to at least. And you may as well stop lying. The only reason you're here now is because Gary was smart enough to get rid of you before he made the biggest mistake of his life. Good for him. But I'm smarter now too. I'm not going to be your fall back plan."

"But we just made..." she sputtered. "You just used me," she hissed angrily. "You're a monster!"

"God damned Skippy," I said, closing the door and laughing my ass off on the way up to my shower.

The end.