Immaculate Conception

Eventually I said, "I don't know what to say, Michelle. This is going to take some time to process."

I left our bedroom. I wandered around the house in a daze for the rest of the day. I think I ate but I couldn't tell you what. I think the kids played happily all day but I didn't play with them.

I went to bed that night. Michelle lay next to me. She leaned over to hug me. I flinched. She drew back. "You know I love you, don't you Tom?"

"Yeah, I thought I knew it, hon." With that I rolled over and tried to sleep.

Surprisingly I slept quite well that night. When I woke up I lay in bed for a while. Michelle had already arisen. I had made a decision.

I went out for some breakfast. Michelle was in the kitchen cooking bacon and eggs. The kids were over the moon. We rarely had a cooked breakfast so this was a real treat. It didn't take too long to devour what Michelle had cooked.

The kids ran off to play. The two eldest finished getting ready and left for school. Michelle and I sat opposite each other with a coffee.

"How are you, Tom," she asked?

I decided to be honest. "I feel like shit Michelle. I feel like my heart has been ripped out, stomped on and put back in my chest. I have an ache in my stomach that makes me want to vomit."

She looked away, devastated.

"You know what else I feel? When I went over what you told me last night I realised something. In all of your explanations you never once said you were sorry for what happened. What am I supposed to think about that? You told me in intimate details what you did and how you got pregnant. But not once did you ask for forgiveness or say you were sorry. You called yourself stupid and a bitch. You even told me you cried when you realised what you had done. But you never said anything about regretting it. You said you knew you had probably screwed your marriage but nothing about trying to save it."

"But, I mean all of that Tom. I am sorry and I do want to fight for our marriage," she said.

"Then why would you not say anything for two weeks? Why would you only say sorry after I pointed out that you hadn't? How am I supposed to take that? Not one mention of how your mystery lover made you feel, whether it was good or bad or anything."

"Tom I love you, only you. That night meant nothing to me."

"And now you're pregnant. What will we do now? Do you expect me to be a father to this child? To someone else's child?"

"I haven't even thought about that Tom."

"Well I have and I just don't think I can. I don't know. But what I do know is this. I will never be able to trust you again. What we've built up over the years of our marriage has gone and I don't know if we'll ever get it back. To be brutally honest, I don't know if I want to get it back."

"Oh, Tom, how can you say that? How can you do this to me, to us?"

"Michelle, don't for one second think that I'm doing anything to you. You did a great job of that yourself when you decided to spread your legs for a stranger. I can tell you, the first thing I'm going to do is get a blood test. Who knows what you may have picked up and passed onto me. No, I'm not doing anything to you that is anywhere near as bad as what you've done to me. What I am going to do is take some time out. I'm going away for a while. I don't know how long but a while. I'm going to try and process all of this and make a decision based on that. I will ask you not to contact me. I will happily talk to the kids but I need space from you. I'll pack a bag and be gone within an hour."

I got up to leave the table. Michelle was crying. She reached out and grabbed my arm. "Tom," she sobbed, "You don't have to do this. I'll do anything to prove my love for you. Please don't go."

"I actually do have to do this Michelle, for my own sanity. I need time out."

"What will I tell the kids?"

"The truth, Michelle. Tell them the truth, that you did something bad and as a result I've gone away for a while. And while I'm gone I will be talking to a lawyer. I'm not saying that to hurt you or scare you but if the worst happens I would like to be ready. Maybe you should do the same."

I left the kitchen. Within thirty minutes I was ready. I said goodbye to Michelle, got into my car and drove away. I left messages for Janet to try her best to run the business while I was gone and that I wasn't sure how long I would be gone for. I was confident that she would do a good job with it.

I decided to get away from the coast. I loved the beaches, so did Michelle, but I really needed a change. I drove towards the mountains. I eventually found a little village about 6 hours away from home. It was close to some major ski resorts so had plenty of accommodation. Because it was off-season much of the accommodation was empty. I found a little two-room cabin away from the main street of the town and made and paid for a two-week booking.

It was completely self-contained so I bought enough supplies to last me for at least a week. I could stay there by myself without even having to go to town for at least a week.

I spent my days bushwalking and thinking. Somehow the clear mountain air helped. I remembered the good times we had and the kids. If my marriage was wrecked the kids would suffer. That's not fair, they didn't do anything, but that's just a fact.

Michelle was the furthest thing from my mind much of the time. Oh, sure, I remembered her and the good times we had but I thought more about the kids. I loved them so much and didn't want them hurt.

I decided to go home and discuss things with Michelle. One thing I hadn't done was see a lawyer because I was hoping there was no need.

I arrived home without warning on a Sunday afternoon. I opened our front door. The house was strangely silent. I put my things away and looked around. It was as if I'd been away for years, not six days.

Eventually I heard Michelle's car. Then I heard the kids whooping and hollering. They had seen my car. I heard, "Daddy's home, daddy's home," and then they burst through the door and almost knocked me over trying to be the first one into my arms. Luckily I had arms big enough for the four of them.

I hugged them like crazy and told them how much I loved them and missed them. They had obviously been swimming so I told the older ones to take the young ones up to the bathroom and help them in a bath.

Michelle came in. She had tears in her eyes. "Oh, Tom, I'm so, so sorry."

Then the tears started, from both of us. We hugged and cried on each other's shoulders. The kids came in all scrubbed clean and ready for bed. My eldest daughter said, "You aren't going away again, are you daddy?"

I said, "No, pumpkin. I'm not going anywhere."

Michelle and I talked long into the night. I told her again that I would not bring up another man's baby.

She said, "But it's my baby too, Tom."

"Yes, yours and someone else's. I can't and won't be a father to that baby. You can be a mother to it but not in this house. Our children, yours and mine, don't deserve to have to live with a half sibling and I won't put them through it."

Michelle was silent, for a long time. "I'm going to need time to think about this, Tom. It's a life inside me. Innocent, with no knowledge of how it was conceived. I can't just let it go."

"There are people who want kids but can't have them. Think about them too. You could put this child up for adoption."

"Yeah, I can, can't I?"

"And what about your health? The doctor said that it might be dangerous for you to carry another child. I'll be damned if I'm going to lose you because of someone else's child."

She was silent.

"Does the father know?"

"I don't know how to contact him."

"That's easy. Go to the Hotel and tell them you have got his wallet, or something, and you need to get it back to him. Explain that you spent the night in the room. You might be lucky. It'll probably cost a little to get cooperation but that's okay. You need to let this guy know."

She was silent again. I left her there thinking and went to bed. Michelle came in a little later. I think she was surprised that I was in our bed because I heard a sharp intake of breath.

She got into her nightwear and slid in next to me. She put her arms around me and said, "I do love you, Tom. I really do. I'm so glad you're home."

The next day she got up early and left the house. She hadn't told me what she was doing but I figured it was something she needed to do. She was gone much of the day and when she returned she was full of beans.

"So what are you so happy about," I asked?

"Oh, nothing."

I knew damn well it wasn't 'nothing' so I confronted her.

"Come on, I know you, you're up to something. Spill."

"OK but you'll need a drink and a comfortable chair. You're gonna like this story, I think."

I got a drink and sat down.

She began," Last night I had a bit of a revelation. I hardly slept but I thought about what I needed to do. I realised you were right about two things. One, I needed to make sure I was well enough to carry this baby to term. I went to the doctor. Luckily I was able to see him today. I told him of my concerns and he told me that we could monitor the situation with weekly checks, or even more often if I wanted. That set my mind at ease. Then I told him that if there was even a slight chance that this baby was going to mess up my health then I wanted to be rid of it. I agree with you about my health and our kids don't need to lose their mother over this. The doctor agreed with me and put a note in my file about my wishes."

I was happy to hear her say that our kids were important to her. I wasn't sure so to hear her say it was good.

"Then I thought the father needed to know. I went to the hotel with some bullshit story ready but the girl at the desk seemed to know what was going on so she gave me the name, address and company name of the man I slept with. I did a little research and found out that he was a competent worker but by no means spectacularly successful. In fact he had made a few bad investments and was on shaky ground. Then I found out he was married, to a very rich woman who had inherited a fortune from her parents who had inherited from their parents and so on. So he had married into old money. I contacted him at work and said I'd like to see him again. He pretended he didn't know who I was but I was pretty insistent. He said he couldn't so I told him our news. He went ballistic. "How dare you, you slut, how many other men have you fucked," on and on he went. It was crazy. So I thought I'd dig a little deeper. It seems he has a watertight pre-nup that says if he cheats he will be caste out without a penny."

I was wondering where this would be going.

"My devious mind was at work. His wife was a great supporter of the Children's Hospital here and often travels down to see how things are going and how the money she has donated has helped them. In fact, she is in town today. What a coincidence!"

I was still wondering where this was going but couldn't wait to find out.

She went on. "I went to the hospital. There was a bit of a celebration going on, speeches and everything. It seems they were announcing a new cancer ward that she had donated to. There was a garden party afterwards and I found myself talking to her. She seemed a really nice person. I asked about her husband, what he did, whether he was involved in this and so on. She said he wasn't but worked in the family investment business. We got to talking about that. She said he often travelled and in fact was here about a month ago on business. I manoeuvred her away from the crowd and asked her a personal question about her husband's fidelity. She said he'd better be faithful because if he wasn't he would find himself without a wife, without a job and without a penny. I told her that I had met Tom when he was last here. I said that in fact I had more than met him; I had drinks with him, danced with him and screwed him. She was shocked. Why would you be telling me this, she asked me. I said that I was pregnant with Tom's baby and he basically called me a slut and wouldn't talk to me. I assured her that I was no slut, that it was the only time I had cheated on my husband and I could prove that the baby was her husband's.'

I was enjoying this story.

"She took me inside to a private area and we sat down and chatted. She said that she was always worried that her husband might cheat, despite the pre-nuptial agreement he had signed. She said he was the sort of man who would think that he was too clever to get caught. I asked her what she was going to do and she said that if I could provide medical evidence that she would use it in her divorce and be free of him. I agreed. She asked me about how you and I were going. I told her the truth, that we were on shaky ground, that I realised I had made a huge mistake and hoped that I wouldn't lose you forever but would understand if that happened. She told me that the one sure way to show you that I was serious about our life together was to get rid of the baby. I told her that I disagreed with abortion but she was quite persuasive. She told me that if I was willing to wreck my life over another man's baby then it was up to me but she put up a pretty convincing argument for me to abort the baby. I gave her my number and said that she could contact me when she needed the evidence. I excused myself, said I was pleased to meet her, and left."

"So how did you spend the rest of your day?"

"I spent it walking and thinking. I thought about us and how our marriage was going. I conceded that I was going to have to show absolute commitment to you before you could trust me again, in fact, if you would ever trust me again. I thought about what she said, about being serious about our life. And I realised that I was being selfish. I was selfish that night, screwing around because I was pissed at you without knowing what happened. I was being selfish in expecting you to just accept my story without question. I was arrogant enough to think you would bring up this child as your own. I was being selfish in the choice I had made about bringing the baby to term. All throughout this, I have selfishly believed that you would never leave me because you loved me. And I realised that the only way to go some of the way to getting you back was to stop being selfish and start thinking about you and the kids. So I have decided that I will get rid of this baby. Now that I have thought about it, I'm not even really sad about it. I need to concentrate on what we've got and not losing that, rather than what I may get and keeping it all. Tom, I love you and I'll always be sorry that I was so stupid and have hurt you like this. But I'm going to begin to help fix things and the first step is to see the doctor and have a termination."

I hugged her, tightly. "Thank you Michelle. I know it's going to be difficult but I think we can do it."

EPILOGUE

I'd like to say that after the termination everything went back to what it was like but I'd be lying. We're still together and we love each other dearly but it's hard, really hard. I still don't trust her fully and I hate that I'm like that. She is like a cat on a hot tin roof sometimes around me, more concerned about not hurting me than living her life fully. We've still got a long way to go but hopefully we can go on that journey together.