Imperfect Ch. 10

*Two weeks passed, and I refused to talk to Kale, or to see him. Lin called once to tell me that she was coming home, so I would know not to call the house. (Even though I never call the house, he always calls me. But I guess he thought that what happened between us might have changed that and didn't want to take the chance. I couldn't blame him.)

Things were fine between us. I didn't feel the need to see him again and he either didn't have the opportunity or inclination for another visit. I felt like I needed to reconnect with Zoë, so much had happened since I had seen her last. But she proved impossible to get in contact with.

I finally caved and called Glen. He told me that she had gone out of town for the week to visit a cousin of hers. I told Glen that I was sorry for having abandoned all of them. "I don't think I had my head on right for a while there. But I'm working through things. I hope you guys will be willing to take me back."

"Of course, honey. And listen, you'll never believe it but Simone finally found someone!"

"What? No way!" I gasped.

"And get this- he's white! All her homeboys are green with envy. He's in the Army, which is a good thing, because he can hold his own."

"Yeah, anybody dating Simone is going to have to prove himself a time or two."

"Listen, not to cut this short sweetie, but I've got to go. I've got company."

"I completely understand, Glen. Thanks for being so cool about this."

After that, I decided to go out and get some fresh air. It felt good, as if I had been cooped up for a really long time. By the end of the week, before I had been able to talk to Zoë even once, I wasn't feeling so good.

In fact, it was becoming obvious that something was horribly terribly wrong. At first, I thought I had the flew. I was tired all day long, and overtaken by nausea whenever I caught whiff of anything but the most bland food. My head felt like it was full of a buzzing hornet's nest. If anybody else were around, I would have surely been a complete bitch. But as I was all alone in my apartment, I just raged against my canvas, at one point throwing paint past the easel and onto the wall. My hormones seemed out of control. This was stronger than any PMS I'd ever had, and I was beginning to fear the worst.

I bought a home pregnancy test and took it home. I just kept looking at it. I wanted to know, but only if it was going to give me the answer I wanted. The last thing I wanted to do was take it alone. Finally I decided to wait until Zoë got back, and hope that she would be willing to listen to me, perhaps she would sit with me and wait- be there when the results came in.

She called me when she got home. She told me that she was sorry that we fought, and she hoped that we could work threw things. I told her that I was so relieved, and that there was so much to tell her.

"I'm going to buy some champagne so that when that test comes back negative, we can celebrate. Then I'm going to drive over to your place. Do you want to do it there or here?"

I felt like hugging Zoë through the phone. I knew that I could count on her. I hadn't yet told her about Lin though, it was such a huge deal, I had to tell her in person. "Let's do it here. And there's a few more things I have to tell you. But they can wait until you get here. I can't wait to see you. I've really missed you."

"I've missed you too, hun. Now hold tight, I'll be right over. And Nikki?"

"What?"

"Don't worry. Everything's going to be OK. I promise."

I knew that she had no way of knowing that for sure, but I loved her for saying it. And I felt reassured. It would be ok, Zoë said so, Zoë would make it so. I clung to this thought as I waited for her to arrive with wine glasses- full of optimism to the end.

We greeted each other with hurried kisses and a rushed embrace. "Hurry, go take it," she urged me.

In the bathroom, my hands shook as I opened the box. I knew that after this, nothing would be the same. I could feel that in moments my world would turn upside down, and soon everything would be spinning out of control. Despite Zoë's assurances that everything was going to be ok, I felt panic and fear. I swallowed hard and tried my best to keep my hand from shaking.

When I was finished, I set the test on the sink counter and went out to the living room. Seeing Zoë sitting there, waiting to see what I had to tell her, I felt apprehensive. I didn't want to admit to her what had happened. I wanted her only to see the best in me. And yet, it had to be told.

I sat next to her and folded my hands in my lap. "I have something I need to tell you. It's very hard for me to say."

"Go ahead, Nikki. It's ok, whatever it is. We can deal with anything once it's out there and we know what we're dealing with."

"After Kale and I got into our fight, I was really upset. Crying. Hysterical. I just felt so off balance."

"Go ahead," she encouraged. I was afraid that at any moment I would name the deed and her calm demeanor would turn to ice or fire, cutting me with anger and shame.

"Lin called me. I don't know what he wanted. But he heard how upset I was. And he came over to make sure I was alright and- and- I was out of my mind Zoë. I just didn't care anymore- the wall came down and Lin was there. I needed comfort. And he was- there."

"You slept with Lin." Zoë said simply.

I dropped my head. I couldn't bare to look at her. Instead I focused my eyes on my fingernails, touching them and rubbing them with my fidgety fingers.

"Oh God-" Zoë said, suddenly realizing what this meant. "and if you- this could be- it could be- Oh Nikki!" She swept me into her arms and crushed me to her chest with an all embracing hug. She was on my side, she supported me. But she knew the weight of what I had to face.

She pushed me back, encouraging me to sit straight by the way she guided her hands over my frame. She steeled herself, and by association me. "It's ok. It's going to be ok, because the test is going to be negative anyway. We'll deal with the other issue after we see the test."

Our conversation, with all the nervous pauses, deep breaths and resolute gestures had taken the requisite three minutes so I went to check my results. I came out, speechless- stunned into silence carrying the test out in front of me. I presented it for her to see. Both windows were colored with a cheerful pink. The result was positive.

We stared at each other in stunned silence for a moment, and then I let the test drop from my shaking hands. She hugged me again. "We can get through this- we can. Don't worry we will get through this."

I don't know what I would have done without Zoë. She truly was a lifesaver to me. She held me for a long time, and she refused to judge me for my indiscretion. For breaking my code- sleeping with a married man, and Lin no less. She understood my weakness when it came to him. She even told me that she always felt that it was only a matter of time before the inevitable happened between the two of us. I couldn't believe it. I had always thought that I was so strong. That I could resist him. Apparently she had seen something that I had refused to.

The timing of the event made things so muddled. I realized that either Kale or Lin could have been the father, neither of which was a good option. I realized, vaguely that I had options but not taking any of them seriously. This baby was mine, whatever else it was, and it belonged with me. That was the only thing that I knew, the only thing that was sure and true- besides Zoë.

When I told Kale, he reaction was nothing I could have predicted. A part of me wanted to keep it a secret from him, but a sense of honor compelled me to inform him of my situation. I hadn't yet told him that I knew it could be someone else's child. I simply told him that I was pregnant and how far along I was.

"So you want money? Is that what this is about? A little money now or a lot of money later?" I supposed that was his thoughtless way of asking me if I planned to have an abortion.

"I'm keeping the baby. And I didn't come here for money. I thought you should know, that's all."

"Why? It's not like it's mine. What with all the men you've probably been with- that baby could be anybody's."

I hadn't suspected until then, the depths of his jealousy. But what he said next stunned me anymore.

"I don't know what you think, but that babies not mine. And you'll never be able to pin it on me. I have a reputation in this town. I don't father illegitimate children with some nobody painter. If you try to say any different, I can make life very difficult for you."

The words stung beyond belief. All the time that he had been with me, had he been thinking of me this way? Just as some cheep inferior white trash piece of ass- another possession to acquire and then discard or trade off when he found a toy he liked better? Or was he just lashing out, repaying me for some unknowing slight? For refusing to let him tie me down as figuratively as he had always enjoyed doing literally?

From his demeanor, I knew that it was both. I had refused him denied him something that he wanted. And he was not used to being refused. And yet he was right about the other stuff too. He had a reputation as a man of good standing. It would cause a scandal for him to be the father of this child. The kind of scandal that he was accustomed to using his money to make go away.

I was angry at him for his attitude and reaction. I never told him that there was a possibility that it could be somebody else, because he just assumed that it could be anybody. Even though, the whole time we had been together, there had been no one else besides Zoë, he was not willing to believe that. He could only believe the worst of me. That I refused to declare myself monogamous because I wanted to keep having sex with as many men as possible. His low view of me, along with his accompanying contempt made me come close to hating him. The only thing that stopped me was the realization that if he had wanted to claim this child- I could be facing even worse circumstances than this. A fate I did not even want to contemplate. I crossed my fingers and hoped that he would not change his mind. But knowing all I did about him, I could safely say that was unlikely.

The second possibility was also a problem. Unlike Kale, Lin was a person who was dear to me. True to my word I didn't hold him responsible for what happened between us, and I didn't want to do anything to come between him and his wife. The truth was- I loved Lin in my own special way, but I didn't want him for a husband or even a boyfriend. Zoë and I agreed that either way, the paternity of the child would be protected, classified information. Whatever it would take, even letting the hospital and anyone else that enquired simply believe that I just didn't know who could have fathered my child. Let them judge me, I had been judged before.

The conversation with Lin, may well have been more painful than the one with Zoë. He told me that he would not deny this child if it was his, that he would leave his wife and take care of me. I told him no. I didn't want to ruin his marriage, and that I would protect him. He could see my baby, and be an honorary uncle if that was his wish. I knew that he was not really ready to leave his wife and that this kind of news would be far more than she would allow. I knew that he wanted this way out, and yet I felt that he really wished he could do what he saw as the more honorable thing. I had to assure him that there was no honor in destroying his family. That Zoë and I would take care of things, that the child- who's ever it was, my child, would have a good life. And so would he.

I convinced him of what he already knew. He would tell no one and neither would I. Things would stay just as they were. Only everything would be different. He gave in- with just enough fight to feel that he had tried to do the right thing. And I really did appreciate the thought- as they say. A part of me doubted that he ever would have followed through, but I had no desire to ruin his life just to confirm my worst fears about him. Instead I chose to believe the best. And we chose to protect each other.

Zoë and I steeled ourselves for the coming storm. I began moving in with her, but kept my apartment as a studio for my painting. I realized that I just didn't want to be alone during this trying time. She agreed to be my birthing coach, and co-parent. We agreed that we would continue to have an open relationship, but that we would begin to be more low key about it, and that the relationship between the two of us would be taken to a new level.