In a Perfect World

I shook my head. "I won't be nineteen until March, so I probably shouldn't be drinking."

"No, you shouldn't." He didn't ask me how I bought the beer in the first place, and I was glad for that.

"You know, I never did catch your name," I said.

"Jake. Again, excuse my poor manners." He held out his hand, and I shook it, enjoying the feel of his warm skin on mine.

"No problem. I'm sure you have a lot on your mind. How's your mom?" I traced the worn upholstery on the chair with my fingertip.

Jake stared down at the beer clasped in his hands. "She's dying," he said. "Lung cancer. Doctors say it could be any time now."

I tried to hide my confusion. Why wasn't he in his mom's room right now, at her bedside? "I'm so sorry."

Jake cleared his throat. "They have her on a lot of morphine. Sometimes she knows who I am, but other times she doesn't recognize me. She sleeps a lot."

"That's probably best."

"Yeah." He took several swallows of beer. "You know, I feel strange sitting here drinking by myself. I saw a drink machine outside near the office. Let me give you some change, and you can at least get yourself a soda."

"Oh, I'm fine," I assured him. My gaze drifted to the television, which was muted. "What are you watching?"

Jake glanced over at the set. "Some documentary. Honestly, I wasn't paying much attention to it." He turned back to me. "So, did you grow up here, Morgan?"

"Yep. Born and raised here," I said, then sat up quickly. "Shit, do you mind if I use your phone? It's a local call."

"Not at all."

"Thanks." I hurried to the phone on the night table and dialed out, punching in my grandmother's number. She answered on the second ring. "Hi, Grandma," I said, giving Jake an apologetic smile.

"Morgan, where are you? It's almost ten. Didn't you get off work at nine?"

I twisted the phone cord around my finger. "Yeah, but I decided to stop by Leah's on my way home. That's where I am now. She left work sick, and I wanted to check on her."

"Well, okay, but you should come on home soon before it starts snowing."

"I will, Grandma. See you in a bit." I hung up the phone and returned to my chair. "I live with my grandmother, and she worries if I'm late," I told Jake, and he nodded. I leaned forward, racking my brain for a way to keep the conversation going. "So what do you do in Springfield?"

"I'm a lathe operator at a machine shop," he said.

I had no idea what that was, so I just smiled and nodded. Occasionally I glanced at Jake's scars, though I tried to look away from them as soon as I did. I was afraid he would notice. He must have been sick of people gawking at him, or maybe he'd grown used to it. I was certainly no expert, but it appeared as though he'd had the scars for a while. They'd faded to white, like the scar I had on my thigh from when I wrecked my bicycle almost ten years ago.

Did Jake even notice those marks when he looked in the mirror now? I couldn't help but wonder. Or were they just another part of him, like the shape of his nose or his eye color?

"About today," I said. "I just want you to know I really am sorry about that."

Jake shrugged. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Well, you shouldn't have been treated that way. Will's the owner's grandson, and he thinks he can get away with murder."

"Sweetheart," Jake said, and I felt my knees go a little weak. God, I was pathetic. "I've had these scars a long time. I've heard a lot worse."

I stared down at my hands in my lap. "That doesn't make it okay," I said softly.

"No, but that's life. In a perfect world, a sweet girl like you wouldn't have to work with a creep like him, but we both know this isn't a perfect world."

"I'd still like to slash his tires, though," I muttered, and Jake laughed.

"He's not worth you getting in trouble. And even if you did slash his tires, it sounds like his grandmother would just buy him new ones."

"You know, you're right," I said, laughing along with him. Jake finished his beer, and I stood. "I guess I'd better go."

He set the empty beer can aside and got to his feet. "Um, if you want to stop by tomorrow, I'd like to see you again. I'll be here at least a few more days."

I could feel my face light up, and I didn't try to hide it. "Sure," I said. "I've really enjoyed talking to you."

Jake moved a little closer to me. "Just call first and make sure I'm here and not at the hospital."

I nodded, and he walked me to the door. Turning to him, I fidgeted with my coat zipper. "This town is boring as hell, but if we don't get snowed in, maybe we could grab a bite to eat tomorrow—not at Mildred's," I hurriedly added.

Jake smiled. "Sounds good, Morgan." He opened the door for me, and we saw fat snowflakes drifting to the ground. "You drive safe."

I stood on my tiptoes and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Good night, Jake."

Before I left the motel, I stopped by the office and poked my head inside. "I'm still alive," I told Sandra.

She looked up from some papers and grinned. "Good to know. Was he a gentleman?"

"Absolutely."

The roads were nearly deserted, so it didn't take me long to get home. I found Grandma dozing in her favorite chair in the living room. The local news was just beginning, the volume turned low on the television. "Grandma," I said quietly so I didn't startle her.

Her eyelids fluttered open. "Oh, hi, Morgan. Is it snowing yet?"

"Started just a little while ago." I shrugged out of my coat.

"Did you have any trouble getting home?"

"No, the roads are fine. I think I'm going to bed."

"I'm right behind you," she said. "I just want to see the weather forecast."

I kissed the top of her head, her white hair soft under my lips, and then I went down the hall to the only bathroom in the house. I normally took a shower when I got home from the restaurant to wash the smell of grease from my skin and hair, but I was too tired tonight.

After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I went to my room at the end of the hall and changed into a nightshirt and sweat pants. The room was a little chilly, and I burrowed under the covers of my bed.

Grandma's house was small; each room felt cramped since it contained decades' worth of her belongings. My room was even tinier than the others, barely large enough for a bed, night table, and small dresser. When I moved here from my mom's house a few months ago, I left a lot of my stuff behind, wanting a fresh start. I didn't have room for much here, anyway. I figured Mom, or more likely my stepfather Chuck, had hauled most of my possessions to the dump soon after I left.

The lamp on my night table provided enough light for me to read, and I tried to lose myself in a Stephen King novel, but my thoughts kept wandering back to Jake. I finally set the book aside and turned off the lamp.

It had been months since I'd touched myself, and now I slipped a hand under my shirt to play with my nipples. Stifling a moan, I imagined Jake fondling my breasts with his large hands. My nipples hardened, and I gave them a gentle tug, which made me grow wet between my thighs.

I was about to stroke myself there when I heard the hallway floorboards creak as Grandma went to her bedroom. Yanking down my nightshirt, I squeezed my eyes shut and sighed, feeling like I'd been caught at something dirty. I wondered if the shame I'd carried around for the past several months would ever go away.

Curling up on my side, I tried not to think of Jake, but of course I did, and when I fell asleep, I dreamed of him too.

***

I slept late the next morning, and when I woke, I found it was after ten. Not bothering to change out of my nightclothes, I walked to my bedroom window and peered outside. The big winter storm predicted in the forecast had turned out to be a bust. A few inches of snow, at most, coated the ground. I was off work today, and aside from a few chores around the house, I had no plans except to see Jake later on.

I padded down the hall in socked feet. The television was blaring in the living room, and I looked inside to find my little brother Eddie on the sofa, his eyes riveted to the screen. An open bag of pork rinds was nestled in the crook of his arm. "Hey, what are you doing here?" I asked him.

He glanced at me. "Chuck was getting on my nerves, so I asked Mom to drop me off here this morning. Why? You got a problem with me being here?"

I rolled my eyes. If he was this testy now, at age twelve, I hated to imagine what he'd be like in a few years when he was in the throes of teenage hormones. "Of course not," I told him. His brown hair was a little too long, and I noticed that he was starting to look more like our dad. Not that I had a clear picture of what Dad looked like now. I hadn't seen him in years, since he moved to Florida with his much younger girlfriend after his divorce from Mom.

I wrinkled my nose as Eddie chomped on another pork rind. "Ugh, how can you eat that stuff this early in the morning? Did you have breakfast?"

"This is breakfast."

"No, it's not. I'll make you some eggs and toast, okay?" He shrugged, which I interpreted as a yes. On my way to the kitchen, I asked, "Where's Grandma?"

"It's Saturday morning, remember?"

"Oh, yeah." Every Saturday, rain or shine, Grandma went to her quilting circle at a friend's house.

My appetite normally wasn't great, but this morning, I actually felt hungry, so I made myself some food, too. Once the eggs and toast were ready, I prepared two plates and carried them to the table. After pouring glasses of orange juice, I called Eddie in from the living room.

He slinked into the kitchen and sat down across from me. I watched him eat for a few minutes and then asked, "So, Chuck's being an asshole?"

Eddie took several swallows of juice and nodded. "He was fighting with Mom about money. He said she spent way too much on me at Christmas, and now we have to watch every penny. I just wanted a new bike, not even a fancy one." He lowered his eyes, and I recognized the guilt eating away at him.

"Hey." I leaned forward. "Mom could have given you coal for Christmas, and Chuck would have bitched about it." Eddie laughed, and I was happy to see his face brighten. "You can't pay any attention to him."

Eddie looked up at me. "You didn't even come over for Christmas. It really sucked not having you there."

I pursed my lips together, trying to think of a reply. "You know Chuck and I don't get along," I finally said. "That's why I had to move out. And you and I celebrated Christmas together here at Grandma's."

"Mom cried when Grandma told her you weren't coming for Christmas dinner. I know you hate Chuck, but why are you mad at Mom? She didn't do anything."

I felt a surge of bitterness inside me, and I struggled to hide it. Eddie didn't need to know about my resentment toward our mother. "Mom's welcome to come over here and see me. That way, I don't have to be around Chuck." I nodded toward Eddie's plate, trying to change the subject. "Finish your breakfast before it gets cold."

After Eddie had cleaned his plate and returned to the living room, I washed up the breakfast dishes and put a load of laundry in the washer, then decided to clean the bathroom. I figured if I kept myself busy, the day would pass more quickly, and it would soon be time to call Jake.

As I got on my knees and scrubbed the inside of the tub, I thought of the way Jake looked last night with his shirt unbuttoned. My mind conjured up the image of what he would look like completely naked, and I blushed, feeling ashamed. I couldn't help but wonder if Jake had imagined me naked, too. Maybe after I left his room last night, he unzipped those jeans and took out his cock to stroke it while he fantasized about me.

I shook my head, trying to focus on the present task. He might not even be attracted to me, I reasoned. Maybe he was just being nice.

By the time my chores were done, Grandma was home. "Did you have fun?" I asked her.

She shrugged. "Same as usual. Myrtle complained about her bad hip almost the entire time, and Harriet gossiped about her neighbor, who's supposedly running around with a married man."

I knew all too well how damaging idle gossip could be. "Harriet shouldn't be talking about people that way."

Grandma waved a hand. "I know it. I didn't encourage her, but some of the others did. I said something about those who were without sin casting the first stone, and that shut their mouths."

I glanced around. "Where's Eddie?"

"Outside with some of the neighborhood kids. They're trying to make a snowman, but I told them there's not enough snow to bother with. Still, it keeps them occupied."

"Well, I'm going to take a shower, and then I think I'll visit Leah for a while this afternoon."

"Oh, that's right, you're off work today. Have fun then, and be careful driving out there." Grandma turned on the television and then settled into her chair.

In the shower, I used some nice-smelling shampoo and conditioner, and I shaved my legs and under my arms. Once I stood before the bathroom sink, a towel wrapped around me, I used the hair dryer and tried to put a little bit of curl in my straight hair. I thought about dragging out my old curling iron, then decided against it.

Aside from some lip gloss and a bit of blush, I didn't use any makeup. I wanted Jake to see me as I was. How many hours of my life had I wasted primping and preening for Kevin before he dumped me last year? Could Jake find me attractive even if I didn't get all dolled up for him?

I guessed I would soon find out.

In my room, I dressed in jeans and a soft blue sweater and then dabbed a drop of perfume on my wrists. Then I picked up the receiver of the phone in my room. I'd scribbled down the motel number from the phone book in the kitchen earlier, and my hand shook as I attempted to dial it now.

A man answered the front desk phone, and I didn't recognize his voice. One of Sandra's part-time employees, I thought. "Room 12, please," I said, and he put me through.

Jake answered, and I squeezed my eyes shut, not realizing just how nervous I was until that moment. I sank onto the edge of my bed. "Hi, Jake. It's Morgan."

"Morgan, hello," he said, and he sounded genuinely pleased to hear from me. I couldn't help but smile as I asked him how he was doing. "I'm okay," Jake told me. "I spent several hours at the hospital this morning, and it was... difficult."

"I'm sorry."

"Thanks. It's...uh... almost four now. Would you like to get an early dinner?"

"Sure," I said. "I can be there in about fifteen minutes."

"Great."

I hung up the phone and pressed my knuckles to my lips, fighting the urge to squeal in excitement. Then I grabbed my purse and headed for the living room.

Eddie was back in front of the television, his cheeks still red from the cold outside. Grandma sat in her chair, head tilted back as she snored. Eddie glanced up at me, and his eyes narrowed. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"To see a friend," I told him as I pulled on my coat.

"Is it a boy friend?" Eddie demanded.

I frowned at him. "I'm going to see Leah, not that it's any of your business."

Eddie pressed his mouth into a hard line. "It is my business," he insisted.

I stared at Eddie, flabbergasted. "And why is that?"

"Because I'm your brother, and people in this town already talk about you enough as it is. When kids in my class call you names, I end up having to fight them, and I lose a lot of the time." His voice rose with each word he spoke, and I couldn't believe our grandmother slept through it.

Hot tears burned my eyes. "You don't have to fight anyone for me, Eddie. I don't care what those creeps in your class say about me."

"Well, I do!" he shouted.

Grandma started awake and looked around in confusion. "What's going on?" she asked.

"Nothing," I said. "I'm going to see Leah."

I hurried out of the house before I started crying, and the cold air helped calm me as I drew in deep breaths. I'd had no idea that the rumors about me were affecting Eddie, too. When I imagined him getting into fights with bigger kids, being punched or kicked, and then punished by the principal just for defending me, I wanted to sit in my car and bawl my eyes out.

I sat behind the wheel for a long time, willing myself not to cry. Was it selfish of me to be seeing Jake, who was pretty much a total stranger? If word got out around town, it certainly wouldn't help my reputation.

But I couldn't let these small-minded people control me, I told myself. For the first time in months, I felt happy, and Jake was the reason for that.

The roads were clear, and I had no trouble reaching the motel. I parked my car in front of Room 12 and smoothed my hands over my hair before getting out. Jake answered the door soon after I knocked. "Hi there," he said, giving me a warm smile and holding the door open for me.

"Hi, Jake." I stepped into the room. The bed was made, and while his suitcase was now open, his clothes were folded neatly inside.

"Let me grab my jacket, and we'll head out. Any idea where you'd like to eat? You know what's good around here."

"How does pizza sound?" I asked. "There's a great place just a few miles away."

"Sounds great." Jake stepped closer to me, and I breathed in his scent. He smelled clean, fresh. I saw that his hair was a little damp and knew he'd showered before I came over. That led me to imagining him in the shower, running the bar of soap over his skin, and I had to mentally change gears fast.

We drove to the restaurant, making small talk about the weather, the lack of snow the night before and the possibility for more in the next couple of days. The mountains were dark around us, their trees bare.

The pizza place wasn't yet busy, and I looked forward to having a quiet meal with Jake, but when we stepped inside, I spotted Jessica, a girl from my high school class, approach us with menus in her hand.

I felt my heart plummet into my stomach. Jessica and I had never been friends; she ran around in Will's circle, and she'd been one of the worst at spreading rumors about what happened at his party last May.

Jessica looked from Jake to me and didn't try to hide her smirk. "Hi, Morgan. Haven't seen you around in a while."

I tried to act normal so Jake wouldn't think I was uncomfortable being seen with him. Giving Jessica a smile, I said, "Yeah, I've been busy working. Speaking of which, I had no idea you were working here now." I hoped she detected the venom in my remark.

"Just started a week ago. The manager keeps giving me crappy shifts, though, so maybe I'll apply at Mildred's." She led us to a table right up front near the register.

After Jessica took our drink orders and left the table, Jake looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "Is she a friend of yours?" he asked.

"Absolutely not," I said. "We went to high school together." I wanted to change the subject from my past, so I asked him, "How's your mom doing today?"

He stared down at the table. "This morning, she was worse than I've ever seen her. She seemed lucid enough, but she started crying and kept saying over and over that she doesn't want to die."

I winced. "Oh god, I'm sorry, Jake. I can't imagine how painful this must be for you."

He cleared his throat and shifted in the chair. "We were never very close," he said. "Before she got sick, I hadn't spoken to her in years, so I'm kind of at a loss right now as to how I can help her."

Without thinking, I extended a hand and placed it over his. "I'm sure she takes comfort in you being here for her."

Jake sighed. "Maybe. Or maybe I'm doing more harm than good."

Jessica returned with our drinks, and we ordered a pizza with the works. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving," Jake said when we were alone again. "The hospital cafeteria food is pretty rough."