tagHumor & SatireIn a Perfect World Ch. 02

In a Perfect World Ch. 02


I've been accused of exposing heretofore unknown male secrets in "In a Perfect World", albeit facetiously. In a previous work I wrote about how to pick up attractive young women---married or single---essentially a guide for older men. I'm feeling a little guilty. I've neglected an important subject and a major segment of the population. So, this short piece is for the women out there---women who are trying to find the right man, attract the right man and ultimately end up in a relationship with said right man which has some promise of longevity or permanence.

This is not like baking a cake from a mix; you're going to have to take some initiative and figure out some things on your own. If you are totally incapable of subtle seduction, are universally recognized as annoying, pick your nose in public, don't floss---or have any of a million other obvious shortcomings too numerous to list, I can't help you.

On a very serious note: Romance is a luxury. My son reminded me of that fact last evening. Relationships are hard work, time consuming and resource heavy. If you have serious character defects, personality disorders, addictions or are just plain struggling every waking hour and using every bit of energy in your being to survive, a love interest isn't going to fix things and you will undoubtedly fail and fail miserably if you attempt to enter into a romantic relationship. Get your life together before you even think about it.

We are going to assume at the onset that you are remotely attractive, have no criminal record, aren't listed in the national sexual predator database, know how to dress attractively, understand the finer points of makeup (which you can learn, for heaven's sake, at the Clinique counter at Macy's), are reasonably literate and articulate, visit your dentist regularly and don't have your sister or your roommate cut your hair. You turn a few heads; guys find a reason to talk to you---even hit on you. So on to a "how-to" as it regards Mr. Right.

We'll take this in seven phases: Selection, Observation, Contact, Advanced Interaction, Primary Seduction, Advanced Seduction and finally, Closing the Sale. I assure you this information will be more useful than crap written by women in women's magazines.


The best places to meet desirable men: where you work, where you live, where you eat, where you shop and where you play. The worst places to meet men: bars, on-line dating services, pre-trial detention and AA meetings. With so many women in the workplace, your best chance is probably at work; if not within your company, possibly a client company, the same office building or through trade and professional organizations. It is always easier to do more complete investigation and research if he works in the same company you do. Based on which floor his office is on, you can gain a pretty good grasp of his level of success and financial status.

I am not remotely discounting the other possible venues. Join your homeowner or condo association. If the men at the gym you attend are fat, old or gay (or some combination of all three) shop around and join another one. If the only people who eat lunch where you do are other women or gay men---eat someplace else. JoAnn's Fabrics is not generally the perfect place to meet Mr. Right (I said generally! If I were giving advice to males I would absolutely recommend that they check out the closest fabric store).

Home Depot and Lowe's, a golf store if you like the game and can play, the Men's department at Nordstrom's, any electronics store and book stores---Borders is the best. Consider changing your hair salon to one which caters to men. If you have a favorite sport or hobby, obviously hanging out at a place where men practice that hobby or play that sport makes nothing but sense. There are myriad other possibilities; maybe you have a favorite charity or cause. I don't have the space to list them all. Use your imagination.

Back to finding Mr. Right in the work place. If you work the night shift in the basement and are never permitted out of your tiny cubicle, your opportunities are dramatically reduced at the onset. Otherwise, consider adopting the old Tom Peters principle known as MBWA---Manage by Walking Around. Find a reason to explore your building---preferably the floors above, not below you. Most offices are open, glass front affairs so it's not that difficult to peruse the merchandise. As long as you look like you know what you are doing---are on an important mission---no one is going to screw with you. Make it a point to come to work on occasion at the same time most other people do. Check out which men get out of which cars. Take your coffee break in the cafeteria. Linger in the lobby as people are coming and going.

Hypothetically, let's assume you've picked out a handful of potential targets. You've either slipped in behind them at the sign-in desk, nonchalantly followed them to their office, read the luggage tag on their briefcase---whatever! You have a name; preferably more than one. You didn't note a ring although that is less of a sure thing these days. You snuck a peek in his car and doubted that rug rats had ever been in there. There's not one of those, "My child is an honor student at Bumply Prep" bumper stickers on his car.

Now, if you work in HR---just cheat. Look up his personnel record and find out if he's married. If you don't work in HR, you'll have to be more devious. You could just walk up to him and ask: "I love that tie! Where did you buy it---or did your wife pick it out for you?" There's also an even more direct approach: "Excuse me. I'm looking for Mr. Right. On first impression you made the semi-finals. Are you by any chance married---or gay?" That one takes lot of guts---but it sure saves a lot of time and aggravation. I would personally respond very favorably to that approach but it probably won't work with every guy.

Secretaries and administrative assistants know everything. Get to know them; be nice to them; they can save your ass and make your day both professionally and personally. You have to come up with some legitimate excuse to be on his floor speaking to an admin or secretary reasonably close to his office---if not, in fact, his admin.

"I didn't know Don's office was over here! He seems very (pick one) nice, sharp, cute, hot, professional. His wife is one lucky girl. Or, was that his wife I saw him with in the cafeteria the other day?" Or even, "I'd really like to bag him, fuck him and marry him---does he have a wife or significant other than I can't beat out?"

Again, if you're not creative enough to get past this point, you need personal, one-on-one instruction and I charge big bucks for that kind of work. Then again, maybe we can work something out.

Hopefully you got the right answer, not something like, "Don't waste your time, honey; he's not into girls." Or, "he's single again; let's see... was this wife number three or four...no, five, I think?" On to the observation with a caveat: don't drill down to a single candidate yet. If in the observation phase you discover that one of your candidates eats lunch at the nearest all-nude bar or shops over lunch at the closest BDSM emporium, you may end up being disappointed. Then again, maybe not.


Observation is also a lot like stalking. You've already done quite a bit of it in order to eliminate the undesirables. Go on line and spend $59 for a records search. You'll find out if he has any priors or judgments against him. You'll find out where he lives and any outside business interests he has, not to mention former addresses. You can drive by his house and make sure there isn't a Hot Wheels in the driveway. You should keep a journal; figure out when he come and goes, where he has lunch, where he plays or keeps fit, where he buys his morning coffee, how he interacts with others and who he hangs out with.

This phase lasts as long as you need it to last. If there are no obvious alarm bells after a few days, it's time to move on to the Contact phase which will also allow you to continuing observing, only a little more closely.


Contact can be as simple as arranging to get out of your car just as he gets out of his, or on the elevator or whatever so that you can have a reason to make small talk. "Nice that we're having weather" is pretty lame, although the weather is generally safe ground. "How do you like your Mercedes ten million XLZCDFER? I've been thinking of getting one." Just be damn sure you bothered to go by the dealer and know something about the damn car.

You make the contact. You smile. You do not introduce yourself unless he does so. You cut off the contact before he has time to do so. "Oops! Forgot my security badge. Have a great day." This is first contact. Subsequent contact will occur with more frequency but not so often that he realizes you are stalking him. That occurs at the next stage, Advanced Interaction.

Advanced Interaction

Find out if there is some way you can have an excuse to be in the same room with him at the same time. Volunteer for a task force. Attend a seminar he is leading. See if there is any reason in the world you could have a legitimate business purpose to knock on his door or schedule time on his calendar. If all else fails, introduce yourself to him in the cafeteria line or at the coffee shop. "I think we chatted in the parking lot the other day and I'm sure I've seen you in Starbucks before. I'm Virginia Craig---Ginnie. I'm in accounting."

Extend your hand professionally. He should shake it and introduce himself. You might be able to walk with him and sit at the same table with him. If he is joining a whole bunch of guys or people from his own office---defer. You want his undivided attention---one-on-one. You don't want to be the outsider at a gaggle. If he is already interested and thanking his lucky stars that you spoke to him first and he'd really like to get to know you---he'll blow off his buds or workmates and invite you to join him. Then, it's on to Primary Seduction---which will tend to overlap with Advanced Interaction.

Primary Seduction

If he is remotely interested at this point you will not have to work alone in finding ways for the two of you to meet, bump into each other or whatever. He will be your willing, if oblivious, partner in crime. He will be looking for reasons to be where you are. He might suggest you go to lunch together, for business purposes, of course. Maybe he hits golf balls at the driving range after work. Over lunch he's going to the mall to buy a special gift for his admin. She just had a baby and he'd like a little help navigating Babies-R-Us. It's still purely platonic and professional.

Eye contact! Hang on his every word. If he never let's you get a word in or doesn't pay attention when you speak, cross him off your list. The hair---always the hair! Smile, work on this one! If your damn hair doesn't move---get a new style and back off the damn White Rain! You need to develop a range of smiles...each one more alluring than the last one without getting lewd. Carefully begin creeping into his personal space.

Maybe at Babies-R-Us he picks up a baby toy, turns to you and asks, "What about this?" You're standing a few feet away. You could just answer him. But you don't. You move in close, looking over his shoulder. An inadvertent touch of your two bodies---upper only at this stage. You turn to him to answer. You oral hygiene is impeccable. Your lips are inches from his as he turns to look at you. You look fabulous. You smile, thoughtfully. He's actually made a damn good choice. "That's really adorable!" you whisper and then, maybe just a brief hand on the shoulder. Hand on the shoulder---count one, two, three---then remove. Extended hand contact only occurs in the next phase---Advanced Seduction.

Advanced Seduction

This phase is a little easier if you actually go on a real date but let me relate a short anecdote about a dressy awards dinner I once attended. The woman in question had already received a perfect 4.0 up to this phase. She didn't need to finagle a way to sit next to me at dinner. We'd known each other for years, albeit only professionally. We'd always enjoyed chatting. We sought each other out during cocktails after attending to our respective business-social obligations---ensuring that we were together as the call came to move into dinner.

The seats were very close together which made her task even easier. We amused each other with irreverent banter through dinner. When the ceremony started, we had to whisper very quietly to avoid being distracting. That meant lips millimeters from ears and very, very soft whispering.

Looking back, each time she would speak, she would touch me. When we stood up to applaud a winner, her entire body would crush up against me, lips very close again as she would make me laugh with some funny comment about the winner. Toward the end of the ceremony she kicked it up a notch and actually touched me on the knee or thigh when she wanted to say something---and turned her body toward me. The ceremony ended, the dance floor was open and a band began to play. She took my hand and led me to the dance floor. We only danced twice. During the second dance she hugged me very tight and I could sense her breathing increasing as her warm breath tickled my neck.

We walked outside, hand in hand. We found a private corner and kissed. We found our way upstairs, trying to avoid being too obvious and fucked each other's brains out until dawn. We'd never been on a real date---but had known each other professionally for years.

The little minx knew I was married when we first met professionally. She also knew through the grapevine that my marriage was on the rocks. I seem to recall we were in the marriage counseling phase. She was a very patient woman. She waited until my divorce was final and then reentered my life at the precise right instant. She'd long since made her selection and at that fateful meeting was able to accelerate the seduction process without a lot of preliminaries. I gave her a ring six weeks later. We were married six months later. We still are twenty-two years later. I never had a chance.

She's long since admitted that she'd fallen for me the day we first met and had a less than pleasant business meeting together. It took four years of off and on again business contact from the day we met until the day we said our vows---plus one perfectly executed advanced seduction phase at an awards dinner. That's one damn persistent, tenacious and patient woman.

Closing the Sale

Ladies, if you executed the previous phase correctly, you got laid. Well, more than just a fuck, hopefully the earth moved and it was special. The final phase is for all the marbles: rings, long white dresses, honeymoons, babies, your own Mercedes, a house in the country, a rose garden...till death do us part. The essence of this phase is very simple: the man in question has to know that he cannot possibly live his life without you in it. He has to more than enjoy being with you---he has to need to be with you. Certainly he has to absolutely love fucking you but he must also feel a painful emptiness when you're not with him.

He has to look at you every day and laugh at his own good fortune. His eyes fill up with tears when you're sitting at the dining room table doing some paperwork and you realize he's just been staring at you silently for who knows how long and you look up and give him that funny little smile and he walks over and kisses the top of your head and tells you how much he loves you and then the paperwork can wait and his hand is in your pants and...well, you know. And what makes it even more fun is you've been married for a couple of decades.

The sad news is, there is only so much you can do to make this phase work. If it ain't there---it ain't there. You can't hint or coerce your way from good sex to 'I do'. You can certainly screw things up; leaving bridal magazines around is not recommended. If a proposal is not forthcoming within six months at the absolute outside---you got the wrong fish. Throw him back and go back to phase one.

I didn't say, 'I love you' that night of the awards dinner. It happened a few weeks later. One evening not long after that we were having dinner together prior to a concert. I knew I was already in very deep water. I would just look across the table at this amazing woman---to the point that she was even getting a little irritated.

"Do you have any doubt anywhere in your being that I'm madly in love with you?"

"No. "

"Are you in love with me?"

"Have been for years; longer than you have with me."

"Then we should get married---soon."

"Is that a proposal?"

"Not the one I had planned on but yes---will you marry me?"


"Good. I'm glad that's settled. "

We carried on that brief courtship between Portland, Oregon and Tampa, Florida---3,000 plus miles---for four months. Our phone bills were astronomical but, boy, did we rack up the frequent flyer miles!

I am convinced that if you are diligent in the earlier phases, then the final phase will fall into place. I remember years ago working with this incredible salesman. I was brand new and assigned to travel with him and learn. He was meticulous and detail-oriented. I don't remember if or how he ever got to the 'Close the Sale' phase. The sales manual said you always had to 'ask for the order' to close the sale. All I ever heard was customers begging him to ship them whatever new product was on the table as soon as possible.

"Are you sure ten cases isn't too many? Okay, if you're sure. "

The same thing goes with wedding proposals. When he pops the question don't be too quick to jump up and spike the ball---or ring. Test him a little---don't play games but look into his eyes, hold his hand and get him to tell you why he's decided he can't live without you.

"Marriage is a big step, Herman; I don't plan to be married more than once in my life. Are you sure you're ready to settle down with one woman?"

In closing, I'm not suggesting you use blatant subterfuge. Pretending to like something that makes you nauseous is not a good way to start a life together. You aren't going to be able to change him. He may pretend to change, because he wants to make you happy and if you're happy he'll get laid---but the change will be superficial.

Good hunting!

Edited by Techsan

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by Anonymous

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by Anonymous10/23/17

Military hand book for officers conducting an operation at a larger scale translated into civilian life ;-)

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