In Jail

"What's Keith got to do with this?" I demanded.

"Keith is my LOVER, you stupid, blind FUCK."

"What do you mean?"

"He's always been my lover," she said, throwing clothes into a suitcase. "We never broke up."

"So you knew about the money," I asked, pretending to be hurt. "That's why you were with me?"

"Yeah, dumbass, I knew about it that first night at the DQ."

"How could you? Who could have told you about it. Only one other..."

"That's right, genius," she said smugly. "Your mother gave me the heads up. Oh, is she going to be pissed at you."

"I need you to get the fuck out," I said.

"I wanted the fuck out before I even got here," she spat. "and don't worry, I'm going to divorce you so fast your head will spin. Then Keith and I can finally be together."

As I watched her get into Keith's old Ford F-150, I stopped the second iPhone's recording function. I had used the first one to record our loving session, but I didn't think that would show me in the greatest light, so I would be hiding that one. I used the one in my hand to document her reaction to my pissing the money away. She had admitted everything. I couldn't have gotten luckier in my wildest dreams.

We went to court and I presented some interesting phone records and the prenup. Slam dunk.

I learned a lot about the legal system that day. I had never been aware of how much power a sitting judge has. He was unimpressed with the prenup and chose to completely ignore Carla admitting to what I considered to be fraud. He walked the fine line of commending me for giving the money away to such a worthwhile cause and punishing me for it. My lawyer shrugged as if to say, whadayagonnadoaboutitkid. I got stuck for fifteen hundred a month for the next three years. The fix was in somehow.

I walked right by Carla as we were leaving the courtroom, and I pulled her aside. Keith was standing next to her, Darla and Randy were right behind them, and they all had identical smirks on their faces. The Chlorine Four, winners again.

"It's over now, Carla, so do you mind if I ask you something?"

"Sure," she said. She knew she'd really gotten over on me and didn't mind gloating. "What do you want to know? How much better in bed Keith is than you?"

"And don't be using this as some excuse to insult her," Keith put in. "I'll kick your ass right here."

"Keith, you've already won," I said. "Back off on the macho shit, okay? I think it'd be a pretty fair fight and we'd both be arrested."

"All right, ask," said Carla impatiently.

"Does my mother suck your pussy any more, now that there's nothing in it for her?"

They all stared at me, wondering what I knew, but not really caring that much. That ship had sailed; I was a loser as far as they were concerned.

"I guess I'm trying to figure out whether she's a whore or a slut, or maybe both." I said. "You would know, right Carla? Wasn't she kind of a mentor to you? You turned out to be both."

"I meant it, asshole," Keith said, moving forward.

"Keith, don't be an idiot," Darla hissed with Randy nodding next to her. "He's just baiting you. There's, like, a hundred cops in here and he's trying to get you to throw the first punch so you'll get in trouble."

"Can't get anything past her, can we?" I smiled. "And Keith, one more thing. You may be the love of her life and all that shit, but I got to fuck her for six years while you waited in the wings. Six years. How could people in love ever tolerate that? Six years for less than a measly fifty grand. We both heard her tell you that I'm a pretty great fuck, and she's right, I do have a lovely cock. Think about that when she's running late and you don't know where she is, sometime. Other guys have lovely cocks, too."

I walked away, feeling fine.

Only a week later, things started looking up. Kira Calendar's husband decided that, even with my generous contribution, he was unable to run his charity in a way that would be beneficial to those poor, thirsty people around the world. He dissolved the nonprofit before it even got started, and that rendered my contract and my contribution null and void.

I knew what kind of lawyer Carla and Keith would use; cheap, which would almost guarantee that their representation would be lazy and inept. If they had given more than even a cursory look at my life, they would have learned that Kira Calendar was best friends with my cousin Bitsy, and that the three of us had been thick as thieves ourselves when we were kids. We hadn't hung out much in high school, awkward times, and then we'd drifted apart, as people do. But everyone has that friend that you can call after twenty years and it's like you were never apart. The Chlorine Four had always been shitty to people like Kira and Bitsy, the nice people who weren't as physically perfect as them, and Kira was more than happy to help me out.

The upshot was that I inherited close to forty-one million dollars on my birthday. My money had been making more money while I was otherwise occupied. I guess that's how the rich get richer. I did throw an amazing birthday bash for myself that weekend, and I invited almost everyone I knew, with five notable exceptions.