tagHumor & SatireIn The Begining

In The Begining


In the beginning, God made man. He stood back and admired his creation, thinking to himself, "Hey, that ain't half bad for a first try."

Buzz, as God named the first man to breathe his good clean air, was truly a magnificent specimen. Standing right at six feet tall, he seemed the perfect height to occupy his place in God's ultimate plan for the beginning of which the Lord believed would be the perfect species to dominate his newly created Earth.

It soon became apparent though, at least to God Almighty, that Buzz seemed somehow preoccupied as if something was amiss. Buzz did not care to roam the land and enjoy the other wonders that the All Knowing One had created. He stayed alone; preferring his own company to that of the magnificent newly created wonderland at his disposal.

This truly did not conform to God's plan for his greatest accomplishment and soon became concerned for the welfare of the planet. He watched Buzz day and night hoping to see a change that might signal his worry was for naught.

Buzz however, being a typical man, was perfectly content to amuse himself with the wonders of the body that God had bestowed upon him. His magnificently formed thirty-six double D boobs gave him an overwhelming urge to touch himself. He marveled at the way his nipples stood and seemed to beg for attention each time that he caressed them. The sensitive formation around the nipple also fascinated Buzz. He loved the way it became somehow darker and wrinkled with small bumps scattered randomly around the structure.

Each time Buzz looked down to see his boobs, it became natural to fondle them. He spent hours each day touching and enjoying the spongy accessories that seemed to have no other function than to give him pleasure. Buzz indeed, loved and admired his breasts; they were his favorite and only pastime.

Early one morning, not long after Buzz was awakened, he began his daily ritual of tweaking his own nipples. Soon he felt an amazing sensation deep in his body. A tingling if you will. A strange but wonderful presence emitted from the triangular patch of hair between his legs. Buzz was confused at this new feeling and put his hand down there.

As he rubbed the now wet spot, he couldn't contain himself from the pleasure he now felt from his own touch upon the crease between his legs. The slit was oozing a clear viscous liquid and the more he rubbed the spot the wetter it became. Buzz was soon inflamed with desire and as he explored the gash between his thighs he discovered a magical new protrusion, a small bump above the wet opening.

He flicked at the spot and flinched. He flicked again and his asshole puckered. Buzz flicked several times and now his whole body constricted as if it would explode. The magical appendage was small in comparison to the points at the tip of his massive tits. As he looked down however, the two seemed to be connected somehow. His nipples were stiff and swollen and grew with each touch of the magical spot.

With one hand attending to his oozing gash and the other titillating his stupendous jugs, Buzz's legs began to shake and quiver until he could hardly stand it. His world went dark for a moment and as he began to wonder if he was still alive, he felt the pure joy and peacefulness of his orgasmic afterglow.

Buzz liked what he had just experienced, he liked it so much in fact, he did it again right away. Buzz couldn't have been happier, what more could a man want than his own pussy and a great set of hooters that he could call his own and what's more, they were at his disposal every minute of the day.

God had been watching of course and wasn't too pleased with Buzz. This wasn't the way he had envisioned his greatest creation. Unh uh, this wasn't the way he planned it at all. So while Buzz buffed his beaver, God went to work on a new strategy.

The Almighty worked all night while Buzz blissfully slept. He had carved and shaped a new being somewhat different than Buzz, a new and improved model that would have a different view than Buzz and different parts that's for damn sure.

When the sun rose the next morning, Buzz stretched and yawned. He recalled the wonderful discovery from the previous day and slid his hand down between his legs to see if things would feel the same today. Oh! They did and Buzz lay back on the grass and spread his legs apart as wide as he could. He leisurely fingered his dripping honey pot and tasted the juices for the first time, "Mmm," he thought, "Today is gonna be good."

"You're fucking disgusting," a voice assaulted Buzz's ears.

Buzz opened his eyes to see who was talking. Standing over his prone body was someone Buzz had never seen before, "Who and what the hell are you?" he asked in surprise.

"I'm Freda and I'm a woman. The creator sent me here to be a companion to you but I can see already that's not going to happen," she forcefully stated.

Buzz examined the so-called companion and couldn't help but ask, "What on earth is that 'thing' between your legs and what does it do?"

Freda looked down over her flat chest and held the flaccid object up for inspection, "Probably a design flaw or a mold mark, I'm sure it's useless what ever it's called."

Buzz closed his eyes and began to shuck his oyster again. He hoped that if he ignored the wo-man, it would simply disapear... Not hardly.

"Do you have to do that with me watching?" Freda hissed.

"Then don't watch, you cunt," Buzz shot back.

Buzz didn't know what a cunt was but the word seemed to fit. He twirled his erect nipples between his fingers and felt proud of the mounds on his chest. The wo-man only had two small circles, worthless as far as Buzz was concerned. And that 'thing', what the hell good was that? A little stub with a bag of rocks attached to the bottom, surely it was some kind of joke.

God watched the two from above and was astounded how little the pair seemed to get along. Buzz seemed content to strum the harp between his legs, while Freda only sulked at the way Buzz enjoyed himself. She began to nag Buzz at every turn and drove him away.

Buzz decided to take his toys elsewhere. Buzz thought he could go to the other side of the garden and be happy again, so that's what he did. Alone once again, he relished the silence. Things were as they should be, just him and his marvelous body, for a while that is. It didn't take long for Freda to discover Buzz's whereabouts and soon she was again criticizing his every move, especially the moves his fingers made while enjoying his favorite habit.

"Why do you always do that?" Buzz asked.

"Do what?" replied Freda.

"Why do you constantly interrupt me while I'm working?" he gestured toward the small patch of fuzz between his legs.

"You call that work?" she chortled.

"It is with you around all the time," he said with disgust.

"If you must know, I find it to be annoying and perverted," she spouted.

"You should try it some time, maybe you'd like it," Buzz suggested.

"Not a chance smart-ass and incase you hadn't noticed, I'm not exactly equipped for those shenanigans," she said defiantly.

"What about that little thing down there between your legs, it must be good for something," Buzz rationalized.

"Hey, it's not always like this. Sometimes it gets pretty big, especially first thing in the morning," she snarled.

"Well what's it good for then?" he challenged.

"I haven't figured that out yet but for what good it does me I might as well shove it up my ass," Freda admitted.

Buzz analyzed that scenario in his head and began to laugh. Just the thought of this woman with that thing stuffed in her ass almost brought tears to his eyes.

"What's so damn funny?" asked Freda.

Between chuckles Buzz replied, "You... that thing... in your ass, ha, ha."

"You wouldn't think it was so funny if it was stuffed in your ass," Freda hissed.

Buzz ignored the comment and continued to laugh. Freda was incensed at the ridicule and stomped toward him in anger. She stopped mere inches from Buzz's sitting position and thumped his forehead with her knuckle. When Buzz opened his mouth to complain it happened. Without thinking, Freda rammed her 'thing' into his mouth. "That should shut him up for a while," she told herself.

Buzz struggled to get the protruding shaft away but Freda grabbed Buzz's ears and forced the now expanding article deeper.

"Damn," Buzz thought, "It really does get bigger."

Freda felt a new sensation of power and what's more, she began to enjoy the feel of Buzz's wet slobbering mouth on her rapidly expanding tool.

"Oh yeah Baby, suck that cock," she moaned wildly.

Buzz had no idea what a cock was but he got the picture as Freda's sack slapped at his chin with her wild gyrations. The grip on his ears made it impossible to get away from Freda's assault but worst of all to Buzz's astonishment, he was becoming aroused. His nipples were protruding on their own and the crease between his legs was sopping wet.

Buzz was not a happy camper, his wonderful life had gone to hell and to top it all off Freda had just filled his mouth with a gooey, salty slime. Could it possibly get worse? Freda having deposited her load felt satisfied and after a vigorous nut scratch, fell on the ground next to Buzz and slept. Frustrated and totally humiliated, Buzz also closed his eyes to forget the awful taste. His sleep was not so pleasant.

God had been observing from far above and was shocked at the sudden turn of events. The woman he'd sent to Buzz as a companion had somehow turned the tables and was now in charge of the poor sap. No, no, no, it wasn't supposed to be like this. With a huge sigh he thought, "I'll try one last thing before I scoop them up and start over from the beginning."

While the two slept, God reached down from above and touched a finger to their heads. He crossed his fingers for luck and hoped for the best.

Buzz woke still tired and somewhat angry from the way the previous day ended. For the first time in ages he didn't want to start the day by tickling the taco. He stared at the sleeping Freda, wondering how things had gone so very wrong. As he watched, Freda began to stir. She hadn't lied about that 'thing' being bigger in the morning. The cock, as she had called it, was hard and swollen and Buzz had a hard time understanding how the whole thing had fit into his mouth.

Freda instinctively reached down and began to stroke the shaft of her hard member. Buzz had been right, it did feel good. Without a second thought, Freda began to pump her cock furiously as the fire inside needed quenching.

Buzz couldn't help but feel dismayed at the turn of events. Had this been yesterday, it would have been him coaxing the sweet release from his aroused body. Today however, it felt wrong somehow and he looked away as Freda grunted and splashed a milky stream of goo over her stomach.

It was now Buzz that felt the jealousy for not wanting the pleasure that he had known before. Freda mocked him without knowing it and he became enraged at that thought. He considered the situation for a mere moment, it was clear that she would have to go. Then and only then, he might have a chance of making things the way they used to be.

Without warning, Buzz leapt at the still reclining Freda. The fight was on. Freda had been taken by total surprise and was having a rough go trying to defend herself against her angry attacker. The two combatants struggled furiously to gain the upper hand. Buzz's mighty arms had pinned the smaller woman to the ground and had seemingly given him the advantage. Freda panicked, "What was this crazy son-of-a-bitch doing?" she wondered. As a last resort, she grabbed for the closest available flesh and sunk her sharp claws in deep.

"YOW!" screamed the stunned Buzz, "My nipples!"

"Take that, you bastard," Freda howled as she pinched even harder.

The pain was intense and Buzz wrestled to free his tits from Freda's stubborn grip. No matter what he tried, she held fast to the swollen nubs. In desperation, Buzz wrapped his legs around Freda's writhing torso. He locked his ankles together and pushed for all he was worth to free his prized boobs from the bitches angry clutch.

As he sat up, his eyes shot open wide, "Oomph! What the hell?" he questioned as something hard poked him in his special place. The headlock he'd had on Freda was instantly relaxed. He sat astride his enemy as they both tried to catch their respective breaths. A bizarre awareness filled the space between his legs. Freda's fingers loosened as she tried to come to terms as to what had just occurred.

Buzz lifted an inch as test to see how deeply he was impaled, "Not too bad," he thought as he lifted a few more inches. The emptiness left a void so he slid slowly back down the invading shaft. The warm fulfillment was back and he started to enjoy the rich difference between the two contrasting sensations. As Buzz experimented with an in and out motion, Freda watched suspiciously but hardly objected to the new experience. In fact, she cooperated and soon the two had a rhythm.

In the heat of their consummation, the two had rolled over so Freda was in the driver's seat now. Freda lunged into Buzz, grunting with wild abandon, Unh, Unh, Unh!

Buzz screamed as he rapidly ascended the mountain of pleasure to it's apex, Oh Fuck, Oh Fuck, Oh Fuck!

At that very moment, the Almighty decided to see how his two progeny were getting along. This would turn out to be a mistake, a very bad mistake on his part because he hadn't had his morning coffee yet. He peered down to see Buzz and Freda in a fierce battle. Poor Buzz was screaming at the top of his lungs "FUCK ME!"

"She's killing the poor guy!" God thought, "Well I've had it with those two," he proclaimed. "ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT," he shouted as his huge hand shot earthbound through the clouds. With one fell swoop, the two were snatched from the garden and pulled to the heavens.

In what was all the same motion, with a thunderous whoosh and a single SPLAT! God clapped his hands together. He looked down at the odd conglomeration of flesh that was once man and woman, and silently reflected, "Oh well, back to the drawing board."

Wiping his hands on the ass pockets of his overalls, God said, "I think I'll try something a little simpler the next time, maybe a bunny or a toad," he smiled.

And so let that be a lesson to us all, if we don't get along, some day a big hand will come squash us and we'll all end up being a stain on the big guy's back pocket. So love thy neighbor, especially if she has nice tits.

That's all today from the LYG... hey wait a minute... I was just kidding about the nice tits... let me go... no... AHHH!

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byleapyearguy© 8 comments/ 23071 views/ 1 favorites

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by Anonymous

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by firemanlit06/02/18

Usually the humor is not, but this was great. I especially like the last 4 paragraphs. I give it a 4. Is there a follow up?

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