tagHumor & SatireIn the Beginning...

In the Beginning...


NOTE: if you are deeply religious, this may offend you. It’s my warped Flavius retelling of Adam and Eve. Mr. Rosenberg is Adam, and Rabbi Wiesel is Eve. R.

* * * * *

God had just created man, and He was pleased with what He saw.

"Go forth, and name the animals," commanded the Almighty.

"Name them what? I don’t have time to name your animals! I got to drink some beer, maybe watch the game!"

"Those things haven’t been invented yet," boomed the Lord.

"Shut up! Okay, okay, you win. That striped thingy’s a Heineken, that’s a Budweiser over there…"

"SILENCE!" commanded the Almighty. "Maybe I can make a helper for you, since you’re so incompetent."

"That’d be nice. What are you gonna make it out of?"

"Hmm…maybe that dangling thing between your legs…that doesn’t seem to have much of a purpose…"

"NO, LORD, DON’T! It’s my best friend! I’m going to have a lot of fun with it…"

"Oh, fine. How about your appendix?"

"APPENDIX? What the hell is an appendix?"

"Ah…never mind." And with that God put the man into a deep sleep and removed one of his ribs, since that was the best useless part of him. And he fashioned a woman out of the rib.

The man woke up, and upon seeing the woman, asked, "Can I get some of that?"

"Oh, shut up," she replied. The man stared at her and got hard. "Hey! Not bad! That’s pretty cool! God, I want one of those!"

"See, told you my friend was worth something, so NYAAH!" The man blew raspberries towards the Lord.

"QUIET!" demanded God. "The woman will not get one of those because they cause a lot of trouble. The only way she can get one is…"

"Tell me!"

"Find out for yourself, woman." The Almighty snickered. "And by the way, don’t eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge."

"Psst. Over here, lady." She turned towards a snake, entwined around a tree.

"Hey, I didn’t know snakes could talk."

"Snake? I thought that thing was a Jack Daniels!" said the man.

"I can make you get one of those. Eat the fruit that grows from this tree. God doesn’t want you to, but who cares?"

The woman took a piece of fruit and ate it. Her eyes were opened; she knew everything. She then realized she was naked…and his part fit into her…and, well… in short, she’d like it.

She gave the fruit to him. His eyes were opened as well; he realized he was naked, with a hard-on, and went into the bushes to hide.

"Why are you hiding?" asked God.

"I’m embarrassed because I’m naked."


"That little slut over there made me eat of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge."

The woman blushed.

"I banish you both from the garden! Man, you will work by the sweat of your brow. Woman, you will experience great pain in childbirth. Your descendants and that of the snake will be mortal enemies. Now SCAT!"

They both left the garden. The man, looking over at the woman, and down at his erect self, wondered what his friend was for. Maybe his helper had a hole somewhere…

He looked down at her genitals, and, indeed, she did have a hole. She smiled.

"Do you want to get to know me?" she asked.

"In the biblical sense of the word?"

"What other sense is there?"

They then got down to business just east of Eden, hoping that their cries and moans of pleasure were not to be recorded in the Bible or Talmud.


Remember that Mr. Rosenberg is quite fond of sports and alcohol, and the rabbi is kind of a nympho.

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byRivkaKibernetes© 0 comments/ 17814 views/ 0 favorites

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