In the Dark

"Your dorm is mainly English speaking. Some speak French or German, but most are English."

She showed me around the yard and showed me her dorm. It was just like mine, and she said all of the dorms were the same. She told me dinner time would be in three hours and I wasn't expected to work my first day there.

Life in Lard Yao wasn't much different than life in the pod with one exception. Most of the Asian women seemed to stick together in large groups. The foreigners and the unwanted Asians did most of the tougher chores. We swept dorms, we washed clothes, and we cooked the meals while the Asian select seemed to only garden. And their idea of gardening seemed to be standing around in the garden area.

Open disrespect from the Asians was quite commonplace. Many of the foreign women were pushed around and beaten up from time to time. Life was even harder for the few Americans there. Most of the world seems to hate Americans, and the Lard Yao populace was no exception.

One day about three months after I got there, one of the members of the Thai clique brushed me as we passed in a corridor. She threw down the pail she was carrying and started yelling at me. Before I knew it there were six Thai women behind her, all yelling at me.

Just as I thought there was going to be an attack by the clique, Annette and several other women came up behind me. Annette's friend Joan, who spoke fluent Thai, started trying to calm the Thais down as I explained to Annette what had happened.

The woman who was speaking Thai repeated all of this to the Thais. Then the Thai leader came to the front and spoke. As she spoke she pointed and gestured at me. Joan started to tell us what had been said when three guards came into view and the clique scattered.

Later when we had free time Joan came up to me. "You had better watch your back dear. Those Thais mean to make you their fun toy."

"Fun toy?" I asked.

"Yes. It means they plan to rape you with their fists. They have a habit of targeting white women in here and raping them. They've killed one or two."

"Should I go to the guards?"

"No. All they will do is demand proof and then you are more likely to not survive fun toy time. My best advice is to stay in groups or stay in view of guards as much as possible. Also you might not sleep in the same spot every night. Sorry I can't give you more assurance."

A woman named Beverly from Canada claimed to hate all Americans. The only ones with more open disdain for Americans than Beverly were the Thais. Beverly lived in the same dorm as I and never liked to work around any American. Lynn, our dorm trustee was from Australia and seemed to take pleasure in putting Beverly with as many Americans as she could.

After a few weeks, Beverly seemed to warm up to me. She would actually speak and I didn't hear her saying things under her breath when I'd see her in passing. She even became pleasant to work around.

One evening before we were supposed to report to our dorm, I was met in a small area outside of the showers by eight or nine of the Thai troublemakers. Usually they walked on past me and said what I assumed to be rude things. Tonight they cornered me and were going to beat me. The only thing that saved me was Beverly and two other women entering the area.

The Thai leader merely slapped me and her bunch walked away. I felt humiliated and indignified. "You have to do something to get them to respect you hun." said Beverly. Her friends agreed.

"What should I do? Fight her?"

"Not her dear. You need to fight Maggie."

"Maggie? Are you insane?"

Maggie or Maogomia as she was known in her native tongue was a guard in the court yard area. She wasn't big, but she had an intimidating manner about her. I was sure Beverly was having fun at my expense.

"I fought Maggie when I first got here. Yeah I had a two week holiday in solitary, but when I came out the locals respected me and leave me alone. But don't tell anyone you're going to do it. All that will happen is Maggie will find out and deal with you and no one will respect that. Just walk up behind her, spin her around and land your first punch to her face. That way you won't have sucker punched her."

I walked back to the dorm thinking that Beverly was insane. I pictured me grabbing Maggie and then getting a severe beating from all of the guards. But every time I thought about the Thai girls cornering me I gave Beverly's idea more and more credence.

The next morning after breakfast I did my part of the dorm cleaning in deep thought. Shortly before lunch I had to carry several buckets of water to the shower to dump them. On one trip back I saw Maggie standing on the edge of the courtyard watching the laundry women. I walked up behind her, grabbed her shoulder and spun her around and then punched her in the face with everything I could muster.

June 2006

Looking back I'd have to say that punching Maggie was the result of me being manipulated and being naïve. After the guards beat me senseless, I was put in solitary confinement for nine months, after spending six weeks in the infirmary.

The solitary cells were bamboo enclosures built under the shower facility. When the showers were used the water drained down into the cells and covered the floors. The latrines dumped into a ditch that ran through the middle of the solitary units. My cell always had standing water on the floor, and if I was lucky my bed would dry off before I tried to sleep at night. I say tried to sleep, because sleep was often a difficult commodity.

It didn't take me long to realize that the sounds I could hear were the rats moving about the underground chasm. I could also hear the roaches and beetles skittering about on the walls, and even on me sometimes when I was trying to sleep.

But the mosquitos were the worst. The itch from their bites was maddening and it wasn't long before I was infected with malaria. I spent two weeks in the infirmary with malaria before I was released from solitary.

Upon returning to my dorm, I learned that Lynn had been caught in a sexual tryst with another inmate and both were caned in the court yard and were both in solitary for an indeterminate time. Beverly had been made trustee for our dorm in her place. I also learned that the Thai clique that accosted me that night was still looking to rape me.

Beverly took great pride in making the Americans do the worst chores while she and her cronies did as little as possible. Beverly seemed to be putting me more often into situations where I would be alone and vulnerable to the Thai cliques. After one close encounter in which I saw several Thai girls converge on a small area where I was supposed to be, I decided to do something about Beverly.

That evening Beverly threatened to have me put before Guard Chief Boonliang for failing to carry out my work orders. I told her that I had to run to the latrine which was why I wasn't in place all day. She told me that it better not happen again.

The next morning she assigned me to the same area again and didn't assign me a partner. I went to get a bucket and filled it as heavy as I could and still be able to swing it.

Beverly and her cronies were talking to a trustee from another dorm when I approached with the bucket. Beverly must have assumed I was heading to my area, because she didn't even look my way until I swung the bucket and hit her across the side of her head. I was able to hit her six times about the head and face before anyone reacted and pulled me off of her.

I was wrestled to the ground by the guards while the Thai girls looked on. The medical staff arrived to tend to Beverly as the guards were taking me to the solitary cells. This time I was put into a cell across from the one I was in last time.

Hours later a guard informed me through an interpreter that I would serve one month in solitary for every day Beverly was in the infirmary. I smiled to myself and settled down. I figured that Beverly would only be in the infirmary for a day.

Three weeks later I was informed that Beverly had spent fifteen days in the infirmary so therefor I would be serving fifteen months in solitary. I was also informed that my time in solitary wouldn't count towards my forty year sentence for drug trafficking.

I was depressed that I would spend over a year in this shit hole and I would still serve forty more when I got out. As I cried in my cell a voice in my head, Ken's voice, told me that as long as I was in solitary the Thai clique and Beverly would leave me alone. That thought helped me to get to sleep every night.

Eight months into my fifteen month stay in solitary I awoke to furtive noises. There was a scrape that was so faint I almost convinced myself that I hadn't heard it. AS I shook off the effects of sleep I thought I heard breathing close to me.

"Quit being stupid Darlene." I chastised myself in my head. "You are in solitary. No one can get down here with you."

As my eyes began to focus, I thought it looked as if my cell door was open. I was about to get up and feel the door when I was roughly grabbed and forced back to my bed. Before I could scream, rough hands shoved what felt like socks into my mouth. Some other cloth was wrapped around my face to keep the gag in place.

As far as I could tell there were at least four people laying their hands on me. As one person held my hands, someone else ripped my smock off of me. I heard voices speaking Thai, and I knew somehow the clique had gotten in to the cell and was going to kill me for hurting Beverly. The next thing I knew was my hands being tied to my cot, presumably with the smock they'd just ripped off of me.

As I was preparing to meet my maker and answer for my sins, I felt hands grab my ankles and spread my legs apart roughly. I felt what seemed like a muscle tear in my groin as they spread me. I tried to scream and was punched in the mouth for my effort.

My breasts were grabbed and pinched. One person bit my left nipple so hard I was sure they'd drawn blood. Just when I thought I could handle no more pain, two fists invaded my pussy and asshole. The pain was so excruciating that I nearly blacked out.

When I was on the verge of blacking out, I was dowsed with water that had obviously been drawn from the latrine ditch outside the cells. I then realized that there was some sort of light in the cell and that the cloth holding the gag in place was also masking my eyes.

I could hear the women's voices now as they raped me with their fists. I was sure that I knew who they were. After a while the fist in my ass was removed and something bigger and harder replaced it. I was splashed again a few times with the water and I was punched and kicked repeatedly during the assault. Someone shoved their fist into my vagina until they breeched my cervix. It was then that I blacked out.

May 2010

I'm still not clear on who found me the morning after my assault. I was told I was found in the latrine trench, naked and quite beaten. Some said I was found by the trustee that delivered the morning repast to the solitary cells. Some said I was found by a guard at first light. All I know for sure is that I am alive, and that it was six weeks before I knew consciousness again.

I was removed from the prison and taken to a secure wing of a major hospital. Eight hours of surgery by a Swiss doctor volunteering in Thailand got me out of the immediate danger. A complete hysterectomy was required due to all of the damage they did to my reproductive system.

They also had to remove almost a foot of bowel. I also endured three more surgeries later including one to reattach my groin ligament. My right leg was casted as was my left arm.

The first thing I can remember is waking to find my good arm shackled to my bed, and a nurse talking gibberish to me. Of course she was speaking Thai, but they hadn't taught me Thai during my coma. The nurse ran out and came back with another nurse who checked all of my vitals and then they left.

The next time I woke, a new nurse brought me a bowl f some kind of soup and spoon fed me little bits of it at a time. I didn't eat for long before I fell back asleep. Every time I woke though, she was there to see that I ate or drank something.

One day when I woke from a nap, I had been more regularly awake by then, I awoke to find Guard Chief Boonliang and two men sitting by my bed. When she noticed I was awake she said something and the men turned their gaze on me. Guard Chief said spoke and one of the men translated it to me.

"Do you know who I am?" she asked.

"Yes Guard Chief."

"Do you know this man?" she indicated the man sitting next to her.

"No Guard Chief. I can't recall ever meeting him."

"He is Warden Saowaluk's deputy investigator Mookjai. He has questions for you."

The man's face stayed neutral as he asked all of the required questions; Did I see their faces, could I describe what they were wearing, just like a good cop would I suppose. He asked me how much I could describe, but I couldn't remember anything.

Finally they bade me a speedy recovery and got up to leave. As they walked to the door they were talking among themselves in their native language when it came flooding back to me. I had heard my attackers talking as they worked me over.

"Thai female voices!" I shouted. Guard Chief Boonliang and Deputy Investigator Mookjai only looked puzzled. Then the interpreter told them what I had said and Mr. Mookjai came back into the room quickly.

"Your attackers were Thai females?"

"Yes sir. They talked and joked as they raped me."

A look passed quickly between the investigator and the guard. She asked me if I had known the owner of any of the voices. I told her that I couldn't be one hundred percent sure but I thought it was the clique.

I was amazed how their short visit had tired me out. After they left I napped and dreamed of Jeff. In my dreams I was telling a tearful Jeff that I could never give him a baby now. He said that he was leaving and telling Ken everything. I awoke with a start, but quickly got ahold of myself.

Why was I dreaming of Jeff and not Ken? I had done Ken very wrong and vowed to myself that when I got home I'd be the best wife Ken could want. I'd never so much as think about another man's penis let alone touch one. Deep inside I knew I'd get a second chance.

A little later the nurse came in and fed me. My meals were getting a little heartier each day and soon I'd be feeding myself. I wondered how long they'd keep me in there. That would always make me wonder how long I would survive going back to Lard Yao.

I was sure that the Thai clique would be waiting for me. Beverly might even have it in her mind to pay me back. Suddenly I knew that if I went back I wouldn't leave Thailand alive. Then as if adding to my despair, the doctor came in and told me in broken English that I would be released in one week. I barely slept that night as I was sure I'd been handed a death sentence.

Three days before I was to be released from the hospital Mr. Kasagawa paid me a visit. He told me that he'd gotten my sentence reduce, with some sabre rattling from the State Department, to five years from the original forty. I was elated as I thought that I was free since I had served more than five already.

Then he cautioned me not to get too happy. I had to serve a two year term for assaulting Beverly. It turned out that I had done considerable damage and she'd been placed in a special facility that dealt with special needs prisoners.

My heart sank. I knew I was dead as soon as I got back to Lard Yao. Then I got the best news possible.

"Due to your circumstances and the fact you have a short term to serve, you will serve your two years in the city prison. You will be back in the foreign pod."

As he was leaving I asked if he'd heard anything about Ken. He told me that Mr. Buchanan would visit me in a couple of weeks.

Six days later I was processed back into the pod. Once again I had a cell to myself as did most of the other women in there. The only women with cell mates were from Asian countries. During my two year stay I never had a cell mate. I didn't mind the solitude since we had social time during the day.

At night I thought of Ken. Once in a while Jeff or Carlos crept into my dreams and gave me a thrill, but Ken filled my conscious thoughts. I still fully intended to be the best wife in the world for Ken when I got back home.

Ian Buchanan paid me a visit a month after my return to the pod. He apologized over and over for my ordeal in Lard Yao and promised that the Thai government would pay restitution to me upon my release.

I could tell he was bearing bad news when he seemed to stall our conversation with tidbits about weather and such. I finally asked him outright what he knew. He told me that Ken had been sent home the day of my arrest and that I was now divorced.

"Divorced? How can I be divorced?"

"You signed the papers." I just looked at him with a puzzled expression on my face. "Probably during your intake into Lard Yao. The Thais like a clean break with no big scene so they slip divorce papers into other stuff you have to sign. Ken probably filed since you're supposed to serve forty years."

What he said made sense to me. I had to serve two years I could go home and win Ken back. I was all I could think of prior to being released. I was even looking forward to it the day I was met in my cell by a guard who took me down for a bath as well as a shave. When I dried off I was given new western style clothes and shoes. I cried tears of joy as I dressed.

November 2012

"Hi, my name is Darlene and I'll be your server tonight."

The man looked at me with a mixture of revulsion and pity then quickly turned his full attention to the brightly colored menu. His wife looked relieved to be the most attractive woman in view at that moment. I know my looks had faded, but I hated the constant reminders that I wasn't the beauty I had been almost a decade ago. I knew my tip was going to be small when they both ordered the meatloaf. Big tippers don't order the meatloaf.

After I had served my two years in the pod, I was deported and put on a plane bound for Japan. Mr. Kasagawa and the American consulate met me at the gate. I was given a temporary passport to get me back into the United States and a one way ticket from Nagasaki to San Francisco.

They also gave me a credit card. Of course it was quickly explained to me that the card was a reloadable card with one hundred American dollars on it. This concept of credit cards not being bank controlled was a fairly new concept for me. I also had a bank draft for 50,000 Thai Baht, or about $15,000 American. Mr. Buchanan had given me the draft as we rode in the back of the police car to the Bangkok airport.

The flight home was completely uneventful. I used some of the money on the credit card to watch a couple of movies during the long flight. I was slightly disgusted to see that Robin Hood had been remade for the thousandth time. It seemed sad to me that the first real food I had eaten in almost a decade was a crappy in flight meal.

To most the sorry composition that was supposed to be meat and potatoes might have gagged most people, but to me it might as well have been filet mignon. I savored every bite. Even the honey roasted peanuts made me feel like a little girl again.

At some point between the showing of Robin Hood and some stupid movie called Twilight I managed to catch some sleep. In my dream I was met at the airport by Ken. We went to a really nice dinner and then we went to a five star hotel and made love until neither of us could walk.

I awoke to see a coast line ahead of us. Soon I recognized some landmarks and realized I was back in the United States. Twenty minutes later we landed in San Francisco. I got off the plane and resisted the urge to kiss the ground.