Ingrid Ch. 06

A couple of days later, I was walking along the waterfront and I saw a sailboat coming out of the inner harbor. I remembered how much fun I had had with my friends on their sailboat, and I realized it was something I wanted to do again. When I got home, I wrote 'Learn to Sail' as item one on my list.

"If I was going to learn to sail, I needed to be near the water. The more I thought about it, the more I knew I wanted to be back in B.C. It's where I was born and lived until I was thirteen. I loved the mountains and the smell of the ocean. The weather let you do things all year around. It rains a lot compared to California, but it had the scenery and the outdoors I enjoyed so much in my childhood and early teens. So, 'Move Back to B.C.' became number two on the list.

"I had been living with my dad for a couple of months. I hadn't contributed much to the household except some vacuuming, dusting and changing sheets on the bed. You know, routine housework. I washed the stuff that didn't go in the dishwasher, but I didn't interfere with the cooking.

If Dad wasn't home, I either went out for dinner of got something 'heat-and-serve' from the local deli. I thought about how I wished I could cook and started to experiment on my own. I had some idea of what to do, but I didn't have the timing and organization to get everything ready at the same time, still hot. So item three became 'Learn to Cook.'

I tried hard but couldn't think of anything else that applied. I had graduated from college with a degree, and I had a great job if I still wanted it. As a desperate act, I listed number four as 'find a new companion.'

"I took them to our next session and he looked them over."

'Well, the first three are fine, but number four might not be a good idea for you yet. Firstly, it's too soon for you to jump back into a relationship. Secondly, they don't happen on demand. They take time to develop and usually aren't planned to a timetable. Thirdly, especially considering your need to find exactly the right kind of relationship, it's not so much an objective as a wish. However, you can dedicate your time to the first three and produce some satisfying results.'

"He began to probe into my relationship with Diana and how if felt about her loss. He kept pushing and poking. He made me look at myself, and it didn't take long before I got angry with his constant prodding. I was yelling at him one time when I just blurted it out. I felt relief when she died! Relief! I couldn't believe what I was saying.

"Naturally, he zeroed in on the 'relief.' I didn't know how to tell him. Finally, he got me to spit it out. I felt relief because I didn't have to stay married to her. She was dead and that meant I didn't have to be married to her. That was the guilt source, he suggested. But it didn't explain the relief.

"I had to face up to something I didn't want to admit, not to anyone. I had to admit to myself that I did not love Diana. Not in the way that I thought the word love was supposed to mean.

"I wanted a love that was like the poets and songwriters and authors all described. I wanted an unconditional, no-holds-barred love without which I could not live. With Diana it wasn't that kind of love. We were friends, a deep abiding friendship that you could easily mistake for love. I did. We had been together since we were kids, and we thought we were in love.

"Dr. Weisman said that Diana may really, truly have been in love with me. He thought that was where my feeling of guilt was centered. I had rationalized that this other 'friendship love' was the 'real world' and it was how 'real people' lived their lives. The poets and songwriters were idealists with no grounding in our daily lives. The doctor made me look around.

"He talked about the idealism of love and how all those poets and songwriters had to have some understanding that it was possible. Their themes were all the same. They defined love in the same terms. The words and phrases and melodies changed, but the themes were all alike. That special kind of love was real to them, and I had to understand that even if I couldn't have it with Diana, perhaps I could have it with someone else.

"He convinced me that genuine, poetic love was just as real as any other love. If I was going to have another relationship with a woman, I should be searching for that love. I had to understand that it was possible, and not a fantasy. I probably wasn't going to be able to settle for anything less, and that it might take me some time to be sure that it was the 'real' thing.

"I thought about that over and over, and in time, I began to accept it. And it was hard to accept. I didn't want it to be true, but it was. I lost a lot of sleep in those four weeks. It took me a while to get my feet back under me. Nobody wants to be told they hide things from themselves."

He stopped and looked at Ingrid. She hadn't said a word since he had begun.

"Ingrid, I promised myself I wouldn't tell you or anyone about this ghost in my personal closet until I was sure of my feelings for you. Ingrid, I'm sure. I love you and I want to be with you for a long time -- forever."

He was speaking in a soft, but confident voice. There was a hint of nervousness, but not indecision. He meant what he said and felt a sense of relief flood over him as soon as he spoke those few, simple words.

Ingrid blinked several times. His revelation has been the last piece in the puzzle that was Steve Inhalt. Now she knew all the truth, and it was a therapy for her too. Difficult to experience, and a relief when it was over, but it answered the last questions. She struggled for something to say, surprised as a feeling of annoyance came over her.

"Isn't this lovely," she said in a harsh, biting whisper. "A Hollywood ending! You wanted it to be perfect, so you put me through the hoops. Well you listen to me Mr. Steve Inhalt. Life isn't perfect, you know. It isn't some movie where people never catch colds or go to the bathroom, women never have periods, and men never have shit stripes on their underwear!

"That world doesn't exist! You've had pain, I've had pain, the whole fuckin' world has had pain. You aren't special! I want you just the way you are. I didn't ask for perfection. I can live with flaws. I have them too in case you didn't notice. I've got a foul mouth, an oversize body, and sometimes a nasty disposition, and it isn't all PMS." She had run out of steam and stopped.

Steve looked at her. He had destroyed that carefully constructed mood. He had thought that it was what she wanted from him. He was wrong. He let out his breath and snorted. He put his head in his hands while his body began to shake and Ingrid thought it was sobs. He looked up at her and Ingrid could immediately see that he had not been crying. He had been laughing.

"Am I that pompous an ass?" he asked her when he could control himself. The smile on his face told her that he was not intimidated by her outburst

His self-deprecating question completely defused the tension. He was laughing at himself, she realized.

"Ingrid, I know the difference now. I know what real love is about. I know the feeling and I know you are the one," he said sincerely.

She didn't reply, but moved to his side, put her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. Her mouth open, her tongue probing inside and demanding a response from him, her kiss lasted almost a minute. Almost caught off-guard, Steve took a few seconds to respond, but soon he was caught up in her passionate insistence.

After a while, Ingrid had composed herself and quietly said: "I have to warn you, sir, I have a very large appetite for both food and sex. You've passed the food test, now I want to find out if you pass the other test." Her face was only a couple of inches from his as she spoke.

"I, uh ... I guess I'd better," he said carefully.

"Yes, I guess you'd better," she smiled. "Now, what do you say the Captain takes his woman to his cabin and has his way with her."

He took her hand and without a word, led her to the stateroom.

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