Innocence

"Kurt, I came here to let go and I did. I let go a lot farther than I had ever thought I would, but I'm not going to pretend I didn't enjoy it all. Even having sex with two guys at once was a thrill I never thought I would have. It was if I had stepped away from reality and had entered a fantasy come true. I really can't explain it other than to say I was so emotionally burned and dulled when I got here that I just let all of those suppressed....desires...come out. To me, this place seemed to be a place to live out a fantasy, that is, until you and I...got together. You're not a fantasy, Kurt. You're the only thing here that is real to me. I don't expect you to understand, much less accept what I've been doing. I just hope that you don't think I'm....I'm....."

"Kathy, you don't have to worry about me. Considering that my life was...well....rather tame before, what you and I have been doing...it's like a fantasy come true for me. Don't even think of apologizing for anything you've been doing. It's not my place to judge and I never will. But Kathy, you live in L.A. and I'm in Colorado. I can easily accept that you have had a more...active sex life than me and if it would help, I could...well.....expand my horizons, so to speak. I've had all the fantasies that every other guy has had. It's just that Nancy was...very conservative and I had no problem with that. I don't think she would...be unhappy if I...Damn this is hard!"

He took a drink and swallowed, unable to get the right words out. "Kurt, you don't have to keep up with anyone," I said. "What makes you happy is what makes you happy. Don't think you have to expand your horizons for my sake, or anyone else. And as for me living in L.A., I have already decided to quit the company and try to have a life, not just a job. My career was killing me and I didn't even know it. I'm tired of chasing the almighty dollar and finding it only buys unhappiness. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it!"

I was pounding my fist into the sand, as if I was hitting my boss and making him pay for my years of misery. "That...that...fucking company was eating me alive. And I was letting them do it. The whole fucking place can burn to the ground for all I care." I paused, shocked at my outburst of anger and obscenity. I looked at Kurt and quickly said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I .."

He put out his hand and I took it. He pulled me to him and his arms went around me. "Kathy, if I wasn't so messed up myself, I might think you're more messed up than I am." I gave a short laugh, then laughed some more and was crying before I could stop myself. Kurt just held me tight, rocked me a bit and said nothing. There I was, topless on the beach, sobbing in his arms and hating everything about L.A.

I cried for several minutes, then slowly came back. Kurt just held me and gave me time to recover. When the last sobs had passed, I just held him tight. "Kurt, I'm a lot more messed up than you. At least you're not flashing very wet tits and wondering why."

He chuckled and looked down. "Kathy, with all those tears, your...tits aren't the only thing on display. Maybe you should have a good cry on the beach more often." I looked down and saw my tear wet and transparent bottom clearly showing my labia. I had to smile. Then I chuckled and soon we were both rolling together on the beach, laughing as if we were watching the world's funniest comedian.

I ended up on top. I made a show of pinning his arms to the sand, and straddled him like I had just won a wrestling match. "I'm moving to Boulder and you're going to say 'yes'."

He looked up at me with his calm and even look. "Yes."