Innocent Adoration

* All characters are at least 18 years old. All actions portrayed are mutually consensual.

Restless and unable to return to sleep, Julie shuffled across the hardwood floor toward the front doorway. Moonlight filtered through the lace curtains and faintly illuminated the oil-filled crystal base of the hurricane lamp resting serenely the center of the old oak dining table. She failed to see the dancing glitter of each crystal facet on the lamp as she passed. She didn't hear the tell-tale creaking of the hardwood floor, which she often referred to as the way her house talked to her. She didn't hear the mantle clock chiming 4AM. Nor did she notice the wood-framed screen door hinges squeak as it opened, or the familiar slap as it closed. Oblivious to her surroundings, she stood on the darkened porch. She closed her eyes, sighed deeply and felt the heaviness of the mid-west night air fill her lungs. "I am alive, and this is real." she thought, but could not convince herself to open her eyes and accept the reality of the moment. Jake, her only son, was asleep in her bed.

Julie, in her white cotton eyelet nightgown, settled onto the wicker rocking chair at the end of the porch, and scratched at the peeling paint of the lap siding. In an unconscious effort to avoid the unavoidable, thought to herself that it's about time to repaint the old house.

She thought back to her childhood and the many years with her grandparents at the old farmhouse. Her grandfather built this house. Her mom was born there, and died there after complication during Julie's birth. Julie stayed there when her father went off to war. But he did not return. Julie, by necessity, grew up alone with her grandparents. Good people. Honest people. They were well into their sixties when she recalled her first vivid memories of events with them. They did their bet to make her childhood a happy one, in spite of their age. Grandfather had a fair size farm in his prime. But with his ability dwindling in his advancing years, the number of cattle, horses and pigs dwindled as well. She recalled that in his later years, during her early teens, he kept only three cows. One for milk, one for meat and one for sale each fall. And of course there was the horse, Whitefoot.

Grandpa bought Whitefoot for Julie on her first birthday. He was big and brawny, with sleek red coat, and... one white foot. A seemingly ridiculous gift for one year old in the mind of any other, but Grandpa knew that he would someday delight he memories of Julie's companionship with this horse. Living in a farming community had its advantages. But, it also meant that there were fewer children to play with, especially when one didn't have brothers or sisters. Grandpa knew this too and as he expected, Whitefoot became her constant companion. Although Grandma was at first concerned about the size and apparently stubborn nature of Whitefoot, she soon was placed at ease by his uncanny ability to be so gentle with such a small child. Horse and child connected and formed a lifetime bond.

Every year, aunts, uncles and cousins would drive there from the city and gather together at the homestead for every summer holiday, for as long as she could remember. She enjoyed the times of closeness, of family, and memories that would linger long into the fall. As her cousins grew and developed personal interests that tended to keep them in the city, the summer visits of aunts and uncles became less of a joy. Sure, it was good to see them and hear about the others back in town, but it seemed that something was missing. Julie developed a personal interest as well, in a young man named Robert. It was a sweet romance, but her joy would be tragically snatched away only two years later by the perils of war.

Grandma died in her sleep early one January morning during Julie's senior year of high school. The same aunts, uncles, and cousins that visited for happy summer holidays came for the funeral, now speaking in muted voices and moved about as uncomfortable unexpected guests. They went home as quietly as they came, leaving a somber mood in the house. Grandpa was never the same, and would spend evenings sitting on the porch after dinner, rocking in the very same wicker chair that she now sat in. He was still very caring and gentle towards Julie, and showed the lifelong love that she was familiar with. But looking into his eyes, she could always see the void left by the absence of his soul-mate. She wondered if Robert would be that same soul mate to her, and hoped he would.

Julie and Robert married in June, during the summer after graduation from high school. It was a quaint but lovely wedding in the local chapel attended by Grandpa, now walking with a cane, and no more than twenty guests. Jobs and money were hard to come by, and Grandpa offered the upstairs room until they could get a place of their own. Robert found a job at the local mill and after work, gratefully helped Grandpa with the evening chores. Life was hard, but that was something she accepted in exchange for the joy she shared with Robert in their bed each night.

The house was eerily silent when she awoke on a chilly October morning. The sun of the lingering Indian summer was gone and had been replaced by a gray umbrella above and frosty golden carpet below. Robert cradled Julie as she wept, after learning that Grandpa died in his sleep, as Grandma had. By this simple act alone, one had to believe that God is merciful.

Another funeral, another procession of family in and out of her life. At the reading of the family will, Julie learned that the house and property had been left to her by her grandparents. As fate often smiles on the downtrodden, only days later Julie learned that she was expecting a child. It was a bittersweet season of triumphs and tragedy for in the coming week, as Robert received his draft notice, and reported for duty the day after Christmas.

Robert held Julie at the train station for what she dreamed could be an eternity, but in reality was only a moment, broken by the train signaling departure. Three other wives stood at the depot smiling, waving and failing miserably to hold back the torrent of tears brought on by both fear and realization of the sudden void in their lives.

The first snow fell as Julie drove home from the depot alone, passing the neighborhoods of homes filled with the warmth of family, many still gaily decorated for the holiday. Houses, building and signs went by in a blur of her tear-filled eyes until she saw the familiar road leading to their home, "hers" alone, as it would be for the next few months. A simple wreath on the door and decorated tree were the lone reminders of her last few days with Robert.

Julie parked, walked into the house and gingerly gathered the hand made quilt from their bed. She returned to the covered porch, where she bundled herself, sat on the wicker chair, rocked and cried. As the falling snow covered gathered, she stopped crying, calmed by the silent gentle effect of snowflakes silently perching on the nearby branches. Somehow, amidst all the turmoil, she felt at peace in her private part of the world, cocooned in her quilt, oblivious to the cold.

As she sat, lost in the moment, she felt it. Just a quiver at first, deep inside her. She passed it off as a shiver from the chilly air, but then felt it again, this time very distinct. "Someone is inside me." She said out loud from the protected porch. Indeed, the baby, their baby, was making its presence known for the first time. Again, fate has smiled on her in the middle of a time of anguish. Tears of joy escaped from under closed eyelids and Julie placed both hands on her stomach to, for the first time, embrace her unborn child. This was a simple but profound reminder that she was not alone. And, even with his physical departure, she was reminded a part of Robert was with her here and now.

Julie resumed her daily routine, feeling a renewed purpose and joy in living. The child's movements increased, reminding her of the baby's growth, and hers, and the much anticipated arrival.

Julie wrote to Robert weekly to tell him how she and the baby were doing, and the news of town. She would receive return letters in batches about once a month as that was the best they could accommodate from the battlefield.

Julie received a bundle of mail one warm May afternoon and arranged them by date to keep a sequence in Robert's messages. She was sitting on the porch, as she usually did after his mail arrived, reading through the various letters when her attention was drawn to an approaching car, something unusual on their private country road. Her heart sunk when through the dust emerged a faded green sedan, with a white star on the door. She tried to breath, tried to move, but could not do so as two men in formal military uniforms exited the vehicle and walked solemnly toward her porch.

Julie remained in the chair, her face frozen in fear as one of the soldiers spoke "On behalf of the president of the United States, we regret to inform you that your husband Robert was killed in the line of duty" and handed her the telegram confirming their message. The other soldier extended his gloved hand and placed it gently on her shoulder, lowered his head in respect to her, then withdrew his hand. Both men departed silently, entered the vehicle and drove away. She sat, still stunned, watching the vehicle disappear, and continuing her gaze as the dust settled onto the empty road.

"No, this can't be true. Not Robert. Not now. We have so much to live for." she denied, but stared at the telegram as painful evidence of the messengers arrival.

Julie sobbed for a time then sat in numbing silence as the reality of Robert's death set in. It was after dark before she could gather enough strength to make her way inside, and only to the living room. She could not go to the same bed that she had shared with Robert, even though he had been gone for several months. It was too painful. She lay on the couch, covering her rounded body with the same quilt and drifted off to a fitful sleep.

Julie awoke at first light and stared at the picture of Robert on the mantle, still holding the quilt tight under her chin with one hand, and the now crumpled telegram with the other. The house was silent as morning light crept across the room. Julie remained on the couch in her solemn stare until noon, recognizing the stark realization that she was now weak from hunger in her final stages of the pregnancy. She recalled that the baby was motionless all night and morning as well, perhaps somehow aware of the mutual loss and sharing in her grief. She was relieved to feel a sudden stir and the familiar movement inside assuring her that the baby was fine, a final loss she could never deal with. Julie rise and made her way to the kitchen, and although she had no appetite, forced her defiant stomach to accept small morsels of food to sustain her and the baby for the rest of this day.

Julie called her relatives and neighbors to share the news of Robert's death. They were compassionate to her as too many others who had experienced the all too common and unnecessary losses.

Again, another funeral, another procession of well-meaning family in and out of her life.

Days later on May 14th, Jacob "Jake" Robert, was born. Julie finally was able to hold the flesh and blood created from her union with Robert, and life began the eternal cycle again. Julie loved Jake so much, and being the independent spirit she was, had every intention of remaining at the old farmhouse. The neighboring women and friends from the church were very helpful in the first couple of weeks, allowing Julie to settle into the routine of motherhood.

Julie raised Jake, whom she called "my little man" with the same love and training as her grandparents had shown to her. Jake looked so much like his father and began to show many of Robert's personality traits that she had grown to love and appreciate during their short time together. She knew that he would not be a replacement for Robert, but was comforted by the likeness.

As Jake grew, Julie taught him about life in the country, and the simple pleasures so often overlooked by people who fill their lives with the quest for material possessions. Julie still maintained a few animals at the farm and had gained a local reputation an accomplished seamstress and gardener, which allowed enough income to get by. It was during these times in the early years, that Julie taught Jake the most important lessons about life and death, and love and laughter

Walks together in the field, fishing at the creek and the frequent skinny dips at the pond on the property were part of their recreation and relaxation. Quite often, after a swim, Jake the ever inquisitive one would often wander off to return bearing "treasures" for his mom, rock, stick and flowers. Julie would be resting on the bank, allowing the sun and breeze to warm and caress her body. At his young age, Julie and Jake were quite comfortable with their nakedness during the frequent times of swimming and at the house when she changed or bathed. Julie easily answered the questions about why they looked different to his satisfaction.

Around the age of ten, Jake and Julie continued their daily routines. In his thirst for knowledge, he wanted to know more of the details of the unknown. Not just "what", but now "why". She felt that it would be best to be honest considering that she, as the single parent, was solely responsible for his upbringing. Animals on the farm, and in the field, weather and nature provided an unending source of questions for Julie. And, in the course of normal conversation, came questions about the differences in their physical appearances, particularly during their frequent visits to the pond.

Julie still continued to sun naked on the shore, while Jake would romp in the water, then rush over dripping wet to give her a hug, or share his latest treasure. Julie always answered honestly and factually, but was sometimes taken off guard by the honesty of his innocence. She wondered if it might be better if she practiced a little subtle modesty as he matured. But for now it was just innocent admiration.

Jake was a bright likable kid. Neighbors and teachers took to him, partly because they admired Julie for her efforts, but also because he was just a good kid to have around, almost like one of the family, with any family he visited. At the young age of ten, Jake took on "odd-jobs" at the neighboring farms and would often stay for dinner or even spend the night. Kids will be kids, and Jake explored the curious side of his innocent sexuality. Yet another source of questions for his mom and entertaining conversation.

As Jake entered adolescence, Julie noticed the subtle changes, his crackling voice, fuzzy face and awkward first attempts at manhood. As he matured, Jake became more private and independent with interests outside of life on the farm. He now did most of the chores on the farm, leaving time for Julie to continue with her sewing and gardening. At times Julie stopped working to admire him from the porch, and wandered what she would do when he was gone. A good looking young guy in his late teens, lean and strong, with loose wavy blond hair, she fearful that the first young girl to catch his attention would break his tender heart. Still she wished him every happiness available. That is the gift to every young man.

They still made regular trips to the pond, but now arrived and entered the water at different ends of the pond to politely conceal their nakedness. They swam and talked about life and about everything. The pond was their neutral area, where any thing and any feeling could be discussed without fear of judgment. Julie often talked about her life, her past and future. Jake, about his dreams, girls in town and ambitions. Sometimes, even if his only ambition was to neck with Amy at the movies. Julie often laughed, knowing full well that she made the effort to raise him well, but also allowing the freedom to be himself. Julie never displayed any regret for remaining alone with Jake after losing Robert. In fact she seemed content to do so.

During a recent swim on a late spring day of this senior year, Jake floated over to where Julie was wading in shoulder deep water. He had reached his 18th birthday just days before. He bobbed lazily only a couple feet away, and asked her about her future, one without him in her daily life. Not that he had any immediate plans, but wondered if she was ever lonely, and if she would miss him. Jake thought for a moment after he spoke, believing that his question was two-fold; out of concern for his mom, and speculating about his own unknown future. Julie knew this was inevitable but was taken off guard by the comment. She took a quick breath, looked away, then back toward Jake, who had the look of concern as if he had hurt his mom.

Julie recognizing the concern on his face, and oblivious to her nakedness in the moment, extended her arms around Jake and cradled his head on her shoulder and said, "I have experienced joy beyond what I thought was possible having all these years together, just me and "my little man". I have accepted that you will move on someday, which will be the happiest and hardest day of my life, but it's natural. I only hope that we can remain close and open." Then took his face in her hands to look him in the eyes, and continued, "Jake, I made the choice to raise you alone, and have no regrets whatsoever....You have been the joy of my life." Julie kissed him tenderly on the lips, and then withdrew her lips, now with arms in a gentle embrace.

Jake allowed a tear to fall and replied, "I can never repay you for what you have done, and for what you have shown me about life and love. You need to know that no matter when I go or who I am with, you will always be in my heart." Jake returned the kiss to her forehead, lips lingering on her soft skin, taking in the soft fresh fragrance of her hair. Jake's arms were loosely wrapped around her, hands resting on her hips as they stood still in the silence and perfect innocence of the moment.

Jake and Julie were in a naked embrace as mother and son, much like they had in years past. But for the first time, the nakedness was something that they both became aware of in a different way than in times past. Jake was suddenly aware of his mothers flesh pressed against his chest, beads of water resting on the swell of her breasts. Julie was also aware of the mingling of flesh, his warm body in contrast to the cool water that hardened her nipples. His firm muscular chest and smooth stomach hardened by the regular physical labor. Although neither seemed to want to break the unexpected embrace, the physical connection that was so sweet, now took on a different dimension. Julie felt his manly body, much different than she recalled from the last time they hugged naked, several years ago. The conversation had stopped and they looked eye to eye, communicating only in thought, waiting for the other to speak, or perhaps hoping the silence and perfection of the moment would never be broken.

Julie dropped her eyes and the visual contact, and spread her arms across the top of the water breaking the embrace, moving back only slightly enough to feel the cool water touch her skin where his warmth had rested.

" I love you Jake" she whispered, in such a way as to say convey that she enjoyed what happened, but also in a subtle way to add closure to the moment. Jake swam nearby, close enough to still talk in whispers but kept the safe buffer of distance to ensure that their bodies did not touch. His eyes burned with desire than his actions.

Emotions calmed and conversation awkwardly returned to normal. Jake was strangely was relieved to hear Julie say that she needed to get dinner started and waded to her end of the small pond. She modestly wrapped herself in the towel hanging from the low tree branch and walked the short distance to the house. She didn't dare look back at Jake, who remained at the pond, for fear of returning to follow the forbidden desire of her heart.