Innocent Text Messages Pt. 03

TONY

We both sat at the kitchen table in an awkward silence. I could even hear the second hand clicking on the clock in the living room. We were sitting 3 feet from each other, and you'd have thought we were in different time zones. Her eyes couldn't meet mine's, and I was still pretending that she wasn't here.

I got the feeling that she was trying to feel me out. Fair is fair, because that 's what I was doing. It was like we were two boxers, circling each other in the ring. We were looking for signs of weakness from our opponent, trying to time our attacks. Neither of us wanted to throw the first blow. We wanted to be able to see what our opponent had so we can effectively counter strike.

She was the first to go, but if this were a boxing match then she would have definitely landed an unexpected blow and left me dazed. I thought I knew what to expect from her, but what I got sent me hurling back into my corner.

"You scared me last night. You really did. I've never seen you that furious. When you threw my phone at me, I honestly thought that you were going to hurt me. I have never been that frightened of anyone." She paused to sniffle and I could see that she was on the verge of more tears.

"I was a-afriad to sleep in my own bed." She said in a voice that was barely above a whisper. She put her coffee down on the table and wiped her nose on the shirt that she was wearing. I finally looked up at her and my heart broke. No matter what she'd done, I never wanted her to see me as a monster. I wanted to shake her up, but not to the point that she was afraid that I would hurt her in the middle of the night. I pictured her huddled on the couch, jumping at every noise because she was sure that I was coming downstairs to vent some more anger. That image made me sick and ashamed of myself.

I was unable to think of what to say next. If I'm being honest, part of me felt justified for scaring the shit out of her. But also at the same time I was troubled with the level of anger that I had. I was out of control. When I threw the phone at her, all that I needed was for it have sailed a few inches to the right. Then this situation would have been completely different. Maybe even unrepairable. I would have gone to jail for assault (She sure as hell would've called the cops). That would have led to a series of unwanted repercussions. I would have lost my job, my family (my sister and my parents) would have jumped on me (we do not believe in hitting women under ANY circumstance), my kids would have the knowledge that all was not well with their parents, and our marriage in general would have taken on another form. Thank God for small miracles.

She wasn't finished yet. She looked me in the eyes. Her demeanor changed. The fear that she showed dissolved and became determined and resolute. "I understand that you were shocked and hurt by what you ...found. You had every right to be upset. I see that. Honestly, if you kicked my ass out and sent me to my sister's I would have had no one to blame but myself." She paused momentarily to show me the full impact of her next statement. " But if you ever make me afraid like that again..." She didn't even finish her sentence, but she didn't really have to. The look in her eyes conveyed the rest of the message.

I still hadn't said a word. I didn't have the ones that needed to come out yet. I was switching between being the justified wronged party and being the remorseful husband who was sorry for hurting his wife.

I'm sure she saw this conflict going on. Her face softened. She reached across the table and grabbed my hands. Her thumbs gently rubbed the my knuckles. I didn't snatch them away. Her touch was comforting, and let me know that my outburst last night had not changed her opinion of me. This undoubtedly encouraged her, because she gave me a small smile.

Then, her face changed. It became clouded and once again looked serious. "I want you to know that I had no intention of having sex with Brian."

Now it was my turn to look resolute. I didn't need to speak to let her know that this last statement was utter bullshit.

"I know that you don't believe me. There's no way that I can prove that now. But you have to trust me. I love you too much to ever do that to you. I would never..."

That's as far as she got before I got up from the table and left.

I was headed upstairs to the bedroom. I don't know why I went there. Hell, I had my car keys in my hand and I was fully dressed. If I really wanted to get away from her I would have just walked out the door. She would have had to make a choice between chasing me in a T shirt that barely covered her ass and some panties, or letting me go. But hindsight is 20/20, right?

I could tell she was on my heels. I heard her voice behind me, and I knew that she was still talking as I was retreating. Unfortunately, I don't speak bullshit. She could have been speaking Chinese and had a more fruitful conversation me.

I swung around and faced her. I moved so fast that she almost ran into me. I glared at her and huffed like bull does a matador. She cut her rant off in mid-sentence and stared at me.

"Selene, you told me that you never wanted to be afraid of me again, and that I should never make you feel as though I'm going to hurt you. But I have to honest right now. I am literally having visions of lacing my fingers around your neck to shut your lying mouth up. If you don't want to have to enforce the threat that you made earlier, you will give me some space until I figure out how to talk to you without leaving my kids without any parents. In the meantime, I suggest you figure out how to say what you have to say without lying." With that, I knocked her on her ass. Metaphorically of course. As she stood there in stunned silence I envisioned the referee starting the count. I went inside of the room and slammed the door shut

Whenever I need advice, I always call my big sister. Besides Selene, I think she is the smartest woman on the planet. She has never led wrong.

"Budget office. This is Tammy. How can I help you?"

"Tam, its me."

"Hey little bro. Did you call off today? You usually don't call me from your job."

"Yeah. I'm called off."

We both sat in silence for a moment. The implications of me not being at work was more massive than the words would suggest. I NEVER stayed home from work unless I took a vacation. I didn't do sick days. I went to work one time with a fever of 101. So my sister, who knows me almost as good as my wife, knew something was amiss.

"Spill it Tony. What's up?"

And that is how I spent the next 10 minutes. I filled her in on all of the texts that I found. I even told her about the "picture". Naturally, I left out the part of me trying to decapitate my wife with the phone (I needed her on my side, not telling me how wrong I was). She didn't interrupt me until I was done.

"So, have you talked to her?"

"Sorta"

"What's sorta?"

"Well, we try to talk, but then she starts lying and it goes to shit."

"What does she say when she starts lying?"

"She tells me that she never planned on sleeping with him. She says it's just innocent flirting. She says that she loves me. You know, all of the things that a lying cunt would say to cover her tracks. "

"Lying cunt? Wow, you are mad! Just don't do anything stupid Tony. You know how you can get with your temper"

Damn. I had to tone it down a notch. I still wanted her on my side

"What else did she say?"

"Well...That's as far as we get."

"She didn't explain anything about it?"

"No. We never get that far."

"Uh-huh."

More silence.

"Well, how do you know she's lying?"

"Because the bitch was telling him how big his dick was! He told her to go to his apartment and make up an excuse for her idiot cuckold husband!"

"Did she say that she wanted to go to his apartment?"

I honestly couldn't remember. I grabbed her phone and searched through the messages. I was a little surprised that I couldn't find a message that gave me concrete proof that she was going to have sex with him.

"Well, she doesn't spell it out, but there's no way that they are going back and forth like this with no intention of fucking. Just because I can't see the fire doesn't mean it isn't there. I see a hell of a lot of smoke and I feel the fucking heat!"

I took a moment to mentally pat myself on the back for my clever paraphrasing of the famous colloquialism. My sister was not impressed.

"Cute. Well, you can sit there and keep getting burned by your invisible fire, or you can grab an extinguisher and start putting it out. You aren't going to find out if she is telling the truth until you let her finish saying what she has to say." Damn her.

"So you're taking her side?"

"No dumbass. I'm taking YOUR side. I just want you make decisions based on information, not anger. You don't want to make this situation worse than it has to be. I'm saying get your shit together and go talk this thing out. Find out all of the info before you act. You want to stay wronged party in this one. That way, everything that happens from now on out will be YOUR decision. If you give her a Get-out-of-Guilt card by becoming the bad guy, this thing may get beyond your control."

Of course, she was right. That's why I called her. My big sis, my Yoda.

We spoke for another 10 minutes or so. I realized that in order to move on from this place, I had to find out the full story. In order to do that, I had to sit down and suffer through that lying bi...my wife's explanation of what happened. With my new resolve I hung up with my sister and made my way downstairs.

As I reached the bottom landing, I heard sniffling coming from the living room. When I got there, I saw Selene curled up in a ball on the couch. There were wads of balled up tissue all around her on the floor. My heart went out to her, but I wouldn't let my countenance thaw. I needed to stay objective.

I sat across from her on the loveseat and calmed myself before I spoke. She sat up straight and looked at me with anxious eyes, but she remained quiet and waited for me to take the lead.

"I need to understand what I'm looking at Selene. In order to do that, I need you to drop the bullshit and be honest with me. No matter how bad it sounds, I need the truth. You owe me that." I was relieved to find that my voice was calm, and even a little inviting. I wanted to make her feel comfortable enough to tell me the truth without fear of me blowing my top.

She said nothing. She just nodded. I felt a little more confident about where this conversation was going. I started with the obvious. "Why would you send text messages like that to a guy you had no intention of fucking."

She wiped her nose with some tissue.

"Because I got off on teasing him." Wow. Couldn't get more honest than that. "He is so cocky. He walks around the hospital like he can get any female into bed. It's fun to pull his strings. He is so sure of himself that he keeps coming back for more."

Sounds believable enough, but I still felt that there was more. I dove a little deeper.

"Are you attracted to him?"

She hesitated for a moment, which made my heart drop. But I didn't say anything.

"Physically, yes, he is attractive. But that's not enough to make me want to sleep with him."

Okay. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but it wasn't really much of a revelation. I figured that she was attracted to him on some level. I guess I just asked this question to gauge where we were on the honesty scale. This was definitely a case where she could have given me an answer that I wanted to hear.

"You are physically attracted to him. You enjoy flirting with him. You send sexy texts to him. Yet you don't want to sleep with him. Is that the full picture? Because I have to be honest with you here Selene. There are an awful lot of holes in that explanation that you have to fill in." I felt that anger rising up again. I caught it in time to quiet it.

"I admit that I like flirting with Brian, but not because I want to have sex with him. I flirt with him because I like the fact that HE wants to have sex with ME. Having an attractive guy flirt with me makes me feel more attractive."

I nodded, letting her know to continue. I didn't like what I was hearing, but I had to hear it out.

"Brian is relentless. I can reject him 5 times a night, and he still comes back for number 6. Having a guy take an interest like that in me when he can have any female in the hospital is flattering to say the least."

"Why do you need some asshole drooling all over you to feel sexy? You are the sexiest female that I've ever seen."

She looked at me with a sort of sarcastic smirk. "Really? You could have fooled me. You barely seem interested me. You haven't exactly made me feel sexy."

Now I was stunned. Was she trying to put this on me? "What do you mean? I always say that you're beautiful." I was starting to get defensive, which is not how I wanted to be. I needed to stay in control.

"You wanted honesty Tony, so I'm going to give it to you. Sure you SAY that I'm beautiful. You say it every day. But it's seems like you say it now because that's what you're supposed to say. You haven't really made me FEEL it lately. "

My anger slowly dissipated as I looked in her eyes. She was speaking from her heart. She wasn't trying to put this off on me. Her words were feelings that she'd been harboring beneath that calm and collected mask that she always wore. I nodded, letting her know that it was safe to continue.

"Ever since I had the girls I haven't felt sexy. I have a road map on my stomach, and no matter how much I run I still have that small pouch. "

I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. This woman that sat before me was the epitome of sexy . Every time I looked at her I have to mentally make myself not attack her. If I had my way, we'd both quit our jobs and only get out of bed to eat, use the bathroom, and feed the girls. I had NO idea that she felt this way.

How could this have slipped past me? Selene never said anything, but there had to be some signs that she felt this way. But I'd missed them. When you have someone as confident and self-assured as Selene, you tend to always think that nothing bothers them. In our relationship, I was always the one that needed reassuring. I was not blind to the fact that my wife was 10 times hotter than I actually deserve. She was always the one making me feel worthy of her. I didn't' realize that she needed the same thing.

She continued. "Do you remember when we first started having sex? I couldn't take a shower without you wanting to be in there with me. You used to watch me get dressed and I could feel the lust in your stare. God, I used to get SO WET teasing you like that!" I got a little embarrassed. I didn't know that she knew I was sneaking a peek. I was also stunned with the fact that she purposely teased me.

"Now, I'm simply the mother of your kids. You don't try to cop a feel when you pass me anymore. You don't wrap your arms around me just because you want to touch me. You don't...don't...find me sexy anymore!" Then she burst into tears.

That hit me in the chest. I didn't realize that I'd become complacent. Selene is so gorgeous that I thank God for her every day. I know that she is completely out of my league. I still sit back in amazement and wonder how the hell I got her to fall for me. But over time it just became one of those things that just...was. It stopped being one of those things that filled me with awe. I didn't even realize that my wife was shrinking away before my very eyes.

Then she looked me in my eyes with such a vulnerable look, my heart turned to mush. "Even though I liked the attention that I got from Brian, I was never even close to considering cheating on you. I would never give you up, especially for someone like him. I...I can't imagine life without you." With that the tears really started pouring.

I have to admit, I was becoming convinced. I just had one more question that was nagging me.

"Selene, if I hadn't intercepted that last text, would the picture of his dick have turned you on? You said in one of the texts that he had a big dick and you could see it in his pants."

I was not expecting her to start laughing. But that's what she did.

"Of course I said he has a big dick. That's what you guys like to hear. If a girl tells a guy that he has a big dick, he acts like he hit the lottery. I wanted him to keep flirting with me without having to promise him that I would fuck him. Besides that, it was just a clever response to his 'hard to watch me walk away' comment." Her laughter stopped and her face clouded over with a look of distain.

"I never wanted him to send me a picture of his dick. I honestly never expected that. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised though. "

She shook her head as she tried to shake the image off. "You know I'm not one of those girls who likes explicit photos of men and their junks. I believe less is more."

We sat there across from each other as we were encompassed by the silence. She was done talking. She'd given me the honest truth, and sat there anxiously waiting to see what my response would be.

Without a word, I got up, walked over to her, and sat on the couch next to her. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed. She just crumbled in my arms.

I hugged and rocked her as she cried into my shoulder. I didn't let go until she stopped.

"I love you Tony. I love you so much. I will never let another man think that I'm available. I promise."

"I love you too Selene. "

We hugged some more and then I sat back and looked her in her eyes.

"You know that Brian is history, right? I can't make sure that you stay away from him at work. I have to trust you on that. But I better not find any more texts from him in your phone."

She laughed again and hugged me tight. "Of course he's history baby. When you were upstairs I called HR and asked if there was another floor I can be assigned to. They told me that they would keep their eyes open for a vacancy."

Then, as an after-thought, she said, "And I'm changing my number tomorrow."

EPILOGUE:

I would love to say that things went back to normal. I tried to forget all about Brian and trust Selene again. But the more I tried to make things normal, the more I failed.

Selene did get her number changed like she said she would. It became a nightly ritual to check her phone over the next couple of weeks. I stopped this however. It was pointless. I found nothing incriminating, but did I honestly expect to? If she were going to carry on with Brian or anyone else, she sure as hell wouldn't be caught texting them again.

I had no way to be sure of her faithfulness, except to trust her. It was hard to do though. Even though she didn't cheat, I had to constantly live with the fact that she found other guys attractive. I know it sounds silly, but when you're married for 10 years you forget that you spouse has a working set of eyes, and that you aren't the only specimen of man that will make them take a second look.

I had many conversations with my Yoda, and she was very helpful. She really helped me over the hump. I'm not really sure I could have put the past behind me if it wasn't for her.

She talked me out of a really dark time. I was feeling the need for revenge and was about to head up to the hospital with a crowbar and wait for Brian by his Mustang. I knew it was his as soon as I saw it. It had at "Freedom isn't Free" bumper sticker, and a Decal on his windshield that would allow him access to the Navy base. Luckily, my sister reminded me that Cassy and Gaby wouldn't like to visit Daddy in the big house. She asked me how I would like to introduce my family to my new boyfriend, because it would be a no-brainer of me becoming some else's bitch. I had to laugh at that.