Irkutsk Ch. 16

I thought for a few moments. "Perhaps you're right. I don't think that even a few years ago I would have been able to be what you want or need. In those last years I have started to develop a clear understanding of what I need in life, and particularly that it is not affirmation from others of the half-hearted efforts I was then making to be a worthwhile person. Or perhaps my half-hearted efforts to appear to be a worthwhile person. I find now that if I don't do my best to do what I believe is right, then acclamation by others seems only to mock my imperfections. But if I genuinely do my best to decide what is right, and then do my best to do that right thing, then I don't need applause from others. It is sufficient to know that I did my best, even if it hadn't achieved what I was aiming for.

"Before I travelled to Russia I was never sure what was the right thing to do. Right and wrong seemed blurred. With you I found I was needed. Right and wrong became, for the first time in my adult life, clear opposites. For me to undertake what in effect is a polygamous marriage seems, on the surface, to be wrong. In many situations it would be. But it is not wrong for us, or at least it is not wrong for me, and I don't think it is wrong for you and your ladies.

"There is a sayingLife begins at Forty. In the past I saw it as an excuse for those approaching or beyond forty to claim some value to what was left of their slowly fading lives. I now find, some years beyond that age, that my previous life seems completely worthless by comparison. Your Brigade has given me a reason to live. A purpose to my life. An option to enable me to assist you, all of you, to have a purpose. An option for me to share that purpose with you. With the most intensely alive people I have ever met. The sex is - simply wonderful. The affection and company are more valuable to me. But they both fade into insignificance besides having a reason to live. A reason to be. A reason to work. And you, all forty-four of you, have given me this gift.

"I would do anything for you. I would die for you, if that would benefit you. But no, instead you ask me, invite me and in some cases force me to share your lives and your bodies. In exchange for making my life complete, you seek the one "payment" that I would have been willing to share freely and enthusiastically.

"The mystery is not why I am willing to do this for you. It may be that you - you all - feel the same and the mystery is therefore not why you are willing to do what you do for me. The mystery is how were we lucky enough to achieve that impossible set of coincidences to be in the same remote place at the precise times of our lives and under the circumstances when we needed each other so desperately.

"To get back to your first point, With you I have placed other issues ahead of my ego in the short term, but the result has been to give my ego a huge boost. To have forty four beautiful, intelligent, resourceful young ladies choose to share their lives with me, and to be of service to them has been the most fulfilling experience I can ever imagine.

I did not see Chris, Yulia or Romanova move, even though I was looking at them. Suddenly, however, we were quietly embracing.

It seemed a long while later that we sat down again. I think it was several minutes, but I really have no idea. I do know that the four of us had just made a big step forwards in our relationship. In particular I was pleased that Romanova had been able to share the moment. It seemed finally to close the door on the unpleasantness of the split in the Brigade. And that led me to a thought that was still forming as I spoke of it.

"There is another thing. Olena, Tasha and Tamar [I was trying to think of them as individual ladies, but couldn't quite get the numbers one, two and three out of my mind and still thought of them in numerical order] came to me today with the thought that they were serving out some punishment, some compensation they owed me. I had a wonderful time with them and I'm sure they had a wonderful time with me, but coming to me in groups is not going to work for everyone and that is not how I want it to be. If we are truly a team, then we must focus on what benefits the team.

"I think we should make it known to every one of us that my time to be shared with the remaining ladies is not an opportunity for them to repay some debt to me, it is an opportunity for us all to enjoy each other. You have been studying me with your database and you know what I like. I haven't had such an opportunity and I need to learn what each of you wants, from me, from the others in the Brigade, and from the world. If that is to happen they need to focus on what they want from me, not what they think I might want. Only that way can I start to understand their wants and needs.

"I promise you I will enjoy what happens just as much, if not more, if every lady comes to me with a clear picture of what they want. My time with Olena, Tasha and Tamar worked for all of us, but I don't want the other ladies coming to me in groups because they think it will make me feel better, or indeed because they want to rush the closure of this chapter of our lives. We have the rest of our lives together, and we need to take the time to do this properly. About two-thirds of the ladies have spent time with me, and each lady in the remaining third must be allowed the same opportunity as everyone else."