Is Love All or Nothing? Ch. 01

Thank you Tigersman for editing this chapter. This chapter and 2 and 3 have been revised and edited so all my mistakes are now covered up.

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The bar was packed as usual on a Saturday night. It was the place to be, whether on a date, looking to make new friends, or just unwind after a long week. The Brownstead Brewery always felt like a welcome to place to anyone. However on this particular night, Keith didn't want to feel welcomed, didn't want to feel happy. He just wanted to get his mind off of things and relax. He knew the bar would be busy with lots of people having a good time, getting drunk, unwinding from whatever was going on in their lives. Keith just wanted to feel like everything would work out and hope he would not feel pain anymore.

Every once in a while he would stop and look around from his bar stool and see what was going on around him. He liked to watch people and see how they interacted. He could usually tell within a few minutes the purpose of why a group were there. He looks over at a group of people at the other end of the L-shaped bar and studies them. He believes they are engaged in a double date. One couple seems to be very comfortable with each other and the other aren't sitting that close to each other. The guy looks rather nervous around the woman and he can't blame him. The woman is easy an eight on the attractive scale while the guy looks more like a five. He keeps looking at them while sipping his craft draft beer hoping the guy finds a way to show some confidence, but nothing seems to happen after ten minutes. He decides to look over his shoulder and see if anything else more interesting is going on but everyone is just mingling, nothing special happening.

He turns back looking at his beer and takes a long sip of it. "Why did I come here?" he whispers to himself looking at his mostly empty beer glass.

"Would you like another or do you want water?" the bartender asks.

"Just water for now Andy," Keith says in a depressed voice.

"You need to stop beating yourself up Keith. It's been nearly a month since what happened between you and Jillian." Andy gives Keith his glass of water. "I miss seeing you happy."

Keith shakes his head. "You know it is not that simple for me to stop beating myself up. I've tried distracting myself in so many ways but...the thoughts just keep returning and they won't leave me alone."

"Then we are going to play basketball at the courts tomorrow."

Keith looks up to see Andy staring at him. "Thanks for the invite, but I..."

"That wasn't an invite. I'll see you there tomorrow at two or I'll be banging on your door until you come out."

Keith couldn't help but laugh knowing Andy would not take no for an answer. "You might be a great friend, but tomorrow I'm gonna take out all my anger out on you."

Andy smiled back knowing he had done his job as bartender and friend. He looked at other end of the bar and saw some patrons trying to get his attention. "Let me know when you want another," he said, walking away to greet the patrons and Keith relaxed back into his seat and took a long sip from the glass. He and Andy have been friends ever since their freshman year of college when they became roommates at the dorms. Even though Keith was the nerd and Andy was the jock, they got along really well from the beginning. They just happened to also be in the same English and Psychology class the first semester. Keith was surprised to see how well Andy did in those classes even though he was a jock. Andy's natural competiveness pushed him to want to get better grades than Keith and would tease him if he ever got a higher test score in Psychology. Keith wanted nothing more than to shut him up so he took on the challenge of never getting a lower test score than Andy. They ended up with the highest scores in the class.

While they didn't share any classes their second semester, they agreed to keep up the competiveness by comparing test scores every week with the loser having to buy the other dinner at whatever local college restaurant the winner picked. They bonded over time and became best friends even when their collegiate careers changed. Andy ended up dropping out because he didn't want to accumulate too much debt and became a bartender at the Brownstead. Keith graduated with a degree in business and ended up working as a logistics coordinator for a small company in the college town.

One of their favorite activities was playing basketball. While Keith looked like a skinny nerd, he enjoyed playing basketball growing up and always prided himself on playing good defense. Andy wasn't anticipating how good Keith was the first time they played and never made that same mistake again. Anytime they got to play with a group of people Andy always made sure Keith was on his team. Even if Keith didn't score, Andy knew he would hassle the other team's best player on defense and make them work hard.

Keith was happy at the thought of playing basketball again. It had been a long time since he last played and probably the thing he needed most to get his mind off Jillian. As he was thinking about tomorrow a young woman sat next to him and looked right at him. "Hi, I'm Jackie."

Keith jumped as she introduced herself not expecting anyone to sit next to him, much less just introduce themselves. "Umm, hi. I'm Keith." Keith didn't know what to do or say next and just stared at her.

"What? Do I have something on my face?"

"No!" Keith said trying to not freak out or make her freak out. "I just wasn't expecting anyone to just approach me and introduce themselves to me."

Jackie gave a light laugh at his response. "Well, you are at the hottest bar in town and you looked lonely sitting here by yourself. I figured you could use some company."

Keith closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He knows she right that he is lonely but talking with a stranger just isn't his thing. He opens his eyes and looks at Jackie. "I don't want to sound mean, but I actually want to be alone tonight."

Jackie is confused by his response. "You want to be alone, yet you are at a packed bar. Sounds like someone who wants to be alone," she responds sarcastically.

Keith smiles and laughs at her response. "I also prefer to drink out instead of home alone. I've gotten myself drunk really bad before when I'm alone. When I'm here, I have to watch how much I drink so I can drive home safely." Keith then nods his head towards Andy as he walks by to the other end of the bar. "It also helps to have my friend be the bartender here. He won't let me leave drunk because I give him my keys every time I come in and he gives them back when I'm sober enough to drive home."

"And how did you reach this agreement with the bartender?"

"We became best friends our freshman year of college. He's seen me at some of my bad times, especially when it comes to drinking."

"It is great to have a friend like that."

"Yes it is." Keith looks back at Jackie and starts studying her. Her brunette hair is just down to her shoulders. She doesn't appear to have much make-up on if any. Her blue eyes just seem to look back at his through her glasses. She is dressed in a black t-shirt and blue jeans.

"Are you done sizing me up?" she asks with a smirk on her face.

"I guess I wasn't that subtle," Keith says laughing nervously.

"So what do you think?"

"You don't want me to say."

"Why not?"

"Because I have a tendency to say more than I should and I don't want you mad at me."

"I can handle anything you say. I'm a grown woman."

Keith lets out a sigh not wanting to do this. "You really want to know what I think of you?"

"Yes!" Jackie says very demandingly.

Keith straightens up, turns to face her and gets ready to tell Jackie his observations. "First, you aren't afraid to strike up a random conversation with a stranger. You like being social and making new friends." Jackie's face looks disappointed from the obvious observations he is giving at that point. "You also aren't here for a hook-up. Your jeans fit you comfortably and not too tight to show off your butt. Your t-shirt is also not tight so you don't show off your figure and attract unwanted attention. By the lack of make-up on your face you are comfortable with your natural beauty." Jackie smiles that Keith says she is naturally beautiful. However Keith turns away from her and stops talking.

"Why did you stop?" Jackie asks, wanting to hear more. She tips her head to try to see Keith's face.

"Because I don't want to go too deep."

"Keith, just tell me what you see. You can't see into my soul or anything."

Keith turns his head towards Jackie reluctant to continue. "Your eyes tell me that you miss feeling loved." Jackie's smile fades away. "Your smile is very sincere that you want to help me feel not so lonely and that is very admirable. In fact that makes you very beautiful in my view of you. But your eyes don't seem to have the same happiness you want to show everyone." Keith looks at her face knowing he should have just stopped when he had the chance. "I'm sorry Jackie, I didn't mean to...I should have..."

"Why would you say that to me?" A tear goes down Jackie's cheek. "How would you know what I'm going through? How do you know I want to be loved?" Keith just looks at her wanting to say something but doesn't want to do more damage. "Just because you feel lonely you think I feel unloved? Is that it?"

"No, my current state of loneliness has nothing to do with what I see in you."

"Then what the hell makes you say I feel that I miss feeling loved?"

"Because..." Keith just wants to end this conversation and knows there is only one way to end, "I have had the same look in my eyes when I felt that no one loved me or wanted me."

Jackie didn't know how to react. She was quick to judge everything he said about her and didn't want to feel the pain she was feeling by his words. It was only then she realized the pain she felt by the truth he spoke seemed to feel worse on his end reliving what he had gone through. "Keith, I...I'm sorry."

Keith didn't want to say anything else, he just wanted to leave. He was able to get Andy's attention for his keys and Andy hands him the keys. Before he gets out of his chair, he turns towards Jackie who has a worried look on her face. "Jackie, it was nice meeting you and I wish I was leaving on a more positive note, but I feel like I need to get out of here before I do anything else stupid." He gets off his chair and walks out of the bar and Jackie just sits there not knowing what to do next. She had never been analyzed so deeply before by some random person and yet he was so right on every point.

"Miss." Jackie jumps as Andy taps her on the shoulder trying to get her attention. "Is there anything I can get for you?"

Jackie glances up at Andy and then looks back into the crowd hoping that Keith would come back and talk to her. "I don't know." She turns back towards Andy. "I'm just really confused right now."

"I wouldn't have let Keith go home if he wasn't sober enough to drive." Jackie looks at Andy after he made the statement knowing he is trying to help her feel better. "He is a very nice guy but hates to hurt others. Lately his self-punishment has been getting worse."

"Self-punishment?" Jackie asks scared for Keith.

"In his head. He has prided himself on being a nice guy and making others feel good and loved. He enjoys seeing people smile even if it happens to be at his own expense. When he hurts someone he cares about, he has a tendency to shutoff and become distant."

Jackie was starting to understand Keith better but something still nagged her. "You said his self-punishment is getting worse. Why?"

"It is not for me to tell, even if I had all the details. I just know him well enough to let him process everything in his own way and let him be him."

"Is there any way I could possibly help?"

Andy smiles seeing Jackie's concern for Keith. "If you decide to try to talk to him again when he comes back another night, be yourself. Don't try to talk to him about his past, just help him feel cared about and be a good friend."

Jackie nods accepting what Andy's advice is. Still, she wants to do more for him. Even as bad as she felt, she felt like Keith actually saw her for her. He also cared enough to not want to hurt her, even though she pushed for his observations.

After that she left the bar and went back to her apartment. She changed into her sleepwear and got under the covers of her bed. She tried to sleep but couldn't stop thinking about Keith, about everything from the conversation they had to Andy describing Keith as very caring. She wanted to sleep but she kept tossing and turning with her mind never settling down. "Why am I so worried about Keith?" she said to herself. "He is just some guy I will probably never see again. So why can't I get my mind off of him?"