Isle Esme - The Missing Chapterbycrimsonandclovr4©
Chapter One: You can't always get what you want
He laid me gently on the bed, still soaking from our swim. I had to concentrate hard on breathing -- partly because I was staring deep inside his golden eyes, as he held my gaze with fervor. But mostly, honestly, it was because I was nervous. This was something I've never done before. How do people do this? Being completely vulnerable in front of someone, trusting them completely?
But I had to remind myself that he was probably more afraid than I was. He looked anxious and worried, like he was about to bolt.
I leaned into him and gave him a small kiss. He kissed back, cautious at first. Slowly, the intensity picked up. My heart started hammering against my chest, and I started breathing unevenly -- the usual consequences of his lips on mine. But this time, I knew that this was going somewhere we've never done before. I small part of me was borderline panicking, not knowing how to go through this. But a bigger part of me was thrilled. We would become one tonight, tied in every aspect.
He suddenly pulled away, with his eyes tightly shut.
"I can't do this," he said with an angry sigh.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming. I put my hand on his smooth cheek.
"Yes you can," I whispered. "It's ok, we can do this."
He impatiently shook his head, even before I finished what I was saying. He opened his eyes to look at me with fearful eyes. "I'm going to lose control. I will end up hurting you, Bella. I can't think straight, with you lying underneath me like this... your smooth skin against mine..." He shook his head again, seemingly disappointed with himself.
"You won't hurt me," I said, as I gently ran my hand through his hair. "I'm scared, too. But a bigger part of me wants you, Edward. A bigger part of me is saying we're meant to be together, and that I want to show you how much I love you."
He looked at me for a few seconds, as if trying to weigh my words into his final decision. I have been looking forward to this night, waiting to be his, officially. Nerves were getting to him, naturally. But I know his love for me is much stronger than his ability to hurt me. I was positive he wouldn't cause me any pain. I trusted him. Now I just wish he trusted himself.
"I can't, Bella..." he said, now leaning a bit farther away from me. "I don't know why I even agreed to this... The risk involved..."
"No, Edward," I said, now truly worried. Not because he might hurt me, but I can feel his confidence crumbling. "You said we'd try, but we haven't even done anything! We've barely started --
"Exactly!" There was a hint of anger in his voice; maybe exasperation. I dropped my hand from his face unwillingly. I didn't know if he was exasperated with me or himself. "We haven't even done anything and I already am losing focus!"
I looked at him with pleading eyes, but I knew his fear of hurting me has already won this argument. I could see the disappointment in his eyes. I could almost see his hatred toward himself. I almost felt bad for pushing this onto him. Almost.
"I'm so sorry, Bella," he finally said. "We can't do this. Not now."
The look on his face was heartbreaking. Pain, anger, sadness... I didn't want to add more guilt into that. This was something I waited for, I longed for. But seeing it torment him like this was unbearable. I felt selfish.
I gave him a small smile. I nodded my head. I wanted to be understanding. How selfish was I, to force him into doing something like this? He's constantly trying to protect me. Most of the time, he was trying to protect me from myself.
Even with all that, it didn't change the fact that it hurt. At least this way he wouldn't cause me any physical pain. As for the emotional part...
The familiar feeling of rejection swept through me. All I wanted to do was to run away from him, to forget about this whole thing. I started to push him away, my hand pushing against his chest so that I could get up. He held my wrist, and looked directly into my eyes.
"Bella... If I could, I would," he whispered. "You know that."
"I know," I replied.
I'm trying to be understanding, but maybe I needed to be alone. I could feel my eyes burning, warning me of the tears that were about to come. I pushed him farther and he moved out of the way, letting me get off the bed.
"Where are you going?" he said, sadness still in his voice.
I didn't know where I wanted to go. All I knew was that I wanted to be alone.
"Oh, just outside," I tried to act cool and collected, although my heart was close to tearing. "Maybe go for a walk along the beach." I grabbed my robe that was hanging on a chair nearby.
"Do you want me to come with you?" He asked slowly, unsure.
"Um, actually, I just wanted..." What do I tell him? That I wanted to run away from him, so I could break down? I just gave him another small smile and started walking towards the door.
"Please don't be mad," he whispered.
"I'm not." I said, gently, without looking back at him. And it was the truth. I was a lot of things, but mad was definitely not one of them.
Chapter Two: Every Night Is Another Story
I knew I wasn't going to be alone for very long. Edward would come out and look for me soon. But the tears were already welling up, so I sat by a small dock on the beach burying my feet beneath the sand.
This was supposed to be the best night of my life. Physical love was something I looked forward to sharing with him. Yes, it was nerve-wracking at first, but that fear was nothing compared to the way I longed for him. From the moment he had said yes to our deal, I couldn't wait for this night. I've imagined it a million of times, wondering how it would be, how Edward would be. So many things I wondered about... and now I would never find out.
Tears kept flowing as I cried silently. I controlled my breath, not wanting it to be too uneven, because then, it would be really hard to calm myself.
The worst part, I thought to myself, was that I actually believed it was going to happen tonight. Getting my hopes too high just to get crushed was more painful than I had imagined. I know he was being truthful, that he didn't think he could do it. And I didn't hold that against him. He was trying to keep me safe. But it just hurts all the same.
"Bella?" I heard him call out, a few yards away.
I quickly wiped my eyes, and took a deep breath. I didn't want him to see me like this. It would break his heart even more.
I got up and turned towards his direction, but he was already standing beside me. I couldn't look at his face, so my eyes remained looking down, only seeing the swimming shorts he just put on. He immediately had me in his arms once he realized that I had been crying.
"Bella. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry..." He kept repeating his heartfelt apology.
It was hard to see him like this, hurt because I didn't get what I want. What kind of a selfish monster was I?
I looked up at him and said, "It's ok. I'm ok." Guilt was now consuming me. I tried to get a hold of myself. I tried to remember that he's only doing this for me, that he doesn't mean to hurt me in anyway. I took a deep breath. "I'm fine," I said with finality.
"Please stop crying," he pleaded. He looked at me and put my face on his palms. He gently wiped my tears with his thumbs.
I nodded my head, trying to get a grip. "It's just that... things never go as I plan them, you know?" I said with a small smile.
He looked at me not knowing what to say. I didn't want him to apologize again.
I quickly added, "Hey, there are plenty of fun things we can do together on this island," I said, trying to sound cheery and excited. "Maybe not right now, considering it's too late for any water activities... Maybe a movie? You want to watch something?"
He saw through my front. Of course he did. He kissed my forehead.
"Bella...." He started. But I really didn't want him apologizing again, so I cut him off.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore," I said, while shaking my head at him. "Let's go inside, ok?"
He carried me in his arms and in two seconds, we were back in our room. He laid me gently on the big bed.
"What do you want to watch?" He asked, as lingered on top of me, his face being too close for me to concentrate. He was looking straight into my eyes, as if trying to look for some answers -- maybe trying to assess how sad I am about what we couldn't do. His eyes locked on mine took my breath away, and I almost didn't understand what he was asking me.
"Anything," I managed to force out of my lips.
"Alright," he replied, before leaning in to give me a quick kiss. In a split second, he was already across the room, surveying the DVDs stocked underneath the big flat screen TV. "How about '500 Days of Summer'? You love this movie."
"Romantic comedy," I chuckled. "Perfect," I said, with a smile.
He smiled back at me, heartbreakingly beautiful. He put the DVD in and turned the lights off. After laying the remote beside me he positioned himself on the bed with me. He put his arms around me and I laid my head on his chest. I was still wearing my robe and it was starting to feel warm. I wanted to take it off, but decided against it. I wasn't wearing anything underneath, and I didn't want Edward to think I'm forcing myself onto him again. Things were going okay now, and I didn't want to ruin it.
We watched the movie with Edward playing with my hair, occasionally placing kisses on my hair and forehead. I was lightly tracing circles on his chest with my fingers absentmindedly, while watching the movie. I was surprised when he suddenly, but gently, grabbed my hand. I looked up to him, just in time to see him gently kiss my hand with a sigh and his eyes closed. I was surprised to see his ragged breathing. He opened his eyes and looked into my eyes.
"Sorry, I'm distracting you," he apologized, smiling brightly at me. I chuckled at him, thoroughly amused.
He then shifted so that my head was no longer resting on his chest, but on his left arm. His other arm was still around me, but he was lying on his side now and looking down on me. I looked at him with confused eyes.
"Just watch the movie, Bella." He said with a smile, as he placed another kiss on my forehead.
I didn't know what he was doing, but I wanted to just play along. I tried to focus on the movie, but that was very, very hard to do with Edward breathing so closely, and heavily, to my ear, still placing random butterfly kisses on the side of my head.
"You're not watching the movie," I teased.
He chuckled. He then said the lines the same time as the actor was saying them.
"I love her smile," he said, as he started lightly kissing my cheek.
"I love her hair," he continued, as he lightly brushed a strand of my hair and inhaled my scent.
"I love her knees," he whispered, as he slowly trailed down to my ear.
"I love how she licks her lips before she talks," he said slowly. The kissing stopped, but he continued to trail his lips gently around my ear.
"I love her heart-shaped birthmark," he said, as I suppressed a shiver when he got to that sensitive skin behind my ear.
"I love it when she sleeps," he continued to trace my skin with his lips, until he started nibbling my earlobe.
I didn't realize my breathing was getting so uneven, until he looked at me and said, "See? I was paying attention." His golden eyes were too much to handle. I put my hands around his neck and kissed him.
I expected him to push me back, considering I almost attacked him with that kiss. But he didn't. I pushed myself to him, molding my body against his. My robe slid upward as I swung my left leg on top of his legs. He pulled away one arm wrapped around me, and I thought he was going to push me away, ending the kiss. I was surprised when he grabbed my leg and hitched it on his hips, reminiscent of one of the nights we shared together. I continued to kiss him and he kissed back, just as fervent and passionate. I had to pull away to get some hair, my thoughts whirling as I try to force oxygen into my lungs.
He let me catch my breath as he climbed on top of me. He continued to trail kisses from my jaw to my chin, slowly reaching my neck. His lips traveled across my throat, slowly changing directions to the side. He continued to travel upwards, reaching my ear again.
"How badly did you want to watch that movie?" he whispered, his breath uneven, too.
I tried to think but I couldn't think straight. It took me a second to realize where this was going.
"But I thought you said -- " I started saying but he cut me off with a kiss. I was bewildered at first, but still willing. So I kissed him back.
"Just answer the question..." he said when he pulled away. He started dragging his lips around my jaw, down to the side of my neck and up my ear again.
I wanted to yell at him to stop doing that if he really wanted an answer from me. It took all the will I had to give him a reply.
"This movie sucks," I said hastily.
"I was hoping you would say that," he said, as he grabbed the remote and quickly turned it off. He swiftly rolled so that now I was on top, and he kissed me again. My heart was hammering inside of my chest, seemingly wanting to break out. Edward kissed me passionately, almost hungrily. Desire flooded me and all I wanted was him. I was scared of getting my hopes up again, but this was too good. Edward was too good -- at distracting me, at clouding my thoughts.
He pulled away to give me room to breathe. He looked at me directly into my eyes.
"I love you, Bella. And I want you," he said, with eyes burning with desire and determination. "I can do this. For you. For us."
Hearing him say those words made me want him even more. I pulled him close to me and kissed him like I never had before. He rolled again, and he was back on top of me. His hands traveled to the knot on my robe. His lips traveled down to my neck, exploring. One hand pulled the knot untied and the other worked to get the belt of my robe off.
Chapter Three: Can't Stop This Thing We've Started
His lips suddenly stopped exploring my neck. I can only guess that it was because he realized that with one wave of his hand, the robe that I was wearing would no longer cover my naked body. He lifted his head to look at me, as if asking permission. I gave him a quick, gentle kiss on the lips, before grabbing his hand to place them on my robe, encouraging him to take it off.
He pulled the robe away from my body and lifted me off the bed to get it from beneath me, and then quickly threw it across the room. He did all this without looking away from my eyes. I put my hand on his face, and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. I wasn't sure anymore if he was just anxious, or he was trying to regain some control.
He opened his eyes and locked eyes with me again. This time, his eyes slowly started to travel down. I saw him swallow hard when he started to reach beneath me collarbone. He raked my body with his eyes, slowly taking it in. I wanted to cover myself up, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. Insecurity started to attack, as I remembered hundreds of females, some of them perfect-looking gorgeous vampires, who would throw themselves at Edward and probably would look better naked.
I started breathing rapidly again, very worried, anxious, and nervous, when I suddenly felt Edward's lips on mine again.
"You. Are. Beautiful," he managed to breathe out in between kisses. He continued to kiss me, with an intense, raw passion. He momentarily stopped to look at me directly in the eyes again, grabbing my hands and placed them on the front waistband of his shorts. Nervously, I undid the knot of his swimming shorts and slowly pulled them down. He leaned down to place a kiss on the hollow of my throat, as he kicked his shorts off of him.
The thought of his naked body against mine sent me on a thrill, wanting him even more now. I placed my hands on his neck and kissed him, begging for him to take me. His kisses were intoxicating, and just when I thought I was going to explode with desire, he licked my bottom lip with his smooth tongue.
My response was immediate. My tongue darted out of my lips, searching for his. This was something he wouldn't usually allow, but we both knew tonight was going to be different. Our tongues met and swirled around each other. Tasting him was a different kind of thrill -- inhaling his sweet scent through my mouth was addicting.
I unwillingly pulled away after a few minutes to catch my breath, but Edward did not stop. His lips continued to travel down my jaw, heading for my neck. He dropped kisses everywhere, from the side of my neck, to my throat, on my collarbone, on the hollow of my throat.... While he was busy, my hands trailed down from his neck to his chest, further down to his abdomen, and down to his pelvis. I traced the bones that formed the perfect "V" on his hips, trailing even lower.
"Bella..." Edward breathed, with a hoarse voice.
I didn't know at first if it was a warning, or if he wanted me to stop. But I suddenly felt my hands on the either side of my face, against my pillow. He was holding my wrists tightly. I thought he was going to give me a lecture on how I shouldn't make this any more difficult for him, but I just felt his lips on mine again. His hands let go of my wrists, and instead he laced his fingers with mine. His lips, once again traveled down, but he skipped my neck this time. His lips jumped to the base of my throat and lingered there, letting his nose run through my smooth skin. He let go of my hands, as his hands travel down my sides, placing them on my waist, gripping me tight. His lips traced my collarbone, lightly dragging his tongue on them.
My breath was getting so ragged, and I felt like I was going insane. Closing my eyes shut, I placed my hands on his head and let my fingers run through his hair. I felt Edward's vibrating moan, as he continued his advances. He started kissing my chest, heading for my sternum. He kissed the valley between my breasts, and I could feel his grip on my waist tighten even more. This should hurt, I thought to myself. But all I wanted was for Edward to grip me even tighter, for him to hold me even closer. I couldn't get enough of him.
His lips were now on the base of my breasts, which were rising up and down because of my rapid breathing. He slowly placed kisses on my left breast, while his left hand traveled up to my right breast. He traced his fingers around it, slowly rising up to the peak. His thumb lightly traced my nipple and I shiver. His tongue darted out of his lips to lick my other nipple, eliciting a gasp from me. I felt him smile against my skin, and I almost felt frustrated for his teasing.
He continued to place kisses on my breast, switching to my right one to give it the same amount of attention. He did the same thing, kissing my breast, and then putting my nipple inside his surprisingly warm mouth. His icy breath made it even harder, but his tongue keeps sending shivers up and down my spine.
"Edward..." I involuntarily moaned.
I felt Edward lift his head off of me, and I moaned again, this time in protest. He placed his hands on my hips, and I felt him place a trail of butterfly kisses down my stomach, and above my belly button. He licked my navel, and I let out another moan. He kept going downwards, kissing where his lips pass. His lips traveled down to the left side of my hip, kissing my pelvic bone. He let his thumbs trace my pelvic crest on both sides of my hips, traveling lower and lower, almost reaching the inside of my thighs.
I wanted to scream at him, to beg for more. But I knew I had to be patient with him, although I wasn't sure anymore if he's still trying to take things slow to remain in control, or to just mercilessly tease me. Either way, I was fine with it. Sort of.