tagHumor & SatireIt's a Fucked Up Life

It's a Fucked Up Life


I gazed downwards at the icy Hudson River preparing to take the plunge. My life was over the moment the Patriots sidelined Brady at halftime out of some pre-Christmas benevolence. Instead of pouring it on, which they would do every chance they had, they simply limped past the hapless Fish; thus blowing the spread. How I got fucked royally on that one. What was going through Bill Belichick's evil brain to pull off a stunt like that?

Anyways, the "Boys" would spend some time breaking me apart knowing that I couldn't pay back that loan. At least jumping into an icy river I'd go out with my balls intact.

My nose caught a slight burning smell nearby. Gazing towards it I saw some burnt guy looking fairly grotesque as most burnt guys do. Too bad I didn't have my gun or I may have plugged him a round or two.

"Freddy!" cried the demented looking dude.

"Listen fuckwad, there's plenty of springboards on this bridge so why don't you take some other side," I responded, flipping the dipshit off.

"Freddy. I was sent here to help you," the guy said as he stood up revealing a horned head.

"Help me? Unless you got 50 smackers that I need to cover my bet I don't think so. Well do you?" I asked, growing quite impatient.

"Freddy. I am your guardian devil. I was sent here to earth to show you some things," the impish burnt man said as he moved his bony hand close to mind.

I saw Gino's car down the street. His boys were coming out, no doubt having tracked me down. I guess I kind of chickened out of the suicide gamble and grabbed the horn headed devil guy's hand. The world spun around and I landed upon unfamiliar turf.

"Freddy. On this Christmas Eve, I would like to show you the world as if you didn't exist," the devil dude said as we gazed at some strange and yet familiar city. I looked at the street sign but it just couldn't be.

"Welcome to Times Square Freddy," the devilish guy said as I looked around in dismay. Not one adult video or strip joint could be seen. The flashing billboards were gone and a church was in prime real estate. No prostitutes were to be found. The air was crystal clear and I couldn't see any trash flying around.

"What the fuck happened here?" I screamed out. I grabbed a guy by the shoulders looking for answers but my hand passed right through him. Sensing I was transparent, I tried to grab a passing girls tits but I felt air and she felt jack.

I was unsuccessfully looking for a hotdog vendor. "You see Freddy, you fucked a lot of girls in your day. One of those girls, Carol, went on to a life of drugs and prostitution before dying of heroin. If you hadn't been born, she would've met the right guy who would become mayor of New York. Together they cleaned up Times Square and in fact the whole state of New York."

"Oh yeah Carol. Do you know how many times I had to get that girl to suck my cock so she would be able to swallow? And when she passed I had to have a few of the girls do double duty. It's hard to keep good help," I told the imp.

Suddenly I felt the imp's hand again and the world started spinning. When it stopped I was in a hospital looking down at some gorgeous chic. Lots of people in suits were looking down at her as she passed away. An American flag was placed over her body. People burst out in tears.

"So you have any idea who she is?" asked the imp.

"Hard to say but she had some nice tits even up to her end," I responded. I felt kind of sad for the chick.

"Her name was Jessica Jameson. She was considered one of the best presidents the United States ever had," the imp said. Taps began blasting out, giving me a migraine.

"Not better than Bush I am sure," I responded. I was remembering some of my fun days in Texas.

"You see Freddy, if you had never spiked the punch and later banged Jessica with your frat buddies, 18 year old Jessica would've stayed a virgin, got religious, and would later become a powerful member of congress representing the state of California. She would eventually win the presidency and during her short term before being assassinated by Al Franken, she would use her influence to pass bills for school in prayer, remove all funding for stem cell research, and help to overthrow Roe vs. Wade. Instead she went on to shorten her name to Jena and pursue a successful pornographic film career." The later part just blew me away.

"I fucked Jena Jameson? That is too unreal!" I exclaimed with pride. A dozen or so pornographic films went through my head in the span of a second.

The imp grabbed my hand and once again I had that spinning feeling. When I got my bearings back I was wondering whom else I had banged. I was in the aftermath of a war zone, debris piled up across the horizon. Across the beach I was looking at a tipped over statue of liberty. I felt pretty sad looking at that.

"Oh come on now devil dude. I couldn't have anything to do with that," I said, pointing at all the devastation.

"Freddy, remember we are looking at the world as if you were never born. As Cindy played an important part fixing New York with her husband Rudy Giuliani, Jessica interned with her and had a secret bisexual affair. Jessica, who was very much influenced by Cindy, made sweeping changes as President. The United States felt that the world was a decadent place and needed cleaning up. Jessica ordered troops to invade Canada to squash the marijuana rebels. Canada fought back, freed Al Franken from prison, who in turn set off a serious of nuclear bombs. It was later discovered that Al Franken was a blood relative of Genghis Khan and Ruth Westheimer." The imp man concluded his explanation. I was still looking for a hotdog stand.

"Please don't tell me I banged Al," I begged.

"No Freddy, you are looking at life as if you never existed. You couldn't have had sex with Al Franklin. However Al Gore?" the imp responded.

"Good to know. By the way, you got any film of Jena and that Cindy. I'd sure like to see it," I said as more porno flicks passed through my brain.

I felt the devil's hand touch me again. This time we stopped in front of a computer. Sitting down I typed in various porno websites, none of which were popping up as a result of this dumb web filter. Growing quite restless on my 30th try I put in Literotica to see if my posts were still up. Once again the error message appeared. It like the rest of all that was indecent and tantalizing was a distant memory. The online smut filled world I had known and loved was forever offline. Suddenly an empty feeling went through my soul as I thought of how my life had altered the destinies of so many people.

As I sat reflecting upon all that transpired this Christmas Eve night, the screen changed on it's own as a story of mine popped up, "Always Shower First." As I read it I had to smile.

"You see Freddy, the devil loved that story as did everyone in hell. It was he that stole the missing paragraph at the end to give it a slightly different outcome. It kept you from branching into the field of worthless Romance. The devil has kept quite an eye on you and your warped view of erotica, which he finds quite appealing. He will extend a place to you in his wild orgy of hell when the time is right. However until then he is expecting a lot more stories," the imp man said as Gino's boys dragged me to the ground.

As the first punch hit my belly I screamed, "What about the trolls and the grammar loving fools?"

"Don't worry. They'll all go to boring ass heaven," the imp said as he vanished.

Gino's boys pulled a mysterious stack of bills out of my pocket. After a broken rib or two they left. As I lay on the grown in pain I saw the image of Bill Belichick on the sideline, and as he smiled at me I saw two horns come out from his forehead.

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