tagHumor & SatireIt's All the Bird's Fault

It's All the Bird's Fault


"Helllllllllp....... Helllllllllp." She screamed from down the hall.

"My god, what the hell is going on down there?" I thought to myself.

Then I hear it once again. "Hellllppp..Hellllp!" Why was she screaming?

I stood, ran down the hall, not stopping to think what might be on the other side of that door, I opened it. What I saw I could not believe. Right there in the middle of the room was the biggest red and blue parrot I'd ever seen. I mean I've seen some big birds, but this one must have been three feet tall.

Then I saw the lady who must have owned the bird. She was an older lady,maybe in her 50's, not a bad body either. She stood there starring at me like I was some crazed man bent on having my way with her, then realized I must be there because of the bird.

"Oh god, I'm soo sorry, was Hermit bothering you?" The woman in front of the cage asked me.

"Hermit? That's the name of the bird?" I asked.

"Yeah, he doesn't like to go outside at all. We just moved in and he's still acting up from the car ride. He really didn't like to be out in the sun at all." She tried to explain.

"Helllllllllllllllp!" Screamed Hermit again.

I saw a small throw sitting on the couch and placed it neatly over Hermit's cage. She just looked at me strangely.

"Didn't you know birds need darkness to keep them quiet?" I asked her.

"No, I had no idea. But it seems to be working all right." She shook her head.

"Why don't you let me get you a cup of coffee to say thanks for helping me with Hermit? Oh and I just made a coffee cake last night and I planned on having apiece just as soon as I got him calmed down, want to join me?" She asked with a hopeful glint in her eye.

Who was I to turn down a cup of free coffee, so I nodded yes and walked behind her as we made our way to the kitchen. I couldn't help but watch the way her hips swayed as she walked in front of me. She poured two cups of coffee and sliced two pieces of coffee cake and brought it to the table. I had to admit the cake was really good, but as I took a sip of coffee to wash down the cake I almost spit it out. It was the most bitter, foul tasting coffee I had ever had the misfortune of drinking.

"Hellllllllllllllp!" Hermit screamed again as I was about to ask about the coffee.

She gasped as she heard the bird, her hands raking through her hair worriedly. She went to the cage, took the small blanket off and looked at the silly bird sitting there throwing his head back for another scream.

"Oh for gods' sake Hermit, what's the matter with you?" She screamed as the crazy bird attacked the bars of the cage, squawking and rattling the bars like a mental patient bent on escape.

I looked at the bird and his cage, noticing for the first time the brownish colored liquid in his water bottle. Just then Hermit decided to let out a scream that would have shattered a plate glass widow had there been one around. I put my hands over my ears and motioned for her to follow me outside.

"What do you have in his water bottle?" I asked almost knowing what she would say.

"Oh, I gave him some coffee, he seems to really like it and it makes his feathers shiny." She told me with a straight face.

"Coffee? Sweetheart, that coffee is strong enough to melt the metal off the stove, I really don't think that bird should be having any."

"Hellllllllllllp, Helllllllp Me!" The bird started screaming again.

"Oh dear god, someone's going to call the police if we don't do something." I told her as we walked back to the cage.

"Well." She started. "I have found one way to get him to stop screaming. It always worked the other times."

She looked at me like she wasn't sure she should tell me. But what could have been so embarrassing? I thought.

"OK, I'll bite." I said.

"Biiiiiite Meeee!" The bird screamed.

I looked at her noticing the pink flush that rose on her cheeks. "Ummm yeah I guess I have to watch what I say to a bird that can imitate what I say." She giggled.

"Well want to tell me how to shut him up?" I asked.

"Well," She said as she looked at the floor. "He always shut up for a while whenever me and my old boyfriend started kissing." The pink turned to bright red all around her face as she finished.

"Oh, well I suppose I could do it for the bird." I told her with a devilish smile on my face as she looked up into my face her eyes looked mad until she saw I was teasing her.

I walked to where she stood in front of the cage, making sure the bird saw what I was about to do. I placed my hand on the back of her head, still looking at the bird and brought her close to my body. Hermit had stopped rocking on the bars and was staring at us by this point.

"Looks like this might work." I told her as my lips came down hard on hers.

She kissed me back. Her arms tightened around my neck, her lips soft and pliant on mine as I ravished her mouth. My mouth left hers for a moment as I bit her ear, my tongue making small wet circles. But I stopped right as my tongue made contact with something very bitter. I pulled my head back and I looked down at her ear, discovering a small ball of ear wax right where my tongue had just been.

I coughed and spit, damn near throwing up on the spot as she looked horrified at what had just transpired.

"My god, ear wax. Shit!" I coughed again, trying not to vomit.

She started crying, as she ran for the bathroom as she clutched her ear.

"Hellllllllllllllp!" The damn bird started screaming again.

I walked slowly to the cage so Hermit would see me coming. "I'm only gonna say this once you stupid bird, if you don't shut the fuck up I swear I'll rip your feathers off and deep fry your skinny little ass!" I shouted to the bird.

All at once the bird stopped screaming and just looked at me, I think he understood me, no doubt I wasn't the first person to say this to him. He went casually back to his perch and started cleaning himself.

I knew I would have to do something about that woman who was still sobbing in the bathroom. I knocked on the bathroom door.

"Hey, um...you know I don't even know your name." I said through the door.

I heard movement then she said, "Why not just call me ear wax!" She said through the door.

"I'm sorry, why don't you come back out here. Things like that happen, it's alright. No big deal." I tried to comfort her even thought I didn't believe a word of it.

I heard the door open and she appeared. Man, she looked awful, her eyes were all puffy, her mascara was smeared all down her cheeks and there was snot running out of her nose. I had to get the fuck out of here and fast. Just the sight of this bitch was making my stomach heave.

Her hand came up, wiping the snot that dribbled from her nose all the way across her face. The mascara smeared on her cheek now mixed with milky substance from her nose damn near making me gag as I looked at her.

"Why don't you let me do something nice for you?" She smiled as she dropped to her knee's, frantically pulling the zipper down on my jeans before I could stop her.

"Dammit, what the fuck are you doin?" I asked astonished at her behavior.

She had my cock out in record time, I tried to pull away from her but it felt so good as she deep throated my dick. Not many women had been able to do that. I wasn't huge but bigger than average at 8 inches, I was also thick. Almost as thick around as her wrist, but that didn't seem to stop her from taking the whole throbbing thing down her throat. I was about to lean back against the wall when she gagged on my cock. I saw stars as her throat muscles clenched around my cock harder than anything I've ever felt. I almost passed out from the pain as her throat clenched and unclenched on my cockhead. I tried to pull my cock from her mouth but I couldn't. It felt like she was biting me!

"Damn it! Let go, down bitch, let me go!" I screamed, as she looked up at me and shrugged her shoulders.

That's when I noticed something wasn't right. Her teeth weren't attached to her gums. "My god her false teeth were gripping my hard cock as they fell out of her stupid head!" I thought.

I wanted to scream, please let this be some weird ass dream, but I was wide awake as she smiled her toothless smile and licked my now shrinking member. My cock fell out of her mouth followed by her teeth.

I looked down at her mascara and snot streaked face as her teeth hit the floor with a loud pop.

I finally got my cock back in my pants and backed away slowly from this silly bitch. I got outside the apartment and heard that damn bird squawking again. I only saw her and her stupid bird one more time, when she was moving out after the management gave her a 30-day notice.

The next time I hear screaming, I'm not helping!

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