It's Only Fair Ch. 06

"I am paid up till the end of the month and I am sure I have enough to cover June as well."

She tapped her paper. "I am pleased with everything I've heard about you and Amber to date. I'd like to let you know that New York DSS has some programs that will help subsidize your child's care costs."

"Really?" I was immediately distrustful and would talk with Lenny the next day about this.

"Yes. Let me gather the paperwork and resources on this and get them processed for you. It should help while CPS has its investigation open."

I thanked her for her help and sure enough on talking to my lawyer the next day, he told me that it was an option and to take it. He filled me in on what was going on with Elle at this time. She was participating in the program as defined by 5 North and was on a cocktail mix of three types of medication. The understanding was that the psychiatric team wanted to get her to an even mental state and then work on her therapy in order to get her to understand that this was something she would have to take care of every day.

On Thursday a visit to Jan, Elle's mom, after work reiterated what Lenny had told me. Jan was growing upset about her visits to Huntington.

"I don't understand how you put up with her, Rick," she said, her face downcast. "She's my daughter, and I love her with all my heart, but she just doesn't seem to see that what she's done is wrong."

"I know, Jan. I've lived it."

"She misses you, Rick. You and Amber both. But she keeps blaming you. I know I've tried to make her understand, but she's very set on that."

"Really, Jan? How is any of this my fault?"

"I don't know, Rick. It's what she says. I hope that she'll learn the truth in her therapy sessions."

And then we came to Friday. I had gotten a call from Lenny that morning, asking me to come down to family court by 1 that afternoon. "What's up?"

"I need you to come down; we have a meeting before the Judge on your wife. Also, the Law Guardian needs to be formally introduced to this case and entered in record."

"Law Guardian?"

"Yes," Lenny replied. "I am your lawyer, and I understand that your wife has her own lawyer, retained this week by her mother..."

I interrupted with a snort, "Really? That's news to me!"

"However, neither lawyer is allowed to represent your child who is considered a third party in this matter. So a Law Guardian is assigned and her job is to make sure that your daughter's needs are being best met."

"I thought we did the Orders of Protection? It's under my name, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is. However, the courts know that you are biased to your own agenda and a Law Guardian's job is to make sure that Amber is properly represented."

"Damn it, Lenny? Do I have to pay for this too?"

"Eventually yes. I'm sorry Rick."

I told Andy that I had to take half a day and left feeling pretty shitty. I had just gotten a raise 2 weeks ago and here I was taking lunches and days off and leaving early. "Can't lose my job," I muttered. I took Amber out of daycare, knowing I wasn't going to drive back here at the end of the day, resolving to take her to court with me. "Is that going to piss them off? I don't know anymore." Kerri could tell I was frustrated and asked me to call her while driving since she would be on lunch herself. I got a longer than acceptable handshake/handhold goodbye and then we were on the road.

I called Kerri after 12:15 and we talked. I unloaded on her about this new wrinkle with the Law Guardian and she listened intently and without complaint. I had to give her props, she deflected the conversation to more mundane matters and kept me at ease the remainder of my ride to Family Court. I thanked her and told her I'd call soon, wishing her a nice weekend.

Taking Amber in with the carrier, I wade my way through the metal detector and climbed up to the second floor. There I met Lenny who shook my hand gladly and smiled down at Amber. "Very smart, bringing her with you."

"I didn't know what to do. I couldn't leave her at daycare and then risk being late to go back and pick her up."

"No, trust me. This will go well with the Judge and the Law Guardian." He had me take a seat in the lobby and then joined me. "A thing about the Law Guardian; she's a real lawyer. Don't let her fool you. But she is not your friend. She has a direct pipeline from CPS to her ear and many of the CPS head people are not lawyers, they are usually appointed their positions."

"Is that bad?"

He shrugged. "It means that it's a popularity or political matter that gets you appointed. Too many of the upper echelons of Child Services are held by the wives of conservative judges or other people who do not have social working, law, or psychology degrees." He looked pointedly at me and then Amber, "This means that the people who are going to have a major impact on what is told to your daughter's Law Guardian are probably the least qualified people to have any say. So if the Law Guardian says or does something that seems just wrong, stay quiet and let me do my job. Okay?"

I nodded and then joined him by the courtrooms. There were ten of them, large double doors of heavy deep brown wood, five on each side of the hallway. I noted outside of each court stood an officer of some sort in uniform; not a cop, but looked enough like one. There was an alcove by each, room enough for a dozen people to sit at on the hard oaken benches.

Lenny indicated at which one I was to wait at and told me he'd come out and get me when it time for me to come in. So I leaned back and tried to get comfortable, watching the people who were here at court today.

Let me tell you, people have no shame anymore.

This was court, lawyers in suits, officers, judges, baliffs; everyone that worked here looked the part and was properly dressed. I did come from work but I was wearing a button down shirt and a sport jacket. Some of the people here looked like they were going to mall. Open toed sandals, bad tee shirts, ratty sneakers; too many of them looked and dressed like slobs. And the attitudes? Some of them were stomping about with their hands flailing, railing on their cell phone forgetting that everyone could hear them bitch and moan to Jerold about 'doing that shit again' or to Tina about how 'I don't have any more money, the bitch is bleeding me dry'.

Don't they have any shame? I am sure I saw one person picking her toenails in the next alcove, flicking the bits of nail all over the carpet. What the hell was I doing here? Have I somehow been lumped in the same class as these people because of my situation? I just felt dirty being here so it was with a sense of personal revulsion that I stood up when Lenny poked his head out of the doorway and motioned for me to come in.

The courtroom was cool, walls painted a faint industrial looking blue. There were five rows of chairs on either side of a central aisle, only a handful of people sitting in them. I was led up to the front where I was instructed to stand to the right, next to Lenny. The judge, a friendly faced older male wearing a pair of horn rimmed glasses, sat up there, talking to another uniformed looking person. A stenographer in a maroon jacket smiled at me as she held her hands over the keys of her machine. Next to Lenny was a heavy set blond woman of middle years dressed in a beige looking outfit, her eyes catching mine and crinkling slightly. Was it almost a smile or a scowl? I couldn't tell.

The judge spoke first, getting all the information he needed from my lawyer and the woman who was identified as Mrs. Margaret Lauer, Amber's Law Guardian. I was asked to verify my name and other personal information when asked, replying with a simple, "Yes, your honor," when prompted.

Eventually we got to the heart of the matter. Lenny assured the courts that I was complying in everything that was required of me and was making myself and Amber available to CPS whenever needed. He reiterated that there were two orders of protection on place preventing Elle from contacting us or returning to the home, and that she was currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at this time.

The Law Guardian confirmed most of what Lenny had said and added that someone from 5 North wanted to contact me about some of my wife's therapy at this time and would I be willing to talk to them. Lenny agreed that I would and that it would be no problem. And the Law Guardian went on.

"We'd also like a third order of protection, limited in powers, in the child's name against Mr. Masters."

My head whipped around and my mouth dropped open in shock. Lenny shook his head subtly and pinched the back of my left arm, ordering me to remain silent.

The judge pretended to not notice my reaction even though I know he saw it. "Why would that be necessary, Mrs. Lauer?"

"Currently Mr. Masters is acting as primary guardian for the child and has indicated no interest in establishing a formal separation from Mrs. Masters. We feel that in light of this omission that Mr. Masters might be remiss in his duties as primary guardian for the child and place her in a situation once again where she could be exposed to Mrs. Masters' violent outbreaks."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't believe the gall of this bitch to do this. I was going to get in trouble because I didn't decide to divorce my wife while she was in the hospital and I didn't know anything yet or what was going on? Was the judge going to accept this? Was this even possible? How could this fucking happen?

Lenny shook his head. "Mr. Masters has been acting as primary caregiver for the child practically since the child's birth. He takes care of her daily in all manners and matters. He was the originator of the two existing Orders and has proven himself to be an acceptable guardian for the child. As for Mrs. Masters, Mr. Masters is waiting to learn the results of Mrs. Master's therapy and admission with Huntington before making any decisions regard the possible future for their marriage. Regardless of the outcome, however, his primary focus is the health and long-term well-being of the child." I wanted to give Lenny a high-five at that point, feeling so happy to have him as my attorney.

"Mrs. Lauer," the judge said, shuffling some papers on his desk, "I understand your concern but I am looking at the same documents you have as well as the Suffolk PD report and they all show that Mr. Masters is doing what he needs to do."

"That's what we are looking for, your honor." She held up a meaty finger, angled in my direction. "We want a limited order in place against Mr. Masters in the child's name that he will take all steps necessary to keep his daughter safe from Mrs. Masters. We want to hold him responsible that he will make this happen until such time that my office and CPS feel that Mrs. Masters is no longer a potential threat."

The judge nodded his head. "Done. Have it filed with the clerk downstairs." He turned to Lenny. "I have before me a request of contact from Dr. Harding at Huntington to Mr. Masters concerning Mrs. Masters treatment and therapy. Unless you have a problem with this, I am going to allow this dispensation and allow Dr. Harding to call Mr. Masters."

"We have no problem, your honor."

"Done. I want to hear about this matter in three weeks after Mrs. Masters has completed her sessions and is able to come here or at least have her own representative come. Dismissed."

I followed Lenny out of the courtroom where we were joined by Margaret Lauer. We shook hands but I just knew that this woman was not my friend regardless of how 'motherly' she was behaving to Amber. When it was polite enough we bid her farewell and Lenny walked me down the side exit and to the parking lot.

"You did well enough in there."

"I'm sorry I almost lost it."

He smiled. "It's ok. I'd be more worried if you weren't upset."

"What the hell was the purpose of that?"

"That was an example of the system putting another yoke on your shoulders. Now, if Elle contacts Amber or you run into her at the mall when you have your kid or anything that involved Elle and Amber contacting one another, YOU get trouble. Not Elle, you."

"Is that even legal?"

"Sadly it is. And it's not a nice thing to do, but that's what you get with family court." He placed his hand on my bicep and squeezed. "Remember, Mother Theresa and Team Amber."

I smiled but felt even more hollow inside as I walked to my car, strapped us both in, and drove away. It felt like there were landmines all around me and each time I got my bearings, one of these agencies or problems or whatever kept giving me shoves in random directions.

It was during the evening while I was rereading Elle's emails for the umpteenth time that I received a call from Huntington Hospital. "Hello, this is Dr. Harding, may I speak with Rick Masters?"

"Speaking. Thanks for calling Doctor."

"Anytime. Thank you for accepting this call."

I sighed. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, Mr. Masters, I wanted to first pass on a message to you from Mrs. Masters that she misses both you and your daughter, is sorry for her actions, and loves you both."

I felt a lump in my throat and a flare of anger in my heart, neither one gaining dominance. "Thank you, Doctor."

"I have been instructed by Mrs. Masters to answer any questions you might have during this conversation. What I wanted to talk to you about was some of your observations during these last turbulent months."

For the next 45 minutes I gave Dr. Harding a comprehensive overview of Elle's and my life, trying to be objective and not vilify her; succeeding somewhat.

"Mr. Masters, I want you to understand that your wife was not in her right mind."

"I am aware of that, Doctor. But be that as it may, it doesn't give her an excuse to behave the way she did."

"Mental illness is difficult on the people who have to live with those afflicted. But in this matter, you have to understand that Elle was not behaving that way against you out or malice or spite."

My brow rose. "So that excuses her actions?"

"Not at all. It places them in context. Your feelings and reactions are based upon hers. But hers are based upon whatever prodded her to feel that way internally. Sure there was some guidance based upon the people around her, but it was an internal imbalance of her brain chemistry that had more than a minimal amount of control."

"And the handcuffs? Has she mentioned them?"

"Yes she did, at length. Her manic state from her post partum induced bi-polar episode is not to blame for her interest in personal restraints and an expanded parameter in her sexuality. It merely facilitated the ease in which she was able to generate such a rapidly defined interest in this aspect and her desire to explore it. Being manic and untreated, she was able to distance herself from your relationship and that of your daughter without understanding that it was wrong."

"I don't know, Doctor. It just sounds like a series of excuses to allow her to behave like she did."

"Again, Mr. Masters. Mental issues like these are hardest on the families, not the patient."

"Will she get better?"

"There is no getting 'better' from being bi-polar. It's like green eyes - you either have them or you don't. You can wear contacts, be ill, get jaundice - anything else to mask it, but it doesn't negate the fact that you have green eyes."

He continued, "Your wife has been bi-polar and will be bi-polar her entire life. With the proper medication and therapy it can be regulated and minimized, but it is something that will never go away. During puberty, pregnancy, menopause, and any period where a trauma might occur like the death of a loved one - the bi-polar condition can be triggered and whatever safeguards, medications, and therapy that had been working to date might suddenly be ineffective when placed against a renewed manic state. So to answer your question, yes, she is getting better. But I want to remind you, it will never go away."

I digested everything Dr. Harding said, trying to see beyond the now. If I stayed with Elle...if...I would have to be on the lookout for this for the rest of my life. If we had another child, it could happen again. When her mother died, it might happen again. When she hit her 50's and menopause, it could very well happen again.

It wasn't a matter of whether or not I loved her, because I did. I wasn't going to lie to myself or anyone else after 14 years. I did lover her. I also did not like her right now, not in the slightest. It was whether or not I could live with this hanging over our head and potentially being a victim of her imbalance once more. And on that I wasn't sure.

And it made me feel like shit.

But there was one piece still missing, and since I couldn't talk to Elle, maybe Dr. Harding could answer my question for me.

"I think I understand that part, Doc. I don't agree with the 'excuse' part of it, but that's my own problem to deal with." I cleared my throat. "You mentioned that Elle gave you carte blanche to answer any questions I might have, no matter what?"

"Yes she did."

"Doctor, did any chance, Elle mention to you her activity with the handcuffs?"

"Yes she did, along with other light forms of dominance and bondage."

I swallowed. "I need to know. Did she mention at all if she had a partner in this or was it all self-inflicted?"

Dr. Harding paused and I was worried that he was not going to tell me before he finally replied, "She did have a regular partner that she participated with, Mr. Masters. I'm sorry to tell you."

I cried. One single sob tore its way from me before I could clench my teeth and slam my hand over my mouth. I ignored the stinging in my eyes and willed myself to relax. "Thank you." Fuck you, Spencer! Fuck you, you Elmont prick! "Did she have sex with them or was it just dominance?"

"I gathered that she did not have vaginal intercourse with her partner although there was mutual bondage and light sexual abuse. I also know that it was just one although she did enjoy pretending to be dominant to a number of internet only partners."

My brain latched on to something he just said. "So, she was not physically engaged with any of the guys she was emailing with?"

"No, sir. She wasn't."

"And mutual? She was dominant and dominated?"

"Yes, sir. She was."

"She didn't perchance give you a name, did she?" I felt myself growling.

"No, Mr. Masters, she did not. She feels a certain amount of shame in this matter and we are trying to get her to a healthy place, not retread over broken ground. Suffice it to say that it is a male, someone she knows, and it was mutual and consensual on both their parts. She has never referred to him by name, only as 'him' in our sessions."

"Thanks Doctor Harding," I choked out. Looking at the clock, I noted it was after 10. "If there's nothing else, it's late and I have a lot to think about."

"Not a problem, Mr. Masters. I wish you and your daughter the best and thank you for taking my call."

I hung up and burst from the couch. Who, Elle? Who the fuck was it? Who the fuck was a part of this? The pounding between my ears was deafening. I went to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. I plucked out the bottle of Advil and shook two into my hand. And then a third. I popped them into my mouth and dry swallowed them, leaning forward to rest my hands on the edge of the sink and place my forehead on the cool glass of the mirror.

Slowly I lifted my gaze and started into my own face. I looked terrible, worse than I had ever appeared since this mess started. I closed the Advil bottle and put it back on the shelf next to band-aids and shut the door.

The band-aids.

I opened the door. Next to the band aids was the tube of Neosporin that used to be in her bag.