Jacob's Ladder

I realized that intelligence might be one thing. But experience is the quality that tempers intelligence into effectiveness. Up to this point, Kate and I had been preciously naïve. Now, I understood that there were depths of human experience that we had only begun to plumb.

Both Kate and I were complicated, perhaps too complicated. We both knew from experience that there are very few intrinsically kind people in the world. We were not naturally aggressive and we were both introverted; it was just the way we were. Our attraction to each other was that of fellow travelers, alone in a very strange land.

Perhaps that was why Kate had decided to act; to show me what her inner self was really like. I wasn't going to ask her about her reasons. That would have been incredibly crude, but I could make an educated guess. The Kate I knew, would never impetuously give up her virginity, especially if it was for no purpose. Obviously, she had the same concerns as I had. My sharing my fears must have prompted her decision to seal the deal. I don't think either of us expected the degree of passion that ensued. But, it was inevitable. Still waters run inordinately deep, and both of us had a lot going on inside our repressed psyches.

I gazed into Kate's worried face and said, "If you think that what just happened changes anything, you're absolutely right." A look of anguish washed across her face. I hastily added, "I thought I loved you. But I didn't have a concept of what love really meant. You just showed me what true love is, and I would walk miles through white-hot coals to keep what we have."

Her face began to register joy, but at that point there was a huge boom, and the sky lit up with a barrage of fiery blossoms. It was dramatic timing. The fireworks show was a perfect physical manifestation of the love that we had just consummated.

THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE

Sounds sappily romantic, doesn't it? Well we were kids; insulated from "Nature red in tooth and claw." My ingenuous state didn't last much longer. A couple of weeks later, I was sitting in my room trying to decide what to take with me to college. The phone rang downstairs and I heard my mother answer it. There was a couple of seconds of conversation then I heard my mom wail, "Ohhh Nooo!!!"

I came thundering down the stairs to see what provoked THAT heart rending cry. Mom was slumped dazedly on the floor, phone in her hand. I picked it up and a voice was still talking. It was saying something about the local hospital. I said, "This is Mary's son, Jacob; what's going on?" The voice said, "This is Officer Martinico and we need you to bring your mother down to St. John's."

I said, "What's the matter?" His next words blew away my innocence. He said, "Your father has had a heart attack and we need you to bring your mother here as fast as possible."

That was my introduction to real-life. Pop was only 51; kidding around with some of his employees, and dead before he hit the floor. There was the usual medical mumbo-jumbo; which was followed shortly thereafter by the funeral. My Dad was a respected member of the community. The crowd was impressive; everybody offered condolences.

My mom was a basket case, and suddenly I was the man of the family.

Dad had a good team, but he didn't have a succession plan. That just seemed too far in the future, so I had to get up to speed, or sell the business. Selling it would probably have been the smart thing to do. But, the company was my father's life achievement and neither my mother, nor I, could bear to part with his legacy. It was a sole proprietorship, with me as the owner. And I was an 18-year-old kid who didn't know shit about anything.

Hence, the die was cast and it didn't include college. I was going to have to learn the trade from the ground-up, and I was going to have to learn it fast. Kate had been my rock in my grief, but she was going to leave for State College. She had offered several times to stay home. Each time, I told her "no.".

There was no earthly reason to put Kate's hopes and dreams on hold, just because karma had chosen to stomp all over mine. My selfish reason was that I didn't want any distractions. I knew I would be dedicating long hours to making myself into the new head of Jackson & Son. If Kate was parked at State College, I could devote myself to learning the things I needed to know, without distractions.

We had been regularly fucking. It was like the dam had burst and we couldn't get enough of each other. Kate was spectacular the first time, but it turns out we had only scratched the surface of her sexuality. We didn't do anything beyond the conventional, but we did it frequently and from many different angles. Kate was an uninhibited and totally giving woman, and her sheer enthusiasm made up for any lack of sophistication.

The thing about life, though, is that the clock ticks at the same inevitable rate. Kate left for her college orientation session at 7:30 AM that Saturday. She cried. I cried. It was a difficult parting. Her parents even looked like they were questioning the decision.

I had lost the two most important people in my life in less than a month. That was the reason why the sight of their car disappearing out of the suburb was particularly overwhelming. It might not be true for everybody, but I react to grief like a bad case of the flu. I'm drained of energy, listless and even achy. I went home and slept for two days.

But, you have to march, or die, and I wasn't ready for the latter. So, I started my new life, willing or not. William Barnes was my dad's right-hand man and a steady older guy. He was my version of Yoda; without the green complexion and long ears. William, don't call me Bill, was ten years older than my old-man, meaning he was sixty-one. He had overseen the daily operation at Jackson, from as far back as I could remember.

His title was Chief Operating Officer, but it might as well have been Drill Instructor. He had always been kindly, like the older uncle. Now he was a demanding task-master. He started my introduction to the business by putting me to work in the mail-room. That might be a bit of a cliché. But working there, I quickly got to know everybody in our little company.

THEN, after work he tutored me for several hours on everything from financial management to circuit design. That was following a nine-hour day trudging around the building carrying packages and letters. The fourteen hours that I spent at work quickly became my routine.

On Saturdays, William would teach me about networking. That skill had nothing to do with routers and switches. We would meet for dinner with business associates and the various movers and shakers in our corner of the market. These were almost exclusively old white-guys who treated me like a manservant. After all, I was forty years younger than most of them.

I really didn't mind being William's boy-Friday. I was still as shy and introverted as ever. I let him do all the talking. I just sat there smiling politely, but the time I spent in those figuratively smoke-filled rooms gave me a much better idea of what it took to keep a company running, and I got a lot smarter.

That quality should never be confused with intelligence. I was starting to develop the animal cunning that you need to succeed in business. It begins with the assumption that every one of your "friends" are adversaries. It also includes a healthy dose of paranoia, which is how you develop survival instincts. Of course, you aren't paranoid if people really ARE out to get you, as I soon learned.

William was a master of the art and he would debrief me after every session. I would be astonished to discover how everyone was playing an angle, all designed to give them a slightly larger share of the pie. After months of those sessions, I was beginning to lose all faith in humanity. That was reinforced by what happened next.

In the meantime, I was conducting a passionate long-distance romance with the love of my life. I knew that Kate's situation was as demanding as mine. She was away from home for the first time. She had to get up to speed in her classes, and they were not the typical blow-off courses that a husband-hunting female would take. They were the hardball studies that were required for a pre-med student.

Worse, Kate also had to learn how to get along with strangers, which is difficult for an introvert. Kate was in a dorm room with two other girls and she told me that it was horribly intrusive. They were constantly in each other's space, and privacy was impossible. She would have begged her parents to move her to her own place; they could afford it. But all freshmen had to live in the dorms, unless they were in a sorority.

We both realized that growing-up was a bitch. We talked for hours every day. It was like we were helping each other adapt to our new, unfamiliar, and very uncomfortable existence. I wanted to visit, but that wasn't feasible. My business lessons took up most of my time and it was six hours back and forth to State College. We conversed by phone and exchanged loving text messages.

That contact got less and less frequent as the fall progressed. I put it down to the fact that Kate had joined a sorority early that October. It was less for the social life and more to simply get away from her roommates. But, it was a very exclusive group.

Kate was rich and beautiful, so she went from living in a box with two other freshman girls, to being the star of her sorority's recruiting class. I was a little worried about her newfound sense of empowerment. That would go to anybody's head. Everybody wants their woman to be desirable, but that is a two-edged sword, and I knew it.

With Christmas week looming, I told William that I wanted a break. He said, "You're making great progress. Why do you want to take time off?" I said, "Because Kate is going to be home and I want to spend all my time with her."

I had become more confident in my role as heir-apparent. William was an excellent mentor, and I was amazed to discover that I was a quick study. I had the business routines down, and I was beginning to get a lot smarter about the relationships with the workers. I was also becoming something of a prodigy in circuit design.

I had always been a geek. But, I found my true inner nerd with circuit innovation. My first exercise was to write a new hardwired connection for linking sensors in a diesel-engine-monitoring-system, to a program logic controller. It was just designed as a learning exercise, but it was so intellectually absorbing that I spent all of my free hours doodling with it.

William was astonished when I showed it to him. Shortly thereafter, I found myself meeting with the entire engineering design team. It seemed that I had put together a device that could handle a much greater sensor load at three times the speed.

I signed my first patent application just before Kate's arrival. I had also cemented the respect of my own engineers, most of whom were twenty-five years older than me. That boded well for the future. I was confident that I was going to be successful, so I decided to take the next step.

I had managed to scrape up the money for a one carat diamond ring. I owned the company, but it was in trust. Instead, William was paying me ten-bucks an hour to deliver mail. Nonetheless, I was still living at home, and had no social life. So, I planned to propose to Kate on New Year's Eve. It was time.

I was standing in the driveway when they arrived. Kate emerged from the car, glided gracefully over to me and we hugged. Neither of us were into public displays of affection, we were both too inhibited, but it was clear that she was happy to see me. I handed her the dozen roses that I had hidden behind my back. She seemed thrilled, but there was something else in her response. Was it hesitancy?

Kate needed time to settle in, so I told her that I would drop by as soon as I got my own Christmas out of the way. My mom needed me, and it wasn't like Kate had all sorts of high school friends to visit. It had always just been her and me, and we wanted to bask in our togetherness.

I arrived right after dinner on Christmas day. We sat alone in the den. Her parents trusted both of us. The first thing I noticed was that she was ready when I got there. That was a first. Then the second thing hit me. I should have noticed it when she arrived. But I was blinded by the sheer joy of seeing her again.

Kate was a rich kid. But, she always dressed in relatively modest and inexpensive clothing. The Kate sitting in front of me was a study in style, from the zip-up blue cashmere sweater to her short, A-line skirt; and she was wearing enough gold to make Midas jealous. Nevertheless, the biggest change was her hair. Her long chestnut hair was cut in a chic preppie bob.

I said warily, "I like what you did with your hair. It's very sophisticated."

She smiled happily and said, "The girls at Kappa Gamma are helping me come out of my shell. They're like real sisters. I feel like I grew-up a year for every week I was on campus. You were right. We had a very limited world-view living here. The transition to college opened my eyes. I'm free now, and I can spread my wings and fly."

That was the precise instant that I knew I'd lost her.

The fact that we were both a little odd, had driven us together. And the stresses of adolescence only reinforced our intimacy. Both of us had broken through our limitations, but we had done it in different ways.

I was a long way from the naive kid I was six months ago. Eighty grueling hours a week, under the tutelage of a grizzled old warhorse like William Barnes, will change how you view the world. I was a lot more confident and in command of my life. Having to step into your dad's shoes without any preparation will do that for a fellow.

Kate needed a personal sense of connection to feel secure. Growing up, I was the only person who gave her that critical assurance. Now, she had discovered a new source of intimacy, in the hot-house culture of Greek-life. I can imagine how comforted she must have felt, finding a group of women who went out of their way to connect with her.

That connection had channeled Kate's entire persona into a different path. She was no longer the timid, self-doubting and inexperienced girl I loved. She was a woman who fully understood her worth, and she had adopted a different attitude toward her world. It was one of grace, ease, and style. I simply didn't have the sophistication to match that.

Worse, just like I could never go back to being the naïve kid who played video games in our basement; Kate could never return to the unassuming and insecure girl she had been before she left for school. I didn't have to be a social savant to see where that put us, but I still had to ask. I said, "So what does this mean for you and me?"

Kate gave me a deeply loving look and said, "It doesn't change anything. I still love you. I will always love you. We grew up together and there is an unbreakable bond between us." I could hear the "But" coming... "But I also know that I have a lot of things to do and a lot of places to see. I had always expected to be your wife, but I have to grow into that role now."

I said, heart sinking, "I assume that your 'growth' includes dating other guys?"

She looked at me sympathetically and said, "Yes it does. I have been totally devoted to you, since the second grade. I think it's obvious that focusing on one person to the exclusion of everybody else helped ensure that I would be the inexperienced and immature girl that I was when I left home. I know that I have to learn things if I EVER want to become a fully capable adult. I've experienced enough of life to know that, now."

I couldn't question her logic. Every person has to decide who they are and where they fit. That's been the case since they chiseled "Nosce te ipsum" on the face of the Temple at Delphi. But, it still hurt. I said, "I assume that your 'sisters' where the ones who helped you discover this?"

She looked uncomfortable as she said, "We talked a lot about it. These girls are far beyond my modest upbringing. They have helped me to understand that I need to experience life before I can truly be fulfilled. I know that college isn't the real world, but, I'm surrounded by 40,000 kids, all of whom are going through the same learning experiences. It's hard to see self-discovery as a bad thing."

I said, "I assume that you've gained some of these discoveries from the male half of that population?"

Kate looked even more uncomfortable as she said, "Of course I've dated. I would have never been allowed to pledge Kappa Gamma if I hadn't. But, I just go out with whoever asks me. There's no love, nothing like we have. I tell them that I have a boyfriend back home and I have been completely faithful to you, but I date. That has helped me understand myself better."

There it was. It was obvious that Kate had crossed the great divide. She had moved from sheltered, to immersed in her culture, and thanks to cruel fate, I wasn't going to be part of the picture. It was inevitable that she would meet, interact with, and I was certain, eventually fuck other guys.

I didn't blame her. The adult Kate was forged in a different mill. It was one where the only emphasis was on self-actualization. That is what college is all about; it's in the oxygen and the water. The intensive navel staring might seem a bit self-involved and egocentric. But maturation takes time; unless destiny tosses you into the deep end of the pool and says, "Swim!!"

Fate had denied me the luxury of taking a four-year hiatus to "find myself," so I was on a different path than Kate. That path didn't give me the time to mull over the meaning of life; I was stuck surviving it. The only saving grace was that I had found out that our paths were different before I did something REALLY humiliating. I hoped the jeweler would take back the ring.

Every year, there's a huge New Year's celebration at the club. So, I smiled and said, "Okay, let's talk about something less earth-shaking. What time do you want me to pick you up for the New Year's gala?" I was only trying to cool down the situation; but wait! There's more!

Her beautiful face changed and she looked sad. She also looked more than a little embarrassed. She said, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to that event with a boy I met at school. He wanted to see where I lived and I invited him down for New Year's Eve."

If her declaration of independence had been a little abstract, THAT announcement was a stake through my heart. She knew what she was doing. She would have had to be brain dead to think that I was NOT expecting to go to the gala with her. This was an intentional message, read and acknowledged.

I tried to keep a poker face as I said, "I see. Well, I gotta get going. The day starts early for us working stiffs. And Mr. Scrooge doesn't let us take Boxing Day off." I rose and began to walk toward the door.

She said plaintively, "Jake." I just kept walking. Then there was a huge collision. Kate had run across the room, thrown her arms around me and plastered herself on my back. She was weeping. I turned. I could see the struggle in her eyes, so I did it for both of us.

I said, "I know it's hard to let go of childhood. Seriously, it's killing me, but you've made your choice and I accept it. Everybody needs to be all they can be. But then again, you can't have it both ways. So, I'm ripping off the Band-Aid."

I added sadly, "We've gone in different directions. I told you that would happen. Truthfully, I knew we were doomed the day you left town. We both have to accept that and get on with our lives.

I could feel the desolation creeping in like San Francisco fog. I said, "At least you had the good grace to tell me in advance, rather than let me find out on New Year's Eve. I appreciate your honesty, and I will love you the rest of my life, but we don't belong together anymore. Enjoy your vacation, and maybe I'll see you around."