Jenna Ch. 01

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Suddenly, a tall blond with perky tits gasped. Everyone turned to her to see her standing with both hands covering her mouth, and looking pale as her gaze darted around the bank of the lake close by. Several other girls approached her asking what was wrong, but she could only shake her head and point at the bank. The others kept darting looks at the lake, til one of the guys muttered, "Oh fuck. Fucking shit!" He too paled as everyone clamoured for an explanation. Finally, after looking around at the faces of everyone, he said, "The fucking tree's gone!".

As one, the group looked towards the lake, at first confused about what he meant, then in rapid succession it hit them; the tree they had been swinging from last evening was missing. The ground was undisturbed as if it had never been there. Only Jenna was not panicked, though she decided not to tell anyone where it had moved to, let alone how she believed that had happened.

Without a word, everyone galvanized into action, and in record time everything was collected, and they started back for their vehicles in a tight group. Reaching the cars and trucks, the gear was unceremoniously dumped into the back of one of the trucks, then they all just stood around, a feeling of shock permeating the small group. Then the story teller from the night before said, "Shit Greg, what the fuck did you put in the marinade?" The joke broke the tension, and everyone laughed hard, letting much of their tension ease out of their minds. Another said he was hungry, and received a unanimous vote to find a diner ASAP. With that, they quickly organized themselves into vehicles and headed back for the highway.

It did not take them long to find one, and in short order they had occupied a grouped of picnic tables and were chatting and joking about things unrelated to the last 24 hours. Finally though, one of the guys looked at Jenna and commented on how she had changed, and the words were supported by a chorus of affirmations claiming it was a very good change. One of her lovers went so far as to thank her for the best lay he'd ever had. Several more jumped in with similar statements, and Jenna returned the compliments saying she had thoroughly enjoyed herself too, but not to expect a repeat any time soon. That brought an enthusiastic round of agreement from the women. To which the guys voiced how wounded they were by the cold rejection. One girl poked a guy in the ribs saying maybe HE could come to her room tonight, if he wanted. That launched a minute of raucous teasing.

They were young and resilient. Something very strange had happened to them, and it would be with them for the rest of their lives as a shadowy mystery, a pleasant experience tinged with a thrill of fear at the unexplainable. Yet they adapted. In the months to come, they would acknowledge a certain bond amongst the twenty, and several long term relationships came from it, but everything was soon more or less back to normal.

Only Elsa had some suspicions, perhaps fed by subtle differences she saw in Jenna. Not the obvious behaviourial shift, though she was extremely happy about that. No, there were things that niggled at the back of her mind but could not seem to be brought into clarity. Well, except that at times, when Elsa looked at Jenna from the side, and the light was just right, she could swear she sometimes caught a shimmer of iridescent green flash over Jenna's eyes.

=====

[Three months later. Sound of an old radio being dialed, searching for a channel]

In other news, farmers .....................near Lake ........................county, are reporting record crops this year. One farmer ................ in more than twenty years. He went on to say that his corn was the sweetest he had ever tasted it, and everyone else was saying much the same. Spirits were high in the region as the boost to local prosperity came at a critical time, saving many farmers from foreclosure as...................[hiss pop CLICK]

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  • COMMENTS
3 Comments
LordMhoramLordMhoramover 12 years agoAuthor
Thank you

Etaski, I think you summed up my short coming very neatly in that one sentence, "I'm being told the story, not really shown it."

I feel the truth of your comment, and I will endeavor to keep it in mind for the next story. Thank you very much for taking the time to post your sincere, and helpful critique.

catman71catman71over 12 years ago
this could get

very interesting, what is she now, and what does it portend in the future, hope to know soon

EtaskiEtaskiover 12 years ago
Style of the old oral stories

This is a very complex and fresh idea, and I like both the old-as-time "fertility ritual" theme coupled with a modern biological explanation for it happening. :) The quality is good and the amount of thought you put into it is admirable.

However, I also know why the story doesn't absolutely grip me (4 of 5):

I'm being told the story, not really shown it.

Immersion into an erotic a story depends on being able to see it, feel it, to be there. What I felt here was as though I was sitting around a hearth-fire listening to someone recount an old story in great detail. There is still that bit of separation between me as the reader and the women in the story for really being able to "feel" them and become truly aroused.

Intellectually, I can admire the idea and the explanations; it's intelligent and very woman-friendly. But viscerally, I'm frustrated with not being able to break into the story and be immersed in it, to feel that orgy or the connection to the mysterious nature spirit.

There's a phrase for story writers that we do well to bear in mind: "Show, don't tell."

More actual dialogue between Elsa and Jenna at the beginning would have helped. Perhaps some actual thoughts within their brains, rather than telling us what they think.

Let the characters' actions speak for themselves, rather than doing what might be the equivalent of over-explaining the purpose of a painting to someone who just wanted to admire it for what it is.

Using the "tell" technique that you do for the entire story is usually what a writer can use to "transition" between two points in time. Essentially it's a summary to help speed up getting from where you were to where you want to be. But the technique isn't a good one for a much longer piece, as youu have here.

I hope this makes sense? It's only intended to help your next story, and I'd like to see more writing from you. :) You do have skill, and thank you for sharing.

Best of luck.

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