Jersey Love: Apple Dreams & Release

"Coral, does she look like she's in any shape to go to school? Just turn the music down and worry about yourself."

"Ugh, it's not fair," Coral huffed.

"No, you're right, it's not fair that your sister is sick and needs extra attention. Are you feeling neglected?"

"Well, not really. But if you start cutting our spa days because of Raina, I'm going to be mad at you Mom."

"Fine. You better get going. Have a good day."

"Yeah, whatever," Coral grumped, stomping away.

Raina rolled over and hid her face in her Mom's neck.

"Good luck at the doctor's," Coral mumbled through the closed door.

***

"So, am I going to get to see you this weekend?" Logan asked her on the phone that afternoon.

She had gone to the doctor's that morning and they had determined she was indeed having an adverse reaction to one of her many medications. Thankfully the hallucinations had stopped about an hour and half after they started. The doctor just wasn't sure which medication was the cause. Raina and her Mom knew it was the newest medication, but the doctor didn't want to listen to them. And so they were making her suffer needlessly by pulling her off of everything. She wasn't sure how she was going to bear the Fibromyalgia pain without medicine to help ease it.

"I don't think it's a good idea. The doctor wants me to detox my body from all of my medicines, cold turkey. I'm not going to be a pretty sight," Raina sighed. She knew that Logan was patient and he said that he accepted her, even being sick with Fibro. and chronic fatigue, but she still had her doubts.

Other than some fatigue and weak-knees, which he swooped in to rescue her from, he hadn't seen her on a really bad day. They had only been dating since the summer and only saw each other on the weekends. That didn't lend itself to many moments of seeing her in her "true form" as she called it.

"Aw, baby. You're always a pretty sight to me."

"Seriously Logan, it's bad. This morning, I thought bugs were crawling on my body and that spiders were going to devour me."

"Um," Logan laughed uncomfortably.

"It's not funny," Raina cried. "I was hallucinating and really scared. My Mom had to practically hold me down to stop my thrashing."

"I'm sorry, Raina. Is there anything I can do?"

"Promise you won't come this weekend. I don't want you to see me this way. Please."

"But I miss you," Logan told her.

"I miss you too. But you won't like what you see. I hate it."

"Why are you hiding yourself from me? I can handle it," he promised.

"We'll talk about it. I have to go lay down now."

"Okay, get some rest. I love you."

"Thanks. Bye." She wasn't ready to say I love you. She wasn't sure she'd ever be ready. She wondered how long it would take for Logan to expect her to relate her emotions to him and respond to his profession of love. She wondered how long it would take for Logan to run far from her and her problems.

***

Raina had been in bed for a week straight. She was too weak to get up and walk around. Luckily, her parents moved her last year to the guest room downstairs, which was right next to a bathroom, to make it easier and safer when her tutors came to teach her.

With the help of her walking stick, she could make it to the bathroom on her own, but that was the extent of her exertion. She struggled to sit up, pushed the TV tray containing her latest 1000+ piece jigsaw puzzle out of the way, and took a few breaths. The doctor said the detoxification process would take a couple of weeks. She hoped it somehow miraculously shortened.

"Mom," she called.

"Be right there," her Mom called back. "Someone's at the door."

Raina's anxiety level shot through the roof. "Please don't let anyone in if its for me. I can't see anyone right now." She pulled the covers up and burrowed beneath them, listening to the voices.

"Raina's not feeling well and doesn't want anyone to see her," she heard her Mom explain to the visitor at the door.

"Not even me?" Raina gasped when she heard Logan's deep voice. What was he doing here? She made him promise to stay away.

"Logan, don't go in there," her Mom warned.

"I'm sure I'm the exception to her rule," she heard him say. She listened as his footsteps drew nearer. Was the door locked? Did Mom remember to lock it? Crap, he couldn't see her in this state!

"Raina."

"I'm sorry, Raina. I tried to keep him out, but he insisted on seeing you," her Mom sighed. "Don't be long Logan. She needs to rest."

"Go away," Raina squawked. "I told you not to come. You promised," she whined.

"I never promised you. I said we'd talk about it." Logan walked into the room and put his head on the lump beneath the covers. "Baby, come out from under the covers and talk to me."

"Ow, don't touch. I hurt all over," Raina complained. "No, don't want you to see me this way."

"Aw, how bad can it be?" Logan gently pulled the blanket down. Raina kept her face down, with her hair covering it. He touched her cheek. "Does it even hurt here, too?" He stroked gently.

"Everywhere," she said, breathless.

"I brought you something. Open your eyes so I can show you."

"Just leave it on the dresser and go," she pleaded. Logan swept her hair back. Raina finally met his sea-blue eyes with her tear-stained, turquoise ones. Her eyes changed colors and crying brought out unusual hues.

"Rain..." Logan started. He blinked at her, frowning.

"Just go," she commanded.

"You look..."

"I look like shit. Yes, I know and I don't need to be reminded."

"No, you look translucent," Logan finished his thought.

"I look invisible, great that's even better. Logan, please leave me alone. I can't bear this."

"I want to help you."

"You can't. I'm really wiped out."

"I brought you something to cheer you up. Here." Logan handed her the softest, most cuddly-est, teddybear she had ever seen. The brown fur was like velvet. She held it in her arms and stroked the fur across her cheek.

"He's so soft and cute," her lip lifted in half a smile.

"I'm glad you like him. If I can't be here to touch you, to cuddle you, to hold you; I figured the bear can take my place." Logan smiled and lifted a strand of dull red hair from her shoulder and tucked it behind her ear. "How much longer is this detox stuff?"

"I don't know. But I'm going crazy," Raina said in misery. "I can't think clearly. My body is in all sorts of weird pain. Sometimes it's burning, sometimes stabbing, sometimes pulsating, other times I can't even really feel my body and I feel numb, but just brushing against my skin sends my skin crawling and my teeth on edge."

"You've lost weight," he observed. "Are you eating?"

"A little. I have no appetite. I just sleep all day and at night. I can't get comfortable. I wish you hadn't come. I hate that you are seeing me like this." Raina tugged her knees up to her chest and tried to bury her face in them.

***

"Raina, I have to see you "like this" at some point, don't I?" Logan asked her. He studied her. Her red hair lacked its usual sheen. She had huge blue circles under her eyes. Her cheeks were pale. She trembled and looked like she had lost at least five pounds. Her face was like a contorted mask of pain. All he wanted to do was reach out, pull her into his arms, and hold her until her body stopped trembling. But he knew that his touch would only cause her more pain at this point. He was clueless how to help her. He felt helpless. He realized this must have been how her ex-boyfriend had felt when he could do nothing to ease her pain.

"Hold your hand out," Logan said softly. He had wanted to see her last Wednesday on his day off, but was warned away.

"What?" She asked as she extended her left hand and held it up to him. Logan pressed his palm lightly against hers.

"Does that hurt?" he asked.

"Not really." She watched him. "Your hand is so warm."

"And yours are cold. But that's what you have me for," he smiled at her sweetly. "Would it hurt if I very gently put my arm around you?"

"I-it might hurt, but I want you to hold me. I just - touching hurts," she sighed. Logan wanted to hold her and reassure her more than anything.

"Can you move over a tiny bit?" he suggested. "I'll just lay next to you and we can touch hands like we're doing now. That shouldn't be too bad, right?"

"Okay, give me your arm." Raina held his arm and sat up, then inched over to make room for him. Logan lifted the blanket and slid in next to her, putting his hand out for hers. She laid her palm in his and turned her face into his neck.

"I missed you," she whispered. "I think I'm gonna cry again."

"Go ahead. This is an old shirt anyway," he reminded her previous waterworks from when they first met during the summer and how she was worried about getting his shirt tear-stained and snotty. He gently stroked her hair.

"That feels good. I love having my hair touched and played with."

"Do you like it brushed too?" Logan reached for her brush on the nightstand.

"Mhm, but the brush hurts my scalp. I don't think your fingers will though." Logan took the hint and eased his fingers tips through her hair.

"It's getting long," he remarked as her head titled and she took a deep breath.

"Yeah. How has work been? How's home? I feel bad that I messed up the meeting you set up with your parents. I really wanted to meet them. Were they mad?"

"Not at all. I just told them you were under the weather. They understood. I told my Mom that you have Fibromyalgia like my aunt."

"What did she say?" Raina asked.

"Honestly?" Logan squirmed a bit uncomfortable. He didn't know if he should tell Raina what his mother had said. It wasn't all that positive, but he wanted to be honest with her.

"She asked me if I knew what I was getting myself into. You see my aunt is very helpless when it comes to her health and is her own worst enemy. My Mom has been dealing with it with her for a long time now. It wears on my Mom. But she has other problems besides that like rheumatoid arthritis and things like that."

"Oh," Raina's crest-fallen expression had Logan rushing on.

"I told her that you aren't like that and just because her sister is that way, doesn't mean that everyone who has that condition is the same way. I told her that I love you and want to be there for you. I told her it's my decision, but I also thanked her for her concern."

"She's right," Raina said. "You'll see. I wouldn't blame you if you left right now. I'm used to it."

"Now, would I have bought you a teddybear and driven two hours to come see you if I was going to turn the other way?"

"I suppose not. But your Mom's right. I'm pretty helpless right now."

"But you aren't always, are you?" Logan wanted to know. "Listen, I can handle more than you can imagine."

"I don't know. Sometimes, I guess. Not always. I try not to be. It's hard." Raina closed her eyes. Logan kissed her forehead.

"You should get some sleepy, baby." He watched her yawn.

"Will you help me sleep?" Her eyes slit open.

"Sure, how?"

"Keep petting my hair." Logan watched Raina turn on her side towards the wall. He stroked her hair and gently kissed her shoulder. When her breathing evened out, he carefully got off the bed, tucked the covers in, put the bear next to her, and walked out, quietly shutting the door.

***

"You're the first one she hasn't kicked out of her room after five minutes," Raina's Mom's voice said from the hallway. Logan walked away from the door and followed her Mom into the kitchen. Jennifer looked almost as exhausted as her daughter.

"How much longer does she have to be off her medications?" He asked.

"She has a doctor's appointment next week. It's frustrating because we both know that it was her newest medication that caused the issue. The doctor doesn't want to take any chances and wanted to start with a clean slate I guess. She isn't normally this bad, or hasn't been this bad since high school. She's just going through a rough patch. No one can fault you if you decide you can't handle all of this, Logan. But I do appreciate you trying. Raina can use someone at her side." Jennifer yawned and set about brewing a fresh pot of coffee.

"Coffee?"

"Sure. Thanks."

Logan felt uncomfortable. He'd never seen Raina's Mom anything but positive and upbeat and her defeated attitude didn't sit well with him. But then again he'd only known her for a few months. "Well, I'm here for her."

"Did she let you hold her?" Jennifer handed him a mug of coffee and pushed the cream and sugar over to him. He sat down on the tall chair.

"No, but she asked me to play with her hair." Logan saw her Mom sigh. She didn't need to know that he was in bed with her.

"Her hair, that used to be my job," she sighed again. "I wish I could comfort my little girl. Do you know how difficult it is to not be able to kiss her booboo like when she was little and make the pain go away? To watch her suffer like that, knowing this will be her lot in life? Raina used to tell me that before they found out what was wrong with her that she sometimes would rather have heard a more definitive diagnosis. Even one that was really bad, something that doctors had a clue about, because at least then they could treat her properly. Instead, all the nights of worrying and wanting an answer, the answer she gets is just as elusive as the illness." Jennifer pinched the bridge of her nose and then drained her mug. "I'm sorry for unloading on you."

"No, no it's okay. I don't mind. I want to know about Raina's experiences."

"You're different than most kids your age, most boys for that matter. Hell, add men into the mix." Jennifer looked at him in a different light. "Logan, if you ever feel like sharing what has caused such sorrow in your eyes one day, I'm here to listen." Jennifer patted his shoulder.

"Thanks. I keep telling Raina that. I'm not sure if she'll ever believe me." Logan gave her Mom a crooked smile. "What makes you think I have sorrow?"

"Raina will come around. It's a past sorrow. I sense things Logan." Jennifer replied gently, stepping out of his space.

"Have you slept with my daughter yet?" She changed the topic and pin-pointed him with her stare.

Logan gulped back a breath, "Um. I'm not sure I should be discussing that with you. I'm not sure Raina would want me to. Um...I uh have to go now. Thanks for letting me see her." Logan blushed and rushed to the door. But she stopped him.

"Relax," Jennifer laughed. "Sorry for putting you on the spot. I hope you were careful with her and used protection, if you did." She winked. "She's a big girl and we've given her all the tools she needs to make important decisions regarding her body and her life."

"Yeah, uh-uh okay, so tell Raina I'll call her t-tomorrow." Logan stammered. "Thanks."

"Drive safely, Logan." Jennifer smirked as he flew out the door.

***

"Why'd you let him in?" Raina asked her Mom when she came into her room. She opened the blinds to let some sunlight in.

Raina winced. "Mom, please keep them shut. My head is killing me."

"It's so dreary in here, honey. I'll close the blinds after I open the window to let some fresh air in. It'll do you some good." Her Mom quickly unlocked the windows and shoved them up. A cool breeze drifted in.

"Isn't it strange how a century ago they would have sealed up every crevice in a sick person's room?" Raina asked her Mom as she closed the blinds.

"Stranger that they would have probably bled you to release the demons and disease."

"Eww, that's right. Thank God we don't live back then!" Raina said vehemently.

"I agree. So, did you have a nice chat with Logan?" Raina could tell her Mom was curious. "Are you still seeing things?"

"I asked you not to let anyone in." She frowned. "You mean hallucinating? No, nothing right now."

"I know, but he was really worried about you. I weakened when I saw the teddybear and flowers." Her Mom confessed with a soft smile. "You let me or Dad know if you see anything again so we can report back to the doctor."

"Okay. Flowers?" Raina's interest was piqued. "Were they roses?" She wrinkled her nose up. She disliked roses.

"He left a bouquet of wildflowers on the table for you. Would you like me to bring them in? There's a note attached."

"Wildflowers? How would he know they're my favorite?" And right on cue her answer walked into the room as her Mom walked out. Her Mom came back in carrying the beautiful bouquet of wildflowers. There were plum, mulberry, gold, and orange hues.

"Oh, they're beautiful!" Coral squealed. "The perfect colors too. He did good." She smiled brightly at her sister and sat gently on the bed.

"You told Logan I like wildflowers?" Raina questioned, taken aback. Their Mom left the room to let her daughters talk together.

"He texted me last night to ask me what kind of flowers you like. I told him anything but roses, but let him know you are a nature girl. He picked up on the wildflower hint, himself." Coral flipped open her phone and started typing.

"How did Logan get your cell phone number?"

"One sec. I'm texting him to tell him he did good." Coral typed fast. "I guess Mark or Ryan gave it to him. They both have it."

"Thanks for the telling Logan about the flowers. It was sweet of you to think about that."

"No problem. I have to go call Ryan. They're coming out tomorrow. We're planning on doing some Fall fun things. Maybe go apple picking. Oh! We're going on a haunted ghost tour. Dad's coming with us. Did you know Dad used to be a ghost investigator? Way cool!" Coral chattered on animatedly without waiting for an answer from Raina.

"All I want to do is go apple picking," Raina sighed. "That's our thing, Coral. Will you pick me some baking apples? My mouth has been watering for an apple pie. Maybe if I'm feeling up to it, we can make a pie together."

"Sure. Well, we might not have time to go apple picking with this ghost tour. Anyway, you know what? I think I'm beginning to like nerds better than hotties." Coral chuckled.

"If you start liking Ryan, won't that cause problems with Mark? Aren't they best friends?" Raina questioned.

"Who said I like just Ryan?" Coral winked.

"Coral," Raina's tone took on the big-sister tone that sixteen-year-old Coral hated so much.

"Chill out. I'm just sayin'!"

Raina rolled her eyes. "I hate that phrase with a passion."

"Why? It's a great phrase," Coral pouted.

"No. I'd rather a person say what they mean and not sugar coat things or make something sound like less than it is."

"Okay, well on that note, I'm gonna go."

***

"Mom!" The scream of fear from her daughter ripped Jennifer from her pleasant dreams. She nudged her sleeping husband and then rushed down the hall, crashing into her daughter's room. Raina was soaked to the bone with sweat and had a look of terror on her face.

"Raina, what is it?"

"It's happening again," Raina cried, her eyes fixed to the wall opposite her bed.

"What's happening? The hallucinations?"

"Yes."

"Spiders again?" Steven asked, coming to stand beside his wife.

"No, a girl. I had a horrible nightmare. There was this god awful noise, a roar, shattering glass and then this agony and fear as I saw the tree rushing toward me. I couldn't scream. I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything. All I could think about was my brother and my parents and my friends. What is happening to me?" She pleaded for answers.

"That at least answers your question, Jennifer." Steven said quietly. "Do you want to handle this or should I?" His wife was obviously shaken up about this new development in Raina's condition.

"She needs her sleep. I'll calm her down. This isn't the time, Steven."

"When's the right time, Jenna?" Steven was frustrated.

"Soon, but not yet. She's still very weak." They whispered in hushed tones.

"What? Someone please clue me in." Raina shouted.