Job's Trials

Mary stood still, shocked by my words for a moment before she gathered herself to speak. "Job, it was not what it looked like..."

While she was speaking I opened one of the attachments on an email and held the phone up to Mary with the clip playing at full volume. The screen was facing Mary so I could not see the video, but the audio was clear enough with Chef HP Charles booming voice "That's it slut, moan for me! You like it hard up the ass bitch. Tell me what you want or I'll skip the olive oil and fuck your tight ass dry."

Mary snatched the phone out of my hand just as you could hear her on screen voice come over the speaker. "Give it to ME! FUCK MY ASS! Cum up my butt, you know I need it! Ahhhhh.."

Mary tried in vain to shut off the video as the pornographic audio kept going. Finally in frustration she pulled the battery out of the phone and threw both the phone and battery at me.

"That is disgusting!" she cried putting her hands over her ears. "Please delete that awful scene immediately."

"Really?" I asked putting my phone back together. "Does not look like you felt that way at the time. Besides I couldn't delete it even if I wanted to. That was a link to a website. My Spainish is pretty poor but it looks like blond-cook-gringo-ass-sluts.com, and your viewing hits seem to be piling up by all the emails I am getting."

Mary dropped into the chair next to and grabbed my arm. "Job, please listen to me. What I am about to say is the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Everything just spiraled out of control, but I did it for us."

"No shit?" I said dryly removing her hand from my arm. "Because I don't ever recall ever getting to screw your behind. In fact you were quite insistent the back door was a firm NO GO zone in all respects."

She took a breath to control herself. "It was never meant to happen. What is done is done, no use crying over spilt milk.."

"Or busted cherries." I added.

Job, please you must let me put the whole story out."

"Looks to me like you already 'put out', so why bother with some sad tall tale?"

Mary ignored my comment and kept talking. "It started when I had to drive Chef HP Charles when his car was in the shop."

"Damn Mary, I would think ole Charley getting to fuck your ass makes you intimate enough that he could at least let you call him 'H'."

She looked away, but did not stop speaking. "He had me drive him to a fertility clinic. The asswipe was getting paid for his semen."

"Wow, really? That means I have been letting a fortune slip through my fingers all these years."

Mary took a deep breath. "Celebrities get a pretty good rate for their...samples." I started to get up but Mary put her hands on my thighs. "Job, stay this is where it got crazy and stupid."

"So Mary, the butt fuck in the truck was the wise and intelligent part?"

"HP thought that it was unfair he did all the work and the clinic was getting all the money. So he set up his own web site and started...um selling directly to the consumer."

"You were what? His hands on assistant? His on your hands and knees assistant? "

"NO! Not at first. I just kept the books and payment straight for a cut. I so wanted to go to that cooking school in France, but I never wanted to use your money. This was a quick way for some extra income. It was all so harmless."

She looked down at her hands. "Then HP stared to have..um difficulty. I a..um.. helped him out..all it took was a peek of my breasts or a flash of my crotch to get him back to action."

"Mary, please stop I am going to hurl."

"Job, I swear to God it is true! I so wanted the school and what was a little flash here or there. No harm no foul. Plus I insisted on a bigger cut."

I shook my head. "This is possibly the WORST bedtime story ever."

"I should have stopped when HP needed more..stimulation. But in for a penny, in for a pound, I just convinced myself the hand jobs were no more erotic than rubbing a chicken leg. I felt nothing, but then.."

"Wait." I held up my hand. "I wanna finish this fairy tale. Let me guess, ole Charley talked you into a blow job. But you did not swallow and it accidently ended up all over your face."

Mary was staring at me like I had magical powers.

"Then a few days later ole Charley or Chef HP Charles, as you like to call him, showed you a video of the blow job and him cumming all over your face. I bet during the event there were even enthusiastic words of encouragement on both your parts."

Mary was gasping like a fish out of water. "It was all talk Job. Just talk so he would get off faster."

I held up a finger. "Then comes the big 'B' as in blackmail. Ole Charley wants more or he was going to make you an internet star and I was going to get my own private copy. That about right."

"Oh my God! How..how did you know?"

"Fuck Mary, that is the plot in about a zillion bad porno movies and half of the literotica type web site stories. Next you are going to tell me how you made a deal to get the video back and I was never going to find out."

Her face was white as she nodded her head. "It was like negotiating a really bad deal. He wanted full access for two months. I was trying to get away with a couple of blow jobs."

"You must suck as a negotiator Mary, and I mean that literally, because you definitely ended up getting the shitty end of his stick."

Mary missed my double meaning entirely as she put her head in her hands. "I had to suck that prick off four times, but I never gave him my pussy; that was and is always yours. I never agreed to any anal. But today in the truck that fuckwad reneged, he had the video loaded and was going to press 'send' to your email if I did not bend over right at that minute."

"Seriously Mary? That is the story you are going to stick with? Remember I have your boisterous encouragement from your fan clubs video."

"All talk, all talk Job, to get him to finish. I did not even know anyone was atching. I just was trying to block the whole event out of my mind," Mary looked frantic. "Can't you do something? This is going to ruin us,"

"I am doing something," I said fishing car keys out of my pocket. "I am going to work, please don't be here when I get back."

++++

Now hindsight is 20/20 and truth be told I should have stayed home, and had I known then what I know now, you can bet I would have kept my happy ass home, even if that slur err wife was still there.

But hey, there were bills to pay and as I looked at being single again, someone had to make money. Besides who else was going to deliver the pizzas? The drizzle that was developing into a downpour matched my gloomy disposition.

However, as you can guess I was distracted, because if I had not been so distracted I would have not been concentrating so hard on timing the green lights and been more aware of a semi-truck trying to make a yellow light that had long since turned red.

Screeching tires, the busting glass, the sound of twisting metal, and then as the song said "Boom Boom! Out go the Lights..."

++++

It is so cliché to say you woke up to beeping machines in a hospital, but that was just what woke me up. My throat was parched, my mouth dry as a desert. A plastic pitcher with melting ice chips and cup were on the side table. However when I tried to move, a mass of tubes in my left arm held me captive. My left hand also had a baseball mitt size cast of plaster on it. Meanwhile my right leg was suspended in some type of cable and pulley contraception.

The flush of a toilet was followed by running water and the door of a bathroom off the left side of the bed opened. Pablo emerged, a big smile popped up on his face when he saw me staring at him.

"Hello my friend!" Pablo saw me motioning at container of water and he swiftly grabbed the pitcher of water with ice chips and poured liquid into the cup, adding a straw before handing it to me.

"Job, you must drink slow." Pablo said, as he picked a corded device off my bedside and pressed a button. "I call hospital people to let them know you awake. How you feel?"

I drank all the water quickly, and coughed before handing the cup back to him. "Well Pablo I feel like I got hit by a truck." I motioned at my suspended leg. "I lose my job, lose my wife and now a broken leg. Could my life get any worse?"

Pablo got a grim look on his face. "I am sorry about your leg Job."

"Well I was never that great a dancer anyway, but then I always did dance like a white man. My other foot hurts like hell, I hope the Doc brings better pain meds..."

"Job.." Pablo interrupted and pointed to the end of my bed.

I followed Pablo's finger, under the bedsheets below my left knee where a lump should be for my calf ankle and foot there was...nothing!

I whipped off the sheets. Below my left knee, about halfway down my calf was nothing but a bandaged stump.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FOOT!!"

Pablo made calming motions toward me, as frantic beeping sounds began emitting from various monitors "Job, please calm down. I seen your truck, it looks like a smashed beer can ripped into little pieces. You a lucky man to be alive."

Just then a Doctor in a white coat walked thru the door and began touching various machines to silence their noise. "Listen to your friend. It is a miracle you are in one piece and only God knows why you didn't bleed out."

I pointed at my missing appendage. "It doesn't look like much of a FUCKING miracle to me!"

The Doctor started pressing buttons on a nearby device hooked into my left arm. "I am going to up your pain meds here, and the button by your bedside will allow you to control the flow to a limited amount. But if you do not calm down I am going to have the staff keep you sedated."

I was fuming, my anger fighting the flow of medication. "Easy for you to say Doc. You are not the cripple who is going to be gimping around to 'Hop In' jokes for the rest of your life."

Pablo had a strange look on his face as he gripped my right hand. "Job, with most respect I say to you 'Macho up', you not a 'Marica'. Many men in my village to get into this country would give both legs to be in your shoes."

"You mean my one shoe now Pablo?" I said as the painkiller numbed my brain into a comfortable cocoon.

++++

When I next opened my eyes sunlight was steaming through the curtains. It had been almost a week since that day in the room with Pablo. I had transitioned through the seven stages of grief associated with loss of a limb. I had come to terms, but was NOT a happy camper.

Hearing a sound I turned my head to see Mary standing in the doorway.

Job, can I come in?" she asked.

I still had a slight buzz as I pointed at my plaster casted leg and missing foot. "It's not like I can kick you out can I?"

Mary forced a smile to her face and walked nervously into my room, taking a seat in the only chair.

"Job, I am so sorry..."

"I've been here over a week Mary. You were so sorry this is the first time you decided to visit? Why bother at all?"

Mary fumbled with her hands. "I was just so scared, and confused..after you know.. everything and my future."

"Sorry Mary, I have been busy trying to stay alive while having body parts removed. So you do understand if your future was not my primary concern."

Mary bit her lip. " I..I..do not know what to say. I made a mistake, nothing I can do about it now, but just say I am sorry." She looked at me defiantly "Don't tell me you never made a mistake."

I tried unsuccessfully to sit up in the bed. "Oh I made a HUGE mistake some years ago when I married a women I loved who turned out to be a cheating cum dump slut."

Mary filched at my words. "Job, I can only say I am sorry, but that does not change the past. I am talking now about the future." She leaned forward to garb the bed railing. "Let's do what you said before, go to Paris! I'll enroll in the cooking school. We will make a fresh start, a complete 'Do Over', be like newlyweds. We got no future here, you know Pablo and almost the entire kitchen staff quit. We can leave as soon as you recover and get back on your feet."

"You mean 'foot' Mary?"

She blushed. "You know what I mean. We should have done this long ago, let's not delay any longer."

"All on my dime Mary? You cheat and get a free trip to Paris, plus Tuition at a world class school? Quite the reward for your adulteress actions."

"No, No Job, not your 401 K money." Mary said standing up. "We'll use proceeds from the sale of the house."

"House isn't worth shit yet. What fool is gonna pay what we own on it, plus enough to turn a profit?"

Mary clapped her hands. "Chef HP Charles said he would buy it. He is even gonna pay more then what the realtor said the house is worth.." she stopped on seeing the look on my face. "..um..ah Chef HP Charles really, really liked the renovations you did on the bathroom in master bedroom."

"Tell me Mary, how ole Charley know what the Master bedroom or its bathroom looked like."

I got my answer as her face turned beet red. "Job, it's not what you think. Nothing happened. It was nothing at all, not any sex."

I shook my head. "Mary, your definition of 'nothing' and 'it' and 'sex' bear a remarkable resemblance to the same meaning as used by the former President Bill 'I did not have sex with that women' Clinton."

"Job, you got to believe me!"

"I do not 'got to' do anything but pay taxes and die Mary, I mean T Mary II or is there another name you go by now? You seemed fond when he called you 'Bitch, Slut, Cum Dump' are these your new monikers, or is that just ole Charley's pet name for you?"

"Damn it Job! I told you the reason..."

"Save it Mary, or T Mary, or 2^nd hole Mary, or whatever you call yourself now. But just like you can call a turd a rose and it is still turd, a cheating cum dump slut is still a cheating cum dump slut no matter what the title." I held up my pain pump control. "Now if you excuse me I am going to take a couple of shots so I do not die from the pain."

Mary got that pissed off look in her face. "DAMM IT JOB! If you do not stop getting buzzed and talk to me right now! I am leaving."

The meds started to take effect. "You are God damn liar Mary. Because I am buzzed as hell and you are still here."

I think I heard Mary shout "We are DONE! I am not coming back!" as I retreated back in the opiate haze.

++++

Well Mary kept her word and I did not hear from her for several days. However I did meet her process server who gave me divorce papers. It looked like something printed off an anti-man internet website, because she asked for everything except my remaining right foot.

Even though I had been weaning myself off the pain meds, I still got a chuckle out of Mary's demands for what amounted to lifelong servitude in her divorce demands.

"Can't get blood from a turnip" I thought as I tossed the papers toward the trash can. Of course I missed the tiny trash bin and they landed at the feet of someone wearing a pair of Italian loafers.

I looked up from the shoes past the custom suit into the face of none other than Chef H. P. Charles!

"How you doing Pal?" He said walking into the room like he owned the place.

I heard the heart monitor above my bed spike as I fought to control myself. "With all due respect Charley." I saw him wince. "Please just "Piss Off' and get the fuck out of here." I grabbed the nurse call button and pressed it to summon the night nurse on duty.

Chef HP Charles just chuckled "Pretty big talk to make for a man who has to stick his dick into a bottle to pee." He said, pointing at the urine bottle clipped to my bed railing the night nurse had yet to empty.

"Unlike me," he continued "because I like to stick my dick into a warm female form. Pussy, mouth and ass, I always go for the lady trifecta."

"Apparently Charley you have a hearing problem. You have been across the pond, so I am sure you understand what 'Piss Off' means."

"Slow down Job. After all, we have a lot of common interests and share a lot together. You know, love of fine food, good wine, Mary's body...although I understand I still have you beat when it comes to her former tight virgin ass."

"Your right Charley, I revise my statement. Both you and the slut can 'piss off'."

HP Charles just laughed. "Come on Job, we are both men of the world, spend a lot of time in the kitchen trenches. You know how the ladies can't keep their aprons on. Besides your wife fucks as bad as she cooks. You should be thanking me for taking her off your hands for a while."

He sat down in the chair. "I don't know why, but if you still want her, I'll send her back a little worse for wear, but with some new tricks. Now, how about we close a deal on your house? A win-win for everyone! The dumb cunt learns to fuck and cook, so both you and she benefit, in return I'll buy the house."

He stepped up to the bed railing and pointed at my legs. "It's not like you are going to be able to run around in a house that big anymore. I'll even toss in a few grand for the crappy furniture. I'll need it until my custom made stuff gets here."

He winked at me. "I already like the king size bed you have in the master bedroom."

Now I was the one getting pissed off as I thought "Where the fuck was the night nurse!"

He had a smug look on his face. "Job, face it you got 'defeated'. Get it? Defeeted..Ha ha. But seriously you also need to call off that wetback pal of yours and his mariachi band."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I said.

"Your south of border buddy Pablo. He told your old squeeze Mary to stay out of the house. He implied how dangerous it could be for a single female alone. Fucking spic said that break ins and home invasion robberies are tragically common in even the best neighborhood. Look, I don't mind fucking her but this bunking at my place is not my style, I prefer to hump them, pump them and dump them."

I kept pressing the call button for the night nurse.

HP Charles looked back toward the door before speaking in a loud whisper. "Maybe you want to see what the kitchen stud looks like, see what Mary got in her taste test." He unzipped his fly and fished the penis out, shaking his dick around to get it hard before sticking the erect manhood through the bed railing. "Go on touch it pussyboy, you know you want to, just like that bitch slut of a cum dump you call a wife."

I stared at his junk inches from my hand. Fact is Chef HP Charles was right, I did want to touch him in the worst way.

I wrapped my right hand around his dick and he smiled.

That vanished when I pulled him as hard as I could while squeezing tight.

Charles let out a high scream that sounded like a women. Bending down he frantically tried to release my hand from his groin. Releasing the now flaccid dick, I clutched at his slick hair, slamming the head onto the bedside railing. Charles staggered as I grabbed my full urine container and poured the smelly liquid all over his head and face. For the first time I was thankful for the overworked nursing staff and their oversight in emptying my piss bottle.

Ole HP Charles stumbled away, then started to gag as he comprehend what was soaking into his expensive outfit.

"I am going to kill you, then fillet your pussy ass!" he screamed launching himself onto my bed.

In hindsight, when you are flat on your back, missing a leg, have the other leg in a cats' cradle of cables and pulleys, plus your one arm bound in a plaster cast tied down by an IV.. perhaps it is not the best combat position and you may wish to defer in provoking a fight.

Charles was choking the hell out of before I managed to sink my teeth into his forearm. As he loosened his grip, I ripped the IV needle out of my left arm and plunged the sharp spike into his hand. He yelled in pain and tumbled out of the bed.