Job's Trials

As HP Charles jumped up and started for another attack, the night nurse finally showed up.

This night nurse was my favorite caregiver, even if this particular night nurse was not exactly 'An Angel in White'. In fact my night nurse was a brawny towering bald mountain of man standing 6 foot four inches, and he resembled a power weight lifter more than Florence Nightingale. This was because he was a power weight lifter, and lest you think he got into the nursing profession for the steroids, this gentle giant had a skilled light touch that rarely had you feel a needle injection's sting.

The nurse grabbed Chef HP Charles from behind in a bear hug. As they struggled I yelled "This crazy man must be an escaped mental patient from the psych ward! Insane bastard tried to drink from my piss bottle, exposed himself and then started attacking me!"

The muscle bound nurse easily lifted the thrashing HP Charles off the ground in his grip, Then in an outstanding stroke of luck (for me), this positioned his exposed dick at just the right height and distance for me to punch ole Charley right in the groin (a lot).

Charles stopped his struggles and began vomiting all over himself as hospital staff and security flooded into my room.

+++++

It had been several months since I was released from the hospital, and although I did not think it was possible, my life had gotten steadily worse.

Pablo had stopped by to bring me some of his wife's home cooking. It was only break I got from the fast food take out and pizza deliveries that was my new diet, the boxes which were littering the kitchen.

He was sitting next to me looking at the pile of unopened bills on the kitchen table. "Job, many of these have past due and last warning on them. This will cause you much debt."

I shrugged. "Pablo what can I do? My bank account is empty due to Mary swiping everything before I got out of the hospital. She also had some legal beagle freeze access to my 401K retirement accounts until the divorce is settled. Thank God I still have my credit card. But I am gonna max that out real soon too"

I stacked the lasted bunch of bills in a pile. "Mary must have gotten someone to foot the legal bills, because we had no real savings to speak of."

Pablo picked up the latest threating letter from Marys' lawyer. "You think that punta Mary's get money from Chef?"

I grinned before answering "Pretty sure. I bet ole Chef Charley is still pissed at me because the hospital sedated him during our little tumble and kept him on a 48 hour psych hold." Laughing I continued. "The fact I hid his wallet and cell phone when they fell into my bed during our wrestling match made his getting out of the mental ward ..um..difficult. Thank God there were not any cameras around. The ADA called it a 'big misunderstanding', but there were no charges at all."

Pablo smiled also. "Yes, thank you for that. I shared the wallet with some of the less fortunate in my community."

Pablo shook his head "I could not believe Chef Charley so loco to write his password on the ATM card. His phone allow many to talk to family far away they had not spoken with in long time."

I pointed at another pile of paper. "However, I am certainly getting paid back in spades now. See that mountain of documents? That is all subpoenas, legal letters, demands for verifications, hearing dates, blah, blah, blah. I think there is bench warrant out for me now because I just ignore all that stuff."

Pablo got a look of fear on his face. Like most immigrants he had a fear of any government agencies, his only experience being the corrupt civil authority of his country.

"Job, you no fear police when you go to hospital to learn to walk?"

I laughed. "What, you mean Rehab? No good Pablo. Seems Mary kicked me off the insurance at our old pace of work. Technically I should still be covered as the accident happened before we split. But Insurance companies are worse than any corrupt government, they hide behind walls of rules and regulations, backed by armies of lawyers determined to keep you jumping through hoops and claims until you die or give up."

I shifted in my seat. "The one time I got to the rehab center was a joke. Broken equipment with one ancient 'therapist' who did nothing but hit on every female under age of 65, or kept trying to buy everyone's pain meds."

I pulled a bottle of pills and bag of weed out of my pocket. "I traded him my Oxy for some grass and money."

Pablo scowled. "Drugs no good."

I shrugged. "Only way I can buy food when your wife doesn't take pity on me. Besides how else am I going afford this lap of luxury?"

We both looked around the unfinished house, lit by candles and lanterns since the electric was shut off.

Putting the pills in my pocket, I started to roll a joint. "They say it is phantom pain. Phantom my ass! It hurts like hell and I do not intend to become some pillbilly addict. Weed eases the pain and does not clog you up like the damn opiates. It's not like I go out on the town dancing"

Pablo stood up. "I must leave now, but Job, why don't you come stay with me? My family take care of you."

I felt touched, Pablo was barely getting by. Yet even with his family crammed into a tiny room he always tried to get me to move in.

"No thanks Pablo. You know the minute I leave this house Mary will come in and claim it."

Pablo shook his head. "No way. Mary think if she comes near here, big bad Latin friends of Pablo will pay her nasty visit."

Now I laughed. "Where did Mary get that idea?"

Pablo put an innocent look on his face and started talking in a broken English peasant voice. "I no know senor. I just poor gardener, happy to get your old clothes to give to my many ninos for Cinco de Mayo."

Shaking my head I reached out to shake Pablo hand. "Can you wheel me to the back porch before you leave?"

The Insurance company games had prevented me for even being fitted for a prosthesis. While I could hop and crawl around the house, it was tiring. Pablo had found me an old wheelchair and while I am not complaining, this relic looked to be made out of pig iron and as heavy.

Pablo got behind me and grunted as he started to push. "You sure you want to go outside? It is cold as a politician heart out there."

"Pablo, you grew up in the damn tropics, you put a coat on when there is a stiff breeze. Me? I was born here. I don't even wear socks until snowfall."

He rubbed my hair as we rolled across the floor. "Well you have the wild hair of a Mountain Man. Next time I bring my wife and she bring her scissors and razor. Make you all pretty for Latina ladies."

Pablo did have a point, I had not had a haircut in months and it was a tangled mess. I no longer bothered shaving, so I had a beard ZZ Top would be proud of.

"Pablo tell your wife to cool off her matchmaking jets. I don't think a broke ass, one legged man with no job has a lot to offer."

"You wrong Job, you have a green card to offer, lots of candidates."

I shook my head. "Great, the one thing your ladies want is something I won in a lucky sperm contest."

Pablo patted me on the shoulder. "True, the green card is better than big dick or big wallet, but Latinas hiding here be poisoning their sisters for a chance at both a green card AND a good man like you."

I leaned forward to unlock the sliding glass door that led to the porch. These double paned almost bullet proof monsters were standard on all the neighborhood cookie cutter McManisons, and heavy as a vault door.

"Well my marriage for love went to hell Pablo. Can a marriage for green card be any worse?"

Pablo waved his hand as we entered the porch. "Love? Love, like lust don't last. Now respect, devotion for each other and deference to make it work. THAT lasts, and be around after your lust and puppy love go bye bye."

++++

Sitting on the back porch smoking a joint, I realized Pablo was right. It was colder than my old wife, Marys' heart and my wardrobe of sweat pants, shirt and old sweater was not going to cut it.

February was the most cruel month in the state, the temperature dropped well below freezing most of the time and the sky was a constant gray, the ground a constant gray, and even the people were gray. If not for the occasional freezing rain, you could not tell one day from the next.

As I looked across the vast muddy patch that was my backyard I tried to think of what the future held for me. Not a lot of choice. Even the best options were as bleak as this gloomy February day.

My thoughts were broken by the happy squeal of a child. I saw through the fence slats on the rear of my backyard a small boy in a bright red hoodie, playing chase with a small barking dog.

"What I would not give to be that happy again," I thought as a buzz from the weed started to mellow me out. "Maybe it was better to join Mom and Dad up at the pearly gates."

I was shaken out of my morose thoughts by the barking dog. This was not playful yips, but frantic barks.

Looking through the fence I could not see the preschool boy anywhere. Lazily, I rose as high as I could out of my wheelchair seat, scanning for a sign of him. Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of red as a tiny hand broke the surface of their open Jacuzzi.

The mellow stoner buzz I was enjoying instantly disappeared.

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! The kid is drowning in the God Damn JACUZZI!" my mind screamed.

I pulled out my cheap prepaid cell phone and punched in 911. As soon as the operator came on the line I did not wait for her to start talking. "I got a drowning child at 2312 Nova Drive! Send an ambulance! The child is in a Jacuzzi at 2312 Nova Drive."

"Stay on the line sir, I am sending fire rescue now. I need some more information from you. What is your name?"

I looked at the phone stunned. "What, you want a date?" I said before shoving the cell into a pocket as I wheeled my chair off the porch.

I really had not thought this out too well. When the right wheel hit the edge of the cement, the whole chair toppled over, sending me sprawling into mud, thick as the muck of a WWI trench.

"Fuck!" I shouted pulling my face out of the semi frozen sludge. The cast on my right leg did not allow me to crawl that well, and the other shorter leg was not much better. The cheap cell in my pocket was shattered into a mass of plastic pieces.

I rolled, and elbow crawled as fast as I could, the mire filling my cast, all the while only one thought ran through my brain "Get to that damn kid!"

After what seemed like forever I was at the dividing wooden fence. There was no way I could reach the top to climb over, so I punched the planks with all my might.

My efforts were proving futile until I heard a sickening "CRACK". I was unsure if this was the breaking of bones in my numbed hand or the fence, but I saw a split in the wood.

I pried the board off, ignoring the splinters and created a hole just barely big enough to crawl through.

Wriggling through the fence I saw the small dog still barking furiously while running around the Jacuzzi. There was no sign of the child as I fast elbow crawled to the tub and lifted myself over the lip.

The small boy was motionless in the bottom of the water, his hoodie drawstring caught on the drain and holding him under the water. I plunged my upper body into the tub yanking the child out and ripping him out of his hooded sweatshirt. I laid the kid on the ground leaving his bright red garment still half in the water.

Positioning the boy for CPR, I silently took back all the curses I had rained down on my late father for making me spend 4 of my high school summers sweating in the hot sun as a minimum wage child pool lifeguard instead of the cool job at the pretzel stall in the mall with my friends.

Muscle memory came flooding back as I automatically went thru the ABCs (Airway, breathing, circulation) of CPR. The Bee Gees classic disco song 'Staying Alive', ancient even back then, and how we learned to time compression, began playing full volume in my head.

Using the lighter touch needed for a child, I started CPR. After what seemed like forever, my efforts at resuscitation were rewarded when he started spiting up water. I turned him into the proper position when something slammed into my side.

I felt a rib crack as I fell across the boy, and moaned in pain trying not land on the youth. Someone jumped on my back and long fingernails raked across my face, as sharp teeth sunk into my neck and a crazy female voice started screaming in my ear.

"GET OFF MY SON YOU PERVERT! I WILL KILL YOU! YOU FUCKING CHILD MOLESTER!"

I grabbed this irrational lady by the hair and flung her against the side of the Jacuzzi. She jumped right back up in an instant with teeth bared. This wild women was in full on 'Momma Bear protect cub' mode.

"STOP!" I yelled, putting out my hand. "Your son fell into the Jacuzzi! He was drowning, I am trying to save his life!"

Her eyes narrowed as she took in my one leg and long haired mud caked bearded appearance. Then she looked over at the boys soaking wet hoodie, hanging half in the tub, the drawstring still tangled in the drain.

Her demeanor changed in a flash. She ran to me dropping to her knees by her son. He was coughing but still not out of the woods.

She grabbed my shoulders, a different kind of wild look in her eyes. It was panic. "DON"T LET HIM DIE! YOU MUST SAVE HIM! I WILL DO ANYTHING!"

Sirens could be heard in the background. I pointed at the street. "That's the cavalry! GO NOW! Direct the Fire Rescue here as fast as you can. QUICK! Every second counts."

She got up stumbling as she tried to run fast. I turned my attention back to the boy. His breathing was shallow, but with the cold he was bound to go onto shock. I whipped off my mud caked sweater, then peeled off my shirt. Wrapping the driest part around him, I held the small boy close trying to transfer my body warmth and rubbing his extremities to get circulation back.

A gate in the fence opened as two paramedics bolted toward me, followed by the mother and a Police Officer.

The older of the paramedics, a grayer haired veteran of such situations, assessed the circumstances in a heartbeat. Swiftly whipping off his jacket, he spoke to his partner and into the radio without even turning around. "We got a 10-32."

I pushed the boy into his arms and he enveloped the small child in his heavy jacket. I wiped mud off my brow before speaking. "He was under about 3 minutes, unresponsive. CPR brought him back but pulse is weak. He is heading into shock."

The older paramedic nodded, turning at run toward the police officer. "Code 3, lets' move"

The Officer grabbed the frantic mothers arm. "Ride with me, we'll escort them to Saint Joseph off Cupertino Street,"

The group sprinted through the gate, as it slammed shut I realized it was now just me and the little dog in the freezing cold.

My adrenaline waned as I sat up on the concrete slab that held the Jacuzzi. I was mud covered head to toe, shirtless in freezing weather, my hair and beard wet. With no one around to help and nowhere to get out of the outdoor elements, a single thought rushed through my brain as the cruel wind swirled around me.

"I am so fucked."

+++++

I took stock of my situation.

Only one logical conclusion could be reached.

"Yeah, I am truly fucked."

The little dog was running in circles around me, glad to have a new friend. I picked up the mutt, holding him tight, trying get some warmth or even block the stiff breeze that was picking up. The pup began licking my chin.

I raised my face to the gray clouds above and shouted at the heavens. "You think this is funny God? Good joke leaving me here to die of hypothermia. "

Either in answer or coincidence, a chill rain began to fall.

I hugged my canine companion closer and whispered in his ear. "I don't know about you, but God is being a real asshole to me these days."

The dog jumped out of my arms and ran to the small hole in the fence. Old Fido looked back at me barking and waging his tail.

I looked at the house of the drowning boy I had saved. The same model as my McMansion, I knew the rear sliding glass door would take a sledgehammer to break through. I could crawl out the backyard gate, but then what? I would be stuck on the street at the end of quiet Cul-de-sac, hoping someone came by and noticed a freezing mud man.

The little dog was spinning in circles, barking and pawing at the hole in the fence. As the freezing rain picked up, I willed my numbed arms to start pulling me back alongthe cold ground as I retraced the path to my house.

++++

Dante was right, the 3^rd circle of hell is freezing, with cold dirty rain, maledict and heavy as you are stuck in stinking mud.

On the bright side I now know how long eternity is.

Eternity is the amount of time it takes to crawl in freezing mud with rain pouring down, from the neighbor Jacuzzi to my downstairs bathtub.

I thanked the previous owner for installing natural gas appliances, including the hot water tank. Lucky for me the Water Company and Gas Company were more forgiving then the electric company when it comes to delinquent payment of bills.

After crawling into the bathtub, I turned the water selector handle fully counterclockwise to 'hot' as the water spewed out. A million painful needles stabbed me in agony as numb limbs warmed up.

Pulling the bottle of pain pills out of a filthy wet pocket, I pried off the top and swallowed a big handful dry.

Another eternity passed as the water turned warm then cooler and pain began to fade away.

++++

Again the damn beeping of medical machines woke me up.

Damn hospital! You'd think after all these years they could get the medical devices to beep a different tune, like the slot machines in Vegas.

"Welcome back," the man mountain of nurse called out cheerily as he opened the curtains. "Just could not stay away from me could you?" he continued silencing a noisy monitor.

I blinked at the sunlight. "Well, I might as well try the other team. Women suck."

His arm muscles rippled as he lifted me up as easily as a doll while changing the bedsheet. "Now Mister Job, women do not suck," he laughed. "And that is a lot of the problem with hetro couples."

I looked down at my right leg in a new cast, suspended in the familiar pulley/cable contraption. Another cast was on my left hand with an IV drip.

"It is deja vu all over again" I said sweeping my hand across the bed.

The powerlifter did not look up from a chart as he answered. "Except add in pneumonia, an opiate OD, one broke rib and 3 fractured ribs, facial lacerations, bites that turned sceptic and assorted cuts, bruises and contusions. Let's not forget hypothermia. You are lucky you did not lose any toes. Doc was upset he had to put on another cast on that leg. You know you were supposed to keep that leg cast from getting wet."

"Sorry, I 'll do better this time." I said dryly. "Do I get a discount for multiple entry?"

"This place does not have a Frequent Flyer program, and no medical points, or 2 for 1 sales."

Just then a well-dressed older man using a cane ambled into the room. He was followed by a tall short-haired young female in a suit.

My nurse moved in front of the couple. "Sorry sir, no visitors are allowed.."

A hospital administrator appeared behind the couple. "It is OK, this Mister Boone Tallen."

The nurse got a strange look on his face. "We have a wing at the hospital called the Tallen"

"What a coincidence." Said the old man in a southern accent. "I donated the money for a wing to this hospital."

The administrator added. "Mister Tallen is also on the Board of Directors."