Johnny Lettuce

"What a shame, how about I shut my eyes?"

"Can I trust you?"

"No, probably not, oh well, it was good whilst it lasted, I'll pop off now."

I stood, kissed each and walked. As I reached the door, I heard a whisper, then giggles, I stopped.

"Dad, how's the old family jewels, Cynth says she'd like a little quid pro quo, you've seen ours, now show us yours."

I walked back to the bed, unwrapped the robe and pulled it open.

They whistled and I grew, they laughed and I grinned. Finally I closed up and walked away.

"Bloody hell, if he's built like that what's Cromwell like?"

"Cynth?"

"What? What?"

I left them to it. Breakfast was calling.

Breakfast was a chaotic affair, held in the kitchen at an enormous oblong wooden farmhouse table, with about two dozen chairs round it. Rosa was there munching cereal and explaining she was off to College, supposedly for a lecture, but really to meet up with her boyfriend Rick, who's dad was a millionaire, but who was as normal as you or I. I looked at this obviously pampered, Jewish Princess and giggled. Her look would have pierced steel, I looked round at the girls who were grinning at me. Eventually fully fueled we decided to go to Cynthia's place, extract clothes and jewelry if we could and take it from there.

The Police were polite and referred back to our old friends Ardly and Robinson. They were on site and said come up as they had a few more questions. Up at the house although the corpse was gone the marks, blood etc, with forensic markers were still there. Luckily there was another room, where guests were taken on arrival. Cynthia sat in a chair, Shelly holding her hand. She answered the questions as best she could. The detectives, writing down the answers which then spawned new questions. Finally the open safe was brought up. Cynthia and Shelly didn't deny opening it but said it was empty, except for a couple of hundred pounds which they took.

Satisfied the detectives then asked if they had any knowledge of any other hidden safes, Cynthia rolled off six other sites in the house, then went to a bureau and produced keys for them. The detectives were over the moon. Cynthia asked if she could remove her clothes and jewelry and personal items. Robinson was happy to do this if she was prepared to let a female DC do an inventory of the items. Cynth said that was perfectly OK. DC Anita Symes was wheeled in, shook hands and we began. I was asked to get the cases from the storage room, on the ground floor opposite the kitchen.

Running downstairs I avoided a couple of cops prodding at a pillar in the hall, checking for hidden spaces. In the storage room I found two large pink cases, these would do, well for a start anyway. I ambled back upstairs and followed the musical sounds of fun and laughter to a room which was so utterly girly I winced. Cynthia had been indulged to excess. Inside even the DC was down to her underwear as dresses, trouser suits, skirts and blouses were traded between them. I grinned and put the bags down. Shelly waved and held up a Stella McCartney original. I flicked my thumb up and whistled, she blew a kiss.

Cynth was trying to get the DC to try a D & G frock on, the poor girl obviously flustered by the sheer cost of the item and my presence. Her serviceable underwear was chain store standard against the up market clothing of the girls. They decided that was easily solvable, next minute the poor girl was stark naked as they removed her bra and knickers, I laughed and faced the door. Then as the ooohs and aahs started turned to see her dressed elegantly in the vivid red creation, diaphaenous and floaty, her hands held the dress as she swayed and sashayed around. I clapped and whistled.

Dave Ardly stuck his head in and stood gawking at his colleague's transformation, his phone came out and he filmed her for about thirty seconds, then he called Robinson in. Neil Robinson's eyes were on stalks, he stood transfixed. The three girls, linked arms and walked seductively towards the two detectives, who flushed and flustered, backed out of the door. I sat on the chair and clapped again. They grinned and hugged each other. All in all it seems they had to try everything and so finally after about three hours clothes were packed and listed. Jewelry, and other items took about another two hours, and again were tried, twisted, swapped and presented for discussion.

At four pm we loaded the bags and boxes into my car and sat wondering where to go. My crash pad was out and I didn't want to presume on Cromwell again. I knew he and Lilith would leap at the idea, but we'd imposed enough already. We could try my ex's place, which she nominally shared with Shelly. We had to go there anyway, as Shelly needed to get more clothes. We arrived at my old house, given to Sandra, my ex, as part of the settlement. I felt a twinge of remorse, Sandra hadn't deserved to marry the arse I had been. She was better off without me, even so, I felt a little nervous standing with them on my old doorstep.

Shelly let us in and called out to Sandra. The hallway looked neat and bright, Sandra had an artistic talent and it showed. We walked into the lounge and there she was. She looked really good, better than I thought she had the last time I'd seen her, in court. Her hair, makeup and clothing were perfect. I nodded,

"Hello Sandra, sorry to crash in on you like this, bit of a flap going on."

"No, it's fine, you look well, perhaps a bit 'Plump' but well."

"Plump, do I , well I don't get enough exercise, so it's going to have to go somewhere."

"He's cuddly mum, trust me."

Shelly winked and then hugged Sandra. Cynthia was obviously a fixture as she had disappeared into the kitchen and I could hear her making us all a hot drink. I went to shake Sandra's hand but was surprised when she slipped between my arms and hugged me tight. I wrapped my arms round her and it seemed the most natural thing in the world. Her head rested on my shoulder and I kissed her hair. God she felt and smelt good. We held ourselves together for a bit too long and separated with blushes and stammered apologies for presuming too much. Our denials were then reduced to helpless laughter and we held hands until Cynth arrived with the ubiquitous tray of drinks. She put it down and hugged Sandra.

We settled on the furniture and the girls brought Sandra up to date. She had been pretty worried until Shelly's call last night and was pleased we were all in one piece. I just sat and looked at Sandra, what the hell had possessed me to walk away from her. The rows and shouting matches were petty mean affairs. Lack of money, lack of commitment, my drinking, it all came back. I realised they were all looking at me, staring at Sandra.

"Sorry, I.. Look I.. Sandra can I say you look absolutely stunning. I need to say this, I'm sorry for what I put you through, I was a complete arse, it was all my fault, please forgive me."

I shrugged my shoulders, Shelly wept silent tears, Cynthia held her round the shoulders. Sandra looked at me and smiled.

"Thank you, that's all I ever wanted to hear you say, you've grown up a lot Johnny. There's nothing to forgive."

She knelt in front of me, put her hands on my knees and leaning in kissed me gently on the lips. I felt the tears, hot and stinging, falling down my cheeks. She took my face in her hands and wiped the tears away with gentle movements of her thumbs. Then she kissed me again. This time I lost it entirely and for fifteen or twenty minutes sobbed uncontrollably, shoulders heaving, my hands grabbing her, pulling her to me and holding her, holding that warm, fragile beautiful woman against me, feeling her breath on my neck, her lips on my skin.

The last fifteen years had taught me a lot, I had laid out my failings and prodded and poked at my shameful stupidity, I had been vain, venal and arrogant. I knew every one of my faults, I had wallowed in self pity and drowned in false bluster. I was a shell, I was nothing, against this woman who had carried on, built a life for our daughter, placed herself last and carried no animosity towards me. I held her tight and cried from my heart.

After I had calmed down, we had agreed to stay. The girls in the main bedroom, Sandra in Shelly's room and me on the couch in the lounge. Sandra bought down pillows, a sheet and a duvet. I plumped up the pillows, doubled up the sheet and draped the duvet over it. We'd got a takeaway and sat drinking for a while. Then bedtime. After everyone went I stripped off and climbed into bed. I lay thinking about the last few days, certainly the most interesting time of my life so far. I heard the door click and Sandra came in. She had her robe on, white full length and wrapped snuggly round her.

"Hi,"

"Hi, came to make sure you're okay,"

"Thanks, this is really good of you, especially.."

"Shhh, don't say anything, just..."

She knelt and kissed me, I ran my arms round her and pulled her close. We kissed with a passion I hadn't felt since I can't remember when. She pulled closer, her robe was undone, my hands on her small firm breasts. She had her hands on my chest, teasing my nipples. I was pulling her onto me, she was rising up pushing the duvet and sheet away. Her hands were on me, stroking me, I felt her firm buttocks as she lay on top of me. We kissed and licked and bit each other, she lifted up and reached for me. We coupled and it was unbelievably perfect. We moved, developing a rhythm, clung to each other, kissed, and licked and explored and suddenly we both reached an almost incandescent climax, we screamed and moaned and kissed and moved together.

Neither of us heard the thumps upstairs or the crash of feet on the stairs. All we knew was the door flew open and the light came on. We were caught conjoined at the groin, sweaty, slippery, panting, grinning. Sandra lay flat on me and I wrapped my arms round her.

"We thought you'd been attacked, we thought they'd found us, Mum.. Dad have you been..?"

"Oh My God Shelly your Mum and Dad just fucked on the couch."

"Hi girls, could you give a couple of minutes," I managed with a grin. I could feel Sandra's breath on my neck, I knew she was laughing.

"We'll make some tea, or coffee, Mum?, Dad?"

"Tea please honey," I felt her breath as she said the words.

I started to laugh, she joined me, it felt good, we were still joined. I heard the girls laughing.

We attempted to sit up, and tried to separate , I withdrew slowly, jolting at the electric shocks in my loins as we parted, we winced and grinned. I reached down to my bag and pulled out a t shirt and a pair of pants, Sandra pulled her discarded robe on. We straightened the bed covers and sat knees together side by side, grinning like two seven year olds caught by their parents.

They came back in with the tray of drinks and we sat quietly sipping, I put my arm round her shoulder, she snuggled in. Shelly sat with Cynth on her lap, they stared at us.

"Sorry," I said,

"I'm not," Sandra said and kissed my cheek.

"I can't believe after all this time, after all the fights you had, that you two would.. you know, would.."

"Well we did, and I for one am grateful for that, the single most beautiful astonishing act of lovemaking I have had since before our divorce. No one, ever, ever came near your mother, she was and is perfect. I've had fifteen years to realise that."

"Me too, it's just not the same, there's just something, I can't describe it. Your father is just the most perfect lover. I didn't need too many failed attempts with others to realise that."

"You've had other lovers?"

"Haven't you?"

"Yes, there's always something missing though."

"Yes, you and me."

"Yes that would be it, they weren't you."

We finished up and I went upstairs with Sandra. We slept together in Shelly's room, the fact that the bed is not quite a full size double, didn't trouble us. We were wrapped up together, dropping off swiftly and waking to the sound of the clock-radio and a driveling early morning presenter, which we quickly switched off. We lay in each others arms and just gazed into each others eyes. We heard the girls in the bathroom, so stayed put. Letting them wash and dress, before venturing out.

Downstairs breakfast was being readied and we soon tucked in to cereals, hot buttered toast and preserves. We talked and ate, but knew we had work to do, so we cleared away. As I finished loading the dishwasher, the part of breakfast I did best, my phone rang. Cromwell needed to see us urgently, could we get over to his office soonest. I said twenty minutes, he asked for quicker. I explained and twenty five minutes later all four of us hauled up outside a modern office block housing his practice. We left the car in the care of the protesting doorman and hurried inside.

Cromwell came out of his office, his eyes gleaming and his grin enlarging as he saw Sandra. After greetings he ushered us into his office. We grouped around a two sofa and coffee table arrangement. Sitting he started without preamble.

"The Police are applying for a proceeds of crime order to recover monies they say your father amassed from his criminal activities. Looking at it, they want the house, the cars and several millions he's amassed in various offshore accounts."

"I hate that house so I don't care. I've got some money of my own and I have an account that acts as my pocket money. I will need to get a job though, that'll be novel."

"What they can't or won't touch is his scrap metal business, I've had an accountant look at it, as a going concern, which it is. We reckon you should be able to get about two point four million, if you agree to sell to the first bidder rather than wait for a better bid, that is."

"Agreed, I'll need your accountant friend to take on my financial affairs and I'll leave it to him to arrange it so I have investments and income. Get any forms over to Sandra's place. I have a feeling we'll be there for a while."

"Actually I can help there, I have an investment property in St Katherine's Dock.I've been renting it out, but the lease is up and I have asked the agents to have it deep cleaned and brought up to standard. You can use that if you want."

"Dad, how long have you had that?"

"Several years now, I bought in at the bottom of the market, but it's worth a few bob I'm told."

"Why didn't you live there instead of that flea pit you have?"

"It was an investment for the future?"

"What future?"

"Yours, yours and Sandra's, yours and Cynthia's, whoever."

"Dad, you idiot, I don't need that, all I ever wanted was your love."

"I know, but this was an instead of, in case you never got to know me, a kind of sorry I wasn't there for you sort of thing."

"You are a complete and utter wanker, but I love you Dad."

"Shelly, that's no way to talk to your Dad."

"Oh Mum come on, I love him to bits, but, honestly.."

She shook her head, then reached over and kissed me, followed by Cynth.

"Can I come back to your place tonight?"

I looked at Sandra, she smiled,

"Early days remember, but yes, please come home tonight."

"Home, my home?"

"Our home, but don't forget who's name's on the deeds buster."

"Yes Sandra."

She kissed me and Cromwell beamed.

"Do you two fancy dinner on Friday, I'll phone Lilith and confirm, oh sorry, ladies would you care to join us?"

"Thanks Cromwell, that would be great, around seven thirty."

"Perfect."

"Oh! Oh! No!"

"Cynth?"

"Sorry, I just realised what you said the other day, about Johnny being a turtleneck, oh my!"

Sandra looked at me with a smile, as did Cromwell, Shelly put her head in her hands. Cynth just sat there, face beet red and her mouth open.

Later over lunch I took a call from Ardly, seems an informer had let it slip that the killer had been retained to take out Cynthia. Rumours were this was personal. I repeated the story to the girls and Sandra after Ardly rang off.

"Hmm. You know I said that Dad had set me up with various men, well Ted Dacre was one of them. He thought if he was family he'd be more accommodating to Dad's plans. Well he spend thousands wining and dining me, over two, three weeks. Then a discreet hotel, champagne and he tried to seduce me. When that didn't work he tried force. He wanted me to give him a blowjob at least. I went down on him, but then chewed his cock. He bled like a stuck pig and I ran for it. I don't think he likes me."

"Prick!"

"Arsehole!"

"Ladies, whatever, we're going to need another place. I don't want them going round and finding us at your place. We'll go to my place at St Katherine's Dock. It's in my real name, might take them longer to find us and give the cops more room to manouvre."

"What isn't Johnny your real name?"

"Yes, but not Lettuce, it's a nickname from years ago."

"Dad! what is your real name?"

"Jonathan Letwin, didn't Mum ever say?"

"No, by the time I was able to do anything I was Michelle Barber."

"You went back to your maiden name?"

"Seemed easier."

"Yeah, probably was, sorry."

"No worries, we're fine, really."

"OK, let's check out my Pussy Palace."

"What?"

"Oh when these places came on the market in the late Seventies, Eighties, they were much favoured by rich gentlemen who needed a London pied-a-terre for the purposes of somewhere to go for rumpy-pumpy. Hotels were either not playing or leaking guests names to the press. Pop out of the Grosvenor, Connaught etc, flash, bang, wallop look who we caught. Later the yuppies bought them so they could work and play all day and night."

We pulled into the parking area and I found the number reserved for my flat. We had hired a car, in the name of Letwin (I have credit cards in both my names), it seemed sensible rather than leaving an easily followed trail, which my usual car would provide. The Lexus parked, we took the cases and located the entrance, shortly after that we entered my flat. Well apartment. The lounge was huge with an enormous floor to ceiling picture window overlooking the Marina. There were two bedrooms of reasonable size and a kitchen-diner. I had never been there before. The furnishings were simple modern, stark, but, somehow I liked it.

"Dad, this is fabulous," Shelly shouted, spinning round arms outstretched.

"Johnny, you sly old devil, this is a pussy palace par excellence."

"Johnny, I love it, I really do, wow."

"I hope so, it will be in Shelly's and your names, Sandra and Michelle Letwin, or Barber if you prefer. You own this my love, or at least you will do when I die. My solicitor has my will, you get everything after all debts are paid."

"What, even after all these years, you're leaving everything to me and her?"

"Yes, as an apology for being a shit husband and father."

"Johnny,why, why didn't you find someone else?"

"Did you?"

"I wasn't looking."

"Me neither! At first I was angry and stupid, using women and then I got sick of myself and just lost interest. I admire and admittedly lusted after women, but I don't pursue them anymore. There's no point, I'm still in love with you."

"Dad! that's lovely."

"No, it's just the truth, the best thing in life was underneath my nose and I never saw it until too late."

"I loved being under your nose."

"MUM!"

"What? you want the truth, no one does it like your Dad, period. Never been beaten in the bedroom, how's that going to look on your next flyer?"

"I think the local licensing authority might want to have that tested?"

"I'd volunteer!"

"Cynth!"

"Only joking, I think it's lovely, you two ought to try again, really."

"We are, and as soon as this is over, Johnny, you and I are going on holiday, somewhere remote and warm and quiet."

"I'll drink to that."

My phone rang, it was Robinson. Seems the word was out on the street to look for me and by extension Cynthia. I listened, I said yes, I 'Uh-Huhed' in all the right places, then rang off. I repeated the conversation from both sides. They looked gloomier and gloomier.