Jonah Ch. 02

Part 1

I lost all self respect and fell through the cracks of life at a very young age. Is it any wonder that I spent my life fruitlessly looking to fit in, to belong...to be loved? In my later years, I regained a foothold on what it meant to find my self respect and self worth again. Yet the intervening decades were a tormented history that dogged me still. Prospects of fulfillment and happiness went largely unexplored. The fear of failure had been so ingrained in me that it was difficult...impossible?...to change. It was with a mixture of renewed hope, and the knowledge that time was advancing on me that led me to be brave and seek a way for satisfactory financial stability. Actually, that and the desire for companionship were the only two things I've thought about for the past five years.

My job had morphed from heaven to hell and back to a limbo-like status where the atmosphere and management were improved, but not the overarching Corporate heavy-handedness...as it played out in reality. That was intolerable. I was choking on my disdain for the stupidity that flowed from Corporate offices to the satellite stores. The crass lack of a viable system of organization or support grated daily on my nerves. Not even the skills of Darren could temper my vitriol toward those responsible for the daily chaos that masqueraded as a 'system'. I've been told that most corporate life is similar. God help us all.

Not a single employee likes their job where I recently worked. Not even Darren, but unlike hourly workers, they pay him such an inflated salary that he feels bound and helpless to replace it elsewhere. Money talks and he doesn't have the balls to walk. I love him as a friend; and hope he finds the strength to leave as I did. I had been primed to be submissive and docile; and to expect and accept defeat as my due from that very early time in my life. I am an enigma. I have the strength of mind, and potentially of body, that should have brought me to happy conclusions. Maybe they still can.

Jonah is waiting for me to take the stage; the full choir is rehearsed and ready for our first take at my solo performance. We have only rehearsed separately until now, mostly due to my shyness and fear of letting the others down. It has been three months since I met Jonah. We have become best friends and constant lovers. Except for the recent incident with Phillip, Jonah and I have been inseparable. We are back together, but Jonah has been more tense and terse with me lately, like he is struggling to get over the hurt. I don't blame him. I just can not let him hurt me any more in retaliation.

"Benjamin...do grace us with your presence...we are waiting!" I hear the chuckles from 'friends' on the stage and hold my head high as I bound up the stairs to the stage. I'll confront Jonah later. Right now, I am ready for the rehearsal. The pianist begins at Jonahs direction, and all eyes are on me. I imagine that I am standing before the judges at a taping of auditions for one of Simon Cowell's singing shows. Jonahs' taunt was much like some of the banter I've seen from the show. I take it in stride, and say I am ready to sing for them. I am determined to knock their sox off.

I sing with a voice strong and clear. Every subtle meaning of the words comes through with my nuanced vocalizations. I sing with humility and with conviction. When the time comes for the chorus to join in, not one of them takes the cue. They just stand there in silence. Phillip is the first to applaud, not unnoticed by Jonah. I turn to the group, and they give me a universal thumbs up. I feel good.

"Okay. Okay. Settle down." Jonah's eyes meet mine. "Good job, sir. Now let's get the chorus on board." It is meant to be a compliment, but I am crushed. I can not hold back the tears; and before anyone can see them, bounding off the stage into the outer hallway is the best I can do. I hear Jonah tell everyone to take five. His voice sounds troubled. I scamper to a convenient hiding spot in the lighting control room. He has come to know me all too well.

"Ben?" Go away, Jonah. Leave me alone.

"That's the last thing you want!" He is right. I can not help myself, for I have progressed to the point where total honesty and understanding are all I can allow. I try to muffle the sounds of my tears, but it's no use. He finds me leaning on the equipment, and pulls me in to a gentle hug. I let him hold me. I am afraid to hug him back.

"It's okay." You called me 'Sir', Jonah...not Benjamin, Ben, or sweetie, but 'Sir'. Do you hate me that much now? Can I ever hope for forgiveness from you? I have not asked you to excuse my behavior, but to understand and to forgive it.

"I...I need your help to do that. I don't want to hurt you, Ben, but something inside of me does want some kind of revenge." I sink at his words and fear we are over. I thought we were on a road to recovery, but now I believe the worst. I have embarrassed Jonah, and he has just struck back. My head aches, and my emotions are in turmoil. I have to get...I can't stay tonight, Jo...I turn and bolt for my car.

I can hardly see to drive through my tears. This is just a repeat of every other lost opportunity in my life. Nothing I ever do or will do will make a difference. Jonah was my best and last hope and now he is gone. How can he ever forgive me? Why should he? In my mind it was a mere transgression...a momentary lapse. To Jonah it was betrayal, pure and simple. Maybe he is right. I do not deserve him...or anyone. The corner street light is out. The stop sign is invisible through my tears. I learn later that my driving lights were off. It happens so very fast that I have no memory of the impact. It is two weeks before I wake, hooked up to a bunch of life support in the county hospital.

"No, he hasn't come out of it yet. I go there every day. Tell the guys to keep rehearsing without me. Have Phillip take the lead. We've talked, and we are okay between us. We just want...I have to focus on Ben. I'll call you tonight." My induced coma is supposed to help me heal without any mental or emotional stress; but I went too far down the rabbit hole, and concern is growing daily. Still, I know he is here with me. I know that Jonah is by my side. I'm sorry, Jonah. I kissed Phillip because I like him. I am a dry sponge of a soul ready to give myself to all who show me affection and acceptance. I never meant to hurt you, Jonah. I never will again. You will not give me the chance. I just want to die.

"NURSE! NURSE!" I feel myself plunge into the abyss, amidst the strangest cacophony of musical beeps and sirens imaginable. I am calm. It is my time.

"NO! I'm staying!" I can hear his voice accompany me on my journey...Jonah? It's me, Ben...

"Then stand aside and let us help him!" I hear Jonah yield to her and the doctors.

Time is meaningless now. I seem to float somewhere on my journey. There are voices, and flashes of light. Now there is calm. No more voices. No more light. Just calm. My hand is being held. A soft kiss touches my head. Jonah? Is that you?

"Listen to me, Ben. I know you can't hear me, but I have to tell you anyway. I forgive you. I love you. I can't lose you like this." I do hear you, Jonah...I do! I hear you weeping. I have to let you know...give you a sign...something...

"Ben?" I'm trying, Jonah. Trying to squeeze your hand.

"NURSE!... PLEASE! Come here, please!"

"He's trying to...I think he just tried to squeeze my hand! Look! There...he did it again...his thumb moved."

"It may just be a reflexive response to having his hand in yours, Jonah." The nurse has spoken her truth.

Not true! Tell her Jonah! I'll tell her myself! The hell it is, Nurse - I'll show you what my intention is! Feel this, Jonah!

"Hey - LOOK! try and peel back his thumb...it's like a pliers! Hang in there, Ben...we know you're with us!" I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes and spilling onto my face. See them, please, Jonah. I am crying for you. Please see them.

"Nurse? Are you crying?" Jonah looks puzzled.

"Look at his face, Jonah. Ben hears us!"

Part 2

When I open my eyes he is the first thing I see. He forces a smile and bends in to kiss my cheek.

"Missed you, Ben. Glad to have you back. I want you to know..."

I know, Jonah. I heard everything. I'm so very sorry. Your forgiving me gave me the hope to come back. Did I hear you correctly?

"Yes, Ben. I said I forgive you and I do. Let's move on and make plans to have you recuperate. That's all that matters now." I give his hand a squeeze...again. He starts to cry.

"We can work through...anything...you and I...together. Let's never forget that.'' His voice is breaking, and he struggles to get the words out.

This whole thing seems like a cheap soap opera plot, doesn't it, Jonah?!

"Life imitating art...what can I say, Ben?"

Say you'll stick around for the happy ending, Jonah!

"You and me, Ben...we'll build that happy ending together!"

The End...for now